How do you know?

[Rambler]

I'm just curious how some have come to the conclusion that they need to have GCS/SRS? It's something that has been on my mind increasingly lately. There was a time not so long ago that I said I didn't have any interest in GCS, but the further I go on this journey, the more I seem to be seriously considering it. On top of that, physical intimacy with my wife is becoming mentally difficult for me. Lately I can't seem to shake the feeling of wrongness down there whenever we are being intimate, and along with this realization has been a particularly bad bout of dysphoria that I'm starting to move past.

[Jill E]

I went through the exact same thing. I was in a couple short relationships before meeting my partner; each one made it harder and harder to cope with my dysphoria. Eventually I just decided it needed to be done. I haven't had SRS yet, but am scheduled to do so in June. I'm very much looking forward to it (:


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[jessi]

I have wanted bottom surgery since I was about 12 years old, but didn't act upon it until over 25 years later, during a long failed attempt at heteronormativity. I found myself continually falling back into thoughts of surgery.

My biggest fear which held me back for so long was transitioning itself. I didn't want to have to "dress up like a girl" for 1-2 years before I could even feel somewhat valid as female. It took a couple years of therapy with several different therapists until I found a queer therapist who helped me find my inner confidence and the encouragement to open my mind and let my guard down enough to get through the process so I could have the required letters for surgery.

It's a long, emotional process and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am so much happier with my body and self image. There are more days with struggles than successes, but I am still alive. If it weren't for the surgery, I wouldn't be alive today.

So that's a long answer to how I knew.

tl;dr: I kinda knew since childhood, but not until a couple years ago did I accept it. Followed by the fastest transition I could imagine

Your feelings are 100% real and genuine. Trust in and love yourself, you will know when you are ready. Don't worry about rushing to a "decision". Gender and sexuality is so fluid,  regardless if you are pre/post/no-op. All are valid in my mind.

*hugs*
~j

[mszoey]

I was the same when I was trying to keep my relationship with my ex wife I didn't want it. But that was over 3 years ago. Now I'm laying here in Montreal almost 6 days post op lol. I found as the hormones started to do their thing that's when everything started changing right down to I'm now into men and only want a relationship with one


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[mszoey]

And to add to mine it was hands down the best thing I have ever did having gcs I remember waking up with this amazing calm feeling and I still can't believe that this has happened


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[Emileeeee]

I kept trying to avoid it, but the longer I waited, the more annoyed I was about that wrong part down below. I fought the good fight though. 35+ years of that crap and 20 of those years was in therapy trying to get the therapist to convince me I wasn't trans. I did the surgery a month ago and couldn't be happier.

[HappyMoni]

Rambler,
   I think for many people, taking the lid off of denial of being trans can lead to an unfolding of what has been buried for so long. It isn't surprising that you will see your needs/desires evolve. It is not to say it is inevitable that it ends in needing GCS. Be patient with yourself and it will become evident. Not everyone needs it from the start like I did. I can never ever remember have any sense of pride in having that thing.
Moni

[Georgette]

I don't think I ever went thru any denial of being Trans.  When I was a teen and into the US Navy, I didn't even know what it really was.

When I got involuntary outed to the Navy and my life didn't end and they didn't seem to care, I knew I had to explore more.

After Navy, met others and really researched it and experimented more with CD in public, I knew I had to go for it.  Never had any sexual relationships with women.  Had NO use for those bits, so SRS was a easy option.

Have lived as a physical woman for over 39 years, and have never had any regrets.

[Michelle_P]

I didn't figure out that I was a transgender person until I was 32, and I managed to largely suppress myself until a year ago, when I hit an extremely bad patch in the depression and anxiety I had lived with for decades.

Tip:  Don't do that.


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[LizK]

Standing in my shed at about age 10 or 11 with a hunting knife in one hand and my wee offering in my other....just about got caught and chickened out, used to fanticise that I would have an accident and they would have to be cut off (big smile)...it has always just been part of my internal narrative...I don't hate it/them...maybe a little...ok maybe a lot. 

Liz

[Rambler]

Thank you, everyone

Coming to the realization that I'm wanting bottom surgery has been difficult. I'm still not convinced that it is need or that it will become need. I'm also realizing more and more I've been repressing this desire as well, maybe on a  deeper level than just being a woman. But memories have started popping up in my mind right along with that uncomfortable, worried feeling that was always there whenever I used to seriously question.

I brought it up to my counselor yesterday and she pointed out that when I discuss potential changes in the manner I was talking with her about GCS, I've typically already made up my mind that I want to do something.

I'm afraid of so much about having it done and the implications it could have on my life and relationships. Not being able to be intimate with my wife in the way we've always known could be a deal breaker for her. I know she's reiterated over & over that she's staying with me, and she's done her own research (and studying to be a therapist) she knows that my needs might change, especially down there. I could lose my ability to orgasm, the cost & recovery time is just daunting. But at the same time, in the same way I've felt confident approaching all the other steps I've taken, there's a not-so-quiet voice whispering in my ear that I'm strong and that I can do it. Slowly but surely, Libbey is wading through all of the fear that was crushing me for 25 odd years.

[Emileeeee]

Standing in my shed at about age 10 or 11 with a hunting knife in one hand and my wee offering in my other....just about got caught and chickened out, used to fanaticise that I would have an accident and they would have to be cut off (big smile)...it has always just been part of my internal narrative...I don't hate it/them...maybe a little...ok maybe a lot. 

Liz

When those accidents or near accidents happened in movies, I always thought, "I should be so lucky."

[HappyMoni]

Coming to the realization that I'm wanting bottom surgery has been difficult. I'm still not convinced that it is need or that it will become need. I'm also realizing more and more I've been repressing this desire as well, maybe on a  deeper level than just being a woman. But memories have started popping up in my mind right along with that uncomfortable, worried feeling that was always there whenever I used to seriously question.


I'm afraid of so much about having it done and the implications it could have on my life and relationships. Not being able to be intimate with my wife in the way we've always known could be a deal breaker for her. I know she's reiterated over & over that she's staying with me, and she's done her own research (and studying to be a therapist) she knows that my needs might change, especially down there. I could lose my ability to orgasm, the cost & recovery time is just daunting. But at the same time, in the same way I've felt confident approaching all the other steps I've taken, there's a not-so-quiet voice whispering in my ear that I'm strong and that I can do it. Slowly but surely, Libbey is wading through all of the fear that was crushing me for 25 odd years.

Hi Libbey,
    So nice to have a name for you. Yea!

    Everything you list in this second paragraph is logical. I can give a list of logical reasons to not do it also. Bottom line is if you are really driven to want/need it done, logic can get less important. If you find yourself driven, and you may not, it will be a monumental task not to do it because of any logical reason. Why do you think so many refer to it as the 'trans beast?'  It wants to be fed.
Moni

[Rambler]

Hi Libbey,
    So nice to have a name for you. Yea!

    Everything you list in this second paragraph is logical. I can give a list of logical reasons to not do it also. Bottom line is if you are really driven to want/need it done, logic can get less important. If you find yourself driven, and you may not, it will be a monumental task not to do it because of any logical reason. Why do you think so many refer to it as the 'trans beast?'  It wants to be fed.
Moni

Thanks Moni,

Approaching things logically is easy when you've spent your whole life bottling & burying emotions, but I already know the logical approach isn't helping much here just as it hasn't throughout most of this process. Those fears hit me but every passing day it feels like this desire dwarfs them a little bit more. It used to be that every time I would think about it, I would go through this mental head shaking, ear covering, eye shutting, "NO NO NO LALALALA," but even that is subsiding. Now there's just an uneasy, unsureness just sort of nagging at me.

[jessi]

And to add to mine it was hands down the best thing I have ever did having gcs I remember waking up with this amazing calm feeling and I still can't believe that this has happened


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that is the best feeling in the world! ride the wave

[Sophia Sage]

Of course there's a logic to it, but something else precedes that logic -- which has to do with your interiority, be it your self-identity (the image of yourself that you have in your head) and/or your feelings.

If certain bits make you dysphoric, surgical correction is a logical choice, because for most of us that's what will make the dysphoria go away.  And, on the other side of that coin, if your internal image of yourself is female, and includes having a vagina, the euphoria of getting to the other side and being "correct" in our embodiment is equally compelling. 

Finally, trust your wife when she says she knows what she's getting into.  She's done her research, she understands this is a distinct possibility (a probability, actually) and she says she's still staying with you?  Believe her, and count your lucky stars.

[davina61]

cant wait ,they have felt wrong for years and yes dreamt of having an accident so that part of me needed removing, its a shame its not as easy as breast forms to correct