Does this make sense at all?

[Amanda_Combs]

"I'm not trans*, but I want to be."

It's a thought I've had, and I wander if it may be true.  I've  been on a strange loop of thought, and that is the answer I came to.  I keep trying to figure myself out, and I just don't understand!  I had thought with certainty that I am trans*, but I'm just too comfortable with my body.

...I mean, it's ok.  I can walk were I want to be, speak to express my feelings, and embrace my loved ones.  That's pretty good, and so I have no complaints.

I see women and feel envy and a little hate, because I so want to have what they have.  But the truth is, I think if I could have never been aware of women, I would have never felt wrong about my body.

I told my therapist the most plain thing I know to be true, "I want to be a woman."  But for the life of me, I can't figure out why.

Does anyone else feel similarly or have any insight at all on this type of feeling?  Thank you for any responses!

[Asche]

Ultimately, this is something you have to figure out (but you knew that already, didn't you?)

I agonized for years over this sort of thing.  I've come to realize that the feelings and insights that we feel and call "being trans" come from deep within.  They're not from an intellectual place, and theories and intellectual discussions and "why" questions are really beside the point.

Ultimately, IMHO, the question "am I trans" is also beside the point.  The question is: what do you want to do with your life?  What would make you feel more whole?

In my case, I came to the realization that I didn't really have much of a choice: if I wanted a life worth living, I'd have to transition.  Am I "really" trans?  Am I "really" a woman?  Who knows?  Who cares?  (Well, a lot of people, apparently, but not me.)  What matters is that my life is far, far better now that I'm more or less living as a woman.

But it didn't come from rational thought.  It was kind of a spiritual journey that led me to see that transition was what I needed.  And everyone's spiritual journey is different.

So, good luck!  Be prepared to feel confused.  And maybe a little crazy.  Ultimately, it's about finding -- and becoming -- yourself.

(Now, wasn't that un-helpful? )

[Denise]

"I'm not trans*, but I want to be."

It's a thought I've had, and I wander if it may be true.  I've  been on a strange loop of thought, and that is the answer I came to.  I keep trying to figure myself out, and I just don't understand!  I had thought with certainty that I am trans*, but I'm just too comfortable with my body.

...I mean, it's ok.  I can walk were I want to be, speak to express my feelings, and embrace my loved ones.  That's pretty good, and so I have no complaints.

I see women and feel envy and a little hate, because I so want to have what they have.  But the truth is, I think if I could have never been aware of women, I would have never felt wrong about my body.

I told my therapist the most plain thing I know to be true, "I want to be a woman."  But for the life of me, I can't figure out why.

Does anyone else feel similarly or have any insight at all on this type of feeling?  Thank you for any responses!

Amanda - You have EXACTLY THE SAME ISSUES I HAVE !!!

This is exactly how I feel and have felt for a while.  I should have dug around your other posts/profile to see how old you are but I'm 55.  I've felt exactly the same way since I was 4 - Yes 4.  The desire to be a girl/woman has haunted me every day for 51 years.

Please note that my "envy" and "near hate" finally got to me and I couldn't take it any more and that was the deciding factor.   I've been on hormones for +3 months and will go full time on March 2nd.

If you want to chat - PM me and we can commiserate together.

I can tell you that when the hormones started to have effect (VERY QUICKLY) the hate/anger/envy/... completely went away.  People around me (MANY PEOPLE some who know, some who don't) have commented that I seem unstoppably happy.   They are absolutely right.

Denise

[Dena]

Pretty much everybody on this site is transgender. All it takes is being uncomfortable with your gender identity. Transsexual is another story because that implies body modification in addition to presentation.

As for why we feel that way, I puzzled over that for a long time without answering that question. For me it was more important because when I was transitioning we didn't understand the cause and there was a strong fear of post surgical regret. In the end, I didn't come up with a solution but I knew that I couldn't be happy as a male so I wouldn't be any worst off as a female. It was a correct assumption because I have never regretted my decision and never had the least desire to returning to a male identity.

You can be comfortable with you body but desire to present female. That is what the non binary is all about and there is nothing wrong with it. Surgery is a pretty major action and if you don't need it to be comfortable with yourself, don't do it. Few things in life are binary and shades of gray are just as acceptable as black and white.

[JoanneB]

"Great Truth" #1  I live by is "No one in their right mind WANTS to be trans"
"Great Truth" #2, if you don't think you are cis, you ARE trans.
    "Great Truth #2" corollary Cis people never worry about such things

Nuff said?

"Never being aware of women" is not an option for most humans. Unless you one of those that replicate by binary fission. (or, a product X-Files alien probing and  )

How many guys you know know when they say "I want to get into their panties" has the same connotations as you? How many guys you you know when they look at a woman think, "I wish I could wear an outfit like that"? Oh yeah Envy Big time. Jealousy, while at the same time "sexually interesting"

At 6ft tall, big everything, balding since 14 and a host of other reasons I am the antitheses of "Female". Yet at only very rare points in my life did I ever have any thoughts of actually "Enjoying" my body. Contrast that to todays, still 6ft tall big everything, still balding but slightly modified and hormonally balanced me, actually loving this mortal shell I occupy.

Since around the age of 4-5 I "Wanted to be a girl". Why? After some 50 plus years I have no clue. It is what it is. I cannot change those feelings no matter how hard I try. And I have tried VERY hard to.

As an engineer and instinctual "Fixer" of things my entire core being wanted to know the "Why", the "How" in order to get a clue on how to make things right again. The fatalistic me usually wins this, and many other internal arguments on the basis of "What would change?" There are a ton of reasons to say I lost the genetic lottery. DES. Or other yet to be postulated reasons why I am trans. Is it  going to change what I need to do, Today, to be comfortable in my skin and have joy in my life? I think Zip, Nada, None

God, Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change
The Courage to Change the Things I Can
And the Wisdom to Know the Difference

[Amanda_Combs]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts!!! [emoji5] I was really afraid that my feelings would be nothing like what you feel.  It's nice to be understood so well.

And it helps a lot, the advice to not dwell on labels.  If I happen to be a cis man who wants to have an hourglass figure, wear make-up and dresses, and be called her; then I guess that's what I should do. 

Oh! And Denise, I'm 26.  I first realized there was a problem at about 10.  All the girls stopped talking to me unless they thought I wanted to date them; I felt so alone! 

Thanks again for all the positivity!  It helps a tonne to know what similar experiences we all have.


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