Bad Dream! Stop making things more confusing!

[MaybeJessica]

So since posting a week or two ago I've been thinking and thinking, and reading and reading, and I think getting exhausted with it all.  I'm "calmer" or else settling back into denial, OR possibly arriving at an answer of "naw, not really transgender", who knows yet.  I still have concerns that this is some form of that T-OCD, it really seems like there are battlelines drawn on that, on a Trans* board everyone will poo-poo its existence, on an OCD board everyone jumps to the conclusion everyone has it.  Anyhow, this is meant to be a lighthearted post so...

I'm finally settling in to being pretty calm, thinking I'm probably not transgender...tried to personify the inner female me and debate with her, and she's fallen silent.  Then I dream last night of browsing the directory on television to see what's on, and see that stupid 12,000 kids and counting show is on, and I grumble to someone nearby that "those people are terrible, they hate people like me."  WHAT?!?! 

[ImSomething]

Hi!

So I used to think that my problem was this "T-OCD" that you're describing. I told myself for years, "No, I'm cisgendered. This is just some weird fixation...that I have been thinking about nonstop for years." I had built a fear around the feelings--mostly because of how intense they had become and because I was still stuck on the idea that I had to have biological children in order to be successful in life. Eventually, the fear faded away. I was just left with the desire to be female. Right now, I'm battling depression a lot so I'm very confused, but I do know for me that it doesn't feel like OCD anymore. I feel like I'm most likely trans (and DEFINITELY not cis, if I need to look at it that way to make sense in my mind and not psychologically attack myself ). So I heed you to keep your mind open and not do what I've done, build walls in your mind so tall you struggle to see beyond them.

Much success be to you!

xoxo
Renée

[SailorMars1994]

Hi!

So I used to think that my problem was this "T-OCD" that you're describing. I told myself for years, "No, I'm cisgendered. This is just some weird fixation...that I have been thinking about nonstop for years." I had built a fear around the feelings--mostly because of how intense they had become and because I was still stuck on the idea that I had to have biological children in order to be successful in life. Eventually, the fear faded away. I was just left with the desire to be female. Right now, I'm battling depression a lot so I'm very confused, but I do know for me that it doesn't feel like OCD anymore. I feel like I'm most likely trans (and DEFINITELY not cis, if I need to look at it that way to make sense in my mind and not psychologically attack myself ). So I heed you to keep your mind open and not do what I've done, build walls in your mind so tall you struggle to see beyond them.

Much success be to you!

xoxo
Renée

Omg i am struggling with this right now and it is killing me. Largley because i really really dont want to go back to manhood. Can we inbox message sometime ??

[ImSomething]

Omg i am struggling with this right now and it is killing me. Largley because i really really dont want to go back to manhood. Can we inbox message sometime ??

I'd love to have a more in-depth conversation with you! That sounds like fun!

xoxo
Renée

[MaybeJessica]

FWIW I hammered my normal psychiatrist about the T-OCD thing again Thursday night, and he's convinced in no way do I have that.  He has suggested at this point I have to explore this -somehow-, so my "enabler" got me nailpolish, as an idea to do my toes, easily hidden.  However I then realized I have a doctor's checkup next Wednesday, and he'll have to check my feet (type 2 diabetes, under control but he still checks the nerves in the feet), and uh... yeah, I don't want to explain glittery purple toenails!

In the meantime I feel (fear?) that I'm settling down into a mood where this isn't bothering me so much - building walls, going into denial, coming to a decision I'm not transgender, who knows.  I don't even want to try the nailpolish anymore.  However, here I am still on these boards, and reading asktransgender on ->-bleeped-<-, so...eh, one day at a time.  After a month of intense questioning, I can honestly use the mental calmness for a bit.  Until I have the next strange dream

[josie76]

First off being in the trans spectrum does not mean you have to feel the need to change. You may have some trans gender feelings or non cis instincts. Some people have just questions about themselves, some are non binary. That's all OK.

For me, I've known that I wasn't in the right gender group since I knew the difference between the sexes. At 4 I knew I felt wrong being what I was told to be. The girl in my head never went away even in the midst of male puberty when testosterone surged through my body. I was always the outsider, always wished to be able to be included with the girls not the guys. Overall just a really uncomfortable existence. There's more than just that.

Everyone's life experience is different. There is wrong or right way to life.

[Sinclair]

For me, I've known that I wasn't in the right gender group since I knew the difference between the sexes. At 4 I knew I felt wrong being what I was told to be. The girl in my head never went away even in the midst of male puberty when testosterone surged through my body. I was always the outsider, always wished to be able to be included with the girls not the guys. Overall just a really uncomfortable existence. There's more than just that.

I can relate to inclusion with the girls. 

[Xirafel]

I had the strangest dreams. In one, I had breasts.
In another, I had two magical jade bars which could make me a girl. Or something.