Parents misgendering and a guest

[Sir Real]

I'm going over to my parents' in a bit and I just found out they invited a guest to come. I haven't met this person, don't think they know I'm trans and I'm not sure how they feel about trans people.

I unequivocally "pass" as a guy. So with my folks calling me "she" and [very feminine birthname], I'm guessing it'd be an awkward position for a lot of people. Who knows, maybe I'm overthinking (I hope) but I'd rather be prepared.

Basically, I don't want drama - it'd be very unfair for this person especially (apparently life's thrown them a curveball) to have to get caught up in it with no warning, so I'm hoping to minimize it as much as I can. From what I've heard about them, it's more important to me right now that this person can have a drama-less respite - and since my folks won't do anything...

Well at any rate... anyone have any suggestions?

[FTMax]

You can't control what other people will say or do, only how you react to it. If you don't want it to be awkward and you never expect to see this person again, you could just go along with it. If you might see this person again and don't want them to think it's okay to call you she or by your birth name, I would correct them politely.

[Sir Real]

Well, I guess my concern is that my parents will make things awkward by misgendering me (and other comments), putting the person in an uncomfortable place. I know there's nothing I can do about what either party does. I guess I just wished there was something I could do that would help make things more comfortable for the guest if it happens to be a problem. I'm not too concerned about actually being misgendered etc, I've kinda given up on that as a lost cause. Maybe there isn't really anything that I can particularly do and the thing that is giving me angst is that I feel pretty powerless and at my parents' mercy and I'm projecting that into the future. Bleh.
I really appreciate your response, FTMax. Having another perspective made me need to rethink things... and you made some good points.

[Dena]

It's good that you are attempting to help the guest feel more comfortable but on the other hand, this could be the wakeup call that your parents need to get their terminology updated. The guests confusion may make your parents understand that others don't see you the way they remember you.

[LizK]

It is a tough call until you think about it for a bit. I think Dena has a good point this may be just the opportunity that is bought about by them for them to learn something. You present and pass as a guy so they are going to look and sound silly if they don't modify their language which I wouldn't be at all surprised if they did.

Liz

[patrick1967]

I would probably be premptive as well and introduce myself by the name I prefer, put it right out there. Don't get intto your parent's faces about it, but strike first and if they introduce you by your birth name you can just say "I prefer being called ...." good luck

[Denise]

Asa how did it go last night?

[chance]

I'm curious too. How'd it go?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Sir Real]

Thanks for the replies, everyone! Was going to post sooner but I was sleep-deprived and wasn't sure I was making any sense lol.

Asa how did it go last night?

It was pretty uneventful. I ended up not saying anything about it and the guest didn't, either... so about as good as I could hope for, I suppose. They were a fairly soft-spoken person. I have no idea how they felt about it all, though. I think if I see them again I may quietly tell them my real name.

It's good that you are attempting to help the guest feel more comfortable but on the other hand, this could be the wakeup call that your parents need to get their terminology updated. The guests confusion may make your parents understand that others don't see you the way they remember you.

If only! After an "outing" in public with my mom some time ago, I asked her, if nothing else, if she would use gender-neutral language to refer to me in public settings. I explained that it was rather uncomfortable for myself and likely for the other party as well, and to at least consider it for safety (it's not likely to be an issue, but it's still a thing). I was met with, for lack of a better descriptive, incoherent blubbering. I've tried talking with them and they've been pretty emphatic that they refuse to use anything other than my birthname and feminine pronouns. Although lately, here and there, I do get referred to as "that one," I think to avoid using gendered language. Though, even when that is used, it's frequently inconsistent in the conversation.

I need to stop myself now before a book of venting happens (related to central air conditioning, of course )

[LizK]

... I've tried talking with them and they've been pretty emphatic that they refuse to use anything other than my birthname and feminine pronouns. ...

This was the basis for a meltdown by my family at Christmas, When my transition finally got real, the thought of having to use Liz and she/her pronouns was to much for them, the support from my parents fell apart but the up side of this is that once it did fall apart the air was clear and we could start to move forward...which we have albeit slowly.

Liz

[Lynne]

Thanks for the replies, everyone! Was going to post sooner but I was sleep-deprived and wasn't sure I was making any sense lol.

It was pretty uneventful. I ended up not saying anything about it and the guest didn't, either... so about as good as I could hope for, I suppose. They were a fairly soft-spoken person. I have no idea how they felt about it all, though. I think if I see them again I may quietly tell them my real name.

If only! After an "outing" in public with my mom some time ago, I asked her, if nothing else, if she would use gender-neutral language to refer to me in public settings. I explained that it was rather uncomfortable for myself and likely for the other party as well, and to at least consider it for safety (it's not likely to be an issue, but it's still a thing). I was met with, for lack of a better descriptive, incoherent blubbering. I've tried talking with them and they've been pretty emphatic that they refuse to use anything other than my birthname and feminine pronouns. Although lately, here and there, I do get referred to as "that one," I think to avoid using gendered language. Though, even when that is used, it's frequently inconsistent in the conversation.

I need to stop myself now before a book of venting happens (related to central air conditioning, of course )

Your outing with your mother sounds familiar.. My parents were at least trying when I lived with them, but when I left home not long after I fully came out to them they somehow reverted to an earlier state. They only saw me in women's clothing for the last 3 years(5 if we don't count 2 visits where I had to be "male") and I pass fine when I don't need to talk for long and they still use my birth name a lot of times. Fortunately we don't have gendered pronouns in our language but there are still a lot of ways to make it obvious that they are not talking about a female. Last year when my father came for my birthday he greeted me with "Hello, young man..." in the parking lot and I was wearing a skirt with a blouse and high heeled boots. Anyone who saw that must have thought that my father has lost his mind or kidding.
This can be very annoying and awkward when it is very obvious that they are using a wrong name and pronouns. If my parents continue with this even after my official name change I will scan my new ID card and print it on a letter sized paper(scaled to full page size) and give it to them as a reminder that they are talking about somebody who does not exist.