Advice from a wife on how to not blow up your marriage

[Sabrina Hope]

I should have read Cailan's post before the blowup. Maybe my marriage would have been safe. This is the most complete text I have read that explain how a transgender can blowup a marriage, like I did. [emoji17] I was thinking just about myself, how depressive I was and did not saw my couple problems.

Sabrina
We cannot learn life, we can only live it.

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[Lady Love]

I should have read Cailan's post before the blowup. Maybe my marriage would have been safe. This is the most complete text I have read that explain how a transgender can blowup a marriage, like I did. [emoji17] I was thinking just about myself, how depressive I was and did not saw my couple problems.

Sabrina
We cannot learn life, we can only live it.

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Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone has a different life and degree of mental hardship. My girlfriend and I are both trans and I want to transition but it does not hurt my self image as a woman if I have to wait to save money. My girlfriend (she is genderfluid) on the other hand identifies more with her assigned sex but has severe depression and feels dysphoria about not being able to pass as male.

I don't know what your life was like pretransition, but I can tell from your posts that you seem very fulfilled today despite the blowup. So it seems to have been a good decision for your mental health, and that is something worth taking care of.

Hugs,
Bren

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[christinej78]

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There are nuances in every aspect and in my option it is no reason to be a f...g a.....e. Sorry for the language.

Especially if you have kids.

jm2c

Hi Thessa,                 04 May 2018

I think we may have been in the US Navy together; your language is very familiar and similar to mine.

Many years ago I realized what you said here is 100% on target. That is how I was when I was married to my first wife. I've lived with that since and will for the rest of my life; it's my personal hell and there is no way of escaping it nor do I want to escape it. I owe her that. She did not deserve how I was with her and what I did to her. Some day I'll post the whole sordid story; she is gone now.

The moral to this is be very careful what we say to, and how we treat others. "I'm Sorry" is so over used it's worthless and meaningless and almost to the point of being insulting. We really need to think before we say or do something that will hurt another being.

Sorry for being preachy; sometimes I have to get parts of the story out, its my penance.

Best Always,
Christine

[Eryn T]

This post was incredibly useful and informative, Cailan! Thank you so much!!

I had previous thought of ways I would let me wife know, but I had not thought about several of these reasons/scenarios that you brought up.  My main plan for letting her know hasn't changed much, but the implementation of it, definitely has.


For me, when I really saw myself as transgender, I felt like the world came alive around me, I was in touch with me senses and could actually understand(and feel) how much I love my wife.  Soon after, I had thought about being physically intimate with her once again, which hasn't happened in a long time. 

And in all honesty, I would have told her already if not for certain circumstances in our lives, and that I would like to be a bit better of a woman, too. I am in no way going to start HRT until after she knows, that's for sure.

[NC_Sarah]

I can't express how helpful this post is to me. I am going to tell my wife soon and want to make it work for us, I would hate to see her upset, it tears me up. She's having a hard time with depression and adding this to the mix would just be bad timing, I am waiting to pick my moment. She's amazing and will be supportive, but I want to do it in the best way possible and give us time so we can adjust.

Thank you for posting, it meant a lot to me.

[Donna]

Rose, no matter how gentle you are I'm going to venture a guess she will be upset. I hope she isn't but this is a huge thing to have dropped on you by your spouse.
Make sure what ever you do try to get it done sooner than later especially if you have already started any meds. Myself I should have told my wife sooner but was 7 months on meds and not able to hide some of the changes I was having. It had to come out and this really hurt her trust in me in that I didn't talk to her sooner. Be absolutely open and honest when you talk to her, women have a BS detector that will catch you everytime and for something this emotional it super sensitive.
Now 13 months after meds and 6.5 months after telling her we are coping and surviving, we have become closer in a lot of thing but we have some very defined triggers as well. You have to understand the huge emotional range and don't tell her what she is thinking. Let her tell you and make sure you listen.
Be prepared for counselling, you , her and maybe both. It will be helpful.
Good Luck and as you go ahead you will open a great new world

[NC_Sarah]

Of course, you're right. There is no easy way. I haven't started on meds, so far I have spoken to my medical insurance and looked into my companies policy on transgender. I am extraordinarily lucky where I work, they are very supportive and will help with the legal side of changing my gender.

It will be a difficult discussion but I feel we will make it together, I know my wife and I think she will be supportive and will help me go through the process. She has some fluidity when it comes to gender attraction and I don't think it will come as a huge surprise, this is her husband though and as was mentioned in another reply, she will be losing her husband.

When I was younger, I experienced first hand bias and violence which left more than a few scars (physical not mental) and some health issues will make this a difficult journey. I love my wife beyond anything else and we are very strong together, I have never lied to her about anything and we talk about everything. I feel I am lieing to her by not talking to her about this decision and I cant have that. I will correct that soon.

I am so appreciative of finding this forum and the amazing advice from people here. It means a lot to me and I can't express enough how much it means to me.

Hugs

[NC_Sarah]

I came clean with my wife tonight, we talked about it and she's accepting of me. In one conversation all the tension and anxiety just went away. I have a doctors appointment friday and seeing a gender therapist next week and we will do it together.

I realise how lucky I am with my wife, I left England and moved to the states to be with her as she's the only one for me.

Thank you everyone, I haven't felt this happy in a long time.

[Paige]

I came clean with my wife tonight, we talked about it and she's accepting of me. In one conversation all the tension and anxiety just went away. I have a doctors appointment friday and seeing a gender therapist next week and we will do it together.

I realise how lucky I am with my wife, I left England and moved to the states to be with her as she's the only one for me.

Thank you everyone, I haven't felt this happy in a long time.

Hi NC_Rose,

Congratulations.  I'm glad it worked out so well

Paige

[NC_Sarah]

It went well, there was a lot of hugging, some crying then more hugging again.

Although she did mention if I use her makeup, she would end me and no one would find the body......!

I feel like years of tension and despair have just washed away.

[Donna]

That's great Rose. You couldn't ask for anything better than that. Treat her well she is very special and make sure your time with her stays in the forefront. You are going to go thru a lot soon and it's going to test you both emotionally. You have a great start and it will be so worthwhile.
Love you Girl 💗💕

[NC_Sarah]

Thanks Donna, the one thing I need to do is slow down. This is something I have always lived with and now everything is out in the open I want to just forge ahead. But this is something my wife has just learned and come to terms with. So as much as I would like to start transitioning straight away, I need to slow down so we can do it together. We are seeing my doctor tomorrow and getting a recommendation for a therapist experienced in transitioning and we will work through the process together.

I think it will get easier once she starts to see me as "she" rather than "him" so I am going through my closet and starting to clear some of my clothes down, keeping some outfits in place when I need to be seen as a man until I can dress and be seen as a women full time. I have come out to a lot of my friends now so it won't be a shock if they come round and see me dressed as a woman. We will go shopping for clothes together to build up a wardrobe more inline with who I am.

We are comfortable, but I know she's still a little freaked out. I have always known, but for her it's been less than 3 days. So I need to give her time to feel comfortable and know she's not losing me. We are very close and have always been open and feel able to talk about anything, so we have never had secrets and I honestly can't remember the last time we ever argued. I think this will bring us together closer over time, I just need to be patient.

[Donna]

Good luck with everything that is coming your way, it's great to talk about slowing down and it's going to be harder than you think. You will make it and the bumps along the way will make you a better person. Arguing is something IMHO that needs to happen to be able to say the hard stuff and clear the air and brain. My wife is very honest about all this. She hates it and what it has done to us, but on the other hand she is an ardent supporter of me moving ahead. Yesterday she called the pharmacy and said her husband would be over to pick up a prescription and then realized what she had said, I caught it as well and knew it hurt her. Things like this are going to come up, work with her and help her but don't hold here feeling against her. I'm so glad she is helping with shopping, I love it when that happens. I come home and they're will be a package in the mail for her and it's all new stuff for me. She introduced me to colors I would never have dreamed of and now I'm hooked, she has me dressing appropriately and even suggesting changes when I pick questionable combos( it's the male thing). Dressing age appropriate was a big teaching moment from my wife and buying for everyday. For much frill and fancy doesn't work for grocery shopping. I did use it yesterday when I wore a dress to buy a new air conditioner. I was about to load it in the truck when a young lady told her boyfriend to help the lady( me) with it. That was so polite of them. Have a great time and enjoy

[NC_Sarah]

... Arguing is something IMHO that needs to happen to be able to say the hard stuff and clear the air and brain....

Thanks for your post, I disagree with arguing, we never get to that stage as we talk everything out and it never reaches boiling point. Communication has never been a problem with us and she will voice any concerns or upsets and we talk them through. I am very lucky in that regard. We had a talk last night as she's worried about a lot of the trauma I had as a child (too long and depressing to share) I have come to terms with it, but at the end of it, she called me a "bitch" in a playful way, we both stopped and then laughed our asses off. It felt good as she referred to me as a "bitch" instead of her usual "masculine" insults (I am English, we insult each other as form of affection).

I think slowing down to her pace will help and aid adjusting, she gave me a makeup box to keep my stuff in and so we have things separate, she also let me wear her skirt so we can get an idea of sizes and styles. It was natural and not uncomfortable, she told me that I had better not look better in a skirt than she did or she would end me and the only evidence left would be a pair of stilettos sticking up out of a suspicious mound in the yard. I love that girl, she's amazing :-)

I loved your story about getting help at the store, it made me smile.

Hugs

[Donna]

Arguing was really the wrong word to use. Sorry about that. We have the most honest and open talks and we hold nothing back. Every idea , concern and positive and negative thing gets discussed and we always finish our conversations completely. Glad you two are so good with each other

[NC_Sarah]

Arguing was really the wrong word to use. Sorry about that. We have the most honest and open talks and we hold nothing back. Every idea , concern and positive and negative thing gets discussed and we always finish our conversations completely. Glad you two are so good with each other

I totally agree. I nearly married a girl when I was in my 20s who I fell head over heels for (no pun intended), but we couldn't stop arguing. Every day, she thrived on them. They would come out of the blue. I felt sick all the time with worrying what would set her off. I realised that as much as I cared for her, I couldn't live like this and moved on. It makes me realise how special my wife is, we talk about everything no matter how it may upset someone, but we do it in a way where we work it out and it never reaches a boiling point. Its healthy, my former relationship was very toxic.

It's was the thought of talking to her about me being trans and hurting her made me hesitant, I felt by not telling her I was lying to her and that hurt me most. Talking to her helped and although it was initially scary, we are in a comfortable place now. We are both very open. I know that she will have little freakouts during the journey, seeing me in makeup (she loved that though and is helping), watching me start to dress full time and find a look I am comfortable in. All those moments have to be taken slowly so we can both adjust.

[LauraE]

Many of us in the trans community have spouses or significant others whom we love and hope their love is strong enough to take the journey with us. Like many others, it wasn't in my case. Four weeks ago, I told my then-girlfriend of nine months about my trans past: my dressing as a pre-teen, my failed attempt at transitioning two years ago, and my current attempt to restart. She had many questions, which I honestly answered, but it was apparent from the beginning that she was having a hard time coping with this new reality. During the next few days, she continued to ask questions, including asking me to send her a picture of Laura. I did, but her response that I was "an ugly woman" didn't move us forward. She clearly missed the man I was and couldn't  imagine a world where her boyfriend was really her girlfriend.

By the third day, she told me that she was a "traditional woman,  that she wanted to marry a "real man", but that we could still be best friends.

ahh, the best friend tag. Not exactly what I was hoping for. This was actually one of the reasons for stopping my transition two years ago; the prospect of losing friends and the people I love. This time around, I'm staying firmly in the closet; that is, I'm on HRT, I dress when I'm at home, but I don't have a roadmap for ever going 24/7.

Two weeks into HRT and a few more before I feel the tingling.

Laura

[Donna]

I'm sorry to hear that dear. Laura no one should be calling any one ugly. It so sad to need to be closeted. Give HRT a chance and you may feel better about yourself. Talk with people here ask question and PM if you want to chat.
Losing friends will happen but if they leave they were not true friends. I've lost 6 people from my circle. One is very bad as it's my stepson. The other close one is not lost but my youngest brother just can't dfind any way to talk to me right now, he doesn't know what to say. The others are of no consequence. My wife is having a hard time with her part of transitioning but our life will go on together. Take care of yourself first and leave relationships for a bit until you see how HRT works for you. This does come from my asexual point of view and not a judgement of others relationship. If a relationship is important right now go for it. First and foremost this is about you

[NC_Sarah]

... By the third day, she told me that she was a "traditional woman,  that she wanted to marry a "real man", but that we could still be best friends....

Hugs hun, that sucks to be honest.

[randim]

I think a big key in how spouses handle it is how good the relationship was prior to the coming out or discovery. I think a strong relationship has light-years better chances of surviving than one with other significant issues. I,m afraid mine may fall in the latter category. My wife has made it clear she doesn't,t want to share a house with an ugly woman or see me presenting as female at all. She can handle it being compartmentalized and on the dL out of sight. Doesn't sound that great to me, though i don't even know if I want to transition. There is a lot to think about and it may come down to a Sophie's choice. Hope not.