New to this...and taking it on, but feeling overwhelmed :/

[Ibanezplyr10]

Thanks in advance for reading this <3

So, where to start? Cause I'm sure this has all been said and done before lol
But I'm so confused.

I've always been a crossdresser, like since 13. but, not in the fetish sense--yes I do get excited from it obviously  however that's not all the time. I want to be free to feel comfortable in all things feminine...my clothes, actions, feeings, etc  I have always envied girls, to biological girls--they say "well it's nothing special". You don't understand--it is!! if you felt like that should've been you and you missed out. I know not everyday is a tea party..life is rough girl!!! neither is being a guy!!! Oh my <gosh> ---I get sooooo almost offended (when I'm in guy mode) when women say "oh you fold just like a man, you don't know how to be pretty and make things nice, you aren't so graceful etc....umm you don't that deep down I love doing all that!!!! but I'm sorry too busy buying into stereotypes of being a "man" and hiding all the feminine feelings in my heart -give me a freaking break.
Then when I try to let my feminine side out I'm shamed in that way. I try to be expressive, fun, feminine, cute, etc etc and then it's weird. Whatever.
I hate hate hate gender stereotypes.....so this leads into, what am I??


I have come out to my friends, family and work----as "Bisexual Crossdresser" ". Because I, like I said enjoy feminine things. SEXUALLY---I do still like girls, and some guys. I'm actually a guitarist and singer --yeah , I can get away with a lot being a "punk rocker"lol!!!  (I love rocker guys) Bille joe Armstrong, Bill Kaulitz, Gerard Way, Adam Lambert whew**.....you get the point lol I cannot imagine manly men at all!!!-ehhh no. I either like girls, or other fem boys or "pretty boys" --so that's "sexually"

However, I love dressing in women's clothes. I even want to push more...I would love long hair
I could style, color, play with (don't lie---hair flipping and twirling is so fun!!)  makeup...so in love with makeup...need I say more? Foundation, eyeliner, eyeshadow, lashes, blush, you name it... fun fun fun! I do enjoy feminine things, and not so much typical "guy" things. But I'm HUGE on gender stereotypes.....like if a girl wants to go to monster truck rally's, work on cars, fart and work wear sweatpants (typical man stereotypes I know) but the point is DO IT! Gender has no place in it. Nothing has upset me more when girls have shut me down for an event because "no boys allowed"  (I mean I know we screwed that one up in Little Rascals) good ol' kid style Gender Stereotypes. But <not allowed> me---really, no girls can see how I feel and I don't want to be the "gay best friend thing" because again--I may like some guys...but I'm not slobbering over like, George Clooney--I know he's handsome---just not into that, like that hahaha it's such a weird place.
I wouldn't mind having breasts, slim figure, hips, all that amazing transformation that comes like feeling like a women....at 27...is it too late?? Do I really want to be a girls so I can "feel" the feminine things I do complement it?!?!

I want to be a musician...I love playing punk rock, I want to be in a band ---like paramore, flyleaf, Ellie Goulding, Lindsey sterling, Amy lee---these rocker girls are my heros!!! It shows I can be a girl and rock out too. And that's what I love----I love being girly, but a rocker at the same time.  And I only bring music up because it plays such a big factor----all my friends think girls should be obsessed with---pop music, the kardashians, Beyoncé, Britney, all the "typical female" likes.


So the main questions.....could I be trans? Could I want to have breasts and hips and want to physically feel like a female and be identified as one  still like boyish things like Lord of the rings and punk rock and playing guitar? Then also be obsessed with baking and makeup, fashion?? I even work in clothing retail and would work in makeup or <heck> even Victoria's Secret or Pink if I wanted to.
,

Either way I feel like I lose-----
I'm either not a "real girl" to the girls (unless I choose to to transition) and end up being a crossdresser but never really have the girls truly understand me. Not to mention even worse If I'm a "lesbian" that's Second ring of fire to jump through as if I'm girl---<gosh>, I may also like girls.

Or I'm a complete <deleted> gay freak weirdo to the boys so mean...

I have a friend who is very supportive to me--she is amazing I trust her with all my secrets.
However I need a trans or someone transitioning to tell me what makes you transition? Do you maybe feel like I do? Or do you feel like if you transition you cant have any masculine hobbies you become a girl and have to do "what girls do"

Ughhhhhh whyyyyyy....someone. Im so confused---I do need to talk to a gender specialist I know. But I just came out and seeing if trans Is a road I should take.....or If I should just do the exposed cross dresser life...hmmm



Moderators Edit: Edited for language

[Michelle_P]

Welcome to the site.  The Moderation Team has moved your post to a location where it is more likely to get responses, and has made some minor edits for language.

I think you'll find that you would fall under the broad transgender umbrella, as both someone that has questioned their gender identity, and that has engaged in cross-dressing.  Your gender identity, who you go to bed as, and gender orientation, who you go to bed with, are two very different things.

I hope you feel welcome here.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to go through them.

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. You are dealing with two issues, Gender identity and sexual preference. Gender identity is how you want your body to appear and sexual preference is who you are attracted to. The only one that makes you transgender is gender identity. Many MTFs on the site remain with their wife after the transition and are perfectly happy. To help you explore your feelings, I am giving you two links. The first is our WIKI where you will learn the terms associated with being transgender. The second is "the transition channel" where you will hear question from a gender therapist that may help you understand your feelings. Should you have any questions, feel free to ask.

[Shy]

I was one of the original U.K. punks from the 70s. Had an old Gibson SG, which I mashed out three chords on as if my life depended on it.
You rock what you've got to rock girl! Have fun!

shy

[V M]

Hi 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

I was one of the original punks from the 70s.
You rock what you've got to rock girl! Have fun!

shy

You too? What coincidence    Keep on a rockin' 

[Janes Groove]

Welcome to the club Ibanez Player.

.could I be trans? Could I want to have breasts and hips and want to physically feel like a female and be identified as one still like boyish things like Lord of the Rings and punk rock and playing guitar? Then also be obsessed with baking and makeup, fashion??

The answer is: Absolutely! Lots of women are into Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, punk rock and playing guitar, etc., etc.  Surely you must know a lot of female punk rockers.  Patti Smith comes to mind right off the top of my head.

If you really want to get an idea of whether or not to transition or not I suggest you ponder the following question:  "How do I feel when I'm gendered male?" versus "How do I feel when I'm gendered female?"  The only way to really get the answer to that question tho is what we call RLE (Real Life Experience).  It means presenting as a female in society so people can see you and relate to you as a woman.  A good place to try RLE out is at trans support groups.  Also, it's good that you realize that you need to sort this out with a professional gender therapist.  Happy exploring and good luck.

[p]

Nice to meet you!

Your post made me think of some of my favorite trans musicians. The lead singer of Against Me!, Laura Jane Grace, is a punk rocking trans woman with a lot to say about her own experiences. I highly recommend her album Transgender Dysphoria Blues. Anohni is another trans musician who sings beautifully about her experiences both as a solo artist (Anohni) and with her band (Antony and the Johnsons).

Good luck with your journey! We are all working to accept ourselves for who we are. I really relate to your statement "I hate hate hate gender stereotypes." I am also very new to this process and I feel like the weight of these gender stereotypes is more confusing than helpful. I noticed in your post that you do have a strong sense of what you like and what you want to do. Maybe it would be helpful to let yourself follow your heart toward the things that make you feel good and the labels can catch up later.

With Love,
P