Being transgender is eating at me

[Sarah.VanDistel]

I am still junior here (alas, not in age) but I think I understand what you mean. Both states (transitioned and non-transitioned) bring their own share of difficulties, challenges and rewards. It's really about choosing between being in harmony with the "others" and with oneselves. The ideal situation would be to transition to a 100% passable form and pushing the magic button of a "neuralizer" (ref. Men in black) so everyone on the planet who has ever seen or heard about us would simply forget that we were ever male... Wow... That would be something! 😉 Unfortunately, there are no ways of doing this, so we must find an equilibrium, a balance between the satisfaction and the suffering. And that balance is different for each person. Some people are not willing to accept the suffering that comes with transition (and I do anticipate a lot of it ahead) and prefer to live with their dysphoria, but maintaining their familial or societal situations. I totally respect that. It's what I've been doing for the past 40 years! Others - some earlier, some later - come to the conclusion that they'd prefer endure all the inconvenients of a transition at the expense of the "comfortable" societal life they had (including work, family, leisure)... It's a personal quest, a choice that you, me and everyone else on this forum must make on her/his own.
Don't get me wrong, Amore - I certainly don't mean to sound patronizing, but it seams you've already made that choice and you are now going through a rough moment where you have trouble coping. We (whole community) are here to help, to remind you that you're not alone along this rocky path. Try to remind yourself of what made you take that decision in the first place. Remind yourself of how you felt before... Ask yourself if the reasons for your angst are really so fundamental for your future, or if they are simply tethers to your past. It's on your future as a happy woman that you must focus.
I came out to my parents about 2 weeks ago, through a email. Still haven't received any answer. 😕 I have absolutely no idea if they will ever "forgive" me or talk to me again. Does that make me sad? You bet. I love my parents. But is that truly important for my future as a woman? Not really... And since I believe that we live just once, why would I waste my only opportunity for being a happy and fulfilled human being, just because someone else (whose life is certainly NOT more important than mine) "shouldn't" suffer? You have your needs, your life, your future and if you deeply believe that you are a woman, then you are entitled to live as such.

Sorry if I said anything offensive and if my comment was a bit cheesy, but rest assured that it came from my heart. 😇

Big warm hug,

Sarah

Sent from my SM-T810 using Tapatalk

[aaajjj55]

Dear Amoré

I was so sorry to read your post.  With so many 'poster girls' for transition on this site, it's easy to think that transition is the panacea for all of our transgender woes.  However, I'm increasingly coming to understand that, whilst it resolves many of the dysphoria-related issues we face, it does bring a whole new set of issues to be overcome.

I do feel that, in many ways, being transgender is a 'lose-lose' situation - struggle on with dysphoria or transition and, in a very short space of time, learn the lessons of feminine life that CIS females have been learning since birth whilst running the risk of losing those people and things that you hold dear.  I am sure that even the most ardent trans advocate would admit that being born into their chosen gender would have been preferable to the path they have had to take.

You made the important point that you feel that life was easier when you were pretending to be male and I totally get that; yes, I would love to be female, to wear the pretty dresses and heels, to feel good about myself, not to have to struggle with dysphoria etc. etc. but to achieve that I would have to decimate my family and go through all of the other fallout that divorce entails.  That's before having to take on a new identity and, if I'm brutally honest, whilst I don't feel comfortable as a male, I'm not convinced that I could settle properly as a female either.  So I soldier on as best I can. 

Ultimately, this is about finding an equilibrium that we can tolerate.  For some it is transition, for me it is maintaining the status quo, and I hope that you too can find a place where you can feel at peace - you deserve it.

[HappyMoni]

Amore',
   I recently got some words of wisdom from a couple big sisters on this site. It helped me a lot at a time when I was very distressed. The bottom line of what they said was that I was approaching the end of the first stage of my transition. They said that with the mindset I have right now, there is no way for me to comprehend how it will be in later stages. They were quite optimistic that one day I would be at a place that would just blow my mind with how I would feel about things, in a very positive way. It gave me a little perspective and a whole lot of optimism. I hope you go to that therapist and talk things out. Maybe this is that bump in the road where a little help is needed. If you let yourself, I think what is true for me, will be true for you. You will come to that better place that you just can't see right now.
   I can  empathize with the feelings for cis folk who take everything for granted. I walked past a bunch of new Mom's at a playground yesterday. I was with the special needs kids that I work with. We tried to say "Hello!" and were totally ignored. I felt like, "You smug so and so's."  Did it do me any good to feel that way? I'm still trans, my kids still have special needs. It is what it is. I'll tell you what my conclusion was. Us "underdogs" were the better, nicer people out there. I'll take that any day.
   Moni

[aaajjj55]

I can  empathize with the feelings for cis folk who take everything for granted. I walked past a bunch of new Mom's at a playground yesterday. I was with the special needs kids that I work with. We tried to say "Hello!" and were totally ignored. I felt like, "You smug so and so's."  Did it do me any good to feel that way? I'm still trans, my kids still have special needs. It is what it is. I'll tell you what my conclusion was. Us "underdogs" were the better, nicer people out there. I'll take that any day.
   Moni

With apologies to Amore for sidetracking her thread, Moni, if it's any consolation, I went through similar situations picking up my kids from school.  As one of the few fathers in the playground, I was ignored by most of the mothers and even when I managed to strike up a conversation with one, the following day it was as if we'd never met.  At the end of the day, whilst it's possible to summise that this was because I was a man in a woman's world or, in your case, a transwoman, I think it's just a case that school mothers are incredibly cliquey and don't like anyone invading their inner circle.

However, your experience did prompt me to think about the wider issue of being transgender in today's society.  Whilst we have come a long way, it's still viewed by many as a lifestyle choice and, of those who understand that there are psycholical drivers at work, many still view it purely as some form of mental aberration/perversion.  This was highlighted to me during a recent discussion about a high profile celebrity transitioner with friends where the predictable 'what on earth is he thinking of' type of comment was being made.  I would have loved to have felt able to steer the conversation towards a greater understanding of what she had gone through emotionally and the probable physical issues in the brain that caused it but, rightly or wrongly, I was too scared of being asked how I became such an expert on the issue!

I hope that one day, civilisation will get to the point where nature's wrongs can be righted without unleashing a whole Pandora's box of other issues and prejudices and where we are able to talk about transgender issues, even to the point of being able to say that we have first hand experience, without being branded a sissy/pervert/outcast etc.  Then transition will become a far more universally positive experience and those who take the boldest step will be far less troubled with adverse consequences.

Amore, once again, I hope you find your equilibrium soon but if there are specific things troubling you, why not share them with us so that we can try to help?

[Amoré]

I would agree transgender would be more acceptable and easier to be and manage if people around us understood it better. If they did not see it as some sort of perversion or thing that makes us outcasts but rather a birth defect.

I was born with a wallnut sized womb but due to it not being visible my intersex status was never considered as valid. I had full male genitals and thus I was raised male despite feeling female, acting unnatural female for my age and being frowned upon by elders for it. I insisted I was a girl it is only until last year that the little secret womb was discovered. They thought it was a tumor initially as I had an infection in my prostate. But they discovered it is a little womb.

The strange part not even this new found evidence was enough to move some family members into the thought process of accepting that hey I am not a man I was always actually a bit of both. My brain leaning towards a female gender.

The problem with being transsexual is actually just the pure burden it is nothing more than what I was given to deal with in life but no one wishes to have a life where they have to go to so much hell just to try and feel better. The problem comes in when you can't accept the life you have been dealt with even after you transitioned so far into a passable female. The transsexual cloud hangs over you not being able to have a normal life not being able to have more kids naturally being jealous of genetic woman of how they have life so easy. Even though other people don't know I am trans I know I am and it makes me feel secluded or scared about them finding out and pushing me out.

[Janes Groove]

Have you considered detransition? Since you're pre-op, it's still an option.

[SailorMars1994]

Have you considered detransition? Since you're pre-op, it's still an option.

I would caution you Amore to only think of something like this with more then a grainn of salt. You can keep going the direction you are or stop and go back. One will be less painful then the other that is for sure. But with that, i thought i wasnt trans i should just be  adude. In my personal experience de-transtio was the worst thing i could have done. Like i said, what ever you do be mindful about everything <3

[Amoré]

Have you considered detransition? Since you're pre-op, it's still an option.

It crossed my mind but I don't think I would despite the feelings. I enjoy being a woman I feel more natural except for my penis. I would go all the way if I had the money today I don't thing detransitioning is going to solve the crappy feelings of being transgender whether I  am a man or a woman I have the feelings. So I would rather be a woman with the feelings.

[aaajjj55]

Amore

It's a sad fact of life that people's hostility to trans issues is driven by their own insecurities - something along the lines of 'what will people think of me - my brother/husband/son is having a sex change - it'll destroy me socially' or 'we can't possibly invite 'her' into our group as 'she's' still really a man'.  In addition, I think it's fairly clear that those who are most vocal against LGBT issues are often hiding something about themselves and using their vitriol as an outlet for their own frustrations.

Your case, in particular, should gain far more sympathy as there is physical proof of a gender related birth defect.  From reading some of your previous posts, I know that you miss your wife and daughter a lot but it's important that you don't allow that to derail your new relationship.  I'm also relieved to hear that you don't regret transition and are happier as a woman; as you quite rightly said, being transgender is crappy but I am sure that, as time passes, many of the burdens you feel at the moment will subside and you can feel good about being the beautiful woman you undoubtedly are.

[Amoré]

Amore

It's a sad fact of life that people's hostility to trans issues is driven by their own insecurities - something along the lines of 'what will people think of me - my brother/husband/son is having a sex change - it'll destroy me socially' or 'we can't possibly invite 'her' into our group as 'she's' still really a man'.  In addition, I think it's fairly clear that those who are most vocal against LGBT issues are often hiding something about themselves and using their vitriol as an outlet for their own frustrations.

Your case, in particular, should gain far more sympathy as there is physical proof of a gender related birth defect.  From reading some of your previous posts, I know that you miss your wife and daughter a lot but it's important that you don't allow that to derail your new relationship.  I'm also relieved to hear that you don't regret transition and are happier as a woman; as you quite rightly said, being transgender is crappy but I am sure that, as time passes, many of the burdens you feel at the moment will subside and you can feel good about being the beautiful woman you undoubtedly are.

I miss my family unit but I think in the end being in a abusive manipulative relationship with a narcissist was also very toxic for me. I had a period in 2015 where I was a month and a half on hrt when she supported me and then went off when she changed her mind that she does not want to be with me. I went back to be a man for her but in her mind she could not face having a man that is transgender. I was bashed redeculed, broken down each day of my life being told how I can't be a man how I am not a man that I am not worthy of being a man that men don't do what I do.I was driven to attempt suicide 3 times by her. Well she drove me even further down the rabbit hole letting me thing well maybe you have a very good point if I can't be a man for you let me become the woman then that I am supposed to be.

The day I signed my divorce agreement I took my first hrt pills again in 4 months after stopping as a up yours to her.

[Janes Groove]

I enjoy being a woman I feel more natural.

And THAT'S what makes it all worthwhile.

[PinkThorn682]

Honestly, I've felt the same way a lot of the time. As much as I talk about wanting to transition I do not know if it is the best option for me or if I am truly ready to go through with it. I mean I hate the dysphoric feeling from seeing hair on my arms, or finding that one bit of my jaw that didn't shave that morning just like it doesn't every other morning, or the fact I can feel everything between my legs that just shouldn't be there, but I'm still not sure I could manage it. So far I've only made it outside presenting twice, and only one of those times without an anxiety moment. In fact I've never presented in front of family or indeed anyone who actually knows me outside of putting photos on social media.

And I guess it's that same anxiety driving all of this too. This lingering feeling that I've made some mistake, or that I should stop because it's going to be obvious that I'm never going to be anything more than a cheap facsimile. I know these are not necessarily logical feelings, but anxiety as a whole and what it does to your thoughts isn't logical either.

[HappyMoni]

It crossed my mind but I don't think I would despite the feelings. I enjoy being a woman I feel more natural except for my penis. I would go all the way if I had the money today I don't thing detransitioning is going to solve the crappy feelings of being transgender whether I  am a man or a woman I have the feelings. So I would rather be a woman with the feelings.

Amore'
   
   I am not coming to this thread saying I have any great answer for being transgender. I wrestle with being trans, with mourning lost time as a woman, and with the thoughts of never being authentic enough. I live this too. The thing is, we all know the facts of our situations. At some point, we all have to decide how to move on from there. I can think of nothing more sad than large amounts of time being used up with "If only I..."  or "If only this or that." I am the queen of this, doing nothing about my feelings for 50 years. It hurts me to see others torture themselves  with 'what if's.' Amore' as I read about the abusive relationship that you had with your spouse, I feel that you can be okay, but you need the mental tools to move away from how she made you feel. From your post, you seem good with being female. Maybe you will find you don't need to go to therapy about being trans as much as needing to go to learn how  to deal with the abuse you have seen. You need help (perhaps) realizing you didn't deserve to be treated  horribly, that you deserve to be loved and to love yourself. We are not born with the tools to handle that crap being thrown at us.
   I try to find motivation where I can. Please, please, please don't take my next comment as saying anyone should feel guilty for being sad about being trans. That is not my meaning. I was recently shown a video of a man with no arms or legs. This guy inspired me. He had the biggest smile on his face as he spoke to kids. He drove a boat, swam, went down a water slide. He joked about loosing body parts on the way down the slide. Granted this was an amazing human being. I look at him and think he has every excuse to chain himself down with depression, to hide in his bedroom the rest of his life, and yet, here he is, making his life so positive. I know I am a broken record on positivity, but this guy inspired me. For you Amore', maybe the love for your child is what will inspire you. I don't want to speak for you. For someone thinking of transitioning like Pink, it can have negative aspects to coming out, but it can be torturous not doing it too. (My case for example) You have to discover what will bring the most positive things to your life. I had all the fears you have Pink, for me, transition was the best thing I have ever done for myself despite the problems. I would hate to see you run from it only because it is scary at the start. Fear is all our enemies. I hope you explore, find yourself.
   Sorry for the long post. I just hate seeing any of us eaten up with sadness.
Moni

[JoanneB]

A very comic member of my support group once said "It takes balls to transition"

Yes, it is a VERY serious decision to make either way. "Which Pain is Worse?". The result of that decision often harder to execute, no matter which way you decided to go. Nobody in their right mind wants to be trans. But we had no choice in that matter. We are. No what? Ignore it hope it goes away like that funny noise your car is making? Turn up the radio even louder? We both know how well those approaches eventually pan out.

Whenever I start feeling down about where my life is today and the general direction it seems to be taking, I look back at where I was. Not recent yesterdays but back to the days of "pre-transitioning". The days, weeks, months of anguish and hell my life was before actually doing something FOR ME about being trans. Am I in a better place today then back then? Absolutely Yes.

Yes, considerations for my wife, and career played a large part then as they do today. I did and do what I need to in order to have some joy in my life. A life I know that will never be ideal, even if I were cis. 90% of the BS I need to deal with each day will be the same. Today's BS is just a bit different then the BS of the dark days. I traded off a few items for the trans BS sub-set.

[meatwagon]

i definitely know that feeling, like i've been cheated out of the normal life experience that so many others take for granted.  it hurts.  it hurts a lot, and i'd sell my soul to the devil for a fully functional male body without all the trappings of "transness" attached to it.  but even if i didn't have this condition, i've already been cheated out of a normal life.  i've got other chronic health conditions and bad experiences in my past that have scarred me both physically and mentally.  i'll never be normal, and while i'd love to take away at least one of those issues--this one, the big one--i'm trying to learn to accept the fact that my life is my life, and we have to take what we're given.  i will never be proud of being trans, just like i'll never be proud of having been abused, or of having health problems.  what i can be proud of, though, is living with these things.  for all my complaining, doubts, and fears, i'm still here.  and even knowing that this road will probably never make me fully happy, i've seen my options and i know i'm doing the best i can for me.  i've fought through a lot and i'll continue to do so, and if there's one thing anyone should take pride in, it's the ability to roll with the punches.  i've fallen apart many times and i'm sure i will again, but i keep going and adjusting and learning to live around these things.  i take something from every experience.  some people can't even say that much, no matter how seemingly normal their lives are.  and at the end of the day, what really is a normal life experience, anyway?  we all have our struggles.  this is just one of mine, and while i may not be handling it with as much "grace and dignity" as some people seem to, i'm handling it and that alone is worth something.  we only get one life, might as well embrace it for all its ugliness.  a perfectly straight and narrow path would get boring anyway.

[Raell]

Seems like you have plenty of support on this forum.

I have both genders imprinted in my brain, but lived as a hetero female most of my life. I was blind to social roles, assuming everyone was like me.

Once I allowed my dominant male side to assert, I was amazed to realize that most my ideas about males were wrong.

To my shock, I found that males are slavishly obedient to females, have a natural need to be dominated, controlled, ready to forgive and overlook anything females to do them, partially because they don't take them seriously.

I took it for granted that the wife (me) ran the marriage..decided where to live, what to do, how to spend, etc., and it was my duty to dominate my husband. His role was to do what I wanted and make me happy.

Most women do this so effortlessly, it is never questioned, but I had a hidden male personality that sabotaged my efforts. My male sig. others soon found out I'd overlook their bad behavior, forgive anything, and didn't take male domination seriously.
This attitude invariably led to increasing disrespect from my men until even I no longer wanted to be in the relationship.

But when I let my male side express and fell under the thrall of a female (a transwoman friend from high school)  I quickly found the shoe on the other foot. I was the one being bossed, dominated, expected to do her every whim while she complained and criticized everything I did for her.
Besotted, I did my best to make her happy, but when I found she'd planned my life, picked out my next job, and even the house for us to buy together my outraged female side awoke and I easily ran her off by simply remarking that my friend was "just like a typical male!"

That was enough to get rid of her for good, but now I see how so many transwomen on this forum and in gender issue books I read are typically bullied and controlled by their wives once they decide to transition. These transwomen seem to actually need their wives permission to do anything, and are meekly obedient.

This totally baffles my female side. After all, those same transwomen wouldn't dream of demanding their wives obey THEM and get THEIR permission to do anything. If some woman starts to boss me now, I simply give her an appraising glance with raised eyebrow and change the subject. Nobody tells me what to do.

Yet my male side longs to be dominated, and to find a female "master."