Walking home at night... as a trans female...

[Annaiyah]

So this happens...

A few nights or so ago, I was coming from the pharmacy to get my hormones refilled. As I was walking home, having come off the train... i felt a certain level of anxiety... i kept looking over my shoulder every now and then. making sure no one was following me or preying on me. Let me backtrack a little...

Mind you, when the train got to my station, a lot of passengers came off the train, but of course we all went in different directions and the farther i got away from the train station the more the crowd began to disperse. There were 2 women ahead of me but that changed when we got to the parking lot area, where i got ahead of the female right ahead of me and the first woman went elsewhere.

As i turned a corner and walked down another street, the woman, who i'd say was a good few feet or so from me, came in the same direction i was as i kept looking back to ascertain no one was following me. I sighed in relief. I felt some sort of comfort knowing there was a woman on the same street i was. I felt safe in the presence of another woman, though i was more than sure she wouldn't be walking down the same street as me once i get to my door.

I turned around a second time, not even a minute later, and the woman seemingly vanished! It was like she just disappeared out of thin air. I did not hear any doors open or anything.

I was absolutely terrified. It was almost like something straight out of a horror film.

Logically speaking, it's more than possible she quietly (without intending to be silent) either walked into a house, or turned around and went the other way. But i was sooooooo scared when she was gone and i was the only person walking down that street. It's cold. It's pitch dark. It's after 8pm. I'm not on a well-populated street where there's a lot of traffic. Nothing but a nearby police station and houses.

I continued walking, trying to remain calm, though i'm scared. As i round another corner, i had passed this small opened garage where a small yellow jeep-like vehicle is always parked. When I had passed it i'd looked in it and saw some kind of object was atop of the vehicle. It felt like there was a person hiding in their, or either in the vehicle or on top of it—some kind of creeper man preying on unsuspecting women, waiting to jump from out of nowhere, hold his hand over my mouth and drag me into something... possibly hurt me, rape me, rob me, or Heaven forbid kill me once my assailant notices i'm trans.

But i passed it but not without looking over my shoulder seeing if someone was preying on me. After turning another corner, i got to my house safe and sound.

The thing about it is... i like nighttime, i like being out at night, i like the thrill of being a little creeped out (similarly to being on a roller coaster?) when i'm out at night. But this experience for me has perpetuated a slightly-higher sense of fear, though i still do like being out at night. Having said that, say if some creepy man did put his hand over my mouth from behind and tried to attack me.

I mentioned this experience in my last therapy session. I told her that if this did happen to me, i would not want to scream because my voice doesn't sound very feminine the louder i speak. But she said i would have to in that situation to get out of danger.

I take this to mean that as i'm transitioning into a woman, this is something i'd need to be prepared for. Not to mention, i'm still a pre-op girl. I'm all alone. But luckily it's extremely rare for crime to take place in my town. So could it be that it's more dangerous for a transwoman to be walking alone at night?

The thing about it is, if you're by yourself walking alone at night, it's best not to show you're scared because then if you look scared or nervous, you could make yourself an interesting target to a stalker looking for prey. I just could NOT help it though! But i am glad to have had this experience only because i feel more like a woman. This whole experience made me feel more like a woman.

I opened this thread because i wanted to share this experience with other trans people alike, hear their thoughts, comments, concerns, etc. I'm not intending for this to be a man-bashing post or of anything sexist.

[Laura_Squirrel]

The only time that I've ever been freaked out when walking around was when I walked home after a party at a friend's house. I was the last one there and my friend had to crash. I didn't feel like sitting up by myself. So, I walked home. Sure, it was 3 in the morning, 20 degrees outside and it was a 45-minute walk. But, I didn't care.

The only things that spooked me were the sounds of animals scurrying around or a random bird. It probably had more to do with the fact that I was on several substances. But, oh well. That's the way it was in those days. (Almost 20 years ago) I made it home with no problems. Honestly, once I got off the main road and snaked my way through the neighborhoods, it was a fun little adventure.

These days, I am clean as a whistle. I don't go out at night all that much, though. But, not due to fear. I just have nowhere to go at night these days. But, if I were out, late at night, I wouldn't worry all that much. Chances are that nothing is going to happen. My hometown is pretty safe. (But, dreadfully boring) Sure, there's always an outside chance that something could happen. But, that is a very slim chance. But, if I had to defend myself, it would be no problem at all. So, I don't worry about that.

[Michelle_P]

I was walking home from an event Thursday evening, about 7 PM.  I like to walk, and it is really my primary exercise these days.  Unfortunately one of the streets has a long stretch with no lights, and no real sidewalks, just a painted line.  No shoulder parking allowed, as the street is narrow.

Now, if I'm walking in an area like that at night, my left hand is in my cross-shoulder bag, and I'll be holding a deterrent sprayer with my thumb over the safety.  The spray is always there, on a lanyard ready to grab.  I just have it at the instant ready under these conditions.  (I also have some training in handling an attacker)  I'm not terribly worried normally, but would rather be prepared.  This iris a very safe neighborhood, just poorly lit.  My right hand is holding a bright flashlight (170 lumen LED). 

A car comes up alongside me, then pulls to the shoulder in front of me and stops.  I don't recognize it.   Uh oh.  Sprayer out, safety off.  Run.  As I pass the car I have the sprayer ready to fire toward the door just in case, but nobody jumps out.  I get a block away, and see the car hasn't moved.  OK, maybe it was just a coincidence.  I go around a urge and continue walking.

A minute later, here's the car again.  It pulls right onto the shoulder blocking the walkway.  Damn.  Sprayer out and armed.  Run back 30 feet, ready to bolt across the road and keep on running.  The window rolls down and the driver says "Hey, Michelle!"

It's someone from the event who doesn't know about my walking and wants to know if I need a lift.  Uh, no thanks, and sorry about nearly macing you.  And could you maybe approach someone at night in a less threatening manner, please?

Good grief. 

[big kim]

Used to often have to walk to work very early or back home very late when I was a bus/tram driver. Learn self defense, appear confident, stick to well lit areas, be prepared to fight dirty. Fingers in eyes, up nose, bite an ear, twist fingers, nails down a face will mark a predator for a long time & get you DNA, a bunch of keys will make a knuckleduster, sounds gross but fight evil with evil. Never be taken away. Most predators are cowards & will back off if you fight back or even threaten to.

[V M]

I do have my fears in life, riding a bicycle through town is one, but for some reason being out alone at night is not one of them

Maybe I'm mental, but I kinda like the serenity, solitude and calm of the night and tend to gaze at the stars when they are visible

I have had to defend myself and others from time to time but the last time I asked an aggressor if they would like to play they declined and then ran away for some reason

Go figure

[Maybebaby56]

One of my girlfriends just sent me a quote by Jessica Valenti (an American feminist blogger and author):

"When I was in college, a teacher once said that all women live by a 'rape schedule'. I was baffled by the term, but as she went on to explain, I got really freaked out. Because I realized that I knew exactly what she was talking about.  And you do too. Because of their constant fear of rape (conscious or not), women do things throughout the day to protect themselves. Whether it's carrying our keys in our hands as we walk home, locking our car doors as soon as we get in, or not walking down certain streets, we take precautions. 

While taking precautions is certainly not a bad idea, the fact that certain things women do are so ingrained into our daily routines is truly disturbing. It's essentially like living in a prison - all the time.  We can't assume we are safe anywhere: not on the streets, not in our homes.  And we're so used to feeling unsafe that we don't even see that there's something seriously f***ed up about that."

~Terri

[Annaiyah]

While taking precautions is certainly not a bad idea, the fact that certain things women do are so ingrained into our daily routines is truly disturbing. It's essentially like living in a prison - all the time.  We can't assume we are safe anywhere: not on the streets, not in our homes.  And we're so used to feeling unsafe that we don't even see that there's something seriously f***ed up about that."

~Terri

What i boldfaced hit home with me. It's a home-hitter because on certain nights of the week, my roommate has a crazy work schedule. She works her job two nights a week from 4pm to 10pm so i'm in the apartment alone during that time. I'm scared to be in a house alone at night - late at night. I always fear there is a masked killer preying on me even knowing logically i am the only person here. I have been watching horror films a lot a few months ago.

But as i was walking down the street and as i got so scared, i kept thinking to myself that i'd rather be in the house.

Used to often have to walk to work very early or back home very late when I was a bus/tram driver. Learn self defense, appear confident, stick to well lit areas, be prepared to fight dirty. Fingers in eyes, up nose, bite an ear, twist fingers, nails down a face will mark a predator for a long time & get you DNA, a bunch of keys will make a knuckleduster, sounds gross but fight evil with evil. Never be taken away. Most predators are cowards & will back off if you fight back or even threaten to.

If a man ever tries to abduct me, i'd never go for the eyes. I'd go for anything but the eyes. I just can't ever bring myself to injure a person in such a sensitive body part... or parts i guess.

Another thing i've been thinking to myself... if a predator did try to attack me from behind, and i did scream, and my guy voice came out... and that would be the way he found out i'm trans... that would be the end of me...

[KathyLauren]

Not being full-time yet, I am quite apprehensive when out as myself.  My fear is gradually reducing as I realize that most people don't even notice me.  On the other hand, a guy was knifed yesterday not a mile from where our support group was meeting.  So I try to stay aware of my surroundings, especially when alone.

If I was attacked, I won't give an ounce of rat poop about my voice.  I would assume that I have already been identified as trans, so it wouldn't make any difference how my scream comes out.  I want to attract attention and intimidate my attacker.  So I'm going to yell with my best parade-square voice. 

If I am able to fight back, I will, any way I can.  My first shot will be an orchiectomy delivered by my toe.  My second kick, preferably while he is still stunned from the first one, will be to the solar plexus.  The idea is to paralyse his diaphragm for a minute or so, making him incapable of running (which I would proceed to do!).  If I can't get away, my next shot is to the eyes.  A stiff finger poked as deep into the eye socket as I can.  At that point, my life is in danger, and I have no reservations about causing grievous bodily harm or even death in order to get away.

[RobynD]

I lead a pretty sheltered life. I drive to my office a total of 10 mins from home and park usually on the same block. It is smaller and very safe city. Occasionally when i am out at night and it is never much later than about 10PM, I may walk two blocks or so to my car and sometimes alone (but sometimes with friends or spouse too)

Still the area downtown has a fair amount of homeless folks and they will of course say things to you or ask for money etc often. Sometimes they are screaming at each other etc. I feel for them, nobody should have to live on the streets, not matter what your life choices or chemical addictions. I try to be as nice as i can, even when they are not.

Still, just those interactions have made me think a bit more about my safety. Being attacked because someone perceives you to be weaker than them and really, really wants what is in your purse is a possibility. All areas are not well lit etc. I'm pretty fit and strong overall, but it sort of makes me wonder if i shouldn't carry something like spray.

[Kylo]

As someone who used to walk through different cities late at night and early in the morning, sometimes because I had to and other times just because I like walking in the dark and alone, can't say I've ever 1) felt particularly afraid of walking around alone and 2) ever had anything happen to me while doing it.

Going out at night by myself was something I used to do as a teenager as well, to get away from my parents' constant arguing.

I get people's fear, but I've never personally experienced that fear. I also reckon the idea of a guy waiting in the bushes to spring out on a solitary woman is probably the rarest of those sort of incidents that could happen to a person at night, including things like knife attacks etc. Those violent attacks when reported in the cities I've lived in (I've lived in 5 different ones) nearly always happen to men, and happen because of altercations between people who know each other, gangs etc. Muggings actually seem to happen more often in daylight, as there's more people about to mug and they can see whether someone is "worth" mugging. People do go missing ofc. I wouldn't recommend doing what I do unless you're tempting fate I suppose.

Ironically I always felt safer and more at ease at night than in the day surrounded by more people. I've had to defend myself from people, from people I know, in home or work situations... never from a stranger in a dark street. Either I have quite the guardian angel or it's actually just more safe out there than surrounded by people.

Where I live now it's pretty safe. The worst place to be at night would be outside my front door because that's where the drunks coming out of the biker bar opposite wait for taxis. Walk 2 minutes from there and there's absolute darkness and silence. I often go out at night by myself. If someone did decide to go for me, you could be sure I'd give them a run for their money. I'm always armed.

About the screaming for help thing - I've been tested on that front, at work on a twilight shift. I couldn't actually do it. Have no instinct to call for help and a mindset that there is no help in such situations, only what help you give yourself. I did have an instinct to threaten back, though, and fight if I had to. It got me fired... figures.   

Have something to defend yourself, whether it's one of those rape alarm things or spray, weapon or whatever else. I might be pretty fearless but I don't go about defenseless either. Be situationally aware, and watch body language of people around you. Someone who is tailing you and about to act will likely give unconscious visual cues, in daylight or at night. Someone preparing to attack will give it away in how they focus intently on you, how they will try to match your speed and step. If you're afraid, stick to areas with more people.