Hi all,
I posted this before on a different thread as part of a question as I didn't know there was a section for introductions lol, so sorry if anyone has read this before but there is new information in here i promise (under the background).
Ok so a bit of background about me. One of the earliest memories (about 4) I can fully recall is trying on my mom's shoes and thinking that I wanted a pair for myself and my mom telling me no because boys dont wear female clothes. A few years later (about 7/8) I fully remember coming back from school and thinking that the clothes i wear weren't right so I asked my sister if i could try on her skirt and see how I felt, she said yes and I remember being happy that it felt right looking in the mirror. She ended up telling my mom about it but i denied everything in fear that i was going to be punished for wearing girl's clothes (I was a really sensitive child and fearful of quite a lot of things).
After this (still the same age and continuing as i got older) i continued secretly dressing up in female clothes when my mom and sister was out. I distinctly remembering trying on some tights and female jeans and looking constantly in the mirror at how much more normal i looked. When I was older (about 13) I remember constantly coming home from secondary school each day to an empty house and I would try on my mom's bra and put items down it to look like I had breasts, and then i would put on a female top and jeans and a bit of perfume and deodorant in order to look more natural. This happened for a long time until my mom found out that all her bra's were always closed (was unsure of how to unlock them) and that her perfume was steadily going down. On a day when me and my sister left school early to go to the dentist i expressed feeling different to my sister and about how i would go to sleep each night wishing that i was in a female body even if it meant being in somebody else's body, who admittedly was ok about it, but yet again she told my mom about it and wearing the clothes and again i denied everything out of fear of any consequences.
After this i tried extremely hard to bury every feeling i had of being different, and it was successful i did stop thinking about it until recently (except the time around prom in which i didnt go because i only wanted to go in a dress i found but i would have had to wear a suit instead). Recently I was driving back in my car and I was listening to a song on the radio (apocalyptic by halestorm) and it was just out of the blue in which these feelings and memories just suddenly hit me out of no where. Since then Ive fought about it more. Originally I thought it was because I was bisexual and but over time and thinking of it more its developed into something more.
When I started going around town I started to look at women and think to myself that's how I should look rather than how I currently do.
As well as this I read in an article recently that one of the signs to tell if you are a transsexual is if you have never had any urges to be the male in a sexual relationship (im sure you know what i mean lol) but for me thats never ever been the case. Sure i've been attracted to people but when thinking of sexual activities I would hate for any person to see my body at all (and definitely not my unwanted appendage). There are times when I go around town and I want to do nothing but break down and cry in the middle of town when looking at other women and thinking that's how I should be and look. I even broke down when i got home in bathroom after a long time around town about it and knowing if given the chance i would instantly change my body to be more myself (including removing the unwanted appendage). But hey ho life continues and I know that one day I will be able to transition into the woman I am.
So whats makes the world special for me? I guess it's my 2 best friends who fully know about me, and my four dogs (my little babies). Currently the world seems a bleak place to me, I've bee sexually abused for more then 5 years by the person I was supposed to trust the most, I'm not in a place where I can openly come out as trans, and my life honestly seems to be going nowhere because it is controlled by the person who, again, im supposed to trust the most.
Looking on Susan's place fills me with hope and dreams of the future so I will often comment on people's post's but when I comment on my own I'm sorry to say that more often then not it will be a negative thing.
I look forward to interacting with you more sweeties,
Gwen
