Can't come to terms with failing

[Amoré]

How many of you even after starting living full time sometimes still have these thoughts that you feel that you gave up fighting.

I feel that I actually lost in a way because it feels like my battle against dysphoria was not to become female and transition but to prevent it from happening. I feel like a loser because if I could have prevented it my whole life would be normal and different now. I am a person that don't give up.

In this case I took the best option of all the bad ones I had. If I think back on my male life and how hard I fought to stay male and tried liking being male I think I might have tried it all. I reached points where I can justify that no matter what I tried I could not like being male. My brain just rejected every attempt.

So today I am sitting and thinking what did I win in this because being transgender actually sucks. Even for a person that passes 99% of the time without trying I can go to the shop in male clothes and still get mamme'd not that I am bragging. But I still feel that I lost the fight I am the loser.

Then I go and I am looking for a recruiter and the person that helped me get me previous job is telling me sorry she won't represent me because I am transgender. She already lost a client because of me. O great just more reasons to hate being trans.

[AlyssaJ]

Being trans does suck, let's not kid ourselves about that.  However, for the reasons you mentioned and the myriad of other reasons why being trans sucks, doing something to relieve the dysphoria does not make you a loser or a quitter, it's what makes you a fighter.  You didn't give in to the depression and anxiety and hurt or destroy yourself. You chose to stand up against some pretty tough odds and tell the world, I'm here this is me and I don't care what your opinion is of me. 

Yes we're all going to see some horrible hardships as a part of the cards we've been dealt in life.  I have a sort-of karmic type view that we all get some challenges to face but they come in different forms and intensity.  Being trans is our burden to bear but there is something we can do about it to be triumphant.  You're living it right now and you should never feel that you took the easy way out.  This isn't easy.  But you're crushing the doubters and the haters every day that you live as the authentic you.

Press on and keep fighting.  Happiness and peace is what we all seek and what we will find if we keep going.  You're a beautiful woman and you have every right to be confident in yourself.

[KathyLauren]

In this case I took the best option of all the bad ones I had.

This, I think, is the take-home message for you. 

You faced an inwinnable battle against dysphoria.  The message that I get from the posts of all the members here, as well as from my own experience, is that trying to suppress it doesn't make it go away.  It is a fight that you could not have won.  Discretion is the better part of valour.  You chose the only survivable option.  It takes wisdom and courage to do that.

I am not trying to minimize what you are feeling.  Yes, being trans does suck.  Trust me, I do get that.  But taking the best available option is not a sign of failure.  It is a sign of strength of character and good judgement.

[2.B.Dana]

KathyLauren,

I am only out to a small group of people so I cannot comment on the challenges you have made entirely.  I can however empathize with the feelings surrounding being trans. Yesterday morning, and the evening prior I was hit with a dysphoria depression along with the associated sobbing that stopped me in my tracks. I was thinking about all it takes to make a transition work. I had read one ladies comment that this life becomes another part time job. Thinking how the hours stolen by dysphoria are just replaced by hours invested in living the trans way. Depressed the hell out of me and I sobbed hard, to my core. It was one of those times where my wife was able to see how deep this goes and how profoundly this affects our lives. It's not "all better" but after I got it out we had a pretty good day of talking and planning our future. I am self employed and feel that most of my customers will stay with me as this goes forward but know they could all make a different "choice". Time will tell I guess. As this all moves forward I see why the thick skin and a strong self determination are needed to make this work. I guess it all begins with a belief that life is worth living. We were all chosen as trans ambassadors whether we wanted it or not.

[Amoré]

doing something to relieve the dysphoria does not make you a loser or a quitter, it's what makes you a fighter.  You didn't give in to the depression and anxiety and hurt or destroy yourself. You chose to stand up against some pretty tough odds and tell the world, I'm here this is me and I don't care what your opinion is of me. 

Press on and keep fighting.  Happiness and peace is what we all seek and what we will find if we keep going.  You're a beautiful woman and you have every right to be confident in yourself.

Well maybe I see it out of a different light but this is true it is one hell of a fight even actually more than what staying male was. doing something to relieve dysphoria was the only option I had and I was at a point where I could not function anymore in life. I could not be a parent I was a wreck that just laid in bed and waiting for life to end.

[VeronicaLynn]

I felt this way for awhile after I finally came out to myself. I fought this very hard for a long time, and part of how I fought this was thinking I was a loser if I lost the fight. I've since decided that he let her win.

Having this constant internal fight makes it near impossible to accomplish much of anything in life. I'm so done with that.

[Daniellekai]

Don't think about failing as a man, just try to succeed as a woman. The male part and the female part are still parts of the same person, if the man loses, the woman wins, you shouldn't care which one wins because they're both a part of you, and now the two of them can stop bickering, a win for you.

[Amoré]

I felt this way for awhile after I finally came out to myself. I fought this very hard for a long time, and part of how I fought this was thinking I was a loser if I lost the fight. I've since decided that he let her win.

Having this constant internal fight makes it near impossible to accomplish much of anything in life. I'm so done with that.

That is exactly how it feels like an internal fight between him and her. He is like the sore loser now sitting in the corner bashing me because he did not win and she won.

[Daniellekai]

To detach myself for a moment, I see a common theme with threads like this and my own negative feelings, we all separate him and her, and she is always ourselves, but he is a pure manifestation of negative emotions. Detransissioning into a pure manifestation of negative emotions seems like a bad plan no matter how I look at it.

I can count the number of times someone said they felt like detransissioning because they wanted to do things of their assigned gender on one hand, it's always because of self doubt, loathing, fear, or misplaced anxiety. I did read a thread where someone said they miss being a gay man though.

[Amoré]

To detach myself for a moment, I see a common theme with threads like this and my own negative feelings, we all separate him and her, and she is always ourselves, but he is a pure manifestation of negative emotions. Detransissioning into a pure manifestation of negative emotions seems like a bad plan no matter how I look at it.

Wow never thought of it like that. Detransitioning is a bad bad way to go in that situation.

[FTMDiaries]

Skat, you haven't failed at anything.

You've won at surviving.

You've won at accepting that you were born with a medical condition that isn't your fault, and seeking treatment for it.

You've won at stopping the fakery: you no longer have to force yourself to pretend that being male was something you could learn to like.

You've won at going through hell in order to try to make yourself a better parent for your child... and you are better now.

You've even won at having excellent genes that allow you to pass 99% of the time without trying.

We all walk a very difficult path, and other people make it far more difficult for us than it needs to be. None of this is your fault. Other people, like that recruiter, don't realise that their casual cruelty & ignorance can have a profound effect on us. I'd recommend you complain about her: if she has a boss at the recruitment agency, start by lodging a formal complaint there. Either way, tell them you're complaining to the Department of Labour under Section 6 of the Employment Equity Act. It's illegal for her to discriminate against you on the grounds of being trans, so don't let her get away with it.

[Dena]

We tend to forget that being CIS isn't always peaches and cream. Some people are alcoholics, addicted to drug, have a job or a spouse they can't stand, living with the wrong decisions they made in life, having somebody they dearly loved die on them or any one of a number of other problems. Yes, being trans is right up there with the most difficult problems to deal with but what's important is facing and solving it.

I look like I don't have any problems in my life and that's true but it wasn't always that way. Try to find help when you don't have an internet and even the doctors don't know what they are doing. My transition lasted about 8  years just because I couldn't find what I needed. Today I could have easily removed 5 years from that total and possibly more. Just as I faced my difficulties, you need to face yours. As you do, each problem you solve will make your life a little easer. I am sure you can do it as many have done so before you and are now living a life free from the discomfort of the past.

[CarlyMcx]

Amore, your blessing and your curse is that you are young.  You have not lived long enough to know how good you have it right now.

I gave up the fight after a lifetime of anxiety, eleven years of continuous non-stop debilitating panic attacks, a lifetime of the most vivid nightmares you can imagine, occasional episodes of sleepwalking, thirty years of binge alcoholism, sugar and caffeine addiction, and TMJ syndrome.  I am still paying the price and making repairs to my battered body, trying to keep it in good enough shape for me to live another twenty or thirty years as the woman I always was inside.

I was good at being a man.  I did a good job.  But all it was was a job, a job I could never take a vacation from, and it darn near killed me.

Stop trying to convince yourself that you could have been a man for the rest of your life.  YMMV, but IMHO you would have died in middle age from stress related illness, and it really does not matter whether it is cardiovascular disease, autoimmune disease, liver failure or whatever.  Your body would have given out sooner or later.

This is about being good to your body and taking care of your health, and what you were doing before transition was not healthy.  Compromising your health in order to get or keep a job is not a good idea.  Ask any coal miner about that one.

You found your heart.  You will find your way.

[Scorpio2Scorpia]

Congratulations, your post made me finally create an account, after lurking the forums as a guest for some time now  .

I would like to start off by saying that you, nor anyone else here is a failure. I have fathered 4 beautiful children with the love of my life, and have thoughts and feelings of not being in the right body for as long as I can remember. I am 35, and more so this past month finally got more courage to talk with my wife more about these thoughts and feelings of mine. She has been a tremendous help, and partner with helping me find who I really am, and I need to pay this forward.

You speak of normality, and I will tell you from my many experiences, nothing is normal. To quote Morticia Adams, "What is normal for the spider, is chaos to the fly." We are all here because deep within ourselves, we know there is something more than what is on the outside. I also feel that there is a part of you that knows you're not failing, but rather going through a mental hardship. There is a network on this site, and from what I've seen, it is a beautiful family, not just random people. I too have felt that I have failed myself by denying me who I am, and have felt terrible it took me almost 18 years to fully express those feelings with my soul mate. But just as I haven't failed, neither have you. We all have our good days, and bad days (or for me it's been more since 2016), but we must remember, the harder the ball falls, the further it bounces up.

I hope this helps you in some way, and now that I have officially created an account, please feel free to look me up and vent, and I will listen (read lol), and be more than willing to share with you ways I have learned to battle self-doubt. You are already one step closers to your final goal, and tomorrow is another step. Please don't get discouraged, good things happen all at once, but great things take time

[LizK]

Congratulations, your post made me finally create an account, after lurking the forums as a guest for some time now  .

Hi Scorpia2Scorpia

Welcome and I hope you enjoy your time here at Susan's.

I am so glad you came forward and offered your advice. Participation is not always easy for everyone and many people "lurk" quietly in the background until the find their feet. Fantastic that you were able to share this with your wife and I wish you well.


Regards

Liz


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[LizK]

That is exactly how it feels like an internal fight between him and her. He is like the sore loser now sitting in the corner bashing me because he did not win and she won.

Maybe he just needs a big warm hug from you and a psychological thankyou for looking after Amore, Maybe he was always there to protect you, maybe that was his purpose, maybe Amore is the person fated to this life...just a possibility
Liz

[Amoré]

Hi Scorpio2Scorpia

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for the kind words and advice. I am glad I inspired you to sign up and participate in the community.

HUGS

Amore

[ImSomething]

I felt this way for awhile after I finally came out to myself. I fought this very hard for a long time, and part of how I fought this was thinking I was a loser if I lost the fight. I've since decided that he let her win.

Having this constant internal fight makes it near impossible to accomplish much of anything in life. I'm so done with that.

Oh my gosh, I'm so relieved that I'm not alone in this response to coming out to myself and to others. I fought really hard to tell myself I was cis--to the point that all I was thinking about was being male (in a panicked way because trying to stick to that identity was an uphill battle). Now I'm trying to erase the damage I've done with the mindgames I played. It's difficult, but I think I am happier going down this path. So I continue.

[Scorpio2Scorpia]

Thank you for the warm welcomes.
It seems that we all go through this or similar. I know how I have felt all these years, and my female side has started to become more dominant in my thoughts/feelings as I open myself up more to her to myself and my wife. Just keep thinking about the reasons you decided to start this journey and transition yourself into the person you've always felt you were. My wife jokes with me about how much more emotional I will become if we move forward to HRT (if/when the time comes), and the flood of emotions that come with it. Don't beat yourself up over your choice, because (I cannot stress this enough) you are not a failure.