After lurking for a little while..

[Patroklos]

.. I feel that it's now appropriate to introduce myself.

My name is Milo. I'm 18. I am in a very strange period of my life.

So, in April 2007, I began a transition from female to male. In September 2007, I stopped transitioning before starting hormones or even starting therapy because I decided that as much as I didn't identify as female, I liked wearing high heeled shoes and ribbons in my hair.

However, since I began a slight re-transition, I haven't once put on heels or worn make-up because I'm terrified of getting noticed on the street. I haven't seen a single one of my friends since I stopped transition because after all the grief they gave me, I couldn't bear to admit that they might have been right. So, the only time when I can actually go outside is when I feel that I'm reasonably passable as male, even though my transition had halted.

Recently, I started having dreams again in which I was so clearly male that I woke up feeling sick to discover that I had only dreamed it. This has become a nightly thing, now.

I have a lot of issues with being trans-anything, but also with being female. It's a painful tantalization to think that with medical treatment that I could become almost, but not exactly, what I feel I am inside. I don't really have problems with my body - it's strong, healthy, attractive, but I feel that it isn't who I am.
However, I still like to wear dresses and make-up and all of that, though I've been too afraid to as of late.

So, the question that I ask myself daily now is whether or not transition will actually make me happy. The problem is that I really don't have an answer.

I don't expect anyone to tell me what my problem is or how to fix it. This is a personal journey.

I'm just afraid of everything, it seems.

[Sarah Louise]

Welcome Milo.  I hope you take the time to look around the site, there is a lot of useful information here.

As for the difficulties you are having at the moment, it might be a good time to seek out a therapist.

Sarah L.

[Steph]

.. I feel that it's now appropriate to introduce myself.

My name is Milo. I'm 18. I am in a very strange period of my life.

So, in April 2007, I began a transition from female to male. In September 2007, I stopped transitioning before starting hormones or even starting therapy because I decided that as much as I didn't identify as female, I liked wearing high heeled shoes and ribbons in my hair.

However, since I began a slight re-transition, I haven't once put on heels or worn make-up because I'm terrified of getting noticed on the street. I haven't seen a single one of my friends since I stopped transition because after all the grief they gave me, I couldn't bear to admit that they might have been right. So, the only time when I can actually go outside is when I feel that I'm reasonably passable as male, even though my transition had halted.

Recently, I started having dreams again in which I was so clearly male that I woke up feeling sick to discover that I had only dreamed it. This has become a nightly thing, now.

I have a lot of issues with being trans-anything, but also with being female. It's a painful tantalization to think that with medical treatment that I could become almost, but not exactly, what I feel I am inside. I don't really have problems with my body - it's strong, healthy, attractive, but I feel that it isn't who I am.
However, I still like to wear dresses and make-up and all of that, though I've been too afraid to as of late.

So, the question that I ask myself daily now is whether or not transition will actually make me happy. The problem is that I really don't have an answer.

I don't expect anyone to tell me what my problem is or how to fix it. This is a personal journey.

I'm just afraid of everything, it seems.

And there's much to be afraid of Milo.  

Your journey will probably filled with many unknowns, and fear of the unknown is quite normal.  We're here for ya, just come a knockin and we'll come a runnin.

Welcome to Susan's

Steph

[Kate]

Hi Milo! And welcome! Be sure to check out the Site Rules if ya get a chance

I'd echo what Sarah mentioned that perhaps a therapist could help you sort through all these things. We can help too of course, but there's nothing quite like sitting down face-to-face with someone. It's ashame you can't talk to your friends too, but I certainly understand where you're coming from there.

I don't really have problems with my body - it's strong, healthy, attractive, but I feel that it isn't who I am.

Do you mean that you don't hate your current body since it's healthy and all, but you'd rather it be male? Or would you like to keep your female body, yet be seen as a male?

~Kate~

[Patroklos]

Well, I suppose it would be the former.

I like my body the way it is. I consider myself to be a very attractive person, as a female, and I have no problem admiring myself in the mirror or doing feminine things. But, yes, if this body were male, that would be what would make me happiest, I think. Though I can't really know as I haven't grown up with the male experience and can't say that I would have preferred to have been born male.

I've re-written my response to that question about eight times in the past few minutes.

Also, therapy is on my agenda, though I am a bit apprehensive about it. I am afraid that since I frequently waver in my feelings that a therapist will tell me that I am not what I think I am.

[Steph]

...I frequently waver in my feelings that a therapist will tell me that I am not what I think I am.

May be not.  From my own experience, a good therapist will endeavour to explore this so that you would discover for yourself who or what you are.  A therapist often will not tell you what you are.

Steph

[Kate]

I like my body the way it is. I consider myself to be a very attractive person, as a female, and I have no problem admiring myself in the mirror or doing feminine things. But, yes, if this body were male, that would be what would make me happiest, I think. Though I can't really know as I haven't grown up with the male experience and can't say that I would have preferred to have been born male.

I was KINDA similar, though I'm going the other way (male-to-female). As someone once so eloquently put it, it's not that I hated my male body... I mean it was a decent body as far as males go... I just didn't want to be the one wearing it, lol.

But still, I took pride in looking good at times, even as a male. I didn't take pride in looking *male* specifically, mind you, but in... being presentable, clean-looking, attractive.

In the end though, it wasn't so much about which role I preferred, as what I AM. Or at least what I've always felt I needed to be. I've posted elsewhere that even if I KNEW I'd hate the female role, I'd STILL have transitioned. I had to. I don't really know why for sure, but I HAD to do it, no matter what the cost or consequences.

I've re-written my response to that question about eight times in the past few minutes.

That's a GOOD thing! One of the reasons I love posting here is because it *forces* me to clarify my own feelings by putting them into words. It's a form of therapy for me

I am afraid that since I frequently waver in my feelings that a therapist will tell me that I am not what I think I am.

IMHO, the better ones help YOU figure out who you are. I realize some people rely on an official GID diagnosis for that, but I think it's dangerous to rely on anything other than self-knowledge. For many people, the diagnosis is just a confirmation of something they already know.

~Kate~

[Patroklos]

Well, I imagine that if one is already certain, or relatively so, of who one is, it becomes less of a problem.

I am always uncertain of who/what I am. I don't even know how to introduce myself to people I meet most of the time. "Should I use my legal name or my "chosen" name? Do I present as male or female for this job interview?" Things like that trip me up a lot.

And I know that both of you, Steph and Kate, are right about therapy. No one should tell me who I am. However, since I'm totally at a loss most of the time, I am often looking (consciously or otherwise) for someone to answer the question for me.
Basically, last November I started thinking "You know, I've always cross-dressed, have always thought of myself as a boy in relationships, maybe there is more to that than I originally thought." and since then I've been totally lost. My parents are very unhappy because I've put off college in order to deal with a year long identity crisis.

[Kate]

I am always uncertain of who/what I am. I don't even know how to introduce myself to people I meet most of the time. "Should I use my legal name or my "chosen" name? Do I present as male or female for this job interview?" Things like that trip me up a lot.

You might find the Androgyne community here interesting...

~Kate~

[Patroklos]

Thank you. I'll look into it. ^^

[tinkerbell]

Hello Milo and welcome to Susan's indeed!

Thanks very much for your introduction.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink

[kae m]

Well, I imagine that if one is already certain, or relatively so, of who one is, it becomes less of a problem.

I can't tell you if that's normal or not, but it is EXACTLY how I feel.  I want so very badly to be myself, but I also feel like I don't know who I am.  I am fairly certain of what I am and what I am not, but who...no one, not even myself seems to really know that.

And I know that both of you, Steph and Kate, are right about therapy. No one should tell me who I am. However, since I'm totally at a loss most of the time, I am often looking (consciously or otherwise) for someone to answer the question for me.

I think this is basic human nature.  I want to go to the therapist and have them tell me that I'm crazy so I can stop all of this and get some sleep at night.  Alas, I think I've learned that isn't exactly how it should work...

Well anyway, I wish I had more to contribute other than to say you're not alone.  I hope you can find the support you're looking for

[Kate]

Well, I imagine that if one is already certain, or relatively so, of who one is, it becomes less of a problem.

Sorta, lol. In my case, I feel sorta railroaded, fated to do One Thing. I have ZERO flexibility. The zealots of the Religious Right are wishy-washy, waffling doubters compared to me, lol.

So I kinda admire your range of options. You may not have to decide what you ARE so much as what you want to BE. You might be able to realistically weigh your options, and pick what works best.

Me... even if this crazy transition thing is leading me off a cliff, I STILL have to walk off of it.

~Kate~

[cindybc]

Hi Patroklos welcome to Susan's and I do pray that you find the answers to your problems.

I am afraid I would not be of much good to you, but, I did experience a period of confusion but once I made up my mind as to which direction I was going. I just signed up for the journey and hoped onto the bus and just departed in a cloud of dust.

Something I don't do is try to second guess something or let the debating community in my mind to get in the way.

Hi Kate I can bring a couple of planks and we can build a bridge across the gulch.

Cindy

[Kimberly]

Oh! Hi hi Pat!

^*HUG*

I am glad you have found your way here, while I am not that active here these days (The TS stuff is really the least of my worries as you may well understand, but also in that I started with the TS stuff and have it pretty much squared away now. The rest, is just details )  -- I still think this is a very good place. Susan does an excellent job of keeping it that way, I think. Please feel free to email, PM or whatever else for anything relating to here. But that said, I recommend this place for a reason, I hope it helps you as much as it has me.

Me... even if this crazy transition thing is leading me off a cliff, I STILL have to walk off of it.

So true!

[HelenW]

Welcome and Hello, Milo!

Before I transitioned, while I was still in denial, I often felt comfortable in my body and male persona.  It was what people wanted and expected of me and I expected it of myself even though I knew deep within that my soul was female.

At the beginning of my transition I still felt that way in many instances but it was weaker than before.  For a time I was under the impression that I was androgyne - with a foot in both ends of the spectrum.  And as I progressed along my journey I realized more and more that the old feelings of comfort were feelings of safety which became less and less effective in reinforcing the pastiche of my male personality.

The confusion for me was like a sea I needed to cross and the closer I got to the other side the more certain I was that it was really where I belonged.  So by all means, find a therapist who will help you with your journey.  A pilot, if you will, who can guide you to the destination you are going for and help you along the way.

I'm happy to make your acquaintance, Milo, and hope to see more from you soon.

hugs & smiles
Emelye

[Patroklos]

Thank you, all of you. I am confident that the answer to my question will come. ^^

[Kendall]

Welcome Milo,
Sounds like something others here have similar experience with. We have a great variety of members here with all sorts of interesting pasts and challenges.

KK