On being Liz

[LizK]

Have had a fairly quiet few days...Laser on Tuesday morning but that was no bother...it does sting a little but nothing like Electrolysis...and the prep is no makeup...easy as. So that will Laser treatment number 9...I should start shedding black hairs in about 7 days...there are only a hand full of the thick tough ones persisting, the rest are finer and much harder to see. After my next one I will probably be ready to push the time between treatment out by a few weeks to may 10 weeks and my that stage most of the stragglers will have been removed by electrolysis.

I Continue on with my daily voice practice and have found that I can get about a 175 pitch with out really any voice strain at all. So maybe even with a little more work I can lift it a little higher. Womens pitch tends to be 160 -260 so while on the lower end  it should still be quite good. It feels ok and I just have to learn how to put some inflection and another word the therapist used as well...means to talk in a feminine speech pattern. My natural speach is in about the 140-150 pitch zone anyway so to push it up a little more hopefully won't be too hard.

Had a friend over today who told me I made a "gorgeous woman"  and managed to not Deadname me for the first 1/2 hour but as soon as she relaxed away she went...other than that minor detail it was great to catch up with her and we chatted about all sorts of stuff... a nice way to spend the afternoon, chatting with an old friend.

Just about to head out the door and find something for my dinner and get a few groceries....looks like the outing will be "tres casual" as its hot and I just want to grab a few things...

Just got home thought I had hit the Post button...now I am really hot but at least I now have food and drink!!!!

Liz

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Liz,

  You know those laid back days can be really nice. They give you a chance to recharge before you have to get hectic again. I really ought to look seriuosly into that hair removal thing... Hot?  Can you send me some of that? It's been cold and rainy here, I too have had a couple quiet days because of it. I'm freezing!
  Enjoy the relaxation girl.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[LizK]

Well the last 24 hrs or so have not been fun... My Chronic Illness went into flare up mode for the first time in nearly 12 months, previously it had been once a month at least. So I was a bit overdue.(shrug) This means forced rest and extra meds that make me dopier than usual. 

Apart from that it has been an interesting week. My brother came over and we addressed the issue of his Transphobic wife. I have to say that I do love my brother but he "can't lie straight in bed" let alone tell me the truth. I said to him I understand she is phobic but her and I got on fine and then I say I am Trans and that is it...she will no longer stay in the same room.

None of it was making sense to me but he eventually admitted that maybe, she had the wrong end of things because of what he had said (his words not mine). He thought I was the issue with my parents and expressed that to his wife along with all his prejudices so I ended up looking like trash by the time he was finished.....then he found out at Xmas that everything I had been saying was the truth. However by this time he had trash talked me so bad the only way for him to make it right is to admit to his wife that he was wrong. Which he won't do...

He has played the Supporter but all the time talking differently behind my back. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would...I am still really disappointed as I thought he was a better human being than that, despite all this I did offer an olive branch...you can't choose your family

Had a laser treatment (no 9) last Tuesday, should start to see some decent shedding over the next few days...I can see already the result on my top lip will be a good one, just about all the dark hairs left have swollen over the last week in prep to fall out. There are another couple of dozen over my chin area that have also swollen up so it looks like it could be a pretty good result...I can see from my top lip that the IPL (sigh...what a waste of time and money) I had, did very little in the way of any permanent hair removal...

Could be round two of the ID change saga today. I should see my New Zealand change of name certificate $154.65 later...ouch!... even then it is not certain that it will be accepted...it will depend on how pedantic each Govt department are going to be. I had some upstart from the local water company wanting "evidence" I asked him what he wanted and he couldn't tell me, he simply repeated that he need a document to show the use of the name...so I sent him a copy of my Electricity bill LOL, that is in the name Elizabeth. I don't think what I sent, is what he want,  but now they have to at the very least specify a suitable document....fun and games.

Lost my MasterCard last week because I wouldn't take my purse with me into the shop...for some reason my handbag was suddenly "to hard" to take with me...took the card only, got the three things I wanted...never saw card again. That was a pretty dumb thing to do....but when you are not used to using a purse and handbag it becomes a learning curve. Good news is, that it was replaced within 3 days of reporting it lost.

To be perfectly honest I don't think I could face all that hassle with name change today, the meds make me really tired...so maybe a quiet day catching up with emails and the like is a bit more appealing...maybe a movie...maybe

Liz

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Liz,

  *sigh*  I'm sorry your health issue is acting up at the moment. It makes for a quieter day in the life of one Elizabeth K.  You know even those days can be good days. Low key days can even be looked at as a day of rest.
  Something like my trip out to Missouri and back.  The weather wasn't cooperating and I had some obstacles that caused me to backtrack and find a different route. I ran into high winds, thunder and lightening, rains, snow, flood detours, and a little sunshine. Yup all that and yet I made it there to visit with my friends, coming out to them and getting only acceptance. And I made it home too. As lousy as the drives were I'd trade none of it as it was just what I needed to do at the time.
   Life isn't always a bed of roses but it can be just what we need when we need it.  Hang in there Liz. You will get what you need to do, done and have the acceptance you need when you need them.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[jentay1367]

Gosh....it's always something and then you add family ignorance betrayal dynamics into the mix? Woof! My heat's with you Liz.....it's got to get better from here. Don't let em' get you down...fair dinkum!

[LizK]

Thanks You two....

The health is still not great the next few days are the telling ones...I tend to lose appetite, along with the will to swallow anything and this tends to make things worse as I become dehydrated. But eating and drinking triggers my Pancreas to start production of Enzymes which are most likely "leaking" via the damaged area on my pancreas. This as you can imagine really cause some issues especially when you consider those enzymes are designed to break down food and do no distinguish between me and a piece of steak. Nope not a pretty picture. Normally if I manage to keep things under control by resting and hydrating it will settle in a few days and require no further intervention.

Had 24 hrs off the internet...wow made me find heaps of other things to do....do I really waste that much time doing stuff on the internet.....YES!

My voice exercises got a going over...I am able to pitch easily and comfortably about 175, still a little low but with female range. I can now find the pitch without the use of a piano app. I have also found my overall natural pitch has crept up a little since doing the assigned exercises. I can actually talk a little at the higher 170-180 pitch but it still sounds really odd to me. Anyway next lesson is how to modulate and when to modulate and another word she used that I can't remember for the life of me but its about the way you pronounce things and the inflection you use...

This week should see the laser shedding...some has already moved and I will exfoliate today which will remove a fair bit if it is ready but over the next 5 days it will really clean up...No more treatments for anything till First week in May Yahooooooo. 

Still no sign of the Change of name certificate...got a response back from one of the Govt Agencies that I had been trying to change my name with for the last 2 weeks, They sent me a letter an d in it they had left my old name on the bill, taken my wife's name off and put my Elizabeth name right along side my old one...face palm!!!! Anyway I wrote them informing them of their error, so will see how quick it takes them to sort this mess out. LOL I had to laugh because their letter telling me they had made the changes was so full of apologies for being so dense in the first place, Doh! Got to love bureaucrats!!!!

I am sitting here waiting on the mail to arrive to see if my name change cert turns up, if it does then it I will "glam up" and go get my new photo, licence and finish off the last part of the Medical Name Change stuff...other wise its cleaning....shudder...

Liz

[JeanetteLW]

 Hi Liz,
 
   Pancreas issues huh?  What half of mine?  oooops I can't do that I wouldn't have any left for me.  My second bout with cancer took half of my pancreas and some other stuff in the area. They called it a Whipple procedure.  Now I have the opposite problem of what you have. My pancreas doesn't make enough of those enzymes and as a consequence it doesn't digest the meats , fats and oils properly and they eventually start passing right through me. In the mouth and about 20-30 minutes out the... well you know. I now have to take enzyme capsules to digest better.  Another thing the pancreas makes in insulin... you guessed it that is why I am not a diabetic and take insulin shots.
   So yeah Liz, I kinda understand your problem but from the opposite point of view. what to trade for a bit?

   Sorry you are having a difficult time of it for awhile. I hope it doesn't last long.

   Apologetic dufus bureaucrats screwing up what they were busy apologizing  about?  That for some reason sounds about right. Keep on them until they can get it right.

  Did you see how Cindy, Jane and Randy are all ganging up on me?

    anyway  hope you get alot of cleaning done  you can use the low key atmosphere to help keep your mind of the ID problems.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[LizK]

A Kindred panc spirit...I have calcification and as a result develop cysts as well as getting the "leaking" issue...My panc works pretty well internally and I am always testing along the borderline of being diabetic but never actually step over. My last GP got really concerned as refused to accept that it is caused by a dickie panc, he did in the end after creating a lot of unnecessary work for everyone but eventually someone sat him down and explained it all ....I have had this looked at all ways and as soon as they look at the MRI no further discussion is required...sometimes GP'd get a bee in their bonnet ...The biggest issue it left me with was chronic pain because the last major attack I had 17 years ago did some damage to some of my "wiring" so I am left with nerve damage which fire erroneous pain signals mixed along with those caused by the leaking....usual complicated panc stuff...

Sounds like you have been through the mill...a whipple is no picnic...ouch!!!! Lucky /unlucky for me I still produce enough enzymes to digest ok, so don't have the hassle of the meds or the shots...they told me within 10 years I would be diabetic...year 17 and no change...still borderline. Cancer is just brutal...it obviously took out a fair amount of digestive stuff for you.

I was jumping on here to quickly say I re hydrated yesterday and took it easy and today can report things appear to be settling down which is great for it to happen this quick. Being happy has its advantages

Jeanette I know they are ganging up on you...and so am I...only being gentle about this...look at it more as... lets say encouraging you. What would the perfect going out story be for Jeanette? Seize the day and all that...You will as Cindy said feel liberated...Oh yes amongst a who trove of other emotions...so I encourage you...maybe with a gentle but "loving" shove in that direction

Were you ever a member of the PMB?

Liz

[JeanetteLW]

Sounds like you have been through the mill...a whipple is no picnic...ouch!!!!... Cancer is just brutal...it obviously took out a fair amount of digestive stuff for you.

I was jumping on here to quickly say I re hydrated yesterday and took it easy and today can report things appear to be settling down which is great for it to happen this quick. Being happy has its advantages

Jeanette I know they are ganging up on you...and so am I...only being gentle about this...look at it more as... lets say encouraging you. What would the perfect going out story be for Jeanette? Seize the day and all that...You will as Cindy said feel liberated...Oh yes amongst a who trove of other emotions...so I encourage you...maybe with a gentle but "loving" shove in that direction

Were you ever a member of the PMB?

Liz

  Hi Liz,

  Yeah, you might think I've been through the mill a bit.  I've had my appendix out,  left kidney out due to the cancer, a whipple when it came back. I take enzymes when I eat and insulin shots, let the doctors poison me every 8 hour in ICU for 2 weeks then a recovery break and let them do it again for 2 more weeks when the cancer came back in various places in my abdomen.  But I am still here and kicking.  That is why I am in such awe with what Cindy has been through. In a way I know what she is going through, though the circumstances are a bit different. She's a real fighter.

   I am glad your problems are beginning to subside. You've been through a bit of an ordeal yourself. Not a lot of fun involved I'm sure. I hope you continue to feel better.

  It's okay you all are doing a bit of friendly pushing. I know you all mean well and have my best interests at heart. Why do you think I keep coming back here to put up with the abuse? lol Luvs ya all.

  I guess I never was a member of the PMB because I've never heard of it.

Hugs,
   Jeanette

[LizK]

  My Change of Name Certificate finally came in the mail.....

[JeanetteLW]

YAY!!! CHANGE THAT NAME!! CHANGE THAT NAME!!

[jentay1367]

Congrats liz...that has to be affirming. You needed that win after last week. Good on ya'!

[LizK]

Over the last 6 months being mis-gendered has begun to really bother me as it did not impact me the same way it does now.

It is surprising to me as to how much it hurts...Maybe this is the flipside of self acceptance.... "Womanhood" is all very new and feels fragile so I wonder if it is because being misgendered strikes at the very core of who you are that it hurts so much. It feels like an attack on my authenticity as a person...it makes you feel like those who do it, don't actually care and are more concerned about themselves than our wellbeing or supporting us.

Now the really unexpected part of all this are the only people who mis-gender me on a constant basis are people I really love, like my wife and my parents. I want to be careful how I deal with this issue... my wife knows how important pro-nouns and names are because we have talked about it, but yet she will not use them. Yesterday after spending an hour and half being mis-named and mis-gendered by my parents I found myself sitting with my wife as she had a series of phone conversations with my daughters where she constantly mis-gendered me to them. I couldn't take it anymore and left the room. Straw, camels, broken back and all that...so I learned mis-gendering also has a cumulative effect.

My wife knows there is something wrong, however, I really don't want to push this because I said I wouldn't but when I said that I also didn't realise I would feel the way I do...and I can't help that. My wife is doing a remarkable job just keeping it together with me transitioning and I understand this is also difficult for her.

I don't know...as you can tell I am a bit torn about it all...anyone got any thoughts they would like to share?

Liz

[jentay1367]

I don't like it either, Liz. But the wife gets a pass till I die. I use my female voice, female mannerism, female pronoun and female reactions around her now. I give no one else that pass to misgender me any longer and that helps her. Consequently,  she has started to slowly come around of her own volition. I figure it's hard for her to be in the ocean without getting wet so I immerse her in me without saying a word. After 34 years it's the least I can do. For the longest time I caught myself acting like "him" to appease her without even being conscious of the fact. Since I stopped that, she still makes mistakes, but I never admonish her. Of late she seems to be embarrassed when she misgenders and dead names me. I'm letting it happen organically and assume Pavlovian theory will kick in at some point. 34 years is a lot of unscrewing for her to do. It will all play out the way I want, it just demands more patience than I'd originally thought. Good luck.

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Liz,

    I wish I had some words of wisdom, some sage advise, a valid solution, or a comforting thought for you. But as you know I am too new to this myself to offer any of that. I have no such experience with the problem as I have no immediate family local. The best I can do is offer a virtual hug and wish you the strength to get through this hard stage in your journey. I can say that I believe this difficult time will pass with time and love. I was hard for you to accept this difference in yourself even after years of knowing you were different. Your loved ones have had many year of know you as a different person, that person you tried for so long to presented to the world. It will take time and a lot of gentle exposure for your loved ones to accept this change being suddenly forced upon them. Some we know and want to accept us may never be able to do so. Sadly we must accept that and let them go. Given time they may of their own volition return.
   It's tough sure, and it hurts. For  the time being you will need to understand it from their point. It has hurt them also their husband and father is for all intents and purposes is gone. Sure you know you are the same person inside that you have always been but you now have made it difficult for them to see that. I hasn't been easy for them just as it is not easy for you. Give it some more time and keep loving them.
  You can do this Liz.

  ((((( HUGGGGS)))))

  Jeanette

[Michelle_P]

Mis-gendering definitely has a cumulative effect on us.

It's really hard for people that know us across our transition, from the old presentation to ourselves, but I do nudge them occasionally.  My ex-wife never sees me at her request, so that isn't an issue. 

For people that I have met since transition, who slip occasionally, I will do something to prompt them, like get a pronoun pin (She/Her/Hers buttons on the trans-flag background) out of my bag and put it on.  If they persist I get out another pin and put it on.  If they still persist they're being jerks, really, and are not friends.

[LizK]

Jentay
For the longest time I caught myself acting like "him" to appease her without even being conscious of the fact. Since I stopped that

You know what?... you have made a really valid point here....as I sit here and think about what you have said it rings a chord in me that says "you do this all the dam time" ...from the lawn mowing to dressing down so as not to "take anything away from her"... She hasn't asked me to do any of this and it also feels a little bit like me having a whinge only to learn that I cannot expect others to do stuff I won't. I kind of feel a little like I need to ramp up my femininity to help her see me less as a guy...hmmm that actually sounds like fun

Jeanette
The best I can do is offer a virtual hug and wish you the strength to get through this hard stage in your journey. I can say that I believe this difficult time will pass with time and love.

Very true, time is the great healer. My daughters are really aware of pronouns and they are trying but it will be a long term thing. I think for them the greatest relief was that they realised that I am still the same person I have always been, My essence(as my mother described it) is intact, or same chocolate different wrapper(my wife's description). I think they were surprised about this but really happy. My wife also talked about feeling relieved when she realised I was essentially who I have always been just so much happier.

Michelle
Mis-gendering definitely has a cumulative effect on us.

Another lesson learned, I need to find a way to work through this and let her come to her own realisation. I think that although taking a bit longer may in fact work on her.

I like the idea of the pins to prompt people...were these pins you got online or locally?

Today is going to be interesting, we will have the whole family together along with partners for Easter Lunch and I am sure the mis-gendering will be coming thick and fast. I will need my "big girl pants" on today  .....Actually when I think about it, maybe not, my eldest daughter dropped in unexpectedly the other morning and caught me really upset and we talked about it then. She is acutely aware and has been trying to cajole her Mum into gendering me correctly. I did ask that she not put too much pressure on her mother...as I have told her she can do this at her own pace.

Thanks ladies for your help I appreciate it

Hugs all round

Thanks

[Cindy]

For my 5 cents worth.

Yes gendering by the family is the hardest issue. I gave my wife 'free rein' and she now never misgenders me but it has taken several years.

So it does happen and it can be startling when it does. I had family around yesterday, there is one male, my brother in law. He is a lovely man but has always been a little cautious around me, not quite knowing what to do. Yesterday as we were all greeting each other on arrival he made a comment, 'Cindy, you are looking lovely today'. I almost collapsed, his wife looked at me with raised eyebrows - stunned by the break through and I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Remember family have always known you as him. He has to die in their minds before they know you as her. It takes time.

Have a wonderful Easter Sunday and a lovely time with the family. Tune out of the words and just feel their love and warmth. Your family loves you and accepts you, allow them the privilege of showing it in their space and time.

Love
Cindy

[LizK]

Have a wonderful Easter Sunday and a lovely time with the family. Tune out of the words and just feel their love and warmth. Your family loves you and accepts you, allow them the privilege of showing it in their space and time.

Love
Cindy

Thanks Cindy

Your are bang on...they do love and accept me and that is why I need to move past it. You have given me a nice perspective on things and it has made me realise that, Yes, it is going to hurt when I am misnamed and mis gendered by my family, but that does not change the fact they love and accept me. Given time the words will come...I move another step forward 

Thanks you all, for your thoughts on this... I hope everyone has a Great Easter

Liz

[Michelle_P]

I designed and ordered the pins through Zazzle.com but there are some other designs I've bought samples of on their site.

These are the sample ones that you can find on the site. The They/Them/Theirs and He/Him/His pins at the top are two of the ones I did up.  I'm out of She/Her/Hers in the 1 1/2" and am ordering more.



I carried a bag with the last 50 I ordered in my purse and passed them out to folks.  I may order 100 next time. A little pricy but great icebreakers! [emoji78]


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