Liz's reunion caper
I flew out to the Gold coast for this reunion last Friday the 19th. This is my first time fulltime being on my own flying, navigating airport security, crowded airports and the like...I don't mind flying but hate all the mucking about that is involved.
Got showered dressed, looking good, bit of light makeup, nervous, excited! I picked up my handbag, grabbed my suitcase, only to hear a loud SNAP!, the wheel had just broken on my suitcase. (Great...why not). Dilemma...rush back in and change suit case?...then run late for check-in or drag bag in and out of Airport etc etc. Decided I would just have to suck it up! Did I pack light??? No way, I did have 23kg to use after all...(sigh!) Arrive at the airport with a good amount of time to get through check-in and security. Usual full body search stuff due to my implanted medication pump...sigh!! Tedious!
As I walked out the doors of the Gold Coast Airport to get my suitcase, the first thing I hear is a woman yelling "There she is" and was met by three of my old nursing girlfriends. They were wearing party decoration hats with heart shaped glasses, twirling banners and holding a heart shaped chalk sign that read "Liz's 'Trans' port"....I couldn't help myself and burst out laughing. That set the tone for the weekend.
They (about 20 of us) were all really great but the whole weekend was spent talking in context of when I was "Him". I was misnamed on several occasions, however more so misgendered but this was in circumstances that were difficult not to, because of the context and possibly several glasses of booze. I don't drink, so of course I really noticed, far more than they did. Even as affected as many of them were they managed on the most part to include me and use my name and pronouns. However I hear a couple of them refer to me in male pronouns when I wasn't supposed to be in earshot. On the whole though they were really respectful making few mistakes and these were after a few drinks. How they behaved toward me overall was as important and that was as a woman. I was always included in the girl talk and definitely excluded from the guy talk ...which was an absolute relief. Had so many laughs...shed a few tears also but mainly laughs.
One thing that did drive me crazy was that one entire wall of the living area of our apartment was floor to ceiling mirrors...this is where the group spent 90% of their time, the room I slept in had a wall of mirrors as well...full body shots is something I usually avoid...not this time.
Earlier in the week my wife and I had spent some time putting together some outfits for the time I was away. Saturday night we are heading off to diner and I was going to be wearing a Blue and white horizontal tripe tunic dress with leggings and knee high boots finished short style black cardigan. As the afternoon progresses and it get closer to the time to get ready a close friend of mine arrives whom I haven't seen in like 5 years and she is wearing the exact same outfit except her dress is ankle length and so are her boots....OMG what are the chances Just as well I hadn't changed fully!!!
Plan B
Handkerchief skirt and top combo, Black with silver pattern along the bottom edge, combined with knee boots and coral cardigan, minimal makeup(it was muggy so kept sliding off anyway) but with a nice plum coloured lipstick. Looking good and feeling great went out for a fabulous night of laughs and good conversation.
By Sunday morning I was dreading the trip back to Adelaide my dysphoria had kicked off early morning, airports are not my favourite places. I have an implanted medical device which sets off the alarm and they sometimes over react because of the really strong signal it gives. I got through Adelaide and Gold Coast Airports but it was not without incident.
On the whole I really enjoyed the trip and loved the time I spent with my old colleagues. The misgendering by my nursing friends was in the context of telling stories that included me/him but still got to me in the end. Everyone slipped up at least once with me and some more than others but I only detected genuine slips and not a rudeness thing. I really felt like the entire airport was staring at me especially when I got my usual full body search after setting off the scanners. It's like having a neon sign above your head saying " Would all those people with nothing to look at please Look Here" So I found a quiet place to sit and tried to make myself as invisible as possible.
One thing I did not expect was the whole Toilet thing, I know Adelaide, I know where safe Toilets are. I know where they are in proximity to places I go. I know I have the law on my side...but I do not want the hassle nor embarrassment. But in the end I just went as and when I needed.
When I arrived back in Adelaide and I saw my wife and burst into tears...it took me quite an effort to bet myself back under control. I got upset and had been really out of sorts ever since, Hence why it has taken so long for me to post this. It came down to a few things...I was misgendered and misnamed more times in those 36 hours than ever before and it was very hard to take. I know these people at my reunion respected me and most did not intentionally try to misname or misgender me but that also did not stop it happening nor feeling really horrible because it was happening what fel like constantly...in reality it was mainly Friday night as the booze flowed. It also has a cumulative effect, with an abundance of mirrors and my Dysphoria was really singing along by Sunday morning.
I think the most confusing thing for me was that I had enjoyed myself so much yet managed to experience some pretty awful Dysphoria especially from Sunday right through until Thursday.
Hormones? Maybe, I will get them checked as soon as my blood form arrives. I saw my Psychologist on Friday and we discussed this at length. Her thoughts were pretty darn simple...all that misgendering triggered my Dysphoria and since it was being compounded by the continual (but accidental) misgendering the relief from it never occurred until I left. When I arrived home and saw my wife I was able to release some of that pent up stress as I tried to make sense of my feelings about the weekend. I tried to tell my therapist that the real problem was I was just going to have to accept that I would live my days out as a non-passing Trans woman...her response "How do you know you don't pass. What evidence was presented to you that told you directly that you don't pass ...I hate it when she beats me with logic!!!
She promptly gave me some "homework and a swift but positive kick in the slats" She pointed out that for most cis people flying and navigating airports is stressful enough, but add to this the reunion, my hassles with security due to my implant, my desire not to be singled out in any way, oh yeah and did I mention I was trans, add to this I spent the weekend talking , about "him", to people who I have not seen for 30 years...yeah there could be stress. Maybe a case could be made that my feelings were actually not so out of the ordinary.
The most surprising thing to me is that my dysphoria is still capable of taking me to emotional places that I don't want to go. So I am working on that and the misgendering. I am running a diary for me to see if between my psychologist and I we can't work out some better coping strategies than the ones I have, which were essentially, none!
PS: Hey Laurie (waves back)
