On being Liz

[Michelle_P]

Wow, Liz!  That was quite an experience, between the travel, security, first time meeting old friends as yourself, and all while away from the comfortable places you are normally in. 

I'm not surprised at the misgendering, alas.  They knew 'him' for years, and you for hours, and it will take time for them to re-learn how to easily refer to you.  Combine the misgendering with the immersion in your past, with the strange apartment and the mirrors, and you've got a recipe for dysphoria being triggered.

Rough trips, but you made it, survived, and are back home in your 'safe place' with your support network to catch you.  Honestly, you did pretty darn well.

[Shy]

Sounds like a wild journey Liz. But hey, you did it and made it back in one piece.
It took a lot of courage to do what you did, meeting people you haven't seen in years. Even cis people find reunions stressful so they were all probably feeling a little awkward too.
Hope the dysphoria lifts soon, sounds like you're already working through it. I'm sure when it calms you'll remember all the good bits. So a big hug you brave girl for getting out there in the first place.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Laurie]

 ** Waving frantically **

There She IS!!! LIZ !!! LIZ!!

** Still waving **

Over here Liz !! LIZ !!

** (((( HUUUUUGGG )))) **
** Squeeze **

   Oh Liz!!  Welcome back!! I missed you!  And when I knew you should have made it back and you weren't posting, I got worried for you! You were sooo excited to be going and it took you so long to talk to us... well you know...

   I know you were taking care of your own little problems and was busy recovering from the trip and all, But I missed you and needed my "Liz Fix" and you worried me being so quiet for so long.  I need my Liz, Cindy, Moni, Sadie, Randy, Michelle, Kathy, and my #1 fan, p, fixes.
   I know I missed some of the rest of you that I like seeing here and I'm sorry. For some reason my head ain't working right this morning. Little things like doing my routine out of order and having to think about what I need to do that is usually done almost by rote. Nothing is really wrong, its more like I'm operating in a fog this morning.

  Anyway,  where was I? Oh yeah, Liz!.  In spite of all your difficulties Liz it does sound like you had a good time for the most part and the bothersome parts mostly held off being a big problem until you got back. You did great functioning under fire! You go girl!. You smiled, you partied, you participated. you enjoyed, you had fun! You did good in a difficult situation. I be proud of you.
  Now why did it hit you so hard afterward? There's a word for it, or rather 4 words... PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder. Yeah it works. You were in a highly stressful situation despite all the good stuff happening. You put off the actual dealing with that stress delaying and letting it build. Once you arrived back home to a safe environment and comfort of your wife all the pent up feelings and stress came flooding out.
** Hugs and back patting, hair stroking **
  There there Liz, You're okay now. Everything will be alright. Your safe. That's it hon, let it out, go ahead and have a good cry. It's alright now. It's all over. Your back home now.

   Feeling better? Oh I hope so. You know I'm not good at this sort of thing. Besides I have to go take a shower, drown myself with more water, Decide what I'm going to wear male or female?, drink more water, taking tylenol, and slather my face with goo and saran wrap it. Yup you guessed it I have a 2 hour face torture session to get ready for.  ** sigh ** The thing we make ourselves go through for a chance to look a little better in a year or two. Is it really worth it? Maybe I should go back to being "just a crossdresser"

  Glad you are back Liz ((Hug)) I missed you.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[davina61]

Proper RLE then but you came through, that's the thing it didn't kill you or get you thrown in jail,BTW still not won lotto!!!

[LizK]

Big hug! What a roller coaster ride. I have to ask, though:

"...and I was going to be wearing a Blue and white horizontal stripe tunic dress..."


Is that dress blue or gold?        <running away>

Hugs, Devlyn

It's Ok you will keep...long memory I have 

[LizK]

I'm not surprised at the misgendering, alas.  They knew 'him' for years, and you for hours, and it will take time for them to re-learn how to easily refer to you.  Combine the misgendering with the immersion in your past, with the strange apartment and the mirrors, and you've got a recipe for dysphoria being triggered.

I did think about this happening but to be honest I really thought "I got this" Confidence is required to accomplish many of the things we have to do as women, unfortunately in this case I underestimated the impact the misgendering would have. Most people did it a couple of times and those that I overheard behind my back not using my pronouns because they didn't think I could hear them, messed up the most in front of me. It was also heartening to hear my girlfriends challenge the non use of my pronouns when I wasn't supposed to be able to hear.

Oh mirrors...I have only just Uncovered the one in my dressing room a few months ago and barely tolerate it


See what I mean about mirrors

[LizK]

Sounds like a wild journey Liz. But hey, you did it and made it back in one piece.
It took a lot of courage to do what you did, meeting people you haven't seen in years. Even cis people find reunions stressful so they were all probably feeling a little awkward too.
Hope the dysphoria lifts soon, sounds like you're already working through it. I'm sure when it calms you'll remember all the good bits. So a big hug you brave girl for getting out there in the first place.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Thanks Sadie

The Dysphoria has settled quite a bit more and I am feeling much better than early on in the week. It's funny one of the first things that happened not long after I arrived was that everyone disappeared apart from me and a close friend. I guessed she was the person the group assigned to find out the "ground rules". We sat fro about 10 minutes while she asked me a series of questions designed to ascertain how I felt about pronouns, my old name, how to approach discussions of me in the past...I told them to correct themselves and move on. Don't make a big song and a dance about it...but please just don't do it.

This is the Sign that greeted me at the airport

[LizK]

Proper RLE then but you came through, that's the thing it didn't kill you or get you thrown in jail,BTW still not won lotto!!!

It is as real as it gets and you are right despite my hassles with security I didn't get thrown in Jail....although I thought one woman at Brisbane was going to bust something she got so bent out of shape...most if I go through the scanner and mention I have an implant reassess the situation and get me patted down....but no this woman wanted me to go back and forth through the scanner, in the end I was standing there with only other option....strip!...she talked loudly across a few metre distance asking me if I have a pacemaker and when I say no she beacons me to walk back thought he scanner again and once again it gave off its high pitched squeal...in the end they did not find what was causing it and sent me on my way...wow don't you feel secure!!!

In Adelaide the machine read that I had an implant on my back and when I told them it was on my front they ignored me and patted down my back finding nothing and despite my protestations that they were looking in the wrong place they never once patted down the area with the device on it...I could have had a bomb strapped to my front and they would have been none the wiser because the "Computer said No"

[LizK]

.....................   Oh Liz!!  Welcome back!! I missed you!  And when I knew you should have made it back and you weren't posting, I got worried for you! You were sooo excited to be going and it took you so long to talk to us.......

...................... Now why did it hit you so hard afterward? There's a word for it, or rather 4 words... PTSD - post traumatic stress disorder. Yeah it works. You were in a highly stressful situation despite all the good stuff happening. You put off the actual dealing with that stress delaying and letting it build. Once you arrived back home to a safe environment and comfort of your wife all the pent up feelings and stress came flooding out.


....Feeling better? Oh I hope so. .................., Decide what I'm going to wear male or female?, drink more water, taking tylenol, and slather my face with goo and saran wrap it. Yup you guessed it I have a 2 hour face torture session to get ready for.  ** sigh **   Glad you are back Liz ((Hug)) I missed you......

Hi Laurie

I have been reading the posts and making the occasional one when I felt I might have something to offer and I did see you make a  reference to me but I really didn't know what to tell you all as I had not worked it out for myself and apart from that I wasn't the greatest company. I am of the opinion as my mother would say "If you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all" so have kept things to myself...been a bit grumpy with myself...To be honest I really didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was. But something interesting has happened as a result of that experience. I have had a shift in the way I see and feel about myself(at least I think it is that) It feels like a cementing...kind of like..."If you can get through that then you can get through anything"

The underlying anxiety I sometimes feel as I walk out the door has gone... As I am writing this I am realising something interesting....I think I was scared that I would not be able to face the outside world again where in actual fact the fear has gone...maybe that's it. I don't fear the public or being out in public anymore....Yes, loss of fear being the biggest change feels right. I didn't think I had any fear anyway but circumstances have shown me different.

PTSD is s fair explanation...I do believe it has some merit. I think PTSD goes almost hand in hand with Gender Dysphoria at least for me that is the case. In hindsight it makes some sense and in the context of this trip it makes sense.

How was your Electrolysis? How are you managing with 2 hours at a time? I can't imagine your electrologist is going to care about what you wear...they already know you are female...I went from Male  to androgynous to female in looks and presentation. People got used to seeing me slowly changing. I was supposed to have Electrolysis on my right cheek on Friday but over the last 3 -4 weeks it would appear my facial hair growth has slowed to a trickle. So did not have long enough hair to work with oops

Hope you had a good session...what did you decide as far as presentation?

Saturday night out for diner                                    Some of the Gang

                                 

[Laurie]

But something interesting has happened as a result of that experience. I have had a shift in the way I see and feel about myself(at least I think it is that) It feels like a cementing...kind of like..."If you can get through that then you can get through anything"

The underlying anxiety I sometimes feel as I walk out the door has gone... As I am writing this I am realising something interesting....I think I was scared that I would not be able to face the outside world again where in actual fact the fear has gone...maybe that's it. I don't fear the public or being out in public anymore....Yes, loss of fear being the biggest change feels right.

Hope you had a good session...what did you decide as far as presentation?

  Hi Liz,

  Well, I am sure we all know grumpy.. in fact I know it so well one of my friends uses it as a nick name for me. I don't understand why she can't call me a mean rotten old fart in a cowboy hat like every else does... Hopefully soon it will change to a mean rotten old broad in a cowboy hat (with a pretty scarf). lol

  It sounds like something good has come out it though. Losing that fear of public appearances can only be a good thing. And that confidence you have gained in yourself is good too.

   My electrocution went as expected and I post a bit more about it above. It did get a bit more painful towards the end. I also found out something interesting regarding the equipment. It apparently put out quite the electrical field from the victim. I got out my smartphone to show Christina my 2 wigs in pictures I've posted here and my was acting squirrely. It was having one heck of a time interpreting the touches on the screen making it difficult the bring up the pictures and switch from on to another. It was doing all sorts of thing I wasn't trying to do. I'm sure it was that machine and the energy it was radiating that caused the problems. It makes me think that it was likely not good for the phone so I got it turned off and put somewhere away from the table.

How did I present? Good question Hybrid I'd say, Nothing special either way.

Male items: no wig or makeup, red  t shirt.
Female items: earrings, bra, panties, socks and shoes, woman's watch, clear nail polish.



Hugs,
   Laurie

[LizK]

Male items: no wig or makeup, red  t shirt.
Female items: earrings, bra, panties, socks and shoes, woman's watch, clear nail polish.
....

Hugs,
   Laurie

...and so it starts...you will make the changes at your pace and before you know it you will be making that appointment for your "Make over"  

I will have to pop across and have a look at how the electrocution went.

[Laurie]

...and so it starts...you will make the changes at your pace

I will have to pop across and have a look at how the electrocution went.

I've been running around my apartment complex doing laundry, checking mail and taking out trash for the last 4 days dress much as I was in the picture above even with these contractor workers coming and going in front of my apartment. They aren't bothering me in my head as much as they did before. I also been out taking walks en femme twice this week Liz. 
   I'm working on it I tell ya.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[LizK]

I've been running around my apartment complex doing laundry, checking mail and taking out trash for the last 4 days dress much as I was in the picture above even with these contractor workers coming and going in front of my apartment. They aren't bothering me in my head as much as they did before. I also been out taking walks en femme twice this week Liz. 
   I'm working on it I tell ya.

Hugs,
   Laurie

I know you have...you have made huge progress...Electrolysis is talked about around here like its having a hair cut. I am as much to blame as anybody. But the reality is its a difficult painful procedure for most of us and you are doing great having two hour sessions. Getting out and about will come with time and confidence

[LizK]

So another 20 minute Electrolysis session...She has been trying to finish off that initial first clearance and today picked up most of the stragglers from  there on my cheek. Back to more lip work for a longer session on Tuesday up to 90 minutes and then a shorter one on Thursday Mornings of 20 minutes so will end out getting another 80-100 minutes in per month...I may well extend these times depending on how good the coverage I get from the new cream I am using called "Numbit" which is a generic brand Emla cream only half the price...I have some Emla cream and patches coming (that I got cheap online)so will be able to compare directly how good the two creams are....

What really made me happy was Her comment that it is all going incredibly well with negligible regrowth and some women need a couple of years to get to where I am at the moment. I was really surprised....I said I noticed the villus hairs and she will remove them as they will grow really long but would like to take care of the last remaining stragglers first over the next few 20 minute sessions ...great outcome...As much as I hate this I now realise with certainty I can tolerate some electrolysis with just numbing cream...that in my book is moving forward...

[Laurie]

Hi Liz,

  It's good to hear you are winding down on the face torture and becoming able to tolerate it a bit w/o the shots.

  I haven't made another appointment for myself because my whereabouts in the near future are uncertain, or soon will be.

  Glad you are back, dealing with your issues and keeping us all in the Lizzy Loop again. You're doing well so keep it up!

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[LizK]

 
  I have made another appointment for myself because my whereabouts in the near future are uncertain, or soon will be.

 

DO tell?? Why are your  "whereabouts in the near future are uncertain"

[Laurie]

DO tell?? Why are your  "whereabouts in the near future are uncertain"

  Hi Liz,

   btw I corrected a typo  to say I haven't made another appointment.

As to why I'm note sure where I'll be? Have you not been hanging on my every word? Did you forget in your advanced age? Maine, Baby! Road trip! departure is imminent. it could happen any time between tomorrow afternoon and  June 13th.  At this point it is as I said uncertain. There are still a few things I need to get done and a couple I'd like to get done yet. The "likes" can be put off...

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[LizK]

  Hi Liz,

   btw I corrected a typo  to say I haven't made another appointment.

As to why I'm note sure where I'll be? Have you not been hanging on my every word? Did you forget in your advanced age? Maine, Baby! Road trip! departure is imminent. it could happen any time between tomorrow afternoon and  June 13th.  At this point it is as I said uncertain. There are still a few things I need to get done and a couple I'd like to get done yet. The "likes" can be put off...

  Hugs,
   Laurie

Oh that...I didn't think it was that soon...sounded like a couple of weeks away....departure is imminent...some time in the next two weeks ROTFLMAO...

[Laurie]

Oh that...I didn't think it was that soon...sounded like a couple of weeks away....departure is imminent...some time in the next two weeks ROTFLMAO...

Dearest Lizzy,

  Listen here lady, don't you dare laugh at me.."ome time in the next two weeks" IS imminent for me. It means I finally decided I am going, and that it will be soon. That is about as close to making plans as I get.!!
  I know, I know some people actually set firm dates for doing things especially something expected to take a month of so to do. Those are "Normal" people and I've never been accused of being that.

  I have about 3 things to get done prior to leaving.
     1. buy groceries for my sister
     2. get and leave cash for her to use while I'm gone
     3. Have the 4 wheel drive repaired on my pickup (could be put off again)
   After those it's a matter of tossing stuff in the truck and hit the road.

  So there woman. Those are my plans. Tasks to get done (w/o dates) then feeling it is time to go.
It's the best I can do.

  Hugs,
     Laurie

[jentay1367]

I can usually start to feel some small pains after about an hour but by that stage she has usually cleared the area I have numbed. After about 1 hr 45 they are really starting to wear off and by 2 1/2 hour mark they are almost non  existent....from about the 1:45 to the 2:00 hr mark is when it starts to begin to fade and when this happens it happens fairly quickly.

My injections are usually given by about 12:30-12:45, its then 15 minutes to get parked and into the Electrologist...each time I think I have provided her with a big enough are she clears it...she can work way faster.

The injections themselves could be a bit tricky depending on where you live. I had great difficulty finding a Dr willing to do it...by Dr who does my Endo stuff does it for me because she is Trans herself and understands the pain and the need. She doesn't have huge amount of experience (except in injecting her own face)with facial injections but together we are learning as to what works best.

Hope that helps

Liz

That is the frustrating part. I'm not sure of how it works in Oz, but her here in trumpville, the skillsets of pain management and hair removal seldom convene. It just makes it so difficult to get the help you need for reasonable money or via any convenient timetable. Anyways, were relentless women, Liz. These damned hairs don't stand a chance with us. They can go down easy or they can go down hard....but they're going! LOL!