On being Liz

[LizK]

So sad...I love those things. Poor Womans Lotus Elan without the grief or maintenance. My friend had an 89'. Ansolute hoot to drive. Sorry Liz.... not trying to hijack your thread. Consider mine an Michelle's posts commiseration😉

I don't know about Hijack...in order to do that I think the thread would need to have a consistent topic...of which this doesn't so long as it broadly fits into my trans experience then it is on topic ...and I mean broadly ...the simple words "I know the feeling"...yup that's on topic haha

[LizK]

I am always so very tired after Electrolysis and will make this quick....so the word from the electrologist is 7 injecting sessions along with 7 20 minute sessions done with cream and she estimates I will be at maintenance mode by the time we get to the last sessions...so every couple of weeks I may need to go in and get a few zapped, If she is right and I have no reason to doubt her ...that is an astounding result and I will be very happy. Next session for my top lip and I am getting dental blocks to finish off somewhere near the end of July.

Oh to be all but finished by August when I see the surgeon would be superb...slow and steady progress

[Michelle_P]

Congratulations, Liz!  It must be a tremendous relief to know that the end is in sight.

I think we may be in similar places.  In two hours now, my electrolyst is clearing much of my face.  (The other two hours is spent on getting the South Pole ready for GCS.  The surgeon wants to see three months worth of progress down there on the initial consult.  He's been bitten too many times by patients not done with clearing by their original surgery date.)

[LizK]

Congratulations, Liz!  It must be a tremendous relief to know that the end is in sight.

I think we may be in similar places.  In two hours now, my electrolyst is clearing much of my face.  (The other two hours is spent on getting the South Pole ready for GCS.  The surgeon wants to see three months worth of progress down there on the initial consult.  He's been bitten too many times by patients not done with clearing by their original surgery date.)

Thanks Michelle I have to admire your stoicism during your Treatment..2 hour sessions, they had to have been just awful and unlike me (who bitches continuously) you managed to just keep going.  I don't know but I am going to take a guess that your Tech won't compromise their treatment quality because you are uncomfortable...

"This is the treatment and if you want the treatment to be done properly then you need to find a way to get comfortable," kind of attitude rather than "no problem, I will turn the current down till you can handle it and worry about the consequences later" type of attitude (even though I know it won't do the job).

Not that mine is not empathetic with the discomfort and does everything she can to minimise it, but she won't drop the current or pull a hair before she should because I am uncomfortable...if it is that bad then we stop for the day. Her results speak for themselves and clearly so does your Techs.

It is such a relief to know that this horrible shaving limbo is coming to end...too much to not shave at all...still too much for one session....nearly. We have worked out our attack for the next 7 weeks so fingers crossed

I have my first GCS appointment in August and my Australian surgeon has not mentioned anything about hair removal, I have been sent nothing that would indicate this needs doing yet. Mainly I think because he has such a long waiting list its going to be late 2018 or early 2019 before I surgery is likely.  That is ok because I am still torn between cosmetic and full GCS...my head says "yep have the cosmetic you are not going to use the other equipment" and my heart says "are you kidding girl". I think I will be 10K short regardless so it could all be a moot point anyway, because I have no means to earn it. The further along my transition I get the more I want it done. Maybe its just 50 years of stereotypes driving my decision...I don't know but I have plenty of time and help to figure it out why I want the full surgery so badly. 

[Laurie]

I have my first GCS appointment in August and my Australian surgeon has not mentioned anything about hair removal, I have been sent nothing that would indicate this needs doing yet. Mainly I think because he has such a long waiting list its going to be late 2018 or early 2019 before I surgery is likely.  That is ok because I am still torn between cosmetic and full GCS...my head says "yep have the cosmetic you are not going to use the other equipment" and my heart says "are you kidding girl". I think I will be 10K short regardless so it could all be a moot point anyway, because I have no means to earn it. The further along my transition I get the more I want it done. Maybe its just 50 years of stereotypes driving my decision...I don't know but I have plenty of time and help to figure it out why I want the full surgery so badly. 

Okay Liz, enough with the splitting of hairs for now. Since you've brought it up, let's talk about GCS...

Specifically, "That is ok because I am still torn between cosmetic and full GCS...my head says "yep have the cosmetic you are not going to use the other equipment" and my heart says "are you kidding girl""

   As I sit here having just begun this long process, not yet used to going out in public as a woman,  with only 3 hours of letting a nice lady perforrn ritualistic rites upon my face, and truth be told still struggling to accept myself as a woman instead of a crossdressing pervert, I occasion have time to ponder this subject myself. It strikes me as absurd to even have this cross my mind at this point, but it does.
   I have said I doubt GCS is going to be necessary in my case. Logic tells me this is so. Why? For many reasons; 1. First is that I am 64 years old now, so what's the point? 2. I am not in a relationship with a significant other, nor do I visualize ever being in one. 3. I can visualize no use of it for it's intended, accepted purpose. 4. And lastly, it is a costly, risky, and painful procedure ( not counting the generally required deforestation of the affected area )
   That leaves one wondering why it would be necessary at all for me. In my case it would have to fall into the category of vanity? One could argue it fulfills a need to complete the physical change. To finally physically finish the look of a female. To satisfy that irrational mental imagery of what a female is. It leaves me wondering "is it really necessary?" And my logical answer is  "no". And that is what I've been telling people I talk to who have asked.
   Then why do I keep coming back to the question? Why do I keep thinking GCS is something I think I want? It makes no sense to me at all but there it is. Whenever I find myself thinking about it, I think though it isn't required or necessary, I could change my mind somewhere down the road and answer that question, "Yes, I want the surgery" even though I have no good reason to have it done. It is so far away that cost doesn't even come into the picture.

  For now it is just an intellectual exercise, a "what if". I'm still shaky in the decisions I have made thus far. I'm still committed to these decisions, though at times I am not sure why.

  For you Liz, it's not an academic exercise. You're "all in" and I salute you on that. You'll get your GCS, of that I am confident. As they say "Where's there a will, there's a way" You will find that way, Liz. Have faith in yourself, you'll figure it out.

Hugs,
    Laurie

[JulieOnHerWay]

Okay Liz, enough with the splitting of hairs for now. Since you've brought it up, let's talk about GCS...

Specifically, "That is ok because I am still torn between cosmetic and full GCS...my head says "yep have the cosmetic you are not going to use the other equipment" and my heart says "are you kidding girl""

   As I sit here having just begun this long process, not yet used to going out in public as a woman,  with only 3 hours of letting a nice lady perforrn ritualistic rites upon my face, and truth be told still struggling to accept myself as a woman instead of a crossdressing pervert, I occasion have time to ponder this subject myself. It strikes me as absurd to even have this cross my mind at this point, but it does.
   I have said I doubt GCS is going to be necessary in my case. Logic tells me this is so. Why? For many reasons; 1. First is that I am 64 years old now, so what's the point? 2. I am not in a relationship with a significant other, nor do I visualize ever being in one. 3. I can visualize no use of it for it's intended, accepted purpose. 4. And lastly, it is a costly, risky, and painful procedure ( not counting the generally required deforestation of the affected area )
   That leaves one wondering why it would be necessary at all for me. In my case it would have to fall into the category of vanity? One could argue it fulfills a need to complete the physical change. To finally physically finish the look of a female. To satisfy that irrational mental imagery of what a female is. It leaves me wondering "is it really necessary?" And my logical answer is  "no". And that is what I've been telling people I talk to who have asked.
   Then why do I keep coming back to the question? Why do I keep thinking GCS is something I think I want? It makes no sense to me at all but there it is. Whenever I find myself thinking about it, I think though it isn't required or necessary, I could change my mind somewhere down the road and answer that question, "Yes, I want the surgery" even though I have no good reason to have it done. It is so far away that cost doesn't even come into the picture.

  For now it is just an intellectual exercise, a "what if". I'm still shaky in the decisions I have made thus far. I'm still committed to these decisions, though at times I am not sure why.

  For you Liz, it's not an academic exercise. You're "all in" and I salute you on that. You'll get your GCS, of that I am confident. As they say "Where's there a will, there's a way" You will find that way, Liz. Have faith in yourself, you'll figure it out.

Hugs,
    Laurie

First, in an effort to not be accused of derailing a perfectly informative thread; Congrats Liz in your dogged efforts to get your body in line with your heart. 

Now to how far we older girls are going to go.  It is true that we probably will never pass and then only with the clueless.  Gotta love them.  We also each get to find out comfort level.  While I am really just starting like Laurie with only cursory movement.  Not even on Hormones and no electrolysis (YET),  I have taken some small step to feminize myself as much as I can.   Long hair, shaving legs and other parts, wear feminine clothes daily etc etc etc.  I do know the steps I have taken I do not think I will ever stop.  I like it.  It makes me feel better.  It ain't hurting no one. 
I do at this point want to experience low dose E for awhile to see how that works.  I suspect it will be the same.  Wont want to stop. 
FFS seems intriguing.  i have seen some middle-aged girls results.  OMG.  I want what she has even if I am only 75% of them.  So I am with you Liz, FFS seems a possibility.  And to be honest, for the same reasons Laurie expressed, bottom surgery is not a wish expense.  But a qualified opinion as being, right now.
But like my beginning of liking what I have done and don't want to stop and want to move a bit further, I may as I evolve, I just may think differently.  My mild dysphoria may become stronger.  I may awaken an urge that has to be dealt with. Then i will change my mind and deal with that then.  And maybe I find an acceptable relationship too.   
Did someone ever say, "the future is interesting"?  Even if it requires extensive hair transplants.

[LizK]

. It leaves me wondering "is it really necessary?" And my logical answer is  "no". And that is what I've been telling people I talk to who have asked.
   

Laurie thank you for your vote of confidence I appreciate it....In a book I read about a trans woman, she talks about going through her though process's over having surgery and in her book she reeled off a list of perfectly valid reasons as to why she should not have surgery each and every one of them logical enough but at end of it she finished off with those immortal words "Yeah...But I still want it

When people used to ask me I would always say I haven't actually decided but that is certainly not the goal so probably not. It not as if the idea of surgery is new to me  I do remember coming really close with a hunting knife, figuring they would have to let me be a girl ha ha , lucky for me my guardian angel was looking out for me. The surety I feel occurs every day when I have to deal with "it"....so it is not so much if but as to what? 

But the longer I go about my life the more certain I am that "It" has t o go...the bigger question is full or cosmetic?

[LizK]

First, in an effort to not be accused of derailing a perfectly informative thread; Congrats Liz in your dogged efforts to get your body in line with your heart. 

Now to how far we older girls are going to go.  It is true that we probably will never pass and then only with the clueless.  Gotta love them.  We also each get to find out comfort level.  While I am really just starting like Laurie with only cursory movement.  Not even on Hormones and no electrolysis (YET),  I have taken some small step to feminize myself as much as I can.   Long hair, shaving legs and other parts, wear feminine clothes daily etc etc etc.  I do know the steps I have taken I do not think I will ever stop.  I like it.  It makes me feel better.  It ain't hurting no one. 
I do at this point want to experience low dose E for awhile to see how that works.  I suspect it will be the same.  Wont want to stop. 
FFS seems intriguing.  i have seen some middle-aged girls results.  OMG.  I want what she has even if I am only 75% of them.  So I am with you Liz, FFS seems a possibility.  And to be honest, for the same reasons Laurie expressed, bottom surgery is not a wish expense.  But a qualified opinion as being, right now.
But like my beginning of liking what I have done and don't want to stop and want to move a bit further, I may as I evolve, I just may think differently.  My mild dysphoria may become stronger.  I may awaken an urge that has to be dealt with. Then i will change my mind and deal with that then.  And maybe I find an acceptable relationship too.   
Did someone ever say, "the future is interesting"?  Even if it requires extensive hair transplants.

Hi Julie.

This thread would actually need a direction in order to derail it...so don't worry about that

This is a process and for me the longer into it I am the more of my old stuff sloughs away...I have been on HRT about a year and I know my feeling haven't changed on anything I have just dropped all the bull>-bleeped-<...I like what I like...some things make me cry some make me angry and many many more things that I used to care about I just don't anymore.

I went to the Gold coast here in Australia for a nurses reunion...I had only been fulltime for a short while but I went anyway and by the time I got back I was a changed woman. I kept saying I wanted to pass...so what do I actually mean by that...in a world where I passed how would things be... I would get gendered correctly without question or hesitation, I wouldn't get stared at for being an oddity but I would get stared at because women get stare at each other, I would be treated with the same curtesy afforded other women, I would be included in with other women and women's spaces,  but automatically excluded from male conversation and places...so if all these things happened then I think I could say I passed?

Not only did it happen 90% of the time whilst I was away but since coming back I really cared even less what people do. I am addressed either neutrally or as Mam and just get on with what I have to do and most of the people are perfectly lovely to me...I met plenty of asses when presenting as a guy and there are no less of them now!!

Occasionally someone will give me a funny look or stare a bit longer and I have taken to smiling at these people and they either smile back or avert their eyes like they were being "naughty people"  seriously though...Once I really started to look at what was happening around me I noticed how very few people actually even realise I exist in their space.

So does that mean I pass?

I hope you get your wish of low dose HRT although I do recommend the full dose...what a ride 

Feel free to chime in or post a question anytime

Hugs
Liz

[davina61]

 Well I don't think I will pass ever but the full works YES for me that's the whole point.

[jentay1367]

Well I don't think I will pass ever but the full works YES for me that's the whole point.

Why don't you think you'll ever pass, Davina? You're not particularly tall if you're picture is accurate and have no overwhelmingly unixable masculine features, big beautiful eyes.... some weight loss and some rhinoplasty and you'd be rollin', girl!

[jentay1367]

No No No NO! .....but I have too it's like cutting off a limb....when "it" gets in your blood there is no stopping , is there Lisa 

Huh? Just saw this Liz. The drugs they've had me on have made me more obtuse than usual. Unfortunately, you're right. It's like smoking. Once you start, you can quit but your always a smoker. I picked up the motorcycling habit when I was 17................bout' a hundred years ago. Maybe someday I'll go back. But right now...I put it to bed, with lots of other stuff. I do feel for ya' girl. If you can afford to keep her, do it. But if your not riding her? She's just garage jewelry and there will be another machine waiting for Liz when the time is right. It's just a bike, you'll always be a motorcyclist. Good luck with whatever decision you make. Hope this missive finds you well!

[LizK]

Lisa's you are right...it is garage jewellery and the sad but true part is I will never ride again for the same reason I will never work again. I knew this was all coming, it was a matter of when not if! 

[LizK]

So Last week was one of those mixed weeks that you just want to put behind you but there were also some brilliant highlights

The Good

Found out I have about 10 hrs in the chair before I reach Maintenance mode with my Electrolysis

Confirmed my Hypnosis Appointment

Changed my Name with my Telco(one less to worry about)

I managed to locate my original Citizenship Certificate

The Not So Good

Got told whilst doing my name change "I am going to call you BXXXX because that is the name on the screen otherwise its too hard"

I had facial injections on Tuesday for Electrolysis

My Father went out of his way to use my old name as some kind of power trip...he does not realise but that was the last call I will ever make to him as long as he refuse to use my name and pronouns

MY Bank locked me out of my internet account because I have not accessed the account for 3 months

The Totally Fabulous

On Friday my wife and I were talking in circles and eventually agreed we would go out shopping for the day. This is the first time we will have been out together (other than to my daughters place)socially...we were both a little apprehensive...

Jeans, nice top and cardigan, sensible shoes, handbag and scarf...unable to wear any foundation due to Electrolysis I had to limit the make up to eyeliner and Lippy...So off we went...food shopping, browsing for clothes, makeup, jewellery, perfume(got a new one for myself). We left about 10:am and got back exhausted about 5:30. We had coffee and lunch and did a heap of shopping "chores" and thoroughly enjoyed each other company.

No hassles from anyone, referred to as ladies but interestingly quite neutrally as well "Hi Guys". My wife made the comment that I don't seem to draw the attention I used to and she didn't really notice any odd reactions to me like she did the last time we were in public(I don't remember). It was just a wonderful way to spend the day in the company of my beloved, having a bit of fun, plenty of laughs and just getting on with life.

[Shy]

Well I went straight to the 'totally fabulous'
Really lovely to hear you got to go out shopping with your wife, and had fun to boot. You realise that's going to be twice the hit on the credit card now when you girls head for the shoe store!
Only 10hrs electrocution left! That's pretty darn awesome to get the release date, soon it will all be a distant memory
Sorry to hear about your father, never say never though, a shot across the bow is might bring him to his senses. Social conditioning is a tough nut to crack, all you can do is be there if he ever needs you in the hope that he might soften. Families eh? Can't live with em, can't live without em.
Hope next week brings you lots of fun adventures in Liz land

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[jentay1367]

Hope lives! I know how important their acceptance is to you, Elizabeth.....so I wanted to share your joy and say congratulations!

[LizK]

Its been awhile since I updated my thread ...so here is a quick one

I am 3 weeks out from my Trip to Melbourne to see a surgeon. I am feeling pretty non-plussed about the whole thing. Not sure why...I thought I might be a bit more excited or wanting the answer to all these different questions but I have to say nothing springs to mind. I don't have a practical choice in surgeons so maybe that is why I feel the way I do. No matter, I will be there for the appointment at the appropriate time and we will take it from there.

I found out my regular Clinical Psychologist is WPATH/ANZPATH  accredited and is able to write one of my surgery letters and the guy I see now said he will write the other so long as I see him for the year of full time. March next year so only maybe another one or two appointments at the most. It means I don't have to go on a waiting list to see someone completely new to get my letters.

Continuing with Electrolysis  and have now completed something like 20+ sessions with facial injections. All the primary and secondary growth has been taken apart from a few on the edge of my lips. I have had 9 dental blocks since last year to work on my lips and have another 2 booked. The electrologist worked for 45 minutes to clear away some of the lighter hair this week with only a partial area with Emla cream on the cheek...this was so much easier to tolerate and I could managed pain pretty well. The next hour session is with a dental block(Tuesday) will be to try and finish the remainder that is left on my top lip. To be realistic I have a further one booked 4 weeks later to do the final finish off of my bottom lip and what ever has grown back on my top lip...in between we will be working on the fluff that is left on my cheeks and jawline.

I've been having brother hassles but nothing that won't sort itself out. You can't reason with stupid. 

I actually had a partial conversation that was almost civilised about Trans Women with my Father...I kept my cool despite being totally misgendered and explained to him again about the importance of pronouns. He seems to feel that because I won't pull him up on pronouns he is free to choose. 

Just got an invite to go out for coffee with the girls tomorrow at 11am with maybe lunch afterwards, sounds like fun to me so have accepted.

Anyway onwards and upwards as they say, off out to buy new bathroom fittings as were are renovating the bathroom...going to have to go up to a week without shower facilities depending on who we contract too. Could be up for a very smelly week LOL 

I Will be updating this a bit more over the next few months as the second half of my first year fulltime unfolds  and I move towards meeting the requirements for being able to have GRS...

[Laurie]

Hi Liz,

  Yes, you are correct, you have been remiss on keeping all of us up to date on what's going on.  Even so your update sounded oddly familiar, I will not go into why that may be though.
  It is a shame about the troubles with your father and your brother. I'm sorry for you even having to go through it as I know you have tried and tried to keep the channels open to them.
  At least you get to counter the disappointing events with good news regarding facial torture and your letters. YAY!

  As for your remodeling woes I cannot see why you are putting up such a stink over it, have your heard of sponge baths? They can keep the odoriferous offerings at bay if performed properly. I do hope it will not affect your other  sanitary necessities. If it does I hear a larger bucket will suffice for a while. No, No, you shouldn't try using the kitty litter tray. ewwwwwe

  Now, that coffee and lunch date sure sounds like a positive thing  Go for it lady.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[Jessica Lynne]

I feel for you,  Liz..  One of my long time dear friends still refers to me as "Dude".  He has no malice so I bite the inside of my cheek and move on.  So happy your moving along and meeting with your Surgeon.  I suspect it becomes anticlimactic and by the time you get there you wonder where's the oomph! went, but  that probably indicates you're actually ready.  I wish you  much good luck!

[Drexy/Drex]

Great stuff Liz 😊

[davina61]

Been missing your news, good job I got a new air freshener!!!!! Family grrr my wife is sort of ignoring my mum. Good news with the face torture , may it be over soon.