On being Liz

[LizK]

Today makes 2 full years of Transition and I have been on HRT for about 16 months.  I went and found the post I made on that day 2 years ago and you can read the full post here . I have included the last paragraph because it seems to me to most poignant part of the entire post. This is my mindset when I started this journey

.......
.......
.......
Not much else I can really say except

I am Transgender

I am a Transsexual woman

I am both these things and for the first time in my life I feel hope! It is not a feeling I have experienced in a long time and never when it comes to me personally. I want this from the deepest part of me. I have always known there is a woman in there and she is nearing her time to be out in the light. I hate being male and always have...and that ladies is my truth.

Sarah T

I have come a long way and shed many tears along the way. I went looking for a post at the one year mark and couldn't find anything significant other than this gem from the 22nd of September last year.

......I realised a few days ago and with a certain amount of pleasure, that I am not able to go topless any longer...the "Girls" have made themselves known. I am about 4 months HRT and I guess I have been borderline for the last few weeks. I just noticed how prominent they are with appropriate proportions and I can no longer go topless as it is obvious what I have ..

how about you?

did someone tell you or did you notice yourself?

Liz

So there are only a couple of things left for me to do now and one is talk about the last 12 months the other we will get to next.

The Last 12 Months

The last 12 months have been a mixed bag...I have lost my youngest brother to his own insecurities. I have my new name almost everywhere and will be putting into place the final bits and pieces to complete the name and gender change. I have cemented my own feeling on being trans and am living fulltime as my authentic self for the last 6+months.

I have developed some close friendships with the LBGTQI community which was a brand new experience for me. I remain a complete novice in regards to the entire community and am only involved on a minor level at this stage. As I have become more accepting of myself I have also begun to actively seek out like minded Trans friends to hang out with. I have met some wonderful people here at Susans and some of these IRL, others have taken much longer to develop. I am heading out on Friday night for diner and drinks (lemonade for me) with the girls. Twelve months ago the thought of being in public as myself was a real fear inducing activity, I certainly would not have entertained the idea that I could have gone out for diner with 4-5 other trans ladies, maybe as their chaperone in guy mode but never as Liz.

About February I reached a point where flip flopping between presentations was driving me crazy so I went full time and have not looked back. I am much happier in myself than I have ever been. I still get misgendered from time to time and misnamed. It hurts when it happens and I am not afraid to correct people if they mess up, I am a woman and calling me anything else but that is very insulting. That is not to say if you mess up because you have known me in another way all my life then that is Ok so long as you TRY to remember, I can hear the difference and see the difference in your eyes.

My level of self acceptance has grown along with my confidence since going full time. The anxieties I have are in the main, refection's of how society reacts to me and not about my internalised stuff. Currently here in Australia we have a vote over the legalising of same sex marriage, personally I find the public debate of mine and my fellow LGBTQI Australians human rights to be highly undignified and extremely difficult to deal with. I have never experienced anything like this in my life. I came from a background of being viewed as being a straight white male and over the last couple of years find myself as part of a tiny minority...quite a culture shock for me but I now have a first hand experience of what it is like to be treated as a minority. Something I had taken for granted I might add.

The last 2 years have bought a mixture of things into mine and my wifes life, some great and unexpected, amazing highs and so not so great lows. But what is happening is that the bad stuff is steadily being outweighed by the good stuff...The sweet pleasure of hearing your name, Looking in the mirror and seeing the physical changes, feeling the softness of your skin, appreciating the new sense of calm that reside where turmoil used to, experiencing the small pleasure of being a woman and lastly the feeling of being dysphoria Free which I now sometimes have.

The second thing I wanted to talk about was the future.

I have spent a long time struggling for self acceptance knowing that until I got to this point my life would be forever a constant battle if I didn't. But I have arrived...I now know what I need to do in order to dispel the last of my physical and mental dysphoria. I will be booking a date for surgery this week and expect it will be late next year before the operation is able to proceed so that by the end of 2018 I will be post op. I am toying with the idea of having the surgery on my Birthday next year...a birthday is a celebration of life and I find it curiously appropriate to have this surgery on that date.

If you have made it this far, thanks for being there with me,

I probably think the easiest way to sum up my progress is to show you

This was July 2015  about the time I was considering transition. This is the only picture of pre me I have posted



this is about a week ago after having my hair cut and coloured

[Drexy/Drex]

Congrats  Liz you have come. a long way..... 🎉🎆👏
You certainly look much happier 😊 and prettier 
Only 4mths until no topless.... I'm getting  nervous 😂

[Cindy]

Liz darling you have travelled far and travelled well.

I said once to you at Venue 63 during your early days that I could see the happiness in your eyes while the first time I met you they were dead.

The pictures tell the story. A dead man walking goes to a happy vibrant woman.

You rock Girl

[LizK]

GULP BIG DEEP Breaths!!!!....

My first session of genital laser this morning and I am sweating bricks...I am somewhat apprehensive you could say...

But as the English saying goes just..."Lie back and think of England"

Maybe lie back and think of Aussie would be closer....Good thing is it will be quick. I can't find an Electrologist in Adelaide that does genital stuff but still looking...that I don't even want to think about. LOL

[LizK]

Back again...whole thing took about 10 minutes, at its very worst it felt a bit like a pubic hair getting caught in a zipper...but most of it was easy for me to tolerate. After the first couple of zaps I realised very quickly it was going to be quite tolerable. So we worked out a schedule and we are going to every 4 weeks for 4 sessions and then start spreading them out.

It usually takes about 6 sessions, but since I am having this done as surgery prep then they will do a few more.

[Laurie]

  Dog gone it Liz I was hoping to hear you needed dental blocks or something. Perhaps the ol' square needle in the left nut kind of thing. Party pooper.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[LizK]

"Mr Limpy/Clyde" was not happy

[Laurie]

 '' You need to  set that date so Mr LImpy/ Clyde  know when he  will go away. Make sort of a dooms day clock for him.

[LizK]

Interesting experience on Thursday, I attended a Hypnotherapy session and before any of you lunatics suggest I was running around barking and howling at the moon...not that kind of Hypnotherapy 

My goal was to see if I could find a way to "self hypnotise" so that when I am having any one of several painful procedure's (Electrolysis springs to mind) I may find some better way of dealing with he discomfort other than using creams, injections and pills.

The session was scheduled to run for 90 minutes and during it we discussed what kind of outcome I was looking for. She then Hypnotised me and recorded the session as an MP3 for me to use later at home to practice my self hypnosis. When I see her next we are going to do one to specifically for electrolysis.

It was such a relaxing experience and I was really surprised at how quickly time had flown, I really did mange to change the sensation I was feeling in a particular part of my body and with practice I have no doubt that I will be able to get some benefit...its going to be a matter of practice makes perfect...I will try it out partially, at Tuesdays session.

More updates to follow

[Michelle_P]

Excellent, Liz!  Hypnotherapy is a great idea.  The mental state from self-hypnosis is very similar to the one reached through mindful meditation, a sort of detachment from the physical sensations that definitely makes electrolysis much easier.  This is how I've gotten through my Monday marathons (two 2 hour sessions of electrolysis).  I'm down to just one session of 2 hours a week now, fortunately.

[LizK]

Excellent, Liz!  Hypnotherapy is a great idea.  The mental state from self-hypnosis is very similar to the one reached through mindful meditation, a sort of detachment from the physical sensations that definitely makes electrolysis much easier.  This is how I've gotten through my Monday marathons (two 2 hour sessions of electrolysis).  I'm down to just one session of 2 hours a week now, fortunately.

To be honest Michelle you talking about mindfulness is in part what got me started on the Hypnotism. I thought there are many who are able to do this kind of thing for all sorts of stuff. I have a session next week where we are going to do one designed specifically for Electrolysis. I said her I felt a bit conditioned by the machine beep followed by the sting. I have managed to obtain a sense of detachment and even managed to change the sensation in my hand.

I am impressed so far...will keep updating...I am still doing an hour a week in the chair but that is becoming more and more difficult to maintain...I suspect we are nearly at two week intervals and are on the really light stuff now...with no more heavy gauge hair left...its all very light close to villous but not quite. Under 10 hrs is her best guess but my top lip has been hanging in there for far longer than either of us thought possible considering how well the rest responded

[HappyMoni]

   My first thought was Liz is gonna hypnotize her way through GCS. What a brave woman!  I then noticed the reference to Clyde and thought, "What manner of crazy thread is this? I must be in the Australian Twilight Zone." "A place between day and night! You have entered the Twilight Zone, Mate." We miss you Rod! Agh, Rod Serling, that is!
    If I had to choose between electrolysis in the lower area and the upper lip, I would not pick the lip. Maybe I can visualize doing the lower area when I go back to have my lip done. (Not making fun of the hypnosis, it is a cool idea.)
Moni

[LizK]

   My first thought was Liz is gonna hypnotize her way through GCS. What a brave woman!  I then noticed the reference to Clyde and thought, "What manner of crazy thread is this? I must be in the Australian Twilight Zone." "A place between day and night! You have entered the Twilight Zone, Mate." We miss you Rod! Agh, Rod Serling, that is!
    If I had to choose between electrolysis in the lower area and the upper lip, I would not pick the lip. Maybe I can visualize doing the lower area when I go back to have my lip done. (Not making fun of the hypnosis, it is a cool idea.)
Moni

It a weird thing my Hypnotist(clinical Psychologist) was telling me about attending a session where they performed surgery and used Hypnosis instead of knocking the patient out....not me...no way...I have managed to get myself into quite a detached state last night along with getting the sensation in my hand to change...but as far as GCS...No, No, No, No....No, I want the good stuff...the see you in the morning...out cold....a WMD would not wake me....good night sister...stuff. I want to know nothing!!!!!

I have been thinking about what you said Moni and I can't really steal the term Mr Limpy (from Michelle...I did see a ransom note for him somewhere I am sure) and Clyde (well who knows what happened to that poor gentle soul...something about him now being useful and something about a purse) So I have decided in honour of the other useless appendage I removed from my life last month, I am going to be referring to it/him as Richard...I would use the shorter nickname for Richard but since this is a family show I will leave it to those who know, to fill in the blanks.

I am just waiting till the workmen leave my house so I can make some phone calls to confirm dates and costs and times etc...I have tried twice and each time as I have just dialled the jackhammer would start again or the tile remover or the industrial vacuum......I give up maybe in a few hours.

[LizK]

Well what an eventful few days

Had an really unusual encounter with my new HRT Dr which left a really bad taste in my mouth and has me looking for yet another Dr. I had some blood test done a week ago last Monday and by Thursday had not heard a resuilt. I emailed the Dr's rooms on Thursday morning letting them know which labs I had used for my test and that I would be around all day should someone need to call. By Friday evening(just before the long weekend) I called the Dr's office as I had still not had a response or even an acknowledgement of my email,to be told the Dr was away today and back on Tuesday. No worries will talk to her when she gets back.

Tuesday afternoon at 3:30 I finally get an email in response to Thursday's email saying the Dr was away today and back on Wednesday. I replied that I was disappointed it had taken so long to respond to my email.  I then received a call from the receptionist that since  my need  was "Urgent" that I speak to the Dr, she had called her and she had just landed in Adelaide, she had been away all week at a conference and she would call me in a couple of hours. I told the receptionist that, this was not necessary as I didn't feel it was urgent and  the Dr can call me during normal business hours. I was very clear about this.

2 hours later I get what can only be described as a somewhat "rude" call from the Dr wanting to know what was so urgent...I again explained what I had said to the receptionist nothing was urgent. Anyway the discussion went on and it was clear she was annoyed. She said to me about how "she has this problem with all of DR X's patients because their levels were so high" that for me, this current level, was the new normal and to get used to it...(I cannot go on indefinitely  feeling the way I do at the moment)  and that if my GD was increasing then maybe I need to see a Psych...but in the next breath suggested she "might" prescribe a tiny dose of Progynova to "tide me over" until the level (now 287pg/ml) gets lower(150 or below). Total contradiction in what she has just said..."if I need HRT to feel better then go get some psych help but here is a small dose of progynova to help you feel better" HUH?

She wants my levels to be around 150 before putting in another pellet which for some reason she seemed quite adverse to. She wants me on patches and gave me a huge lecture about how good they were...despite already having that conversation with her about the glue from patches having an adverse reaction on my skin...she behaved like this was some kind of excuse to not use patches....it was disappointing to be spoken down to in this way. So I have an appointment in another 2 1/2 weeks to see her. By this time my levels will be well below 150  and at the rate they are falling, they are already going to around the 230 mark as of today because they are dropping at twice the rate over the last 4 weeks than they were over the previous 12. She does not want a blood test prior to my next appointment to confirm my levels. Go figure?...She come highly recommended and is supposed to be good at what she does  having also worked with my surgeon so I have good reason to want to stay with her. I don't care about the numbers particularly I care about how I feel and the results I get. When I told her I had stopped using the T cream as I didn't like how I felt using it she threatened to stop treating me because of non compliance. I was astounded...I had stopped using the T cream  at the same time I got the blood test...prior to that I was using it as directed...very heavy handed tactics

However I am not going to see a Dr that I have to continually battle to get a reasonable level of HRT to a point where I feel like a human...I understand she is conservative but her call was just down right rude, unprofessional and made no sense to me.

She did however reduce me to tears and during the last part of the conversation I said nothing as she went off half cocked talking about my other medical condition which she clearly knows NOTHING about. In the end she said that she was not sure what was happening(I wasn't responding to her tirade) and that she could not see the non verbal ques from me so wasn't sure how I was reacting.... I said I would make an appointment to see her. I was astonished at her reaction. I have seen her once, she doesn't know me from a bar of soap...but she made a hell of a lot of assumptions.
I made a post yesterday about this but was so upset I took it down again...

I am going to get an appointment with an Endocrinologist as a backup because I would not accept that behaviour from any of my other Dr's. I am willing to accept that she was not on her best form (having returned from being away for a week) but unless she is willing to give me some kind of HRT treatment at my next appointment then there is no point in seeing her. Hell I may as well go back to my old one at least I felt far better under her care than I do at the moment with the only issue being low T which can be fixed.

So to top all this off we are having our bathroom renovated and we find out yesterday after the workmen have left that the tiles have been put on vertically instead of horizontally(which was called for in the plan). Called the guy and he came out, apologised and then told us he want $1000 to fix his mistake(he had already accepted responsibility) he left after a somewhat unpleasant discussion.

We agreed we would accept the tiles the wrong way round, for practical reasons only...we don't have another bathroom and need this one finished...a protracted row over this is not going to help, he is a small family business...this could go on for months  but I said when he left after the discussion over the tiles that if there were other issues we would have a huge problem.

Both Meryl and I were understandably upset by this and just before we went to bed Meryl calls be back into the bathroom to discover the area they have prepped for the new shower was exactly the same size as the old one. The only reason to remove the bath was to extend the shower which was the main goal of the bathroom renovation..a bigger shower!!!...how do we know?...there is an electrical point right in the middle of where the new shower screen should sit. He will be here in about an hour or so and I will have it out with him then over yet another basic careless mistake. 

When he gets here today he will be told to ensure this issue is sorted at no cost to us or he can pack his stuff up and go...we will then find someone else to finish the Job...... what a heck of a  few days......

[davina61]

receptionists and builders, you have your work cut out (any receptionists and builders reading this don't take it personally) Hope you get things sorted soon.

[Cindy]

I'd love to know if this horrible abrasive manner from the endo is a common occurrence!

That is just plain disgusting.

[HappyMoni]

Well what an eventful few days

Had an really unusual encounter with my new HRT Dr which left a really bad taste in my mouth and has me looking for yet another Dr. I had some blood test done a week ago last Monday and by Thursday had not heard a resuilt. I emailed the Dr's rooms on Thursday morning letting them know which labs I had used for my test and that I would be around all day should someone need to call. By Friday evening(just before the long weekend) I called the Dr's office as I had still not had a response or even an acknowledgement of my email,to be told the Dr was away today and back on Tuesday. No worries will talk to her when she gets back.

Tuesday afternoon at 3:30 I finally get an email in response to Thursday's email saying the Dr was away today and back on Wednesday. I replied that I was disappointed it had taken so long to respond to my email.  I then received a call from the receptionist that since  my need  was "Urgent" that I speak to the Dr, she had called her and she had just landed in Adelaide, she had been away all week at a conference and she would call me in a couple of hours. I told the receptionist that, this was not necessary as I didn't feel it was urgent and  the Dr can call me during normal business hours. I was very clear about this.

2 hours later I get what can only be described as a somewhat "rude" call from the Dr wanting to know what was so urgent...I again explained what I had said to the receptionist nothing was urgent. Anyway the discussion went on and it was clear she was annoyed. She said to me about how "she has this problem with all of DR X's patients because their levels were so high" that for me, this current level, was the new normal and to get used to it...(I cannot go on indefinitely  feeling the way I do at the moment)  and that if my GD was increasing then maybe I need to see a Psych...but in the next breath suggested she "might" prescribe a tiny dose of Progynova to "tide me over" until the level (now 287pg/ml) gets lower(150 or below). Total contradiction in what she has just said..."if I need HRT to feel better then go get some psych help but here is a small dose of progynova to help you feel better" HUH?

She wants my levels to be around 150 before putting in another pellet which for some reason she seemed quite adverse to. She wants me on patches and gave me a huge lecture about how good they were...despite already having that conversation with her about the glue from patches having an adverse reaction on my skin...she behaved like this was some kind of excuse to not use patches....it was disappointing to be spoken down to in this way. So I have an appointment in another 2 1/2 weeks to see her. By this time my levels will be well below 150  and at the rate they are falling, they are already going to around the 230 mark as of today because they are dropping at twice the rate over the last 4 weeks than they were over the previous 12. She does not want a blood test prior to my next appointment to confirm my levels. Go figure?...She come highly recommended and is supposed to be good at what she does  having also worked with my surgeon so I have good reason to want to stay with her. I don't care about the numbers particularly I care about how I feel and the results I get. When I told her I had stopped using the T cream as I didn't like how I felt using it she threatened to stop treating me because of non compliance. I was astounded...I had stopped using the T cream  at the same time I got the blood test...prior to that I was using it as directed...very heavy handed tactics

However I am not going to see a Dr that I have to continually battle to get a reasonable level of HRT to a point where I feel like a human...I understand she is conservative but her call was just down right rude, unprofessional and made no sense to me.

She did however reduce me to tears and during the last part of the conversation I said nothing as she went off half cocked talking about my other medical condition which she clearly knows NOTHING about. In the end she said that she was not sure what was happening(I wasn't responding to her tirade) and that she could not see the non verbal ques from me so wasn't sure how I was reacting.... I said I would make an appointment to see her. I was astonished at her reaction. I have seen her once, she doesn't know me from a bar of soap...but she made a hell of a lot of assumptions.
I made a post yesterday about this but was so upset I took it down again...

I am going to get an appointment with an Endocrinologist as a backup because I would not accept that behaviour from any of my other Dr's. I am willing to accept that she was not on her best form (having returned from being away for a week) but unless she is willing to give me some kind of HRT treatment at my next appointment then there is no point in seeing her. Hell I may as well go back to my old one at least I felt far better under her care than I do at the moment with the only issue being low T which can be fixed.

So to top all this off we are having our bathroom renovated and we find out yesterday after the workmen have left that the tiles have been put on vertically instead of horizontally(which was called for in the plan). Called the guy and he came out, apologised and then told us he want $1000 to fix his mistake(he had already accepted responsibility) he left after a somewhat unpleasant discussion.

We agreed we would accept the tiles the wrong way round, for practical reasons only...we don't have another bathroom and need this one finished...a protracted row over this is not going to help, he is a small family business...this could go on for months  but I said when he left after the discussion over the tiles that if there were other issues we would have a huge problem.

Both Meryl and I were understandably upset by this and just before we went to bed Meryl calls be back into the bathroom to discover the area they have prepped for the new shower was exactly the same size as the old one. The only reason to remove the bath was to extend the shower which was the main goal of the bathroom renovation..a bigger shower!!!...how do we know?...there is an electrical point right in the middle of where the new shower screen should sit. He will be here in about an hour or so and I will have it out with him then over yet another basic careless mistake. 

When he gets here today he will be told to ensure this issue is sorted at no cost to us or he can pack his stuff up and go...we will then find someone else to finish the Job...... what a heck of a  few days......

Liz,

  The HRT doc has a good point. You do need to find a Psych (Shrink) and then introduce  that person to the HRT doc to fix her. While they are at it, let them have a go at your fool bathroom contractor. Oh my, you have been through it, huh? So sorry for this aggravation. Keep your chin up Sweetie.
Moni
My regards to Richard. (by nickname you don't mean little Ricky, do you Lucy? Oh how bout Ricky Ricardo? Bah Bah Lou!)

[LizK]

receptionists and builders, you have your work cut out (any receptionists and builders reading this don't take it personally) Hope you get things sorted soon.

He arrived and tried to apologise again and I asked that we not go over this again but to check the measurements of the shower...he did and has since made some "Adjustments to the size"...he understands that we are not happy but I have also told him to move on...we have...he should to and just worry about  finishing the job.

[LizK]

I'd love to know if this horrible abrasive manner from the endo is a common occurrence!

That is just plain disgusting.

I have a suspicion that one of the receptionists picked up my message late on the Tuesday as it had got missed and instead of owning up to not responding to me she has covered her backside by painting me out to have caused a huge issue, which in turn makes the Dr think I am being over the top and demanding, so my opening comment to her that I appreciated the call but there was no urgency to it and that I thought I had made that clear was ignored.  It does not however excuse the rest of it...lets put that down to a busy week and being set up my the receptionist?? I will give her the benefit of Doubt.

[Laurie]

With what you've related and  the upset it caused you, I would be more inclined to doubt the benefit myself.