On being Liz

[LizK]

Received a call this morning(which I missed) and a message from my father that my Aunt had passed last night in her sleep. I was so sad to hear this but happy that she was not in prolonged distress and passed peacefully in end.

I am a little numb at the moment but like all things this will pass and life will move on...so will I, but she will always have a very special place in my heart.

[Laurie]

  My heart felt condolences Liz. I know  how much you wanted to see her. I too believe it was probably a blessing for her to pass so soon and in her sleep instead of a prolonged wait like we endured with my mother. It was horrible that none should have to endure. Better it be over quick and they be in peace is my personal opinion. I do wish you had had your chance to visit one more time. Again I am sorry for your loss Liz.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[LizK]

Life lessons

Over the last week or so I have been dealing with a number of issues of loss due which threw me into a complete funk... returning me to all my previously resolved doubts for consideration with a few new ones thrown in for good measure, adding to that an unhealthy dose of Dysphoria and we are talking about an event of which I am sure many of you have experienced yourselves or something similar.

Eventually you must keep going and do the basics like shopping and paying bills. The world does not stop because I am having a meltdown.

Off I went to the shops, jeans and a top, my hair up no makeup....I filled the car up with petrol and braced myself for the usual "looks or othering" but received a warm greeting from the 50+ year old man behind the counter who was really nice. I still wasn't convinced there was going to be some kind of "issue"....and sure enough here it comes as I enter the supermarket I encounter a woman about my own age getting a trolley...she turns to me and smiles warmly, I am shocked and smile back, that is the start of it...Everyone I encountered from that point forward was absolutely lovely to me, very friendly and very warm. From the checkout guy to the woman at the post office.

When I eventually got back to the car and sat down, I found myself smiling and for the first time in a week, I was actually happy. In that moment and for the next little while I was happy

I think sometimes we spend so much time inside our own heads we forget that the real world is not always a bad place even though it sometimes feels that way.

[Laurie]

  Hi Liz,

  We can all use a good day or two every so often. If they can make you smile and be happy for a little while than it is all that much better. I know this time has been rough for you.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Michelle_P]

I'm glad you had a good day.  It can be such a confidence booster, as well as affirmation that you are, well, YOU!

Sometimes our heads can be the worst possible place to be spending time.  That's where all the self doubt lives, and dwelling on it pumps it up larger than life.  I'd prefer to be out, and be myself.

[Shy]

Glad to here you're getting such positive reactions. I'm still not used to people opening doors for me and the amount of times someone has stopped their car to let me cross the road is crazy. That never happened to me before.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Drexy/Drex]

Nice to hear of your pleasant experience, the silver  lining in the storm clouds

[Laurie]

Hi folks,

  I thought I'd drop in here and assure you that Liz has been found and is pretty much okay. No physical injuries as far as I could see. She may be a little preoccupied but no more than any of us get when reflecting on our issues. No hysteria or other mental disorders that would require incarceration and there was no restraints that I could see. In fact she moved around quite freely. Her so did bring her something she said was coffee but I could not see if there were any medications either. She did appear a little more sedated a bit later so there could have been...
   I video chatted with her quite some time and she appeared to be mostly coherent. There were a few times where she implied that I was the one the had "issues". So there is some reason for concern with her projecting her issues onto others. Still I feel there may be hope for her yet. It may be only a fleeting chance though. I only hope see gets the help she so desperately needs in time.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

P.S. I hope you all have figured out the above is complete and utter nonsense from my twisted mind. I did  video with her last night and she is doing okay. Just taking a little break.
   ljw

[LizK]

Well well...I guess after reading Laurie's response I feel compelled to say something which I am sure many will "get"   and I know for sure Laurie will understand

POT!!! or KETTLE!! if you prefer!... I think Laurie is more of a Kettle girl 

I have had a heap of things going on in my life and one of the things that I was struggling with was my upcoming GRS and feeling a little isolated. Its such a private thing and I feel uncomfortable asking despite several people telling me to ask anyway....I had someone reach out to me last week and help me to see my surgery in a different light...this lead to thinking about other things in my current life. Overall I feel better about it than I ever have and I have clarity that I never knew before...Thankyou!

All this thinking lead me back to a question that, despite how good my reasons may be for having GRS there is no point in having it if I am still going to continue to hate and mistreat myself. It seems a bit pointless to go through all that is involved in this surgery if I don't start loving myself...sounds pretty simple doesn't it...sure it does...now just got to work out how to actually do that!!

[Laurie]

Oh Nooooo, It's contagious! Stay back folks... Really I didn't know I was contagious. Now Liz has it so stand back a little. We don't want an epidemic now do we?

Well if I'm a kettle girl she's a pot head.

Love ya Liz

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Jayne01]

SLAP!!!!

Liz, do I need to shake you as well? You live much closer to me than Laurie, so it wouldn't be outrageous for me to come and shake you. What is this about hating and mistreating yourself. Practice what you preach young lady!

You and Laurie keep giving each other such good advice and then when it come to yourselves, it's like a fuse has blown.

Disclaimer: I just got into your thread so I have not yet caught up. I have only read your latest post, so if I got it out of context, I apologise.

Jayne

[Laurie]

Nope Jayne, You got the idea.. smack her again.

[Mariah]

Sometimes it really just takes the assistance of someone to help you sort through things and see things in different way than you were used to seeing them. I'm glad they were able to help you. I am so glad to hear your feeling better than you ever have about it and wish you luck with your upcoming surgery. You start loving yourself by taking baby steps and facing those things that cause you to not love yourself in the first place. Tackle one thing at a time unless necessary to do more at a time. Those baby steps will help you love yourself and heal yourself in the long run. Give yourself something to look forward to and enjoy that will help motivate you to move forward to. We all have a lot of baggage coming in and that takes time to work through. Some of which may not get worked through until after surgery. Be kind to yourself and love yourself by working towards dealing with those things that cause you to not love yourself. Hugs
Mariah

Well well...I guess after reading Laurie's response I feel compelled to say something which I am sure many will "get"   and I know for sure Laurie will understand

POT!!! or KETTLE!! if you prefer!... I think Laurie is more of a Kettle girl 

I have had a heap of things going on in my life and one of the things that I was struggling with was my upcoming GRS and feeling a little isolated. Its such a private thing and I feel uncomfortable asking despite several people telling me to ask anyway....I had someone reach out to me last week and help me to see my surgery in a different light...this lead to thinking about other things in my current life. Overall I feel better about it than I ever have and I have clarity that I never knew before...Thankyou!

All this thinking lead me back to a question that, despite how good my reasons may be for having GRS there is no point in having it if I am still going to continue to hate and mistreat myself. It seems a bit pointless to go through all that is involved in this surgery if I don't start loving myself...sounds pretty simple doesn't it...sure it does...now just got to work out how to actually do that!!

[BeverlyAnn]

So after reading a statement the other day from some flat-earthers, I find out that Australia doesn't even exist.  It's actually a creation of England and other countries to make people think the earth is round.  Airlines fly you to islands off the coast of South America and everyone you know from Oz is a paid actor.  Devlyn and I have decided we should have already known this because of the trick animals that hop, trick food like Vegimite, trick little toy teddy bears stuck in trees.  Liz has admitted to me the big reef thingy is a blow up toy and Cindy is not sure if she is real or CG.  So "On being Liz" takes on a whole new meaning.   

Liz, hope this made you laugh, my friend.  Love ya. 

[Jayne01]

Hi Liz,

I finally caught myself up on your thread. It took me several days. I'm sorry for all the stress you have been feeling. It's great you now have a date for GCS later in the year. I can only try to imagine how it must feel for you to have an actual date for something you have wanted for so long. I may need to ask you some questions later, if I find that I need to take that route. There doesn't seem to be many GCS surgeons in Australia.

Your most recent posts sounded like some doubts are creeping into your mind and something about not liking yourself. I seem to have missed something as I was reading through your thread. I thought everything was going great. I do hope that you have found a way to work through this down time.

Looking forward to following your story.

Jayne

[Shy]

Well well...I guess after reading Laurie's response I feel compelled to say something which I am sure many will "get"   and I know for sure Laurie will understand

POT!!! or KETTLE!! if you prefer!... I think Laurie is more of a Kettle girl 

I have had a heap of things going on in my life and one of the things that I was struggling with was my upcoming GRS and feeling a little isolated. Its such a private thing and I feel uncomfortable asking despite several people telling me to ask anyway....I had someone reach out to me last week and help me to see my surgery in a different light...this lead to thinking about other things in my current life. Overall I feel better about it than I ever have and I have clarity that I never knew before...Thankyou!

All this thinking lead me back to a question that, despite how good my reasons may be for having GRS there is no point in having it if I am still going to continue to hate and mistreat myself. It seems a bit pointless to go through all that is involved in this surgery if I don't start loving myself...sounds pretty simple doesn't it...sure it does...now just got to work out how to actually do that!!

You'll figure it out Liz, I have no doubt about that. I'm way off having GRS, but I do get the same kind of thoughts rattling around. If I didn't I'd be worried.
Some things we have to work through for ourselves, it can seem like a lonely, confusing place for sure. That doesn't mean you have to be alone, we are here if you need us. Take your time Liz, hugs from the other side of the planet

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[LizK]

Well it would seem that 2018 is going to be a year of people dying for me, maybe we have got it all out of the road early. My Mother in law died yesterday evening after being unconscious since last Tuesday. Meryl and I have been together 35 years so I knew her pretty closely. She didn't know I was trans and after the horror show that is my own parents we didn't want to take any chances. She lived in a small country town about a 3 1/2 hour drive away. Trans women are a rarity. I have been here at home looking after the dog whilst my wife and daughters attended to their mother/grandmother.

The funeral is next week some time and we will all attend. I am really concerned that my sister in law (who doesn't like me, didn't before I came out) will create a scene when she sees me. She suffered depression and the treatment they gave her left her affected and sometimes she can be inappropriate without realising it at the time.  She started yelling and screaming at my wife as she sat with her dying mother 3 days ago.....extremely inappropriate and incredibly distressing for Meryl.

She should know I am trans although I haven't seen her for 5 years. I would not put it beyond her to create some kind of scene at the funeral service. There is no way that I am going to miss it but I dread what she could do. I will attend the graveside ceremony but not the "cake and tea" afterwards...suits me perfectly.

So within a few weeks I have lost two people I hold very dear to me...I hope like crazy that this is the end of the deaths this year. 

[Jessica]

I'm sorry for your losses Liz.  I hope there is no drama with your sister in law.
If there is, turn the other cheek. 

Hugs, Jess

[Jessica Lynne]

I wish I had some easy answer for you, Elizabeth. I don't, but my heart is with you and I know whatever you choose to do will probably result in the best case scenario. Good luck and I hope negative heartbreaking crap quits visiting you.

[Jayne01]

Liz, I am sorry for your recent losses. I hope there are no inappropriate scenes at the funeral.

Jayne