On being Liz

[Michelle_P]

For whatever it's worth, I had genital electrolysis done, and found it much easier than things like the upper or lower lip.  There was less pain, and I was also able to freely converse with my electrolyst, which definitely helped with distraction and passing the time.   I used EMLA cream and multiple pieces of plastic wrap to form occlusive bandages.  We uncovered just the area to be worked on next, and let the EMLA keep things numb on regions we hadn't gotten to yet.

As on the face, the newly awakening follicles can be zapped with less current than a mature follicle, so subsequent clearings that we did every 3 weeks after the initial clearing went more easily.

[LizK]

Unfortunately Michelle I cannot get electrolysis, There is no one in Adelaide that I can find that actually does it. I have been asking around for awhile and there is another woman I know also looking for one. I spoke to my surgeon and he will do a follicle scrape as part of the procedure but I am still looking for someone.

That is very encouraging to know that it is not like the upper lip...ouch!! I can easily mange other area's on my face with Emla so I think I should be Okay. You can really see the difference in the area's done by laser and those that haven't.

Thanks so much I appreciate the help.

Hugs

Liz 

[LizK]

Way to go Liz ....darn right ...burn dont fade
😉😊

Good for you Liz I bet you were thrilled to finally get the official gender stamp.

Ouch, the idea of genital zapping scares me silly, not the part of the process i'm looking forward too. You however seem to be taking it all in your stride so I'll take courage from that.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Thanks Sadie yes there is the occasional flinch but it is all over in about 6 minutes...it doe sting a bit in places but only briefly...As far as the electrolysis goes that could still be ahead of me. Its just another part of the journey.

Hugs Liz

They showed a bit of genital clearing on the Transformation Street program,  now I know they stick a needle in the root defo not looking forward to it. There's a lot of positiveness around here so suck some up or is that soak? in it .

I prefer to soak in the positivity...I have heard good things about it...what do you think?
hugs
Liz

[LizK]

When I opened up my thread I got the notice it is over 30 days since I made a post in it...in fact its more like 60 days since I have made a post. 

So whats been happening in my world? I feel like I have been living an episode of days of our lives with all the Drama that's been going on. It was a rocky start to 2018 due to three deaths of special people in either mine or my wife's life including the death of her mother. That took a huge toll on her. I have had my hands full busy supporting her as well as dealing with my own stuff.

My wife is finally getting to a place where things are better for her and she is feeling a bit better. She misses her Mum terribly as any of you who have lost parents will know. Time is always the best healer.

For me the ever increasing precarious relationship between my parents and myself finally came to a head about 3 weeks ago. I had basically avoided a skype session with them since Nov last year and when my father asked I did not refuse him. Unfortunately what ensued was a culmination of 3 years of tension. He let his gaurd down as he had spoken to my brother whom I had the falling out with last year and he had deceided that I was to blame without all of the facts. After nearly an hour and half talking including him hanging up on me we were left with very little to say to each other. He was shocked to find out some of things he had been told by my brother were simply not true and fabricated by him. I found out in part, how he really felt about Trans people which was not pleasant to hear, I also yelled at him for the first time since I was a teenager.

The yelling was after he had a 5 minute monologue describing conversations he had about me and all the time using my old name and male pronouns...I couldn't take it any longer and after 5 minutes of saying nothing I yelled at him to stop! and he just looked at me and said "What's wrong" i just shook my head and burst into tears. My mother was of course absent. He showed me a side of himself that I had never seen before and it was not nice. He was angry with me over the falling out I had with my brother ((when he went and "liked" a number of specifically transphobic posts on face book and I called him out on it.) My father was at great pains to tell me he couldn't see anything wrong with the posts and showing me his feelings about trans people and also telling me things like "these bloody minoritties" should pull their heads in....just one of several commnets

My wayward brother contacted me for the first time yesterday indicating that my father had put him up to it and wants to meet and discuss the situation...I have to say I am not sure what will be gained by it but have agreed to meet him. His email was really passive agressive in tone and he set out a few time where he could "fit me in". I have not replied to him as yet as I really don't want to. The more I think about it the less I want to have any contact....he is doing it because he has been asked too. I doubt his views will have changed any and I have worked through the pain his leaving my life caused so am really reluectant to have him back if he feels the same way as he did. I have written a reply saying I will meet him next week but cannot bring myself to send it.

On a more postive note a few good things happened including......

I don't owe the surgery killing $20,000 to the tax department they were trying to come after me for due to their mistake but as I am so practiced at jumping through hoops I managed to navigate their hoops to have it reduced to $900 so far.

I got to spend a a really pleasasnt few hours with Cindy not long ago which was certainly the highlight of what can only be described asn a forgetable month.

I got to catch up on my gaming which I found surprisingly helpful when at my lowest points over the last 60 days.

I stopped Electrolysis mainly to be able to assess where I am at and with out shaving for well over a month I still could not see anything on my face with out looking into a super magnifying mirror and apart from the odd hair the majority of it is velus and not likely to be removed anyway. I may need to get some growing back but with so very few it seems easier to pluck them out. It hard to know how many but a few minute gets rid of them all.

I am now finally feeling human again and haven't cried now for a good few days...which is signifacant because up until a week or so ago it was at least a daily occurance. Maybe its because now I know where I really stand with my family for the first time in my life.

9 Months till surgery...I have to keep pinching myself that this is actually going to happen. I am not nearly as concerned as I was about how I am feeling as I know realise many others have felt the same...we all seem to have concerns about similar things. A special thanks to the ladies who have reached out to me, helping me to see what I already knew.

I have had my break and I am sure I have more drama's arriving ointo my life again soon but for now things are going Okay. Hopefully I will be able to spend a bit more time on the board and chatting to my many friends.

Hugs

Liz

[davina61]

BIG hugs love , life can be a sh*t cant it. All we can do is put on our brave face and battle through towards the good times and there will be very good times ahead .People can be such dicks. Cheer your self up and follow Lauries lorry!!!!  makes me smilethat will teach me to mess with the font size was only ment to be a big hug

[KathyLauren]

Oh, Liz!  I am so sorry to hear about the ongoing rejection from your family.  I wish you strength for the meeting with your brother, but don't be afraid to walk out if the situation calls for it.

I am glad you are starting to feel better.  Here's a virtual hug: ((((((Liz))))))

[Drexy/Drex]

Wow what a roller coaster....but congrats on the electo results 😊

[Laurie]

Hi Ms Liz,

  It is good to see a new post from you. You left something out in your update.  The part where even with all your own family drama going on you still managed to find some time to help me with mine.
  Thank you for being a friend.

Hugs (((HUG)))
   Laurie

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

[LizK]

Thank you ladies for the support I really need it at the moment and appreciate each of you taking the time to respond to my list of woes.

I will be making sure there is more time to spend here again following along with everyone's journeys.

Today I have been busy doing housework and have finally finished so am now able to spend some time doing the things I like to do most. Chatting with you all.

Whilst out on a walk today I realised that part of what has been going on with me is down to not acknowledging that i still have a fairly high level of Dysphoria. I was out walking the dog earlier this morning and found myself playing mental gymnastics over how I was feeling about myself. I think I have been trying to convince myself that my social transition has taken care of the majority of my Dysphoria, when iif I am honest about it I still have real distress with my body configuration. As my transition progresses and my appearance has slowly changed it has softened however the perception I have of myself has not. I do see "her" in the mirror from time to time but certainly not as much as I would like.

That lead me to ask why...I think its maybe that I still don't love myself and have constant thoughts about not being authentic....with the revelations recently that a number of those whom I thought of as allies don't actually see me as much more than a "man in a dress" and that they are humouring me by using my chosen name and pronouns. This revelation was very disheartening after all this time...I genuinely thought I was making progress with them. This fuels  my insecurities about embracing my "femaleness" and tearing down the barricades.

I keep moving forward and trying to improve my appearance and how I am perceived however I am having great difficulties with this idea that I will never be able to completely blend in so remain vulnerable to psychological and physical attacks because I am so obviously Trans. Yes people are usually lovely with me when in public but that is not the same as acceptance...I consider it more likes tolerance.

Climbing down off my soapbox now  and will get on and see how everyone else's day is going.

[Shy]

Stumbles on to soapbox.....I can very much relate to the body dysphoria Liz, also the idea of tolerance over acceptance.

Truth is it's normal to feel that way when we don't match up to our ideals, and that's the issue really and rings true for every single person on the planet. So yes, learning to love yourself just as you are is key.....today, not tomorrow or in the distant future, but today, just the way you are

We can't be all things to all people, we can only be ourselves.......Falls off soapbox

I don't pretend to know any of the answers, but I do wish you well Liz. Just sharing the way you do has helped me and I'm sure many others immensely. That means something as is a testament to your character. You're a good girl

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Drexy/Drex]

I keep moving forward and trying to improve my appearance and how I am perceived however I am having great difficulties with this idea that I will never be able to completely blend in so remain vulnerable to psychological and physical attacks because I am so obviously Trans. Yes people are usually lovely with me when in public but that is not the same as acceptance...I consider it more likes tolerance.

Totally relate to that feeling ....from my view point  having spent so much time with groups out in the bush , im well aware of peoples behaviors,  towards those as they see as different  i guess all one  can do is "be" .....easier said than done

[LizK]

Stumbles on to soapbox.....I can very much relate to the body dysphoria Liz, also the idea of tolerance over acceptance.

Truth is it's normal to feel that way when we don't match up to our ideals, and that's the issue really and rings true for every single person on the planet. So yes, learning to love yourself just as you are is key.....today, not tomorrow or in the distant future, but today, just the way you are

We can't be all things to all people, we can only be ourselves.......Falls off soapbox

I don't pretend to know any of the answers, but I do wish you well Liz. Just sharing the way you do has helped me and I'm sure many others immensely. That means something as is a testament to your character. You're a good girl

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Sadie my dear you are too kind. I do hope that some of my ramblings have helped someone and am glad to know you have found something useful in them.

You are so right we can't be all things to all people.

I guess for me is that my confidence took a huge hit as a result of the conversation with my father...I didn't realise just how much it had impacted me until the last few days.

Great to hear from you and thanks for your kind words

Take Care

Liz

[LizK]

Totally relate to that feeling ....from my view point  having spent so much time with groups out in the bush , im well aware of peoples behaviors,  towards those as they see as different  i guess all one  can do is "be" .....easier said than done

You have a tough gig when in the bush...I think you have done remarkably well to wether the storm you already have.

You are right when you say all we can do is "be"...on the rare occasions when I do actually pass I get to experience how every other woman on the planet feels and to me that feels "right" and the happiness of just being me is an incredible feeling of being calm, happy and content. Unfortunately that does not happen very often but I will continue to try and achieve it in a lasting manner.

Take care

Liz

[LizK]

Heading out the door to go shopping for birthday present for my Daughter....first time out shopping in a shopping complex for quite awhile...in fact the first time out in quite awhile...Got my "glad rags" on and am about to do my makeup although is hot here and likly just to slide off my face. 

I can't believe how anxious I am about this shopping trip....I thought I was past all this crap....but I guess not. I am sure once I get out the door I will be fine

I didn't think my confidence was so fragile and so easily shattered...time to get out and "DO" which hovefully should boost it.

Liz

[Laurie]

My Dear Liz,

Yes you have been hiding as much as I had been. You are absolutely right it is time for you to get out that door and just do. Just like I needed to do. So far all is going well on my road trip and you will do better the more you do it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Bari Jo]

Liz, even with your setbacks with your family and you questioning your ability to blend in, I read from your writing a great amount of optimism and positivity.  I bet you are a joy to be around.

Btw, I'm in the tolerance phase also from my coworkers.  Just today I went on a short business trip to the other side of town with four other ladies in my dept.  I saw they had heir purses, so I grabbed mine.  I got compliments on my purse, and I gave compliments on their shoes.  I do not pass one bit, but it still felt good to be with the ladies.  Perhaps the future will be kind to us both, and we will be more than tolerated.

Bari Jo

[LizK]

My Dear Liz,

Yes you have been hiding as much as I had been. You are absolutely right it is time for you to get out that door and just do. Just like I needed to do. So far all is going well on my road trip and you will do better the more you do it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thanks Laurie you are right I have been hiding and I think during one of our marathon conversations I pushed you fairly hard(yes I admit it) to help you get out that door. I am back and we had a lovely time... the usual amount of gawking was done by some members of the public but after about 10 minutes I didn't see them anymore...I am sure they were there but I was not buying into it...as usual my rock(Meryl) was their to encourage and keep me centred, at one point reminding me that I am a human being and have every right to be there along with all those other people....she is such a gem

Take care

Liz
PS you back yet?

[LizK]

Liz, even with your setbacks with your family and you questioning your ability to blend in, I read from your writing a great amount of optimism and positivity.  I bet you are a joy to be around.

Btw, I'm in the tolerance phase also from my coworkers.  Just today I went on a short business trip to the other side of town with four other ladies in my dept.  I saw they had heir purses, so I grabbed mine.  I got compliments on my purse, and I gave compliments on their shoes.  I do not pass one bit, but it still felt good to be with the ladies.  Perhaps the future will be kind to us both, and we will be more than tolerated.

Bari Jo

Hi Bari Jo

First of all its good to see you survived a visit from  Lorry lorrie...that woman  Good on you girl.

I try to be as upbeat as I can and thankyou for the compliment. 

I know the feeling you are talking about but I did have a couple of those lovely simple interactions in between the gawkers and one in particular when a gentleman walked into me. He was in his 70's and struck up a quick conversation with me finishing with "Have a good day love"

We were greeted as "ladies" in a couple of places and those that were hesitant or avoided being pleasant did not get any of our money 

Bari Jo I am sure you will get past your "tolerance" phase and get treated as the lady you deserved to be treated as. I will take tolerance over hostility every time and I guess its all part of our journey.

Take care

Liz

[Cindy]

Hi Liz, Sorry life has been up and down again. Ahhh you do know where I am when you need a chat about it don't you?

Oh and if you want to try the gawking, just walk around with a hole in your neck. Hardly anyone ever notices.

Hugs Hon

[LizK]

Hi Liz, Sorry life has been up and down again. Ahhh you do know where I am when you need a chat about it don't you?

Oh and if you want to try the gawking, just walk around with a hole in your neck. Hardly anyone ever notices.

Hugs Hon

Hi Cindy

I bet no one even see's it..yeah right!!! 

Yes I do know where to hunt you down to chat!! I was a bit messed up about things and really didn't know what I thought for a long time. In fact the phone call with my father was the day before our get together and when I saw you I brushed over it as I didn't know what to think at that stage...it took me a couple of weeks to just get my head around it. Thank you and I would love to catch up again really soon...I am meeting my wayward brother next Wednesday so I am sure I will be in need of your smile by the time I work through that little piece of joy. I will be in touch again soon

hugs(gentle)

Liz