Trying to honor every part of myself

[Ashryn]

I figure there's not much I could say at this point that wouldn't be cliche, but here goes.

It looks like my story is similar to some others who have recently introduced themselves. I'm 35, male, often wish that I could be female, been wrestling with this for as long as I can remember. So here's my story:

My earliest memories of feeling like I wanted to be female was as a kid, we would play He-Man and I wanted to be She-Ra. We would play Ninja Turtles and I wanted to be April O'Neil. We would play Star Wars and I wanted to be Princess Leia. Somehow I knew that my friends would think it was odd, so I never spoke up about it.

When I hit puberty I remember wishing I could be rid of my penis. I hated the thing. I worked on a dairy farm and kept wishing that a cow would kick me in the balls so bad that they would have to be surgically removed.

All of my sexual fantasies were of being a female and for some reason rape fantasies were very appealing to me. In the privacy of my bedroom I would pretend to be my favorite heroines from movies and video games.

I got married, and eventually told my wife about my feelings, and we act out some of my fantasies in the bed room, which is nice. But I feel like I want to spend time as a female in a non sexual way. I'm not really sure what that means for me yet.

I've been going to a therapist, the latest of many, and these feelings kept coming up. So I decided it might be helpful to talk to others who have similar sorts of feelings and see if I can't figure out how to honor both my male and female sides.

Thanks for reading.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. What I am reading in your post is that you might be letting social pressure determine determine your outcome. Play the mind game where you are on a island and will never see another person again. Would you want to present male, female or something in between. Your answer will determine your starting point and yes, you can be in-between if you feel you are non binary. If you  look at our WIKI you will see some of the options that are open to you. Let us know if you have questions for us and we will do our best to answer them.

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[JeanetteLW]

Hi Ashryn,

   I'm glad you are here, I'm Jeanette, 64 MtF, unofficial greeter for Susan's Place. Welcome, welcome, come in and be at home. Get yourself comfortable and peruse the forums, read the topics you like, comment if you like. Get to know us as we get to know you.
   There's lots of us like you. Questioning, wondering, struggling to discover just who the heck we are, or better yet what we are. I did that myself forEVER! I finally settled on being just a crossdresser with all the guilt and baggage that entails but with it I got comfort and enjoyment. Wearing women's clothes and putting on makeup and feeling pretty was great stuff but in the background I think I always knew it wasn't all that I wanted. I fooled myself into thinking it was until last December when I decided to start taking HRT medications. BAM!! that was it!  That is the missing piece! I just knew it! 
   Like I said I'm 64 now. That means that I have felt like you for probably over 50 years. Uncertainty, guilt, disgust, remorse, fear, enjoyment, happy, comfortable, alcoholism, drugs, divorce, devastation all these things are part of my story. Some good some bad, But all had to be experienced to arrive at where I am today.
   Am I comfortable and happy with where I am now? What time is it? What thought is currently running amuck in my head? Right now I am okay within my skin and think I am doing the right thing, but I am becoming apprehensive over having to come out to my daughter soon. That weighs on me heavier with each passing day as the time approaches. She, her husband, and my grand kids are very important to me. I don't know how my news will be received.

   What I'm try to say, is that those questions and feeling of uncertainty, questions of who you are and what you should do are going to be around for a long time. But coming here is one of the things that can help us through these things and difficult times.
   Speaking to a therapist is also a good thing but I would suggest a gender therapist. I am waiting for a call from one myself so I can get help working through my own demons and come up with a plans to deal with them.

  I hope I haven't scared you off Ashryn. We want and need you here to help us and so we can help you. It's very therapeutic you know?

  Welcome Ashryn. welcome home

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[V M]

Hi Ashryn 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Ashryn]

Play the mind game where you are on a island and will never see another person again. Would you want to present male, female or something in between.

Yes, honestly I have performed that experiment. Although being a bit of a tech-head my thought experiment was always "What if I was uploaded into a computer, and could be anything I wanted" 
Usually the answer is that I would want to be a woman.

Jeanette
Thank you for the warm welcome, I have to admit that I looked at a couple of different forums, and the warm welcoming atmosphere, especially your efforts, were what drew me here. It's good to be home.

V M
Hey V M! Thanks for the welcome.

[JeanetteLW]

Jeanette
Thank you for the warm welcome, I have to admit that I looked at a couple of different forums, and the warm welcoming atmosphere, especially your efforts, were what drew me here. It's good to be home.

V M
Hey V M! Thanks for the welcome.

  Well, I thank you for the compliment. Now get on in here and be at home. You're part of the family now.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette