Here I go again :-(

[Laurie]

    I guess I should apologize to all of you for making you worry about me. I am sorry that my last coup[le of posts caused you all such concern and I thank you all for being worried. I understand how such post can be disturbing and I would love to tell you that you had not reason to be worried. But the truth of the matter is that what I wrote is how I've felt. The forest post is what happened to me many years ago and it is a reoccuring thought that finds it's way into my head from time to time. When it does I am not in a good place, but even so the likelihood of me doing it again are pretty slim.
   The last post is also of concern as it is sort of a new feeling. In talking it over with another member tonight I think it is caused in part from the medication I am taking for depression and how it is causing feelings to come back and these feelings are something I don't know how to deal with and they overwhelm me. I still struggle with that whole male thing of not showing emotion and I've never been good at holding everything in. I am still fighting to hold them in and in spite of my trying they leak out in the silent tears I talked about. It's then that I become overwhelmed with my feelings and want to curl up in the corner and cry. But of course I can't do that either.
  How am I going to fix this problem I do not know. I haven't figured that part out yet. I have been feeling better today and talking about it with someone has helped. Maybe I will be okay for awhile again maybe not but for now I am okay.
  Thank you all for caring.

Hugs,
   Laurie

P.S. Yes Moni, I know you love me and you should also know I love you too. Thank you.
   

[Sno]

Sorry, Laurie? What for? If we don't know when times are tough, how can we help you hon? So I'll have no more of that nonsense.

If you want to cry, do so. If you need to stare out of the window for a month, then do that. Shout, jump, rage, smash, vent, sing, paint, build, all you need to, but by apologising, you are negating your own feelings, for the perceived benefit of the rest of us and in your world, nothing much should matter more than your own mental health.

For me, the head meds make me numb, and prone to trying (and failing) at burning the house down, through errors in the kitchen.... at least yours have expanded your emotional range

(Hugs)


Rowan

[p]

Sending you big hugs and lots of love today, Laurie! I understand that you still struggle with negative feelings and are trying to figure out what to do with some of the emotions that arise. Take your time & be good to yourself. And vent here--we are here to listen and love. 

[Jayne01]

Allow me to also say that there shall be no more apologising for being honest. I won't repeat what has already been said, just go back and read Rowan's post again!!!

Yes we were all worried about you, but I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say that we would rather be worried and know what is going on so that we can try and help you than worry while you suffer in silence. So no more apologies young lady!!!

I am very sorry you actually lived through the moment described in your forest post. But that is now in the past. The memory of that cannot cause you any harm, it's just a long ago memory. If a situation arises that causes you to think about that time, remember that it is only a thought. Just let the thought naturally fade away, don't engage it. Leave it alone and it will go away.

If you want to go into a corner and cry, go find yourself a nice comfy corner, grab yourself a pillow so you don't sit on the hard ground and cry away. No shame in doing that. If I wasn't in the other side of the world, I'd sit in the corner with you and we can find something to cry about together. [emoji24]

You will find a way to manage these negative emotions. Hang in there.

Here is a (((HUG)))

Jayne

[Laurie]

  Thank you folks,

   Your posts do touch me when I read them through my watery eyes as they fill to overflowing. It's more of those feelings and emotions. You know those things I've never been good at? Oh ocular leakage how I hate thee... Someday I will learn how to just accept the simple fact that some people are just going to like me and be concerned for my well being. I'll have to work on that. But for now I'm too consumed with self loathing and hating myself for things long past and those that are newer. When they have me in their grasp, I feel so horrible. You have witnessed it here in this thread. Some of you have seen all of my highs and at least parts of my lows. I'm sorry and ashamed of the self I expose all of you to when I am so caught up in despair.
  Well today hasn't been one of those days at all. Yesterday was okay but today was good. Not a sign of the nonsense of a couple days ago. I've been in a pretty good mood all day. How long it will last I don't know, but I can guess it will probably last until Friday. Why Friday? Well, that's when I am scheduled to go for therapy again. Got to be doing good for that right? That's the way it usually goes right? Maybe I can fit in a quickie before Friday. I hope not. I have enough to talk to him about since last time. I guess we'll see how it goes between now and then.
   I just thought some of you would like to read that I had a good day again. Thank you all for your help and putting up with me.

Hugs,
    Laurie

[Jayne01]

Laurie, it is so nice to know that you are in a good mood. Try and hold onto that feeling for as long as you can.

Now, while I have you in a good mood, there are a few things we need to get into your head young lady!

Someday I will learn how to just accept the simple that some people are just going to like me and be concern for my well being. I'll have to work on that.

Yes, you do need to accept this. You are liked, live with it! [emoji4]

I'm sorry and ashamed of the self I expose all of you to when I am so caught up in despair.

I am pretty sure I have told you before, you have nothing to be ashamed of, so no apologising and no feeling ashamed. Got it!

   I just though some of you would like to read that I had a good day again.

Yes, thank you for letting us know. It doesn't matter if it is a good day or bad day, we are here for you. I am very glad you are in a good mood.

Take care,

Jayne

[Michelle_P]

Laurie, never be ashamed of your feelings and emotions. They are part of what makes us human.

I'm ashamed of a culture that demands repression, and insists on emotional constipation and an early grave for an entire gender.

You are just finally reconnecting with yourself and starting to heal from the damage our society has caused you.  Healing is not a bad thing, even when it makes us so very uncomfortable.

You'll come through this a better person.

With love and respect,
Michelle


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[p]

I am so glad to hear that you had a good day, Laurie! Hopefully these will become more and more frequent as your transition, therapy and medication progress. I am one of those pesky people you can't scare off who cares about you. Sending lots of love and a big hug, sister! 

[Roll]

Laaaaaaaurrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! <3 you.

[Laurie]

Thank you Ladies. Your responses and support are very much appreciated.
  So is the support I know is there from some friends out there that have held back in respect for a post I made quite some time ago. I thank them for doing it but feel like have done them wrong in expressing those thoughts. Because of that I want to make it clear to everyone that I am canceling that restriction. I don't want to stop anyone from posting any of their thoughts and concerns here in response to my own posts. I am inviting everyone to express their thoughts and opinions about what I post.
   I know it affected Monica and I am truly sorry for it. Monica, you still hold a special place in my heart. Love you, Lady. (((HUGS)))

  Hugs,
     Laurie

P.S. Ellie you got a laugh out of me.

[Anne Blake]

Hi Laurie girl, we love you!

Hugs from Deb & Tia Anne

[Laurie]

  Somehow Tia I got that feeling from the both of you. You two also hold a special place in my heart. I can't wait to drop in again and hug you both in person. It may take awhile though.

  If you all can't tell I am having another pretty good day. I had a little fun at Costco today as I came to the cashier to check out. The cashier picked up my card, looked at the picture then looked at me an then a smile came to her face. Nothing out of the ordinary was said. She was polite and used no pronouns, but that smile was enough for me.  The picture on the card is of some old man in a cowboy hat.

Hugs to you both,
  Laurie

[Dena]

  If you all can't tell I am having another pretty good day. I had a little fun at Costco today as I came to the cashier to check out. The cashier picked up my card, looked at the picture then looked at me an then a smile came to her face. Nothing out of the ordinary was said. She was polite and used no pronouns, but that smile was enough for me.  The picture on the card is of some old man in a cowboy hat.

All you need to do is go up to the service desk and tell them your picture is a little out of date and you would like it updated. I am pretty sure they will agree with you.

[Laurie]

  It has crossed my mind. I could also just request another card for an authorized user named Laurie W***** w/o picture but then the name on the credit cards wouldn't match. Maybe someday I'll do something about names.

[Megan.]

"Hi my name is Megan, and I'm a Laurie addict." [emoji16]

We all care so much for you hun. These pesky emotions are tough aren't they.  There is only time and acceptance to help combat them, but you'll get there,  keep on the path sister. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Laurie]

"Hi my name is Megan, and I'm a Laurie addict." [emoji16]

  A smile to start the day. Thank you Megan.

  On the agenda for today is playing taxi chauffeuring my good friend Peggy from Missouri from the airport and delivering her to her kids and grand kids. (she claims I'm family too) I am likely in for a few smacks from her when she read an email I had sent to her from one of my low points. She brought it with her "to read at an appropriate time". It was a copy of something I had sent the Stephanie trying to explain how bad I was feeling at the time. Stephanie might remember it's content and the rest of you can probably guess. It is a good thing for me that she hasn't created an account here so she can follow how I'm doing. Smacks or no smacks it will be nice to see Peggy again.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[Faith]

"Hi my name is Megan, and I'm a Laurie addict." [emoji16]

Hi, My name is Faith and I am also a Laurie addict. I am on Day 0. I try to abstain but I keep coming back ... I am not ashamed.

[Laurie]

  Thank you too Faith I could possibly wind up smiling all day at this rate.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Jayne01]

Hey! I want in on this club.
My name is Jayne and I too am a Laurie addict.

[Kendra]

Hey! I want in on this club.
My name is Jayne and I too am a Laurie addict.

Me too!! 

  It has crossed my mind. I could also just request another card for an authorized user named Laurie W***** w/o picture but then the name on the credit cards wouldn't match. Maybe someday I'll do something about names.

Before I legally changed name I had two American Express cards - one Ken, one Kendra.  I called Amex and explained exactly why - I am transgender, transitioning male to female and needed an additional card on my account with a different name.  They were very polite, congratulated me and popped it in the mail.  From their standpoint it's no different than issuing a card to an additional person in same household,  more potential usage of the card and they like that.  Seems like a minor thing but it really helped - some newer cash registers display the cardholder's name in large letters to the cashier.

I didn't bother updating debit card until I legally changed my name since those just go into a machine for the customer to fiddle with.

Interesting conversations when the cashier spots the business name on my Costco card.

(I quit drinking alcohol in 2003 but I'm in the band)

Laurie I am so glad you are climbing back where you need to be.  I feel better knowing you are having better days.  💕