Here I go again :-(

[jentay1367]

It's another door kicked in, Jeannette. In the new room are more doors. Every one you open is like a breath of fresh air and another monkey off your back. Keep going. You won't regret it, regardless of where you land.

[JeanetteLW]

It's another door kicked in, Jeannette. In the new room are more doors. Every one you open is like a breath of fresh air and another monkey off your back. Keep going. You won't regret it, regardless of where you land.

   Oh Great, more doors  Did you not understand that each one is a object of dread for me?  But you are right, Jen, each one conquered is a victory and a refreshing step down this uncertain road I trod. It is folks like you and everyone here that calm my panic and give me the desire to take that step though it tends to scare me.

   Thank you, Jen.

  This step is going to be a piece of cake compared to the next one I will probably be taking. That one really has me fearful. My daughter is returning from being away from her home for almost 2 months. I will let her settle in the arrange to go visit. If I can do it she and her husband will be the first of my family and friends I will come out to.
Just thinking about that gives me the willies. You can bet this topic will be talked about Monday...
  Well, that will be the next ordeal.   Let me get past this one first.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

 

[Floof]

Floof I like "Reisen er lang, hard og full av farer;vær modig mine brødre og søstre" from you posts.

Glad you do, do you know some Norwegian? My great grandad always said that when he was taking his boats out, I remember it from coming along with him when I was a kid.. His few words of encouragement I suppose , they are my strongest memory of him. Just the short trips ofc, they didn't hit the waves of the North Sea with 5-year-olds on board!

Sorry for nostaliga-tripping.. Good luck with your apointment hun <3

[JeanetteLW]

Glad you do, do you know some Norwegian? My great grandad always said that when he was taking his boats out, I remember it from coming along with him when I was a kid.. His few words of encouragement I suppose , they are my strongest memory of him. Just the short trips ofc, they didn't hit the waves of the North Sea with 5-year-olds on board!

Sorry for nostaliga-tripping.. Good luck with your apointment hun <3

  No I do not know Norwegian, sorry. I do know google and your saying caught my eye. I am a curious sort and look up a lot of things I do not understand. (How do you think I found this wonderful place?)

No apologies needed for taking a trip down memory lane, Floof, none at all.

And thank you.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[JeanetteLW]

  Thanks to the time change for daylight savings time it is 4:00AM. 29 hours before the appointment and I'm up on the computer checking and replying to unread posts. I was in bed listening to my audio book so I could keep the squirrels away while I fall asleep.  No dice. The squirrels were making too much noise tonight. I keep having to replay parts of the story because the words I was listening to were not coming from the book. Yup, it was those dang squirrels talking to me. No fear, nor panic, they were just talking over what I should do for and at the appointment. or what I should say, or wear, or ask, or, or, or..... you get the picture.  Funny they haven't said anything about what he might ask, or say, or do.
  As I said no panic, no fear just noisy squirrels.
   I don't like squirrels much.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

[Cindy]

  Thanks to the time change for daylight savings time it is 4:00AM. 29 hours before the appointment and I'm up on the computer checking and replying to unread posts. I was in bed listening to my audio book so I could keep the squirrels away while I fall asleep.  No dice. The squirrels were making too much noise tonight. I keep having to replay parts of the story because the words I was listening to were no coming from the book. Yup, it was those dang squirrels talking to me. No fear, nor panic they were just talking over what I should do for and at the appointment. or what I should say, or wear, or ask, or, or, or..... you get the picture.  Funny they haven't said anything about what he might ask, or say, or do.
  As I said no panic, no fear just noisy squirrels.
   I don't like squirrels much.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

Oh my dear Jeanette,

I'm sitting in bed unable to sleep worried about my throat operation, I've got my earphones in and listening to Pink Floyd.
I'm reading your post and smiling. Do you know what my first session was like?

"Hello my name is X, what name would you like me to use for you?" 'Cindy' (with enough tremors to cause a landslide)

"Thank you and welcome. Just relax and tell me about yourself."

The rest I would have to tel you by PM but it was lovely.

Now I'm trying to think about meeting my throat surgeon this coming Tuesday and not trying to panic.

Want to hold hands?

[LizK]

"Don't panic Mr Mannering Don't Panic"

The mind is marvel...when it does stuff like wake you in the early morning so it can "discuss" the merits of wether I wear something femme or do I go as my miserable self...so he can see just how miserable I am...I wouldn't mind wearing that nice dress I bought the other day...don't want to push it though...might come off a bit needy...better still how about....and on it goes until you can't stand it anymore. Sounds a bit like my last 24 hrs before see my Psych

My experience was I sat down he smiled I smiled...silence..."how can I help you today"...then I blurted my entire life story in every minute detail run together in one sentence, something like IgrewupinasmallcountrytownandIhavealawysfeltthatIwasborndiferentlyadnhavespentmyentirelifewantingtobea girl, so who do I see about the HRT?...he just smiled at me and said "Ok" and away we went from there.

You will be great

Liz 

[JeanetteLW]

  Liz,
  Yes, you've got the idea. Squirrels, just dang squirrels.  Those pesky squirrels have always been a nuisance on any any every subject. They want to be heard. That is why I took to listening to my audio books in bed. If I listen to it then those dang squirrels don't keep me up. It usually works, but sometime they are noisier and more persistent like tonight..errr this morning.  But yeah Liz, you got it.

  Cindy,
  I would willing hold your hand if I could. Cancer is such a frightful nasty disease. I feel I know some of what you are going through. I swear the docs were supplementing their incomes by selling parts of me on ebay. Yes, I am missing a few parts due to this damn thing too. But I cannot imagine what you are going through as you face losing your voice.  It may sound awful but I am glad you made the choice you have. By doing so you get to live longer and as you say you could even come out of it all cured. A voice would be a small sacrifice in that case.
  I also know that hope of a cure as I went for it too. I was given the choice of living a few months longer or a very tough treatment that had only about 28% chance of helping me at all. It also offers the only chance of a cure for masticated kidney cancer at a rate of less that 5% I took toxic in hospital treatments under ICU care for about 5 weeks. Toxic enough to kill a person. I was lucky in that they didn't have to resuscitate me like the two patients before me that year.
  There is hope, Cindy, but you have to fight for it and I am glad that you are.

  Prayers be with you.
   Jeanette

[Cindy]

Hon,
I'm here for you.

I'm fine.

Cindy

[vicki_sixx]

I don't think it qualifies as terror. But it is definitely apprehension and fear.

  I also do not think it is learning more about me
  There is some aspect of " am I really trans " for sure but not so much.

Maybe I can offer some timely help. I don't think there is anyone on this forum - or any trans forum - who has been more self-doubting of themselves that they're 'trans enough' than me. I've spent the pats 12 months, having the doubts the pros, the cons, the certainty and then the uncertainty, sloshing around my head 24/7. Literally 24/7. My situation has been compounded by the fact I'm successful being a guy and am not self-loathing of my genitals or body. Not for me the cliched 'I've always known I was a little boy that I was really a girl and I only wanted to play with girl's toys and I'm really effeminate anyway and I fancy men' and that only made me feel even more of a fraud in looking down the transition route. My feeling is that trans is a spectrum. At the 90+%  end of the scale are those who fit the cliche of the girl trapped in a boy's body and I assessed myself at 60-70% so quite a margin for error.

Long story short, I booked a private consultation with the country's leading gender specialist (it was a 24-48 month wait if I wanted it free on the NHS). Whatever he said, if I wanted to push on with transition I would via self-med but his opinion really mattered (as was the help and assistance that would follow) being the numero uno psych n' all. This meeting was 7 days ago. I had no idea what he was going to ask but - perhaps suicidally - decided against giving stock answers to make me seem so clearly trans - this was about being true to myself, not fooling others to believe a narrative of my own choosing. I was brutally honest - saying how I don't hate my male self, no genital dysphoria, was happy being a guy who cross-dressed etc - and despite the fact that most girls, even those who are deemed 'more trans' than me, don't get a GD diagnosis on first visit I walked out with a medical diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria and the doctor's full support for the next stage of my transition. So so much for not being 'trans enough'!

I don't know you, I don't know you're trans but I do know that if I got the GD diagnosis and the full support of docs and endos then you more than likely will too. If you want it.

[vicki_sixx]

It's probably not totally revelationary to you but it may help confirm how you're feeling.

http://born.uk.com/tell-youre-trans/

[JeanetteLW]

My situation has been compounded by the fact I'm successful being a guy and am not self-loathing of my genitals or body. Not for me the cliched 'I've always known I was a little boy that I was really a girl and I only wanted to play with girl's toys and I'm really effeminate anyway and I fancy men' and that only made me feel even more of a fraud in looking down the transition route.

. I had no idea what he was going to ask but - perhaps suicidally - decided against giving stock answers to make me seem so clearly trans - this was about being true to myself, not fooling others to believe a narrative of my own choosing. I was brutally honest -

I walked out with a medical diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria and the doctor's full support for the next stage of my transition. So so much for not being 'trans enough'!

I don't know you, I don't know you're trans but I do know that if I got the GD diagnosis and the full support of docs and endos then you more than likely will too. If you want it.

Thank you Vicki.
    The first two parts I copied above, of what you said really resonated with me as I could have written them myself. I will admit to envy of the pretty clothes my sisters got to wear though. And I usually felt somewhat out of place among the guys. I much preferred the company of girls when I was allowed to join them.
   I also believe it is better to be honest as I can. I'm the one who requested the therapy and how can I be helped if I am not telling them about myself truthfully?
    As for the diagnosis of gender dysphoria, the psychiatrist who did my mental health intake assessment already put that in my record and referred me to gender therapy for specialized attention as she felt I was already beyond what she had experience with. That's how I got to this point. I am hopeful he will arrive at the same conclusion and help me with the issues I have about it. I guess I'll find that out tomorrow.
   And lastly the professionals I have come out to (primary doc, my Oncologist, and the psychiatrist) have all been great at giving me support about this thing.

  The best support however is the good people here. They let me worry, they let me be silly, they  listen to my minor panic attacks like this one, and they have taken me in and made me part of the family. It helps, it really does.

  Thanks again Vicki for your help.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

[LizK]

  Liz,
  Yes, you've go the idea. Squirrels, just dang squirrels.  Those pesky squirrels have always been a nuisance on any any every subject. They want to be heard. That is why I took to listening to my audio books in bed. If I listen to it then those dang squirrels don't keep me up. It usually works but sometime they are noisier and more persistent like tonight..errr this morning.  But yeah Liz, you got it.

Have you been listening to the "Squirrel Cage"? There is a passage Cindi (used to post here last year) wrote about Dysphoria and she describes the way the "Squirrel" inside her head would run. It sounded like your description. I loved that passage of the book and I have quoted it when trying to describe GD.

Liz

What about "Trans: A memoir" By Juliet Jacques or another good one "She's not there " by Jennifer Boylan

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Liz,
   No I can't say that I am familiar with it, nor the Cindi of which you speak. I think I must have been born with at least a mating pair of these squirrels in my head. It seems there are several more of them now than there was before.

Jeanette

[LizK]

Hi Liz,
   No I can't say that I am familiar with it, nor the Cindi of which you speak. I think I must have been born with at least a mating pair of these squirrels in my head. It seems there are several more of them now than there was before.

Jeanette

Find it and have a listen, the Cindi I talk of has not posted in awhile but from memory her book was free on Amazon. She talks about the squirrel in her head...she describes her dysphoria in these terms and the description resonated strongly with me.

Liz

[jentay1367]

LOL @ squirrels....I've always referred to them as "my committee".....always deciding what I should do and how I should act, judging me and verbally berating me with me never wanting to agree with them, though I often acquiesce. They are....simply stated, a first class pita

[JeanetteLW]

Find it and have a listen, the Cindi I talk of has not posted in awhile but from memory her book was free on Amazon. She talks about the squirrel in her head...she describes her dysphoria in these terms and the description resonated strongly with me.

Liz

Okay Liz,
   It took me awhile to find it but I did and have the 5 parts bookmarked for future reading. I will link the last part for others that may also like to read it. This last part has links to the other 4 parts making it easier to get to them. it is still available on kindle for free too... Squirrel Cage by Cindi Jones

   https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,15958.msg122667.html#msg122667

Thank you for peaking my curiosity.

LOL @ squirrels....I've always referred to them as "my committee".....always deciding what I should do and how I should act, judging me and verbally berating me with me never wanting to agree with them, though I often acquiesce. They are....simply stated, a first class pita

   Yup Jentay,
     Same group different names. I tend to equate mine to squirrels because of their penchant for constant chittering spreading the word to others when you invade their territory. Their berating continues everywhere you go until you leave. Occasionally when you are endangering their food supply or getting too close to a nest they become very agitated and loudly demanding you vacate the premises Now!.
    My squirrels are like that, always there, always nearby, waiting to ambush my thoughts. I'm able to ignore them during the day easily. But at night when I'm in my bed and all is quiet, I become vulnerable to their criticism.

 
(15 hours to go and I'm still good)

Hugs,
    Jeanette

[JeanetteLW]

  Well, the day has arrived. My appointment is in 1 1/2 hours. I'll be leaving in about 25 minutes in order to be there early because of morning work traffic. It is only 12 miles.  12 miles to think about what to say.
  I'm okay still, no panic, just a bit or nervousness starting to set in. I'll be in male mode as Jeanette cannot face the light of day as yet. No one here in my apartments nor my sister know of Jeanette and I'm not ready to enlighten them at this time.
  No time to make a breakfast as I usually do. I'm sure my alter ego's FB will wonder about that as  cooking breakfast and posting a pictures for them is something I have done for almost 2 years. It raises questions when they don't see my breakfast posts. It even has generated phone calls when I've missed a couple of days.
   I slept well last night only waking about 3 times. I'm all rested for my appointment so I don't think I'll be dozing off mid sentence. It has happened to be before after my divorce. I'll fallen asleep sitting on a customers floor while taking a computer apart to fix it. LOL That happened a few times actually. Your problems and drugs can keep you awake only so long.
   Why am I telling you all this?  To keep my mind off the appointment of course. But now, my friends, it's time to brush my teeth, put on, my shoes, grab a jacket and head out the door.
   Wish me luck.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[Niki Knight]

Hi Hon, You will be fine. I had butterflies to but you will settle in and all will be good.

Be positive, confident in who you really are, its your time !!

Sending good vibes, Cant wait to here how it went.

[ainsley]

Wishing you luck!
I am sure it went well and you have felt such a relief, Jeanette.
yay!