Here I go again :-(

[JeanetteLW]

   I'm back. I've met with my gender therapist and all in all the word I would use to describe the visit is "anticlimactic". Yep, that sums it up pretty well. We greeted each other and introduce ourselves a bit to break the ice. Then we got into my history a bit more w/o going into very much detail. The conversation was more to give him a better idea as to who I was in general than anything else. We did touch upon how I came to start HRT and how it led to me being in his office this morning, We talked a little of my married life, alcoholism, drug use, crossdressing, cancer, etc. You know, just the usual things everyone talks about when making small talk.... What's that? It ISN'T what everyone talks about? Oh.... Perhaps I need to work on honing my social skills a little.
    Well anyway not much of any import was discussed. Perhaps that will happen next visit. Yeah their will be a "next". The date is set for the 21st, that's next week Tuesday. I'll be there.

  Thank you all for the support givien to get me there today. It didn't even hurt and no tissues were needed.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[KathyLauren]

No tissues?  OMG, something is wrong!

Just kidding!  Congratulations on getting through it!  You'll be fine from here on.

[jentay1367]

I've experienced that many go to therapists expecting to be told what is either wrong with them...or what they should do. They do neither. They're basically sounding boards. You're paying for them to be something you've never had...an ear. It can either be cathartic or create the feeling like you're throwing your money away. That always depends on your therapist.
     If you're unequivocally sure your Trans, I'm not really sure what good they can actually do. If on the other hand, you're looking for answers or a way through the maze so you may actualize, they can be great. I knew your meeting would be "anticlimactic" as you'd stated. They can only lead you to trigger an epiphany. They don't have any magic answers as some go in hoping they do. 

[davina61]

see nowt to worry about, I gave up worrying years ago as things are what they are and no amount of worry will change a thing. When I started work one of the old boys told me "you die if you worry, you die if you don't so why worry" and I went YES that's right. Keep smiling girl its an end to a means XXX Davina

[JeanetteLW]

   Thank you Kathy, Davina, and Jentay,

   

No tissues?  OMG, something is wrong!
Just kidding!  Congratulations on getting through it!  You'll be fine from here on.

  Kathy, I am sure there will be many opportunities for tissues later.

 

I gave up worrying years ago as things are what they are and no amount of worry will change a thing.

  Davina,  This is very true and I have never been a worrier, I told the psychiatrist I talked to for my assessment as much and that I do not believe in stress, that I do not understand it. As Leonard (my alter ego) This has been true. As Jeanette however I have been a worrier. I've worried and had moments of panic over each step I have taken. It is as if I have been changing emotionally as much as I have been physically. As Leaonrd I've had difficulties tearing up over sad or sentimental things (more so after my divorce) but now I find myself crying over the same things.

 

They're basically sounding boards. You're paying for them to be something you've never had...an ear. . If on the other hand, you're looking for answers or a way through the maze so you may actualize, they can be great. I knew your meeting would be "anticlimactic" as you'd stated. They can only lead you to trigger an epiphany. They don't have any magic answers as some go in hoping they do. 

  Jentay,  Your words are I think just what I am looking for from therapy. I have never been one to "talk over my  problems" I've always been a "do it yourselfer" figuring out and resolving my problems myself. My divorce, drugs, alcoholism,and serious thoughts of suicide are testaments on how good that has worked out for me.  I think it's time I tried something else. This may just be it.  I like to think I've had some successes though, I no longer do drugs, drink or smoke having given up those about 22,18,and 16.5 years ago. I'm no longer considered a lousy father by my daughter, and I am working of accepting and becoming the person I think I should be. It's that last that I freely admit I cannot do for myself. Rather I'll accept the help of professionals and the help and suport of everyone willing to help here at Susan's Place.

  I thank you all for being here for myself and all the others this place helps.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[jentay1367]

I know this story....................

My divorce, drugs, alcoholism,and serious thoughts of suicide are testaments on how good that has worked out for me.

The only reason divorce isn't included in my case is because I have a patient, loving, awesome spouse. The others? Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. So..I feel your pain, girl. As I suspect many of us do here. We all seem to share much of that narrative.
     I see in you a woman who is open minded and ready to accept the help that the man you pretended to be, never could. Cuz' of that, I only see wonderful things on your horizon, Jeannette. I think you're going to be fine, fine fine!

[JeanetteLW]

I know this story....................

So..I feel your pain, girl. As I suspect many of us do here. We all seem to share much of that narrative.
     I see in you a woman who is open minded and ready to accept the help that the man you pretended to be, never could. Cuz' of that, I only see wonderful things on your horizon, Jeannette. I think you're going to be fine, fine fine!

  Yes JenTay sadly I have to agree, many of us here have had to walk that difficult path to get to where we are today. Some never make it.

  Thank you for the vote of confidence. It helps.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

[Janes Groove]

    Well anyway not much of any import was discussed. Perhaps that will happen next visit.It didn't even hurt and no tissues were needed.

I'm glad to hear it went so well. Tho I wouldn't put the hanky away in storage just yet.  It is called "The Crying Game."  But seriously, congratulations on getting past this step.

[JeanetteLW]

Thank you, Jane. I'm sure you are right tissues will be needed.

  hugs,
   Jeanette

[Colleen_definitely]

Kind of sounds like a blind date.  A week of freaking out leading to a feeling of "somehow that was more boring than expected" and then a second date.

[Shy]

Good to here things went o.k. Jeanette.

I know I was expecting to be turned inside-out on my first visit to a therapist It all ended up being so very normal and predictable. I haven't got to see a gender therapist yet, but am predicting much the same response as you first contact.
Early days yet though girl. You're still at "tissuecon 5".

Shy

[JeanetteLW]

Much thanks Estelle and Shy.

  Yes after the initial panic moments and everybody's help I was okay with going to the appointment. I will be good for the next one on Tuesday too. I haven't decided yet if it will be before coming out to my daughter or after. (she is supposed to return from Iowa today). I am toying going up for a visit this weekend. Just the thought of it puckers my behind and twists my tummy.  What to do?, What to do?

  Hey Shy I love your " You're still at "tissuecon 5"."

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

[p]

I'm so glad that your appointment went well, Jeanette! I am not always the best at catching posts on time (my phone is too old to download the app ), but I am so, so glad that you had a good experience. I am actually looking for therapists right now, and the fears you expressed really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing your journey.

Love  ,
P

[JeanetteLW]

I am actually looking for therapists right now, and the fears you expressed really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing your journey.

Love  ,
P

  Hi p,
 
    It matters not when you are able to share yourself with us, what matters is that you do.

   It is good that you are looking for the professional help yourself. I am new at confiding in people let alone a therapist, but I am giving it a go as I think it can only help me identify my issue and help me discover solutions. I've said before that I don't have a very good track record there. But my therapist did say I have faced some large issues in my life and have made some really good changes and adjustments to them.

   I have decided to us this thread as a means to give voice to and share what is going on in my life. That is pretty much what it has evolved into anyway. I appreciate every bit of assistance I get from you all here at Susan's Place. I think I have been here long enough to have my own running thread for what ails me.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[JeanetteLW]

Tuesday... 
  I just talked to my daughter on facebook tonight. I have arranged to visit her on Tuesday for the purpose of telling her and my son in law that I am trans. She knows something is up but doesn't have any idea what it is. I think I have assured her I'm not going to be telling her I'm dying. I did tell her exactly that because I'm pretty sure it was what came into her mind given my medical history. She knows it is something important because her Dad doesn't make plans, certainly not appointments for the express reason to talk to her and her husband. She's going to worry about it between now and then I know.  So am I. lol
  Now all I need to do is figure out just how I am going to do it.  I even have an alternate day planned if for some reason I can't make it there on Tuesday. So if not Tuesday then Saturday. It is going to happen.

Jeanette

[LizK]

I know this is important to you so I would not be planning anything too much, maybe have in the back of you mind the points you want to cover...you will be great...she will be great...have some faith in your ability as a parent. Good luck for Tuesday

Liz

[JeanetteLW]

Thanks Liz,

   Yes, this is of huge import to me. As much as I fear doing it, I know it has to get done. Having this conversation, and I hope it is a conversation, with her and my son in law, will not only decide my future relationship with them and my grand kids, it it also signifies the start of my coming out to everyone else. It means I am taking that next huge step in making this real.

I know this is important to you so I would not be planning anything too much, maybe have in the back of you mind the points you want to cover...
Liz

    In the back of my mind? There's a dang maelstrom in my mind with all kinds of points to talk about. The trick is going to be grabbing the ones I really think needs to be said, in the right order. Somewhere in that mess is the right one to start with. If I can find it the rest may just follow.

  Am I digging a deeper hole or emerging into the light?
  We shall see...

  Hugs,
     Jeanette

[LizK]

No contest...emerging into the light 

[audreytn]

Hi Asche

  I don't think it qualifies as terror. But it is definitely apprehension and fear.

  I also do not think it is learning more about me
  There is some aspect of " am I really trans " for sure but not so much.

   Fear that this means it's going to be really real? This one is a FOR SURE. Each and every step has has filled me with apprehension and makes it more real. Each step feels as you say "irrevocable" They haven't made it any easier.
  When I started HRT, I felt I could do it and stop if I decided it wasn't right for me, I haven't stopped and I am running out of that grace period where it wasn't irrevocable. I haven't stopped, yet. But I still have those nagging doubts. With each doctor visit I delve deeper into belonging here, really belonging. I think I fear that being true.

  I'm not sure that makes any sense.

Jeanette

  Heck I'm even crying about it now. Dang hormones.

You'll be fine! My GID therapist is my best friend! Amazing woman, and she locked right into my issues from Day 1.

I had the same apprehensions as you. Was I really trans? Can I be feminine appearing enough? Will I ever pass? Etc.

In a little less than 4 years time, she has helped fix, correct and fine tune so much in my life. I'm amazed that most things I can get through on my own now.  Still have a little anxiety during tense situations and high stress situations, but mostly I've learned to control me.  I'm but a shell of my former self. Happier, more outgoing, more positive, more friendly, less opinionated and my anger has totally subsided.  So at peace. Which is something I never thought possible.

So be open minded, remember she/he is there to help. To help you figure you out, to address issues, grievances, past traumas, to work through current issues and situations and to help your sort your feelings out. 

Embrace him/her as a positive thing.  You will only get out of your therapy what you are willing to put into it.  So attack it with a vengeance and go find the you that YOU know has been there along. You can do it! [emoji5]

[Janes Groove]

There's a dang maelstrom in my mind with all kinds of points to talk about. The trick is going to be grabbing the ones I really think needs to be said, in the right order. Somewhere in that mess is the right one to start with.

Make sure to impress on them that this is the best thing that's ever happened to you.  Don't present it as a negative thing in any way.  So many transgender people make the mistake of conveying a sense of wrongness about their authentic gender identity.  You see it all the time right here on this site.  People always saying, "No one would ever want to be trans."  That gives people the wrong impression.  That something is wrong with us.  There is nothing wrong with us. We are born this way.  It's a happy day when we can finally come out and live life as our authentic self.