Here I go again :-(

[KathyLauren]

I am toying with possibly calling myself Laura. I like it and it's a nice dignified name (lmao me dignified? no way!!) If I decide on Laura Jeanette Wxxxxx I can keep my initials.  

I really like the sound of Laura Jeanette.  It has a classy sound to it, like a movie actress from the 1940s or something.

[JeanetteLW]

I really like the sound of Laura Jeanette.  It has a classy sound to it, like a movie actress from the 1940s or something.

Thanks for the vote Kathy. I'm still considering  it. A good friend of mine suggested Laurie and I like that too, it is  less formal, more friendly if you will.

Any thoughts on the name folks?

Hugs, Laurie, Laura, etc

[davina61]

Well Laura photo proof is a must, as to itchy feet I am so tempted to wear my 2" heel ankle boots when I go to the drag strip Sunday. Have kept my initials and signature as it makes it easier  at work ect . Little by little we will get there.
ps. its the Folk (as in singing(well that's what they call it) festival where I live, town will be full of beardy weirdows so could get away with nails and rings but CANT stand folk or country and western never mind JAZZ Festival soon

[Rayna]

Thanks for the vote Kathy. I'm still considering  it. A good friend of mine suggested Laurie and I like that too, it is  less formal, more friendly if you will.

Any thoughts on the name folks?

Hugs, Laurie, Laura, etc

You know, there are at least two ways to pronounce Laura. I have that on firm authority from my mother in law Laura, who insisted on it being law-ra not lo-ra as most people say it. Although you might be able to find a makeover artist who uses your preferred pronunciation.

You are doing great.
Randy

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

[JeanetteLW]

You know, there are at least two ways to pronounce Laura. I have that on firm authority from my mother in law Laura, who insisted on it being law-ra not lo-ra as most people say it. Although you might be able to find a makeover artist who uses your preferred pronunciation.

You are doing great.
Randy

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

  Thanks Randy,

And here I always thought it was pronounced Lore ra. But I am leaning toward Lore-rie now.

And what do makeup artists know anyway? I really have no idea because I never had a reason to talk with one.

  I can cross 2 more friends of my list of people to tell. One is a friend that is a friend of a real good friend. The other  is a little 4' 9" lady I have know for about 18 years. She is another friend that lives in Florida. Met her on the internet in a Pogo game room playing their silly slots with chat. We developed a real good relationship through the internet and I have met her in person 4 times. I value her friendship a lot and was really relieved when she accepted me as myself without reservation and was happy for me even though the news caught her by complete surprise. Very much like my friends in Missouri did. She was full of questions, happy for me, and  wanted to know all about it and my plans. Another true success!

  Hugs,
   Laurie aka Jeanette

Hugs,
   Laurie aka Jeanette

[Shy]

Hi Laurie,

Can I call you Laurie? I know I had to test a few names until felt comfy, so take your time girl. I like Laura, Laurie and Jeanette so probably not much help to you.
Glad to hear about another of you friends accepting you. What a crazy few month you've had.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Laurie,

Can I call you Laurie? I know I had to test a few names until felt comfy, so take your time girl. I like Laura, Laurie and Jeanette so probably not much help to you.
Glad to hear about another of you friends accepting you. What a crazy few month you've had.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

  Yeah, Thanks for the "help" Sadie. I like all three too but I am leaning towards Laurie now. Jeanette has been comfortable because I have used it for so long in many venues on the internet. Some not so child friendly if you know what I mean.  18 yro Jeanette (18 for role play that is) has a mischievous shady history ..  (Haven't done that in years) but it was fun too.  Growing pains if you will.

   Of course you can call me Laurie. That's why I put it out there is to try it on, see how it feels.

  Yes these last couple months has been exhilarating and a bit scary with coming out to doctors, talking to a therapist, accepting challenges, and coming out to the family and friends I have told so far. It has been a wonderful but sometimes rough ride and rewarding too. I'll thrilled about my physical changes, specifically my boobs. I love boobs, always have, now I'm getting the ones I've wanted most... my own!!  Rewarding as in the unflinching acceptance of my friends in Missouri when I needed it most. Rough as in when I told my daughter and her husband and her prayer requests on Facebook after she told my grandchildren the "devastating news" about their grandfather. Along with her telling me God can "fix" me if I give it to him. I was crushed.
  But yes it's been a crazy and for the most part good times these last couple months. And it has been great having a place like Susan's to share it on, and with the great ladies and guys I've been privileged to get to know.

  Love ya all (((HUGS)))

Laurie

[LizK]

Laurie it is then or Jeanette or Laurie Jeanette or Lorry ( as in Truck)  or....

Couldn't help myself...sorry

The question is asked......Are you a Laurie? anymore than a Jeanette?...I picked Elizabeth

1 because that is what my mother would have called me had she known

2 Some of the most amazing women I have met in my life have all had the name Elizabeth ( All called Liz)

Apart from the way it sounds why Laurie?

Liz

[JeanetteLW]

Apart from the way it sounds why Laurie?

Liz
[/quote

  I have known several ladies named Laura. I think I even dated one a couple of time but none were special, no crushes like Jeanette or Janet. So that bring up the main reasons I liked Laura. First I like the name and second my initials would remain LJW (Jeanette is still going to be there) So why Laurie?, you asked.

!. My friend in Missouri didn't care for Laura as it has some negative associations for her and she suggested Laurie.
2. I can keep my initials
3. I like it a bit better than Laura as it is less formal sounding, more fun sounding
4. I am comfortable using Jeanette and can still use it as a middle name using either as my mood dictates

  So I believe (at least right now) I like Laurie Jeanette Wxxxxx  I like the way that sounds, so it is a matter of becoming used to being Laurie. Can I be as comfortable with Laurie as I am with Jeanette. Being comfy with either IRL is going to be a challenge. Of more import is figuiring out if I can be a woman IRL. That is far from certain.

  Hugs,
    Laurie



 

   

[Cindy]

quote
Being comfy with either IRL is going to be a challenge. Of more import is figuiring out if I can be a woman IRL. That is far from certain.
unquote

I was mulling this the other night in that mid time between when the pain is biting and the meds haven't kicked in and the brain needs to be distracted.
Could I have coped if I had not transitioned? Is there any way I could go back and pretend to be a male?
It was interesting and very calming.

We fear fear itself and uncertainty is one of the major human fears. That is why when people are being interrogated or even (bad thoughts) tortured there is always the time when the the interrogator just puts forward the idea of what will happen and lets the victim think. That is the time the weaker person breaks.

As many of us know from experiences outside of TG, our greatest fears of what may happen to us are generally unfounded. Not that it does us any good next time we face a new uncertainty! We still quake with fear of the next make over, no matter what it may be.

[KathyLauren]

Of more import is figuiring out if I can be a woman IRL.

If I can do it, so can you.  I found that there was no way I could NOT do it.  I may get stared at from time to time, but what they are starting at is me.  I get to be myself!  How cool is that?  You can do it too.

[Christine1]

Thanks for that Cindy. So true. This just hit home for Me! Still scared but I must move forward! Damn. I worry More about what others will think about Me. It's holding Me back. It's really about Me and who I am.

Thanks!

I hope your doing good Cindy!! (((Hugs)))

Christine

[JeanetteLW]

quote
Being comfy with either IRL is going to be a challenge. Of more import is figuring out if I can be a woman IRL. That is far from certain.
unquote

I was mulling this the other night in that mid time between when the pain is biting and the meds haven't kicked in and the brain needs to be distracted.
Could I have coped if I had not transitioned? Is there any way I could go back and pretend to be a male?
It was interesting and very calming.

We fear fear itself and uncertainty is one of the major human fears. That is why when people are being interrogated or even (bad thoughts) tortured there is always the time when the the interrogator just puts forward the idea of what will happen and lets the victim think. That is the time the weaker person breaks.

As many of us know from experiences outside of TG, our greatest fears of what may happen to us are generally unfounded. Not that it does us any good next time we face a new uncertainty! We still quake with fear of the next make over, no matter what it may be.

Hi Cindy,

  I am happy to see you reply today. I have noticed  that I haven't seen anything from you for a couple day and have been wondering how you were doing. I suspected the reason was you were having some difficult times again and with the remarks in your beginning I think I was right. I'm sorry if you have been having a lot of physical pain. I realize there isn't anything I can do for you but I'm still sorry. I value your input around here as many others do I'm sure. I enjoy your presence and help in my personal issues. When you're not making that presence known I miss you.

   I like the words you write about fear, and yes there is an element of fear in transitioning. I am fearful about coming
out to friends and family but with each one I tell it becomes easier and by and large I haven't had a bad experience. Even my daughter's telling and response through less than I would have wanted wasn't really bad per se.
   I have some fear about going out en femme in public yes, but I think I have shown already a willingness to do it, more so as I  get comfortable wearing what I want at home and as my list of "must tells" gets shorter. Public reaction when being clocked is also of concern to me, it will happen, and as long as it is not too bad, I think I can deal with that too.
  I like to think I am a pretty level headed person. I also have a good analytical logical mind and am good at reasoning things out and problem solving. That is what made me a real good computer repair technician.  I am good at looking a a problem, looking at the symptoms, gathering the facts, eliminating the possible causes and arriving at the solution. But there is one problem I can't solve to my satisfaction.
  Why don't I feel like I am a woman? I don't think that I believe I am woman. In spite of everything I know about my history. My crossdressing for as long as I can remember, The wishing I could be a girl and later on a woman. The purging and re-obtaining of my female stashes of shoes, dresses, skirt, tops, makeup, jewelry and wigs. Of getting and taking my HRT meds, taking them and feeling it's right, loving the changes and telling my doctor and talking to my therapist. Coming out to family and friends. OF joining this forum and making friends here and feeling good being here.  In spite of all this evidence that I am doing what is right and good for me.... Why can't I believe I am a woman inside?
    Everything points to me being trans, a trans-woman. My doctors and therapist tell me I am. then why do I feel like I do?
   Now I feel I'm being a drama queen again. Like I am asking that tired question "Am I trans enough?". Been there done that one already and it isn't a question of am I trans enough. I think I am trans, the evidence says I am.  But knowing something is true and feeling it are two different things. Therein lies my concerns.

   I don't know if you would call that a fear but it is there. I am feeling like I'm an imposter.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

[JeanetteLW]

If I can do it, so can you.  I found that there was no way I could NOT do it.  I may get stared at from time to time, but what they are starting at is me.  I get to be myself!  How cool is that?  You can do it too.

   Thanks Kathy but I'm not so sure atm.

Hugs,
   Laurie  (Still sounds weird)

[Cindy]

Hi Cindy,

  I am happy to see you reply today. I have noticed  that I haven't seen anything from you for a couple day and have been wondering how you were doing. I suspected the reason was you were having some difficult times again and with the remarks in your beginning I think I was right. I'm sorry if you have been having a lot of physical pain. I realize there isn't anything I can do for you but I'm still sorry. I value your input around here as many others do I'm sure. I enjoy your presence and help in my personal issues. When you're not making that presence known I miss you.

   I like the words you write about fear, and yes there is an element of fear in transitioning. I am fearful about coming
out to friends and family but with each one I tell it becomes easier and by and large I haven't had a bad experience. Even my daughter's telling and response through less than I would have wanted wasn't really bad per se.
   I have some fear about going out en femme in public yes, but I think I have shown already a willingness to do it, more so as I  get comfortable wearing what I want at home and as my list of "must tells" gets shorter. Public reaction when being clocked is also of concern to me, it will happen, and as long as it is not too bad, I think I can deal with that too.
  I like to think I am a pretty level headed person. I also have a good analytical logical mind and am good at reasoning things out and problem solving. That is what made me a real good computer repair technician.  I am good at looking a a problem, looking at the symptoms, gathering the facts, eliminating the possible causes and arriving at the solution. But there is one problem I can't solve to my satisfaction.
  Why don't I feel like I am a woman? I don't think that I believe I am woman. In spite of everything I know about my history. My crossdressing for as long as I can remember, The wishing I could be a girl and later on a woman. The purging and re-obtaining of my female stashes of shoes, dresses, skirt, tops, makeup, jewelry and wigs. Of getting and taking my HRT meds, taking them and feeling it's right, loving the changes and telling my doctor and talking to my therapist. Coming out to family and friends. OF joining this forum and making friends here and feeling good being here.  In spite of all this evidence that I am doing what is right and good for me.... Why can't I believe I am a woman inside?
    Everything points to me being trans, a trans-woman. My doctors and therapist tell me I am. then why do I feel like I do?
   Now I feel I'm being a drama queen again. Like I am asking that tired question "Am I trans enough?". Been there done that one already and it isn't a question of am I trans enough. I think I am trans, the evidence says I am.  But knowing something is true and feeling it are two different things. Therein lies my concerns.

   I don't know if you would call that a fear but it is there. I am feeling like I'm an imposter.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

Thanks Hon,
I'm just battling the usual. Unfortunately a change in the weather to a winter pattern seems to have triggered a lot of joint pain, particularly in my shoulders that were of course immobilised for 13 hours during the surgery. I also had a hundred odd stitches where my neck was reconnected to my torso and I swear that the little tykes take it in turn to pull and contract in some bizarre symphonic orchestration.

I'm not trans enough. I'm not really female enough. I'm not .....enough.
This is all a very normal acceptance pattern and not something to be scared of but something to think through in a logical and in an emotional way. Yes that doesn't sound very logical, bringing emotion into the decision, but our psyche is a complex beast and works away using all the circuits it can access.

Let us examine a separate problem. My first CTs, MRIs and PET came back showing that my trachea was about 40% occluded by a tumour and surgical removal of the larynx was the only cause of action. I refused. I'm an oncologist (science), OK not in H&N but I treat lymphoma and leukaemia and I'm an acknowledged expert in my field. I insisted that chemoradiation would be curative. I was put through what was described by my treating team as 'a brutal chemoradiation regime'.

It didn't work. The only person who was surprised by that was I and to be honest I wasn't really surprised, I was just unwilling to accept someone else opinion about the most precious thing I have. My life.

When it then came to the crunch the offer was very simple. My life will finish in 6-12 months and it will not be a nice 6-12 months, or radical surgery and 50% chance of survival >5 years.

Faced with that I decided that even though I am one of the most pigheaded, self driven and determined people I have come across that maybe, just maybe, other people may have an opinion about me that is valid. The rest is history.

So how does this fit in with your gender issue? Everyone who has the ability to make an informed opinion agrees that you fit the very typical pattern of a transgender female. You don't accept that. However you are happy to accept that your private life is more comfortable and relaxed while living as female. You acknowledge that your mental well being and general happiness has improved with acceptance of you as female; as long as you don't accept the premise of 'I'm a female'.
You have been out in public as a female and found it frightening but satisfying; you accept that during those outings people accepted you as a female and that did not revolt you, rather it pleased you; as long as you don't have to accept that you are female. You have been readily 'cajoled' into pushing your boundaries, while all the time you knew that you did not need to, but you did so - as long as you did not have to admit that you are female.

Now I have a question. If you were a man would you have done any of this? 

Maybe, just maybe, others with some sort of experience in the area may have a valid opinion and it may be time to reconsider?

[LizK]

   Now I feel I'm being a drama queen again. Like I am asking that tired question "Am I trans enough?". Been there done that one already and it isn't a question of am I trans enough. I think I am trans, the evidence says I am.  But knowing something is true and feeling it are two different things. Therein lies my concerns.

   I don't know if you would call that a fear but it is there. I am feeling like I'm an imposter.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

How would feeling "trans enough"look to you? How would it manifest itself and what do you expect will be different from the way you feel now?

Self acceptance is the tough one here....It fuels my fear of not passing, it prevents me from moving forward and growing as a woman, it fuels my insecurities about who I am, it makes me susceptible to other criticisms, it leads to the "man in a dress" type feelings self acceptance takes time to accomplish and I suspect is a process just like the stages of grieving. One of things high on my priority list to deal with, right up there ahead of GCS is Self Acceptance...each day as I live who I really am, I feel better about myself, the world is not such a dark place.


Liz

[Shy]

   Now I feel I'm being a drama queen again. Like I am asking that tired question "Am I trans enough?". Been there done that one already and it isn't a question of am I trans enough. I think I am trans, the evidence says I am.  But knowing something is true and feeling it are two different things. Therein lies my concerns.

   I don't know if you would call that a fear but it is there. I am feeling like I'm an imposter.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

Often when you constantly look at your life through the magnifying glass of questioning a grain of sand will look like an unsurmountable mountain. Find your grain of sand young grasshopper, it's on a quiet beach hugged by gently lapping waves and the most beautiful sunrise you can imagine

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[KathyLauren]

Why don't I feel like I am a woman? I don't think that I believe I am woman.

I know this doubt well, Laurie.  It is my one remaining source of doubt.

Someone once posted a thread asking whether we experienced ourselves as male or female in our dreams.  And I had to answer "no".  I don't experience myself as male or female either in my dreams or even in my waking life.  My experience of identity is not male or female; it is simply me.

We get used to telling cis folks that trans people are just part of the diversity of humanity.  We sometimes forget about the breadth of diversity within the trans community itself.  Some people feel their gender strongly; some feel it weakly or not at all.  There is no right or wrong way to be trans.

The lucky kids who feel their gender strongly get to insist on expressing it at a young enough age that they can transition early.  I envy them.  Those of us who feel gender weakly or not at all carry on through life trying to fit into the gender we were assigned.  Eventually our need to express the gender that is inherent in us but that we can't feel starts to make itself felt through compulsive cross-dressing or other manifestations.  Reluctantly, we admit that we must be trans.

I can't see ultraviolet light, yet I know it is there because I can see and feel its manifestations.  In the same way, I know that my identity is female not because I can feel it directly, but because I can detect its manifestations.  So when I have doubts about whether I "really am" female, I just remind myself of all the other reasons I know it to be true: my need to express femininity through clothing, my unbridled joy when I go out in public as myself (I never felt joy before, ever), all the signs I remember from my younger days that only make sense in the light of being trans.

So, just as I know that ultraviolet light exists even though I can't see it, I know that I am female even though I don't feel it.

[coldHeart]

I,m shore your be fine Jeanette your one of the strongest women on this site.

[JeanetteLW]

Thanks Hon,
I'm just battling the usual. Unfortunately a change in the weather to a winter pattern seems to have triggered a lot of joint pain, particularly in my shoulders that were of course immobilised for 13 hours during the surgery. I also had a hundred odd stitches where my neck was reconnected to my torso and I swear that the little tykes take it in turn to pull and contract in some bizarre symphonic orchestration.

I'm not trans enough. I'm not really female enough. I'm not .....enough.
This is all a very normal acceptance pattern and not something to be scared of but something to think through in a logical and in an emotional way. Yes that doesn't sound very logical, bringing emotion into the decision, but our psyche is a complex beast and works away using all the circuits it can access.

Let us examine a separate problem. My first CTs, MRIs and PET came back showing that my trachea was about 40% occluded by a tumour and surgical removal of the larynx was the only cause of action. I refused. I'm an oncologist (science), OK not in H&N but I treat lymphoma and leukaemia and I'm an acknowledged expert in my field. I insisted that chemoradiation would be curative. I was put through what was described by my treating team as 'a brutal chemoradiation regime'.

It didn't work. The only person who was surprised by that was I and to be honest I wasn't really surprised, I was just unwilling to accept someone else opinion about the most precious thing I have. My life.

When it then came to the crunch the offer was very simple. My life will finish in 6-12 months and it will not be a nice 6-12 months, or radical surgery and 50% chance of survival >5 years.

Faced with that I decided that even though I am one of the most pigheaded, self driven and determined people I have come across that maybe, just maybe, other people may have an opinion about me that is valid. The rest is history.

So how does this fit in with your gender issue? Everyone who has the ability to make an informed opinion agrees that you fit the very typical pattern of a transgender female. You don't accept that. However you are happy to accept that your private life is more comfortable and relaxed while living as female. You acknowledge that your mental well being and general happiness has improved with acceptance of you as female; as long as you don't accept the premise of 'I'm a female'.
You have been out in public as a female and found it frightening but satisfying; you accept that during those outings people accepted you as a female and that did not revolt you, rather it pleased you; as long as you don't have to accept that you are female. You have been readily 'cajoled' into pushing your boundaries, while all the time you knew that you did not need to, but you did so - as long as you did not have to admit that you are female.

Now I have a question. If you were a man would you have done any of this? 

Maybe, just maybe, others with some sort of experience in the area may have a valid opinion and it may be time to reconsider?

  Thank you Cindy, it looks like you have gotten my number and know where my head is at. Reading your response brought tears to my eyes for some reason. I don't quite know. Since I couldn't see right anymore to respond last night I signed out and went to bed.
  I think part of the tears are because I've become attached to you probably due to our shared experience battling with cancer. Your determined attitude that you will not let it win is awesome and inspiring. Then there is your penchant for cajoling new members into doing things to help accept themselves for who they are. And then there is your inciteful pep talks that touch a chord within your victim and moves them to tears.

  Love you Cindy and Thank you,
    Laurie