Here I go again :-(

[JeanetteLW]

How would feeling "trans enough"look to you? How would it manifest itself and what do you expect will be different from the way you feel now?

Self acceptance is the tough one here....It fuels my fear of not passing, it prevents me from moving forward and growing as a woman, it fuels my insecurities about who I am, it makes me susceptible to other criticisms, it leads to the "man in a dress" type feelings self acceptance takes time to accomplish and I suspect is a process just like the stages of grieving. One of things high on my priority list to deal with, right up there ahead of GCS is Self Acceptance...each day as I live who I really am, I feel better about myself, the world is not such a dark place.


Liz

   It is self acceptance I am struggling with Liz.  It isn't the "Am I trans enough?" question, I am trans, I know that. And I know I am insecure about being seen in public. I even am okay with knowing I may never be able to pass. I am sure I can overcome those issues once all my "must tells" are told. It is just a matter of doing it and getting comfortable with been in public en femme. I am my problem.

  I never figured you for having acceptance problems Liz. You are so confident in your posts and actions you relate that it is hard for me to believe. I also think of you as being further along in your journey than you are because of what you say and do. Perhaps I give you more credit than is warranted and need to remember you are just like me only a few more steps dow the road. ((( Hugs ))) Liz. Like Cindy, I value your opinion and help.

  There are many ladies here I have a special fondness for and thank for help me with my ups and downs. I am sure if I tried to name them I would  miss a few, so I won't try. I love and thank you all.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[JeanetteLW]

Often when you constantly look at your life through the magnifying glass of questioning a grain of sand will look like an unsurmountable mountain. Find your grain of sand young grasshopper, it's on a quiet beach hugged by gently lapping waves and the most beautiful sunrise you can imagine

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

  Thank you Sadie,
 
    I'm looking, really I am but sometime the hole seems like it is getting awful deep as I examine each grain and reject it. LOL  I'm working on it Sadie, really I am. I've got another appointment with my therapist on the 9th. I think I have my talking point for this session.

Hugs for Sadie  (what is this a charity slogan?)
   Laurie

[Michelle_P]

The lack of self-acceptance may be the hardest single thing we have to overcome.  Many of us have been raised in and internalized a spectacularly transphobic culture, where "dudes in dresses" are the basis of whole classes of low comedy, and are seen as hilarious parodies of femininity.

It can be very difficult to get past this.   The therapy sessions help.  I found group therapy to actually be very useful, as I got to interact with others who had gotten past this and were obviously comfortable in their lives.  I'm also a member of a social support group, which has done everything from scheduling dinner events at a variety of restaurants, to meet ups, to arranging makeover sessions! (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge...).

[JeanetteLW]

I know this doubt well, Laurie.  It is my one remaining source of doubt....

So, just as I know that ultraviolet light exists even though I can't see it, I know that I am female even though I don't feel it.

  Kathy,
 
    Of the responses I've gotten, yours is the one that resonates the most with me. Perhaps we are kindred spirits.
"I know that I am female even though I don't feel it." That line says how I feel precisely. It was what I was trying to say.
  Cindy understands that the "proofs" I see haven't worked and tells me I need to accept them anyway.
  Liz, surprisingly to me share my self acceptance issues and lets me know I am not alone.
  Sadie tells me my problem is not as great as I perceive it to be and that life is beautiful if I just open my eyes to
    see the greater picture.
  Sara tells me I have the strength to overcome this and be okay.

  All are valued responses and each helps with their own messages. The support is wonderful. But your response Kathy is just how I feel.  I know but do not feel it.  I hope that as we go on that changes.
  I will continue to do all the things I need to do to be the woman I know I am inside and i hope that someday I will feel that woman in me. I don't really have a choice now do I. Never did, it just took me awhile to understand that.

Thank you Kathy. (((HUG)))
   Laurie

[JeanetteLW]

I,m shore your be fine Jeanette your one of the strongest women on this site.

  Thank you Sara,

    I sure do not feel strong when I struggle with my own demons. Sharing them here, with people like you, give me the strength and support to work through these trials.
    Thank you for your help, Sara. I'm glad you are here to lend me your support.

((Hugs))
   Laurie

[JeanetteLW]

The lack of self-acceptance may be the hardest single thing we have to overcome.  Many of us have been raised in and internalized a spectacularly transphobic culture, where "dudes in dresses" are the basis of whole classes of low comedy, and are seen as hilarious parodies of femininity.

It can be very difficult to get past this.   The therapy sessions help.  I found group therapy to actually be very useful, as I got to interact with others who had gotten past this and were obviously comfortable in their lives.  I'm also a member of a social support group, which has done everything from scheduling dinner events at a variety of restaurants, to meet ups, to arranging makeover sessions! (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge...).

  Hi Michelle,

   I envy you and your social life. I can see where it can be a huge help dealing with the issues we face. Susan's is my surrogate social life as I sit in my cave at my computer. Without Susan's I'm not sure where I would be now. No that isn't true, I would still be completely in the closet hiding in the shadows.
  Just look at what you all have done to me! You have me sneaking out to stores, a support meeting on a rainy night to see what it was like and to meet another trans-woman. You've gotten me to come out to my doctors, get my HRT legally, and seek therapy. You have helped me to come out to family and friends. My "must tell" list is about 3/4 complete most of them successfully. You have me thinking of doing more to physically look feminine.
   I have looked into support groups here and the two I have knowledge of are in places I an uncomfortable with. I'm looking south to Salem now. I am surprised there isn't more support for us here in Oregon.
   I have a therapy session on the 9th and think acceptance will be the likely topic.
   
  Makeover? What makeover? OUCH!! Dang it people you are leaving bruises with your nudging!

Luvs ya Michelle,
   Laurie

[davina61]

its just having the courage to make that first move and have a "don't care attitude" ,of course we all care about how we are perceived and how we get looked at BUT you have to push the boundaries and be a bit brazen and have a thick skin, if its what you want/need then no one should stop you. Its having the courage to go with your feelings but you must feel comfortable with what you do , step by step, as the saying goes softly, softly catch the monkey. That's the make over done with then , Sorry just kidding but that is one step to take 

[JeanetteLW]

  Thanks Davina,

   I saw that you wore those 2" heels to the track. You are doing that pushing the boundaries that you talk of little step by little step that is for sure. Proud of you for doing so too.
   Does your "a long time coming (out)"  Mean you are a Crosby, Stills and Nash fan? I was privileged to see them in concert years ago along with some unknown group called simply "the Band" (I knew even song they played) The concert was one of the best I ever saw.  Hendrix was the BEST.

  You people do know there are many cis-women that have never had a makeover, don't you?


  Lol and Hugs,
    Laurie

[HappyMoni]

To my friend with the two or three names,
   I have an analogy that may give a helpful perspective, emphasis on 'may.' You are a computer repair person by trade correct? (Sorry don't know the exact title of your job) After all the years doing your job it has become part of who you are. You might introduce yourself as a 'computer repair person." You know how it feels to do that job every day, all the  in's and out's. You are probably comfortable saying you are a computer repair person. Now think back to the first day on the job. You haven't lived that life yet, had all those experiences of repairing computers every day. You probably knew it was something that might be right for you, but there was maybe some doubt that it would work for you. Would you have been 100% comfortable saying' 'I'm a computer repair person' on your first day of the job? My guess is there was very little confidence at that point. Isn't it the same with saying you are a woman, feeling like a woman? You haven't had the experience of living as a woman yet. You haven't experienced the smell, the taste, the feel of being a woman. For some reason, you think you should feel that now. I have felt this very same thing. We have to let experience, let life play out a little for those feelings to settle in for us. Don't test your emotions on the first day on the job and expect to have the result be like you had worked it 30 years. It's a false test.
   My thought would be that it is something okay to ask yourself, but I wouldn't let it stress you out or stop you doing what you feel would be right for you. It is definitely not a test  to put yourself through.

   Your friend,
    Mon neeee

[LizK]

Hi Laurie

I just wanted to clarify that yes I do have problems with self acceptance still after nearly 2 years but the point I am making is this

Self acceptance does not come in a snap for most people it seems to come over a period of time and for me it really has come in steps. I am now so much better than I was 6 months ago...no way would I have even considered fulltime. But being fulltime has forced me to face a few of my self acceptance demons...What I describe above is more about how I felt as I began to go through this process but it is an accurate description of what happened without self acceptance. My therapist was the one who suggested that I needed to work on my self acceptance...she was right.

Self Acceptance takes time and encompasses many aspects...one of the things I really had trouble with was making my self acceptance dependant on other peoples acceptance. I hear some of  the younger girls here saying stuff like if I can't have X physical stuff then I won't transition...if they had a better level of self acceptance do you think the physical stuff would be as big an issue...

I am probably about 80-90% there...I very rarely have the blinding anger that used to come with the thoughts about being trans, I am no longer looking to blame anyone, I no longer constantly search my past for validation of who I am, I can go out into the public and hold my head up high as a proud and out trans woman...

then some days are just uuggghhh ....but those times and days happen with far less frequency than they did

My name is Liz and I am Trans....

When all else fails you....Fake it till you make it!

Liz

[HappyMoni]

Do I  get  any credit for not mentioning makeover.

Mon neee

Makeover, makeover, makeover!

[LizK]

Do I  get  any credit for not mentioning makeover.

Mon neee

Makeover, makeover, makeover!

Go Mon neeee

[HappyMoni]

Liz,

   Funny thing is, she thinks she is in control with the makeover thing. Silly girl. Heehee

Mon neee

[JeanetteLW]

To my friend with the two or three names,
   I have an analogy that may give a helpful perspective, emphasis on 'may.' You are a computer repair person by trade correct? (Sorry don't know the exact title of your job) After all the years doing your job it has become part of who you are. You might introduce yourself as a 'computer repair person." You know how it feels to do that job every day, all the  in's and out's. You are probably comfortable saying you are a computer repair person. Now think back to the first day on the job. You haven't lived that life yet, had all those experiences of repairing computers every day. You probably knew it was something that might be right for you, but there was maybe some doubt that it would work for you. Would you have been 100% comfortable saying' 'I'm a computer repair person' on your first day of the job? My guess is there was very little confidence at that point. Isn't it the same with saying you are a woman, feeling like a woman? You haven't had the experience of living as a woman yet. You haven't experienced the smell, the taste, the feel of being a woman. For some reason, you think you should feel that now. I have felt this very same thing. We have to let experience, let life play out a little for those feelings to settle in for us. Don't test your emotions on the first day on the job and expect to have the result be like you had worked it 30 years. It's a false test.
   My thought would be that it is something okay to ask yourself, but I wouldn't let it stress you out or stop you doing what you feel would be right for you. It is definitely not a test  to put yourself through.

   Your friend,
    Mon neeee

To my friend Mon neeee (someday may she learn how to pronounce her name properly),

    You do realize Mon neeee it is hard to remember that many years ago and how that you kid felt. After all it has been well over 40 years ago now. I started to disagree with you and your analogy and disagreeing almost works.
    That young kid went into the Navy with a goal in mind. He knew he was smart and he knew he wanted to be part of the future and the closest he figure he could get to being part of the future was to get into computers. He knew he wasn't a designer as he lacked the creativity need to do such things But he could think logically and problem solve. And he was right. He excelled in training and was one of the best in his class. He went to his ship confident that he could fix his equipment and he could. Some problems were hard be he didn't give up and he solved them even one that involved shipboard systems that discovered the problem lay in the wiring or a ship speed instrument that fed not only his equipment but also the ship fire control systems. But when he fixed the problem it threw off the missile guidance equipment and that was not a good thing. Some programmer had noted the problem when the fire control systems were installed and programed a fix instead of fixing the real problem. This meant the repair had to be undone as that solution was easier than reprogramming the fire control systems.
   What I am saying here is the kid was smart and confident in his abilities to such a point that it doesn't fit your analogy Mon neeee.  But them I remember oh about 4 years later when I got employment in the civilian world and then  your analogy does fit.
   After 7 weeks of training I was given the responsibility for maintaining 6 commercial sites
that had the system I had just been trained on. One of those I had been thrown out of with another technician the data processing manager did not like on my first visit to the site. The DP manager also was unhappy with to company I worked for at the time. I took me two full years to feel I could fix 90% of the problems with that system. I had a lot of help and became one of the better computer repair technicians in my region on the systems I got trained on.
   So yes, Mon neeee, your analogy does work. And thank you for putting things in perspective for me. That is one of the special things about this place, there are so many people who help you look at a problem is so many ways. Each with their own perspective and solution. Each help in their own special way.  Thank you.

  I was going to give you credit Mon neeee,  but then you had to mention it didn't you?  lol makeup? what about makeup? I don't understand.

(((Hugs)))) and thanks Mon neeee
  Laurie

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Laurie

  I just wanted to clarify that yes I do have problems with self acceptance still after nearly 2 years ....

I can go out into the public and hold my head up high as a proud and out trans woman...

then some days are just uuggghhh ....but those times and days happen with far less frequency than they did

My name is Liz and I am Trans....

When all else fails you....Fake it till you make it!

Liz

  Hi Liz,

There are very few people that have the ability to touch the strings of my soul. You seem to be one of them. Cindy is another. That cis-woman in Missouri is another. I don't know what it is about the three of you, you can cause the tears to well up in my eyes and roll down my cheeks.  Your last post about acceptance did that. I can't say why as the words don't seem to be so special in themselves. Perhaps it is that you were sharing a special private part of yourself with me. Again I don't know why.
  With Cindy I think is is the cancer experience that has made me feel so close to her. I know some of the things she has had to go through with it. Our cancers are different the life and death issues are the same. We have had to face our mortality and fight to live against the odds. I think she knows what I mean.
   That woman in Missouri can bring me to tears without words. I know she loves me unconditionally as I am. She once gave me a ride to the hospital, went into the back room with me like she belonged there. while I was prepped for surgery and she stayed with me until I was taken into the operating room. To her I was family and her place was there by my side. She has never not been by my side even when she's 2000 miles away.

   I hope you know I am crying again as I write this. You three and a couple other touch my soul.

  Thank you,
     Laurie

[JeanetteLW]

Liz,

   Funny thing is, she thinks she is in control with the makeover thing. Silly girl. Heehee

Mon neee

    I am.  There are no makeovers after dark and I'm not going outside in broad day light all gussied up!

  (psssst Hey Liz, did you see she can't even spell her name right anymore? I've gotten her so confused...)

  Hugs,
     Laurie

   

[LizK]

    I am.  There are no makeovers after dark and I'm not going outside in broad day light all gussied up!

  (psssst Hey Liz, did you see she can't even spell her name right anymore? I've gotten her so confused...)

  Hugs,
     Laurie

Ok maybe we are looking at this backward...maybe you need the mountain to come to you


Makeover party at Laurie's place!!!

[JeanetteLW]

Ok maybe we are looking at this backward...maybe you need the mountain to come to you


Makeover party at Laurie's place!!!

       O.   M.    G.    !


  Just whose side are you on Liz?  Oh wait I remember.

[HappyMoni]

    I am.  There are no makeovers after dark and I'm not going outside in broad day light all gussied up!

  (psssst Hey Liz, did you see she can't even spell her name right anymore? I've gotten her so confused...)

  Hugs,
     Laurie

Hey Laurie, make sure you tell Jeanette that we should archive this first sentiment. One day she will look back and say, "Wow, look how far I have come. To think it all started with a makeover in my back yard. And wasn't I silly to argue with that wonderful Moni, pronounced Mon neeee." Yes it's history in the making.
Moni

[LizK]

Hey Laurie, make sure you tell Jeanette that we should archive this first sentiment. One day she will look back and say, "Wow, look how far I have come. To think it all started with a makeover in my back yard. And wasn't I silly to argue with that wonderful Moni, pronounced Mon neeee." Yes it's history in the making.
Moni

Love ya work Mon neeee