Here I go again :-(

[Janes Groove]

Sorry about that.  I hope you start feeling better.   Unfortunately tho it comes with the territory.  I have more that my share of WTF moments as well.  But all those squirrels all revolve around the same pole and keep coming back to it time and time again. i.e. we were born this way and it's never going away.  I found that the feelings tend to magnify whenever I take a step forward.  Those times really can be quite stressful.

Also, on a lighter note, congratulations on deciding to pursue face torture (more commonly known as electrolysis).  And just think of all the money you're going to wind up saving on shaving cream. It's crazy!

[davina61]

I get the "what the hell have I done" moments but it soon passes , just do some thing the new you likes as that works for me.

[HappyMoni]

Laurie,
   I figured out your problem. You haven't had me annoying you in a few days. I think if you stop switching your name you will feel better. You are probably having whiplash at this point. I can't even keep up with how to screw up your moniker any more. Or it could just be you are tired. When nothing seems good, it probably means you are tired. I believe your words to me recently were, "Suck it up!"  Give it a day or so. Wait, wait I have something profound to say. Here it comes... "It's a marathon, not a sprint." Okay, not so profound, but true.
Moni

[Dena]

It's possible your  testosterone levels have dropped to the level where you  have lost the strong feelings that you had before. Think about it and ask yourself if some of what you are feeling now is the result of a drop in your drive to transition. I have seen this happen with several members and some discontinued HRT resulting in a return of the dysphoria they felt before. It can be a serious issue and you should talk to your therapist about it. If I can help you with it, let me know.

[Laurie]

  Thank you all for being concerned.

  I'm fine, really just dumb thoughts popping up is all. I take a little break and my thread goes crazy. Thanks.
I spent the day in male mode. No earrings, polish is off. I almost clipped my nails but didn't. I did take my pills as usual.
I didn't feel weird in male mode but than I didn't expect to. It's not like I'm full time or anything. I've only been what 90% around the apartment for 3 weeks or so. But neither do I feel a need to be girly. 
  I had been toying with the idea of going to my GT appointment en femme tomorrow, but I don't think so now. It's like a switch turned off. I think I'm just in a funk. Like it doesn't really matter at the moment.
  Oh well. I don't want to stop so I'll put one foot in front of the other and carry on.

  Dena:
     I could think you had something there with you testosterone idea but I think mine were pretty low to begin with back in January. The ranges shown are for men. I'm dues for new labs on the 22nd.

  TESTOSTERONE, FREE AND WEAKLY BOUND   14   Low   ng/dL   84-402   
  TESTOSTERONE, FREE(CALC)     5   Low   pg/mL   34-194   
  TESTOSTERONE, TOTAL   0.7   Low   ng/mL   2.8-8
  ESTRADIOL   93.0   High   pg/mL   7.6-42.6

   I have no doubt things will get better soon, I'm okay.

  Hugs everyone,
    Laurie

 

[LizK]

  I had been toying with the idea of going to my GT appointment en femme tomorrow, but I don't think so now. It's like a switch turned off. I think I'm just in a funk. Like it doesn't really matter at the moment.
  Oh well. I don't want to stop so I'll put one foot in front of the other and carry on.

 

When I first began to venture out "en femme", one of the things I did was make a list of all those places I considered safe. By that I did I think I could go and sit there and wait for an appointment at a Drs office knowing I would not be ridiculed or discriminated against. The more I thought about it the more I thought there were other places I could feel safe so I began to compile a mental list.

Places like my Psychiatrists office, My therapists office, My Dr's office, the support group venue, the Hospital, My specialist office, Electrologist, etc etc these were all places I could go as me  Knowing I would be treated with respect and dignity. I figured if I was ever going to go full time I had to at least venture out to safe spaces...first of all quite androgynous with maybe nail polish and a little eyeliner or mascara.

Just small changes outwardly but constantly being more adventurous. I constantly pushed myself to try new things and see what I liked, still do a bit now....I understand how you are feeling but I wonder if you did a few things for yourself like you have been doing...nail polish etc maybe you would actually feel better for doing some "self pampering"...just a thought It is easy to "get caught up in the thick of the thin"

[p]

Hi Laurie, just dropping by to say hi! Love the new name--I think Laurie suits you really well. Great job making the call to the electrologist! Such a good step. Sitting here on my lunch break with 2 days of a 3-day beard and DEFINITELY can second that getting this done sooner rather than later is such a good call. Personally, I am beyond caring and don't conceal my beard--I am the bearded lady several days a week and if anyone doesn't like it, that's too bad for them. Since I do 2 1-hour sessions per week, I am basically always recovering from electro and growing out for my next session, so I have stopped all foundation/concealer to give my face a much needed break. I hope your appointments and therapy go well this week. We are all here to support you! Love, P 

[Laurie]

  I had been toying with the idea of going to my GT appointment en femme tomorrow, but I don't think so now. It's like a switch turned off. I think I'm just in a funk. Like it doesn't really matter at the moment.
 

  Hi again folks,

  Well so much for the above;



  That's how I went to my therapy appointment.  I feel so wishy washy now. I was getting ready to go this morning and decided I could go wearing my women's athletic shoes with purple laces and trim. Since they wouldn't be showing I could wear the pink and white no show Susan G Komen socks. (the pink trim does show when sitting through). I decided to wear a bra  as my boobs were going to be noticeable in a T-Shirt anyway. The I decided what the heck and put on my white turtle neck sweater. The my little CZ heart earrings. And maybe a touch of powder, then eye brow pencil, and a bit of neutral eye shadow, just s touch of mascara? Why not? Last a tiny bit of blush.  Oh heck just put on the wig.  Oh well I'm running later than I wanted to be so no time to take it all off and change close. Out the door I go. The only male I have on is my faded jeans.
   Oh yeah the meeting was good. He was pleased I came en femme for the first time and encouraged me to do it  more. He said I appeared comfortable dressed as I was meeting with him. He is going to put in a referral to the speech training people. Another therapy appointment made for the 30th.
  The lobby was packed again and a bit unnerving.

  I called the electrologist again and left another message. So tag she's it.

I think I'm doing a bit better today. Like I said.... squirrels, just those pesky squirrels.   I may even go pick up my friends from Missouri at the airport w/o changing. They haven't seen me dressed like this yet. Not sure I will though.

Hugs,
    Laurie

[davina61]

See do a bit of the new you and it works wonders, Liz put it better than I did (I was short of time) let the new you out and see what happens, that's mentally out

[Laurie]

  Thanks Liz, Davina and p.

  As you can see Liz, by my last post I sort of took your suggestion. I didn't intend to this time but I kind of got carried away and didn't have time to change back. Oh well, it worked out okay and I survived.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[KathyLauren]

Woo-hoo!  Way to go, girl!!  I am proud of you.    You look great, and what's more, you look like you feel great.

And another WTG for calling the electrologist.  You are on a roll!

[Laurie]

Woo-hoo!  Way to go, girl!!  I am proud of you.    You look great, and what's more, you look like you feel great.

And another WTG for calling the electrologist.  You are on a roll!

  Hey It's not my fault. I wasn't going to do it at all !! One thing just kinda led to another and I didn't have time to wash my face and change.
  And there's nothing but a game of tag going on with the electrologist.

  I have changed for the airport though. Didn't want to explain myself to My friend Peggy's grand kids just yet.

   Thanks Kathy. Hugs
    Laurie

[Rayna]

Yeah I went through a similar process last Saturday. Had an appointment to meet Jane Emily for lunch. I started with girl jeans, then added women's sandals. And a blouse. Well what the heck, put on a bra too. Ok at this point, foundation to cover the beard shadow, and since it's gone this far, top it all off with the wig.

We had a nice lunch and talk outside on the patio of a local restaurant. That was also my first public "outing" hehe to a regular restaurant. We got "ladied" ("Do you ladies need anything else?") which was generous of them in my case. Great experience, and nice to have a trans woman to share it with.
Randy

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[Laurie]

   
   You mean, Randy, I'm not the only one that accidentally gets dressed en femme to go somewhere and then wonders how that happened?
   Your outing sounds a lot more fun than mine was.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

[LizK]

I love it when a plan comes together 

[Rayna]

Squirrels. They're smarter than we think [emoji1] [emoji1]

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[Laurie]

I love it when a plan comes together 

Plan? hush Liz, just hush. I think it was witchcraft or that aborigine voodoo stuff you folks have down under. Don't you have a didgeridoo or waltzing with Matilda or something else to do? *sigh*

That or like Randy said... Squirrels, pesky squirrels

 

Squirrels. They're smarter than we think [emoji1] [emoji1]

  I swear I was not going to go dressed up this morning. It just happened.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[Shy]

Ah, the force is strong in this one "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to loose"(Yoda) And then zap those pesky squirrels.
You're looking great Laurie! Glad the therapy went well.
Speech training sounds fun! Repeat after me do, re, me, fa, so, la, ti, do.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[LizK]

Plan? hush Liz, just hush. I think it was witchcraft or that aborigine voodoo stuff you folks have down under. Don't you have a didgeridoo or waltzing with Matilda or something else to do? *sigh*

That or like Randy said... Squirrels, pesky squirrels

 
  I swear I was not going to go dressed up this morning. It just happened.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

Plant the seed and leave it to Laurie...that's all I did ...she was not going to let you out in grumpy old man mode...she just needed a little encouragement to shoot a few of those squirrels causing all the issues..

[Laurie]

Plant the seed and leave it to Laurie...that's all I did ...she was not going to let you out in grumpy old man mode...she just needed a little encouragement to shoot a few of those squirrels causing all the issues..

So now you're saying it was my doing all along are you? I like Sadie's explanation better. Yoda was a cute character.

Squirrel hunt!  .22, 30-06, or 12 gauge?

Hugs,
   Laurie