Laurie, I think we all want love and happiness.
It would be easy for me to say that my moving into transition cost me that, as my marriage ended, my ex refuses to see or even be in the same zip code as me, I lost my home, and I lost our family friends. But, I have to stop and reflect on this.
If someone loves us, can that love really be conditional? Can real, honest love be linked to our physical appearance? Is true love conditional on the shape of a few ounces of tissue, or a particular style of clothing?
While we seek happiness, can we find a truly deep state of joy and peace while in the grasp of suicidal depression and paralyzing anxiety? Would our treatment and care for our dysphoria and the resulting health issues keep us from finding joy and peace, or enable it?
Can we really say that we have love and happiness while hiding ourselves from the world and living in misery so we don't make others uncomfortable. Do others love us when they cannot tolerate our true selves?
I lost my family, my home, our friends, just as my ex had told me would happen. But, you know, the darndest thing happened next.
Instead of being alone, miserable, trapped in hiding while I transitioned, I reached out a little bit. I tried just living, as myself. I made contact with others. (Sound familiar?) Piece by piece, I built new friendships, new connections.
Oh, it wasn't easy or fun. I had many bad days there at the start. Folks here and elsewhere helped me out. There were hours of therapy time, long discussions with folks who had gone down similar paths. But ultimately, I could see that what I had been thinking of as a loss of everything was more like molting, shedding an old skin that I was outgrowing. My old life didn't fit any more. My loved ones who rejected me loved that dead skin, not me.
They can have it. I don't need it any more. The authentic me has rebuilt her life, perhaps even found love.
Laurie, you have to ask yourself those same questions now. Is the love you had, the happiness you had with regard to those who reject you, really worth keeping now that you know how shallow it was? Aren't you capable of forming new friendships and social connections? Isn't there a chance that you might even find love, with someone who accepts and loves your authentic self?
The past is immutable, done. For better or worse, it is what it is, and we can't change it. Spending our energy fretting about what has been, about the 'what ifs' and the 'if only' is a futile exercise. We spin our wheels and get nowhere.
We have to look forward from wherever we are, find the best path from our current situation to find our way to happiness, joy and peace.
On a road trip through life, we don't make much progress staring in the rear view mirror and driving in reverse. Get that life in 'Drive', look at the road ahead, and look out for curves. And interesting truck stops, of course. They might have pie. Or happiness.
