Here I go again :-(

[davina61]

Rise above it darling, worst thing is to drop to there level. Sounds like your ex has a big paddle , have you felt a sharp pain between your shoulders?

[Shy]

I need some nail polish advice Laurie. I kind of want to experiment with some pinks but there seems to be so many choices. I've always worn dark reds and purples, with brighter red in the summer. But now for some strange reason I want pink. I blame it on the hormones i'm not on I don't want nursing home pink just yet and barbie pink isn't me. See my quandary i'm in, too many choices, but I want pink. Any suggestions? I know you like the more classical polishes.
Feel free to ignore if you're not up to the Sadie pink challenge, I know you're having a rough patch and I wish I could help. I just don't know what to say other than I'm thinking of you and wish you all the joy and happiness you deserve.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Laurie]

Hi Sadie,

  Oh I'm okay. I just got home from an hour of torture above my upper lip. I'm feeling better for it. It Hurt! If I hadn't been crying before it would have been a perfect cover for my tears. Christina had asked me the wrong question. I guess I will have to be a little less open with her in the future. lol Well didn't I say earlier I was going for facial torture so I could have a better day? In spite of both kinds of hurt I do feel a little better for it. Christina said I did really good enduring the full hour  as she zapped and pulled mostly black hairs over my lip. I thought it hurt before  but this time was special torture. And now that she has started, she wants to do more there next time.

  Laurie

[Devlyn]

Big hug! You don't get to choose if and when she forgives you. You only get to choose if you want to accept the apology should it come.

My dad was a horrible angry drunk. We never got to the point of having a loving relationship. I never thought to go tell him it was okay he did such a pisspoor job raising me.

Food for thought.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Julia1996]

I need some nail polish advice Laurie. I kind of want to experiment with some pinks but there seems to be so many choices. I've always worn dark reds and purples, with brighter red in the summer. But now for some strange reason I want pink. I blame it on the hormones i'm not on I don't want nursing home pink just yet and barbie pink isn't me. See my quandary i'm in, too many choices, but I want pink. Any suggestions? I know you like the more classical polishes.
Feel free to ignore if you're not up to the Sadie pink challenge, I know you're having a rough patch and I wish I could help. I just don't know what to say other than I'm thinking of you and wish you all the joy and happiness you deserve.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

I have to ask, what is nursing home pink?  That cracked me up.lol

[Laurie]

I need some nail polish advice Laurie. I kind of want to experiment with some pinks but there seems to be so many choices. I've always worn dark reds and purples, with brighter red in the summer. But now for some strange reason I want pink. I blame it on the hormones i'm not on I don't want nursing home pink just yet and barbie pink isn't me. See my quandary i'm in, too many choices, but I want pink. Any suggestions? I know you like the more classical polishes.
Feel free to ignore if you're not up to the Sadie pink challenge, I know you're having a rough patch and I wish I could help. I just don't know what to say other than I'm thinking of you and wish you all the joy and happiness you deserve.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

   Thank you, Sadie,

   My favorite color is called Sheer Pink #64 by Kleancolor. It is in fact a sheer pink frost polish. that looks really nice. You have seen it before on my nails. I just ordered another bottle from Amazon along with 9 others in a 6 bottle set and a 3 bottle set. I have only tried the sheer pink of these 10 bottles. ( I'll post links to them below)

   Sally Hansen Hard as Nails Xtrene wear  do wear pretty well and I have 3 pinks in that line.  A darker pink one called Allbright # 259/178, A medium pink called Giant Peach #229, and a light pink called Tickled Pink #199.. I liked the medium one best of the three. All three are solid colors and therefore not among my favorites as I prefer frosts. I'm tempted by the metallics though I haven't tried them.

  Of course the best part about wearing nail polish is that I no longer need to hide wearing it. 

  I have sad news though. I broke enough of my pretty nails that I've had to cut them all short and begin the process of growing them out again.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Here are those links.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BTAIRCI/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00BRGR83S/ref=od_aui_detailpages00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01KE84HBA/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

[Laurie]

Well I suppose I should go try to get some more sleep. But 2 hours should have been enough right? I'm kidding.

  I need to get up a bit earlier than usual so I have time for coffee and breakfast before making myself beautiful for my first voice appointment at 9:30 am at the VA.

  Laurie has a surprise for a nice lady with the One Million Veterans Project after. It seems the lady made and appointment for Leonard yesterday to come see her. It might be a little fun.

  Hugs,
   Laurie

[Shy]

Thanks for the advice Laurie:) I knew you'd know come good, you have such classy nails when in full bloom. Off shopping today for my new pink phase.

Good luck with the continuing face torture saga. I know it HURTS, but it will be worth it in the end. I think the one Million project will have a nice surprise, being one in a million yourself

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Laurie]

Just some random thoughts.

  Yesterday while driving home I stopped at a red light next to a car with darker tinted windows. I gave it a glance and could tell there was someone in the back seat and someone in the front passenger seat. A short time later I got a better look at the three young ladies in the car because the windows were now down and it was obviously done to get better look at me in my pickup and yes it was obvious they had clocked me. I found it interesting it did not bother me at all. I am what I am. Now if I can only figure out what and who I am for myself. I haven't got time for their problems.

  I went to the VA today for my initial voice appointment. Erin is a nice younger woman (Sigh everyone is younger these days) I enjoyed just chatting a bit with her but eventually  let her do her job. I listened to her spiel and answered her questions, filled out 2 questionnaires, recorded my normal voice. (it has an average of 120hz), and submitted to having a thin probe snaked down my nose to video my vocal cords in action while intoning  Eeeeeeeees many times. (a numb throat is a weird sensation). She said everything looked normal and healthy and that my raspy sounding voice is due to  things being very tight when I speak.
  Next appointment is mid October and weekly sessions will start in November and are scheduled also. Along this thought I am getting too many appointments scheduled to keep them in my head. I have the one voice and another appointment on the 25 for my sister. 3 more for electrolysis and 5 already scheduled for November and will add 3 more electrolysis appointments. Somewhere in there I will also be scheduling appointments with my therapist. We are meeting about once every two weeks. I hate to say it but with all these annoyances scheduled and to be scheduled regularly it almost seems a plan. uggggh    I am begining to feel tethered, tied down, stuck. obligated.   

  Speaking of therapy. I have a session scheduled for tomorrow. He will ask me how I've been since my last visit two weeks ago. Two weeks ago I told him I was having a rough time over the problems with my daughter and we talked about that. This time I'm going to tell him I want to talk about depression and ask what he can do to help me. Last time on the way out he asked if I had thought about suicide and I answered "not seriously' This time I'm not going to lie to him. I'm tired of the tears and the hurt. I know it goes far deeper than my daughter. I've been depressed a long time ago and never took care of it. I just put it aside and didn't think of it. Not directly but the pain sneaks out in various ways. It's still there and it has returned with a vengeance. I cannot put it away this time. I've tried.
  I think I need help with it and I think I am ready to let someone help me.   

[JulieOnHerWay]

Damn, girl you are an inspiration.
Keep going to find the real Laurie.
So close to a haiku and cant do it. 

[Anne Blake]

Hi Laurie,

I am saddened by where you are, the suffering and pain, but I am very please with where you are going with it. First off, I am amazed at the maturity of your approach to the girls in the other car. So neat to be able to just let it go. Then you bring up how you are going to address your present and ongoing state with your therapist, wow, we are so proud of you girl! It will be tough and you know there are many here to lean on. Please use us to help you grow. Love you girl!

Tia Anne

[Laurie]

Thanks Julie I'm sorry to say I don't feel like an inspiration to anyone one at the moment.

Tia I'm just so tired of crying I'm ready to just give up. So I have to do something or give in.

[Megan.]

Thanks Julie I'm sorry to say I don't feel like an inspiration to anyone one at the moment.

Tia I'm just so tired of crying I'm ready to just give up. So I have to do something or give in.

"Never give up, never surrender!" (love that quote).
Being serious though,  I hid my own suicidal thoughts and plans from my therapist for several months,  she was shocked when I finally told her (the only time I've seen her visibly upset). But as with everything,  talking it through let's us move past it. It takes courage,  but you've got this [emoji6]. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Tommie_9]

Hi Laurie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I understand it. Being transgender is hard. Even if we get "so called" acceptance from some in our life, those people start to keep you at a distance. Unfortunately loss, grief and low self esteem are things we have to deal with somehow. I'm a miserable work in progress.

To make matters worse, I'm in relapse of a chronic illness, and I lost my job yesterday because of it. I lost my dad to suicide on August 13, and I'm not over that yet. I always called him when I was down and he picked me up. I wanted to call him yesterday, but he's not there any more. I have those thoughts, too, but I can't go there. Experiencing the shock, pain and grief of that and seeing how it affected the family has probably saved my life. I called my therapist yesterday, and she gave me this information. Please call them or reach out if it gets to be too much.

The Translifeline https://www.translifeline.org/ is a crisis line that is staffed by trans individuals. Also, there is a national hotline that has both call lines as well as online chat. Here is that info: 1-800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

I may try to put my best girl face on today and go window shopping at the Mall or something. I'll treat myself to some ice cream. If it doesn't cheer me up at least it will be a distraction for a while. I don't feel like going out, but I can't bear sitting around the house thinking about all this crap. Don't they say "misery loves company?" Let's hang in there together, girlfriend. We'll make it.

Love, Tommie 

[Kendra]

Tommie I am so sorry to hear of your irreplaceable loss a month ago and then your illness and job unraveling.  That is terrible, no other way to describe it.  You are strong to be able to write about it.  And even through all this you want to help others.

Laurie you are wise but on this one thing don't listen to yourself - you really are an inspiration.  I don't think you realize how many of us admire your determination mixed with just the right amount of spontaneous.  Who else jumps in their truck and drives coast to coast to meet a dozen Susan's members along the way?

That's why us girls have long eyelashes... more places to catch the tears.  And then we pick ourselves up and go conquer.  Even if you don't call a hotline or log in here we are always in this together.

[Laurie]

Hi Laurie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. I understand it. Being transgender is hard. Even if we get "so called" acceptance from some in our life, those people start to keep you at a distance. Unfortunately loss, grief and low self esteem are things we have to deal with somehow. I'm a miserable work in progress.

To make matters worse, I'm in relapse of a chronic illness, and I lost my job yesterday because of it. I lost my dad to suicide on August 13, and I'm not over that yet. I always called him when I was down and he picked me up. I wanted to call him yesterday, but he's not there any more. I have those thoughts, too, but I can't go there. Experiencing the shock, pain and grief of that and seeing how it affected the family has probably saved my life. I called my therapist yesterday, and she gave me this information. Please call them or reach out if it gets to be too much.

The Translifeline https://www.translifeline.org/ is a crisis line that is staffed by trans individuals. Also, there is a national hotline that has both call lines as well as online chat. Here is that info: 1-800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

I may try to put my best girl face on today and go window shopping at the Mall or something. I'll treat myself to some ice cream. If it doesn't cheer me up at least it will be a distraction for a while. I don't feel like going out, but I can't bear sitting around the house thinking about all this crap. Don't they say "misery loves company?" Let's hang in there together, girlfriend. We'll make it.

Love, Tommie 

  Ohh Tommie,

  Do I ever understand where you are. Your story above is sooooo close to the one that brought me to the brink of oblivion several times.  In my case it was my divorce, loss of my job of 18 years, and my Dad dying, all within six months. Of course these were just the bigger things. There were many smaller ones both before and after that pushed me to the point of sitting in a forest with a shotgun barrel in my mouth. I relate this to you Tommie not to compete with your own pain and grief, no, I tell you it to say I understand the pain. I know where your head is and where you can go with it. It encourages me that you called your therapist and have those numbers.
   I didn't call those numbers back then, I didn't have them and I could not have called them it I had had them. What I did do was to box up all that hurt and pain in my head and shove it into a dark corner. It took me about two years to do it and become functional again. That was back in 1994. Unfortunately I was damaged and the box leaked. I don't know if it was because of that time or if it started somewhere before. All I do know is that it always has been a problem letting anyone get close to me. Their/ your/ anyone's caring and/or love for me is almost a physical pain. I cannot accept it for fear of being hurt again. So I keep everyone at arms length and cannot reach out and embrace them myself. It's this old demon that has come out of the dark shadows to torment me again. This problems and loss of my daughter and grandchildren were the key to it's cage. It is out and has me in it's grasp again and I cannot put it away again.
   If it wasn't for you folks here and a few key others. I could easily be sitting in that forest again instead of sitting here thinking of what and how I am going to tell my therapist today. All of you have helped get me to this point, but there is one special woman here that has spent hours and hours putting up with me and working to get me to this point. She knows who she is and I have to thank her for it.
  So here I sit crying once again, Tommie. Don't let yourself get this low. Ignoring the hurt or setting it aside isn't not a solutions in the long run. It will help for a while but it will have a high cost for it and will only return sometime later to make you feel even worse. Get into your therapist and begin to heal, that is the only way we are going to banish that demon. You have to deal with yours as I have to finally deal with mine. I will be right there with you in spirit as many of you will be with me today. We have to start the healing process sometime and today is my start.

Hugs,
  Laurie
   

[Laurie]

Laurie you are wise but on this one thing don't listen to yourself - you really are an inspiration.  I don't think you realize how many of us admire your determination mixed with just the right amount of spontaneous.  Who else jumps in their truck and drives coast to coast to meet a dozen Susan's members along the way?

That's why us girls have long eyelashes... more places to catch the tears.  And then we pick ourselves up and go conquer.  Even if you don't call a hotline or log in here we are always in this together.

Kendra,

    I keep reading that I'm and inspiration, wise, admired or some such. Moni nailed it when she wrote, "You have inspire many. I know you may not believe it right now, but there are a lot of folks who strongly see your goodness." She 's right I don't see it, I don't believe it. I don't feel special in any way. I feel broken, wretched, undeserving and unlovable. If I felt otherwise I would be needing to ask  a psychologist for help today.
    I do thank you and everyone for thinking better of me. i do appreciate the caring and love everyone sends my way. If I wasn't broken I would welcome it and accept it. But as i am now I can only say thank you, thank you all.

Hugs, Laurie

[p]

Laurie, I am so glad that you are going to work on the depression with your therapist! Such a big step, and not an easy one. I hope you have a good appointment.

Tommie, sending lots of love your way--I am so sorry you are going through all of that. Your positive attitude is impressive and inspiring!

[Tommie_9]

Thank you Kendra and Laurie. Instead of going shopping this morning, I decided I needed some good spiritual vibes. I went to the Catawba Indian Nation Cultural Center and got a whole lot of love there. Being a two-spirit (transgender) person is special and not something to be ashamed of among most Native American tribes. I got my Indian girl on, got some big hugs, and I don't feel as depressed at the moment. I love you all! 

[Laurie]

Thank you Kendra and Laurie. Instead of going shopping this morning, I decided I needed some good spiritual vibes. I went to the Catawba Indian Nation Cultural Center and got a whole lot of love there. Being a two-spirit (transgender) person is special and not something to be ashamed of among most Native American tribes. I got my Indian girl on, got some big hugs, and I don't feel as depressed at the moment. I love you all! 

  Hi Tommie,

  I'm glad you feel a bit better  but I have to urge caution with it. I have had more ups and downs than a yo-yo recently. In fact I'm a little up atm though I had tears just a few minutes ago. I usually feel good when I am going to my therapy sessions making it difficult to convey just how bad I have been feeling.

Laurie, I am so glad that you are going to work on the depression with your therapist! Such a big step, and not an easy one. I hope you have a good appointment.

  Patti,

  Always my #1 Fan. Thank you Girl. I too hope my appointment goes well and i am able to get my state of mind across to him. If I cannot it will be a waste of his and my time. I'm not sure how I'm going to do it or what I'm going to say. But I know I have to do something.

Hugs,
   Laurie