Here I go again :-(

[Michelle_P]

Laurie, I think I understand your situation.  I was a bit like this a year ago, and improvement was pretty slow over several months, alas.  It is only recently, the past month or so, that I can see myself in a mirror as a woman, no more 'dude in a dress' whispers from the reptilian hindbrain where my self-image seems to live.  My understanding is that the self-image lags well behind our presentation, and the constant mismatches can deepen depression and discomfort with ourselves.

I don't quite know if this is in play with you, but it definitely bit me and I thought I'd offer that.

Your pics look really good, fully femme.  That hair, and that dress!  Oh, wow.  You're doing really well. 

I know that when what others say doesn't match that stale self-image, that we discount the others and unfortunately have internalized that stale self-image.  It just takes time...

You're going to do so well.  You really are.   Just hang in there, and let time (and HRT) do it's magic as you heal and grow into yourself.   I have confidence in you.

With love and respect,
Michelle P


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[Laurie]

Thank you Michelle,

  I think you may have been at least somewhat right  several weeks ago but I don't think it's that now.

[Laurie]

Today, or rather yesterday, was a pretty good day. Probably because my day was focused on dinner. first going to the store. then, food prep, and then 2 1/2 hours of cooking followed with eating and lastly cleaning up my mess.

[p]

Hi Laurie. I LOVE the pic you posted--you look so lovely! I must know, what was your 2 & 1/2 hour cooking project?! I love love love to cook--yesterday my big cooking project was Thai green curry. It turned out very good & the hubby and I stuffed ourselves silly. I am glad that you are hanging in there. I hope that you hear from the NP soon. Sending you lots of love and big hugs!!

[Laurie]

Hi Laurie. I LOVE the pic you posted--you look so lovely! I must know, what was your 2 & 1/2 hour cooking project?! I love love love to cook--yesterday my big cooking project was Thai green curry. It turned out very good & the hubby and I stuffed ourselves silly. I am glad that you are hanging in there. I hope that you hear from the NP soon. Sending you lots of love and big hugs!!

Hi Patti,

  Thank you for the compliment. My cooking project was cooking sweet & sour pork and pork fried rice from scratch for the first time. Following the recipes closely (I did make a couple minor modifications) one step at a time first making the rice as it could set a bit keeping it warm(I almost burnt it when I turned the wrong burner up high) and the going on to deep fry the pork for the sweet & sour. I'm sure cooking time could be cut some it you can cook different things simultaneously without getting confused.
  Pictures are in my post I made in the cooking dinner topic here Laurie"s sweet & sour pork and pork fried rice

  I got facial torture scheduled today and if the VA mental health department run true to form they'll call during it. But then I'm not holding my breath anymore on their calling. Today's electrolysis appointment is going to hurt a lot again as Christina will be continuing on my mustache area. But I like visiting her even if it hurts. If gives me someone to chat with. I get the feeling she actually cares about her clients.

  I got my ten new bottles of nail polish a couple days ago but my nails are all short and unkempt since I had to trim the long ones back to the length of the many broken ones. I'll paint them but they won't be nice as they had been. Do I sound lake a vain woman? lol. even my toe nails look like crap and need redoing but I can't get motivated to do them.

Well since this reply has taken a down hill turn I'll end it here. Thanks again Patty. Keep smiling and that hubby happy.

hugs,
  laurie

[Tommie_9]

  I got facial torture scheduled today and if the VA mental health department run true to form they'll call during it. But then I'm not holding my breath anymore on their calling. Today's electrolysis appointment is going to hurt a lot again as Christina will be continuing on my mustache area.

  I got my ten new bottles of nail polish a couple days ago but my nails are all short and unkempt since I had to trim the long ones back to the length of the many broken ones. I'll paint them but they won't be nice as they had been.

Ha, ha, Laurie! I feel your pain. My mustache area is finally cleared but it was shear torture. As far as painting my fingernails and toenails, I'm terrible at it. I keep my nails nice, but I slop on the polish and it looks awful! I'd be better off not painting them, and sometimes I just use clear polish, which is't as much fun. 

Much love and good vibes your way to have a great Tuesday!

Tommie

[p]

OMG, how did I miss the "what are you having for dinner?" thread?!?! I LOVE cooking--I am so excited to check that one out. Your dish looked so good--I have never tried Sweet & Sour. I imagine it's quite involved. Hope facial torture goes OK today!  P

[JulieOnHerWay]

Gee the sweet and sour looks so good.  And the Deep Dish(like the Marianna trench) pizza too.
Keep this up and my failed attempt at losing a few pounds will be lost just by looking.
The whole electrolysis thing is on my to-do list for some day.  Got other things to process first.  But you go girl, keep it up. 
Laurie,  I think you are OCD about nail polish.  It is cheaper than clothes or bags I guess.  But find a balance.  And I understand the whole toe thing.  OMG they are way down there. Almost to the floor. If at our age they would just come up here a little closer than they would get more attention.  Speaking of floors.  Trying to figure out how to install 1500 sf of new flooring from waist level.  Suggestions? 
I do read your in-depth daily blogging.  Great insights.
Hugs to you
Julie

   Pictures are in my post I made in the cooking dinner topic here Laurie"s sweet & sour pork and pork fried rice

  I got facial torture scheduled today and if the VA mental health department run true to form they'll call during it. But then I'm not holding my breath anymore on their calling.

  I got my ten new bottles of nail polish a couple days ago but my nails are all short and unkempt since I had to trim the long ones back to the length of the many broken ones. I'll paint them but they won't be nice as they had been. Do I sound lake a vain woman? lol. even my toe nails look like crap and need redoing but I can't get motivated to do them.
hugs,
laurie

[Laurie]

  Sorry I haven't been around for a couple days and still not sure I should be here yet. I've been kinda wrapped up in myself lately. I tried staying away from the problems commonly posted here. I was also hiding from my own by by isolating and doing my best to just ignore them. It seemed to be working. No crying and no feeling bad or having bad thoughts. Pretty much not feeling anything, kind of  numb, not caring about anything. It's preferable to what I was feeling before.

[Megan.]

You've been missed,  but never say sorry for looking after your own health, that's got to be priority for you,  and we insist it is! X

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[p]

Take the time & space that you need, Laurie. You think us nags are going anywhere?!?! No way girl, we are here to bother you until kingdom come. Big hugs!!! 

[Shy]

  Sorry I haven't been around for a couple days and still not sure I should be here yet. I've been kinda wrapped up in myself lately. I tried staying away from the problems commonly posted here. I was also hiding from my own by by isolating and doing my best to just ignore them. It seemed to be working. No crying and no feeling bad or having bad thoughts. Pretty much not feeling anything, kind of  numb, not caring about anything. It's preferable to what I was feeling before.

It's kind of how I've been feeling Laurie, too much introspection isn't good when you're depressed. My solution so far is to just get on with life, keeping busy doing the things I enjoy and not pandering to the things I don't. You are what you eat so to speak. At the end of the day we all deserve the right to be happy on whichever path we choose to follow.
You have a big heart Laurie, time to spread some of that love on yourself. Be well.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie.

[Laurie]

Thank you Megan, Patti, and Sadie for the responses.

  I have caught up on some sleep. After taking a muscle relaxer yesterday I crawled into bed about 6:30pm and went to sleep. I woke several times until could not go back to sleep again about 1am. At 1:45 I gave up and got up and bothered Liz until way past here bedtime. I woke from my 3rd nap of the day just about a half hour ago.
  It was the last of the pills I had here so yesterday I asked my GP if I could get some more. They work really well for a sleep aid and usually affect me for about a day and a half. When I checked my mail today the new one were here already. Anyway I got some sleep. More than I've had in a long time. So physically I feel better than I have been. And I got more pills should I need them again.

[davina61]

Glad your getting sorted, just don't rely on the pills to much. Hugs again

[Laurie]

Glad your getting sorted, just don't rely on the pills to much. Hugs again

I don't know about getting sorted, but I am getting some sleep.

[Drexy/Drex]

Sleep is good... I know how you feel with 😴  deprivation but take it easy with those 💊 's natural sleep is better for you 😊

[Laurie]

  Thank you Markie and Davina for the warnings re: the pills.  These are muscle relaxers with the side effect of kicking my butt and making me tired so I sleep. The last 30 I got lasted me 9 months. I was a drug abuser about 20 years ago so I know the hazard and these are not of the risky type. LOL My GP never gives me the good stuff.
  That being said I did take another and slept most of the day and evening away. I've slept enough having wakened abruptly from the last one about 3am with my heart racing and angry and frustrated at them same time. I had a dream. The kind I usually have when I dream. A nightmare. This one had all my favorite components in it. cars, guns, dressing, a nasty angry ex wife being a bitch to me and a new one. My daughter has made it into my nightmares with her mother. Great huh? Just the way I want to think of my daughter. I hate dreaming. 
   I'd had enough  sleep for awhile. I got up and it took a little while to calm down. Sadly Liz was up too so she took the brunt of my cool down. Sorry Liz.  In a way it serves her right because she is always telling me i need to get enough sleep time to dream. Well I did. I'm good with short naps

[davina61]

I did mean sleep, dreaming ,yes have had a few odd ones lately which I find strange as don't normally remember dreams. Lets hope it helps your brain sort itself out.

[p]

Hi Laurie, glad you have been getting some more sleep lately. I know what you mean about the nightmares--I have been having a ton of panicked nightmares lately. Some of them are truly gruesome and horrifying experiences. Even the more manageable ones involve some element of constant anxiety or frustration.

I just visited a local group for the first time in a few months, and I must say that it did me a world of good to go and see a room full of trans people who are at various points along their respective paths and to hear from them. I also ended up eating with someone I really admire from the group and it seems like we are going to start hanging out a little bit socially. She is a trans girl about my age. The experience really made me wonder, Why did I stay away from that group for so long? I know it was partly because I felt like it was a hassle to go and I didn't want to give up my free time. But I am so so glad that I did, and there is something special about connecting with people in person (at least for me).

I am always thinking of you & rooting for you, Laurie! XOXOXO 

[Laurie]

... there is something special about connecting with people in person (at least for me).

I am always thinking of you & rooting for you, Laurie! XOXOXO 

  Thank you for being there for me Patti. I couldn't expect anything less from my Number 1 fan now could I? And I have to agree with you "there is something special about connecting with people in person" and I have met with some of the finest ladies ever.

  No relaxer pill yesterday so my sleep last night was back to normal, about 3 1/2 hours. Today was a bit of a rough one this afternoon for several hours but I okay for now.

Love ya all,
  Laurie