Here I go again :-(

[Kendra]

Wow Laurie - this is incredible, and so great.  Literally dreaming as a woman, in your dreams... that is something I aspire to. 

[Megan.]

Those sound like wonderful dreams,  lucky girl!

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[Laurie]

*sigh*  My sleep last night was anything but restful as it was very broken again and I woke still tired.  I also didn't mention that I think I still have a bit of residual left from my mild migraine  two days ago though it could be the befuddlement of medication. But I think it is the former.

[Megan.]

I guess there is no road in the world that doesn't have the odd pothole; I'm sure some smoother tarmac lies ahead. X

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[p]

Hi Laurie! I am so glad to hear that you got an uninterrupted 6 hours the other night--that is a lot for you! I understand it was back to interrupted sleep last night but good to mark the little milestones. I am happy for you that you were a girl in your dream! I am Patricia in my dreams now, and it's so nice. I am not a cis woman but I am the new me and not the old me. Also good news that the darker thoughts have been at bay. I am rooting for you always, Laurie! Big hugs.

[Laurie]

Well it's been another week since the last update and I guess I should say something. There really isn't much of note to talk about. It has been 12 days now since I have thought about ways to accomplish my demise so I guess the magic pills are doing something. That foggy head feeling I spoke of also seems to be from the medication as it is still a morning thing fading as the day goes on. (I take it at night before bed) I met with the psyche nurse and she wants me to continue at my current for another 11 days then it doubles again. She tells me they are not yet doing what they should be for me as I am still depressed. probably because I told her that even though I'm not currently thinking of my demise I do not see a reason to continue on either. I feel my life has lost a purpose to keep living. I could die now or at anytime and it wouldn't matter. It would be an end to the hurt and pain I can now feel again. Another benefit of those pills. I don't seem to have the numbness I had anymore. I read and write PMs to friends and posts that I can relate to on a heart felt level and silent tears run down my cheeks. I don't like these feelings. I'd rather be numb or just not here. I am still getting more sleep though it is still broken and sometime troublesome to get back to sleep. Something has awaken those damn squirrels in my head again.
   I think things are improving though. My posts seem to be more bright now. A little lighter in tone and more encouraging. It's like there's two of me, one getting better and the other stuck in gloom and despair. I think the lighter one is an imposter, a fantasy and the gloomy one is real, a shell of what I was, empty and worthless. I'm still here but I don't know why nor do I want to be here.
   I 'm rambling. It isn't good when I'm left alone with my thoughts and a platform to express them on. But it's my thread and they are my thoughts no one needs read it. Maybe in a day or two I'll read it and wonder why I put these words here. Perhaps I'll decide to delete them because they sound stupid or pathetic. Or perhaps I'll agree with them. Perhaps I'll read them someday and see how far I've come from where I am.

[Megan.]

Thank you for the update, yours are the ones I await most eagerly,  for good or bad,  they are your truth, and that matters.

I have certainly noticed a change in the tone of your posts on the forum for the better, so I can only take that as a positive sign.

Otherwise keep working at it. We remain your loyal friends and readership [emoji4]. X

P.s.  Maybe get a dog to take care of those squirrels?

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[Jayne01]

Hey Laurie, I am glad you are feeling better. The posts you have made in my thread and others are always thoughtful and very much appreciated. You are a very kind and caring person. I can relate to what you say about there being two of you. I had felt the same not so long ago. The happy me could not comprehend how I could possibly ever become so depressed. For a while I was even worried that I might have some kind of split personality disorder. My therapist assured me that I don't and that is just what depression does to you. Hang in there. You are getting better. The happy you will start to hang around for longer periods and the gloomy you will feel less gloomy.

Don't delete your post. Like you said, they are your thoughts and your thread and are absolutely not stupid or pathetic. It is a reflection of how you are feeling at this moment. Future posts will be happier or maybe gloomier, either way your feelings are valid and we are here to support you. I read your thread regardless of what you have to say because you are a good person and I am interested in how you are feeling, good or bad.

Take good care of yourself.

Jayne

[MaryT]

We like reading your posts, rambling or not.  You are doing a fine thing for us, and I hope that in the future you will be able to feel joy and satisfaction.

[Michelle_P]

Laurie, I'm just glad to read that things are improving.  Biological changes whether for mental state or our body tend to be slow, and we need so much patience.

Meanwhile, there are cookies...

[Laurie]

  Cookies will have to wait. I have a whole mincemeat pie to eat. (5 slices left). I've heard it's good for my blood glucose levels.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[davina61]

Glad you are feeling a bit better, BTW theres a hug coming your way

[p]

Hi Laurie! It seems like things are progressing pretty well with your treatment. I am so happy that you are sticking with the program and giving yourself some time for the meds and therapy to work. It is by no means a short journey. Sending all my love to you, Laurie!!! 

[Kendra]

Laurie, long overdue for me to make the drive over and give you a hug.  And ladies here in England and Wales who have put up with me the past couple days are also sending hugs to you for when I return.  Expect to get the heck squeezed out of ya.

[steph2.0]

Laurie, long overdue for me to make the drive over and give you a hug.  And ladies here in England and Wales who have put up with me the past couple days are also sending hugs to you for when I return.  Expect to get the heck squeezed out of ya.

Kendra, please give her a squeeze from me, too!

Steph

[Laurie]

Laurie, long overdue for me to make the drive over and give you a hug.  And ladies here in England and Wales who have put up with me the past couple days are also sending hugs to you for when I return.  Expect to get the heck squeezed out of ya.

   Kendra and ladies,

   Reactions first a chuckle then silent tears.  Thanks for the chuckle, I appreciate the concerns and affection.

[Georgette]

Laurie
Good to hear that things are going well with you.

I have been on/off busy for the last month or so.  The usual going out and a two week trip to Florida to visit my Father, age 92, and sister and brother-in-law.
My father is getting more and more senile.  He is living with my sister for now, can't trust him by himself or driving anymore.

I decided back in OCT to see a therapist myself.  She is not a doctor but just a therapist.  Not for any gender related issues.  Ever since my partner died my libido as skyrocketed.  With my aging, now 67, and basically being a Postmenopausal woman hormone wise.  My sex life and such had slowed down to almost nothing, but after her death all the old wants are returning.

It has been interesting chatting with her.  Helpful to compare my sex and body issues with a female from birth, she is 48 so a young person still.  She has given me some homework.  My issues of working through my partners death and cleaning out her stuff.

Since having been made to see Psychiatrists since young, never been a big proponent of Psycho-therapy in general, but my discussions with two very close friends, a pre- MtF TS and a MtF CD, does not give me enough feedback.

I have been reading all the posts here in your thread every week or so.

[Laurie]

Hi Georgette,

  It is always nice to hear from you and I appreciate you taking an interest in how I'm doing. I am heartened to read you are seeking help yourself. Sometimes just having someone to listen and understand helps. That's pretty much what I have with my therapist. I'm not sure what to think of you possibly cutting back on your nights out with the girls. It would ruin my visual of you as a party animal. I'm not sure I could deal with that Lady.  But you do need to work on the acceptance that your partner has passed on. You can't let it keep affecting your life like you infer it has. ((Hug)) I  think I can understand your loss and I know it is difficult.
  I met with my therapist again today. I think I have a fair grasp of what my problems are now, but when it comes to overcoming them I'm still at a loss. Loss is one of my problems because I feel I have lost everything that I held important in my life and I have no motive or desire to continue on. I don't like who I am and see wreckage everywhere I look in my past. It's pretty sad when the good new is that you aren't thinking of ways to end your existence but that's my reality. I attribute the "improvement" to the antidepressant starting to work, and therefore artificial. I guess the idea is to give me time to find a good reason to want to live. No one thinks this is going to be accomplished anytime soon. My pill pusher (Psyche nurse) has given me the impression I'll be needing the pills for more than a year and my therapist has also intimated the same. As a nephew used to say "I have issues" lol
  I hope your trip to see family was good in spite of the sad state of you father. Old age can be hard all the whole family. I still cannot see how you can live where you do. It was causing me stress in the short time I was there and I had to get away. I feel a little guilty for not being able to stay around and meet with you. But I did enjoy the talk we had on the phone.  I hope all improves for you Georgette.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Laurie]

Hi Folks,

   Something I forgot. Yesterday I arrived for my therapy appointment and went to check in. To do so I show my VA ID and tell the lady the first letter of my last name and the last 4 digits of my social security number because That's how they keep the records. The record comes up and she says are you W****** and suddenly she gets a strange look on her face as if something is wrong. I responded "Yes, that's me I go by Laurie now. I don't look much like a Leonard anymore"  To which she says "No you don't look like a Leonard"
   Then the next problem arose It seems I has put the appointment into my for for an hour earlier than it was scheduled for. I decided to you the hour trying to talk to the enrollment office about a benefit change but after 55 minutes of waiting for my turn I had to return for my therapy appointment.
   As for the session itself, it was an hour of talk centered around how I am currently feeling bad about myself and my apathy towards my transition. IE my depression. It's good that I am no longer thinking of methods for my demise, (which I attribute to the meds rather than an attitude change on my part) but I am having a hard time seeing why I shouldn't. What it comes do to is, I don't want to be here.

Laurie

[Kendra]

Laurie you have soooo much going for you.  You really do.  As for wanting to be here and enjoy life: if a twin of yours was going through exactly the same thing, what would your advice be to her?  You know the answer... you would tell her to see the positive, look forward to better days, accept the fact many people really do care deeply about her and minimize those who don't care. 

And ya ain't gonna change my mind.  You are a beautiful person and need to get back to that great smile I saw on your face this summer.