Here I go again :-(

[Jayne01]

Laurie, believe it or not, I have been where you are. I had lost hope and was just going through the motions waiting for the end. Several times I even tried to take a short cut to that end. One day, something came over me and I said to myself "Enough is enough!" I had people that care about me even when I didn't. I felt that I needed to at least try and make an effort to make peace with who I am. At first, it took a considerable effort because I couldn't just flip a switch and start liking myself. But I am stubborn, so I continued to try and find small things about myself that I didn't hate. I still didn't like myself, I was only finding things that I hated less than others. Eventually, I started to find some parts of me that I liked (as a person, not physically). Slowly, more and more of me became likeable and I broke free from the grips of depression.

You may have given up hope, and claim you don't even want hope. I have not given up on you and will not be giving up on you.

You are a good person, Laurie. You have a big heart, always willing to help others even when you are in a bad personal space. Give yourself a chance. Be kind to yourself and you might start seeing the same awesome person I and everyone else here sees.

(((HUG))), [[[SLAP!!!]]], (((HUG)))

I don't know whether to hug you or slap you, so you got both. You said you feel broken. Let your friends help get you unbroken.

Jayne

[Sarah_P]

Again Laurie, we all love you, and are ready whenever needed to slap some sense into you. 

[Michelle_P]

I keep thinking I need to take a trip north.  I don't know why.  Perhaps it is the siren song of Powell's Books, or a craving for specialty coffees.  Or the honey badgers are eager to find new hunting grounds...

I'll figure it out eventually.

[Sephirah]

  And Sephirah, You know what I think about what you have to say. You talk with your heart in every post you make. I know that you understand and I am sorry that you do. Still you hold hope out to everyone you talk to. You try to do that with me but I don't have hope. Whats worse I don't even want that hope you offer. I'm afraid what I want is an end. I just don't know when but I'll welcome it when it comes. In the mean time I try not to think too much about it but like the post above sometime it just comes out. Susan's gives me distraction. Something to do while I wait that keeps me from the hurt I feel. I feel broken beyond repair. I just want an end.

You're right, Laurie, I do speak from my heart. I don't know any other way to be. I say what I believe. I don't believe anything, or anyone, is a lost cause. And that includes you. And the more I read your posts to other people, the more I believe that. I've seen how you are with people. That light inside you isn't gone. It isn't gone at all.

You remember what I said to you about the void? I was wrong. It isn't that. It's an eclipse. That's the feeling I get from you. I can see the light shining out from you, touching others, and showing them the warmth, care, and gentleness you have inside you. The patience and tolerance... the understanding and empathy. I know it's there.

But you have a big shadow over your own heart, sweetie. Which stops that light shining through to yourself. Right there in the middle of yourself. Your light shines out everywhere else, but not in the middle. Not in yourself.

What you have to understand is that this shadow isn't you. It isn't who you are. I've seen the kind of person you are, from how you are with others. Actions speak louder than words. And sometimes it takes people on the outside to see what we can't see ourselves. It takes an outside perspective to show us everything we've blinded ourselves to, with all the self-hate and the resignation.

I do speak from my heart and my heart tells me that you're someone who's in a lot of pain, feeling a lot of guilt, and blaming herself for a lot of things. Some of which may be misplaced. Sweetie, mental pain is no different, really, from physical pain. It's an indicator that part of us needs to heal.

You aren't broken beyond repair, sweetie. In all honesty, if someone truly didn't care, then they wouldn't care what happened to anyone else, either. But you do. Your compassion, your love, heart and soul is there for all to see. All except you. But that is something that isn't beyond being fixed, Laurie. It isn't. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I am saying it is possible. I'm kinda proof of that, lol.

Depression isn't you anymore than the guy you tried, unsuccessfully, to be for so many years. It isn't. It's something that happens to you. And something you can deal with. You didn't give up with that, so I know you have more steel in your soul than you maybe think you do. And I believe you can get past this.

As much as you may not want to hear this, I have to say it anyway. You have so much to offer, Laurie. So much inside you to make this world a better place. For a lot of people, including yourself. You certainly made me not feel quite so out of place and apprehensive when I came back here. And for that, I thank you.

You can beat this, sweetie. And, well, I'm sorry but I'm going to keep annoying you with my optimism, so you may as well get used to it, missy.

I believe in you. And I still hope that one day you will believe in yourself. *extra big hug*

[Jayne01]

Laurie, what Sephirah said!!! ^^^^^^^^
I ain't giving up on you either sister, so get used to that as well.

(((HUG)))

Jayne

[Stevi]

Laurie,

It pains me to see you going through what you are going through.  As others have observed, I, too, see a beautiful, loving soul in you.  I think the metaphor of an eclipse, an total eclipse the soul, if you will, is most apt.  Kindness and hope radiate from you.  Just not within.

I have told you before about some similarity in our situations in that my daughter saw fit to cast me aside. When that happened to me, I went into a deep, debilitating depression.  To get through it all, I took antidepressants.  They helped me cope.  But eventually, several years, I found that, although the hurt had not gone away, it was no long ever present.  It had receded into the background.  Meanwhile, the antidepressants were still doing their thing.  But antidepressants are not pro-exhilarators.  So, after sometime, while I did not hurt too badly too often, I mostly just felt numb.  Not dead. Not alive.  Not really wanting to be dead but not enthusiatic about living either.  So, eventually, I stopped the antidepressants and started feeling the life within.  I still, to this day, have pangs of hurt on occasion.  As long as I live, the hurt will only be one thought away.  It is just no longer ever-present.  Other thoughts and concerns have won their need for my attention.  Beginning to live again has accelerated the process.  Every new experience demands its share of my attention.

I don't know if this is what you are experiencing or not.  I don't know if the hurt has subsided enough for you to take the antidepressant training wheels off yet.  I just relate my experience to you as a possible template to give you hope that someday, soon, we all hope, you can feel alive again.

Please, be careful and work with your doctors and therapists to figure this all out.  And keep us in the loop.  We all care very much for you.

All my best wishes for a beautiful soul,
Stephanie

[p]

Laurie,

I am sorry you are hurting so badly right now. I would encourage you to read the words of those who have posted here, people whose love and admiration for you is expressed more beautifully than anything I can write. However, as your #1 fan, I consider myself the de facto leader of this ragtag bunch, and I think the message is very, very clear: we don't like you. We LOVE you. We REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOVE YOU! You are a treasure, and I am so grateful that you have outlived every prognosis so far. I beg you to keep fighting for yourself, Laurie. I love you.

[Laurie]

Laurie,

It pains me to see you going through what you are going through.  As others have observed, I, too, see a beautiful, loving soul in you.  I think the metaphor of an eclipse, an total eclipse the soul, if you will, is most apt.  Kindness and hope radiate from you.  Just not within.

I have told you before about some similarity in our situations in that my daughter saw fit to cast me aside. When that happened to me, I went into a deep, debilitating depression.  To get through it all, I took antidepressants.  They helped me cope.  But eventually, several years, I found that, although the hurt had not gone away, it was no long ever present.  It had receded into the background.  Meanwhile, the antidepressants were still doing their thing.  But antidepressants are not pro-exhilarators.  So, after sometime, while I did not hurt too badly too often, I mostly just felt numb.  Not dead. Not alive.  Not really wanting to be dead but not enthusiatic about living either.  So, eventually, I stopped the antidepressants and started feeling the life within.  I still, to this day, have pangs of hurt on occasion.  As long as I live, the hurt will only be one thought away.  It is just no longer ever-present.  Other thoughts and concerns have won their need for my attention.  Beginning to live again has accelerated the process.  Every new experience demands its share of my attention.

I don't know if this is what you are experiencing or not.  I don't know if the hurt has subsided enough for you to take the antidepressant training wheels off yet.  I just relate my experience to you as a possible template to give you hope that someday, soon, we all hope, you can feel alive again.

Please, be careful and work with your doctors and therapists to figure this all out.  And keep us in the loop.  We all care very much for you.

All my best wishes for a beautiful soul,
Stephanie

Hi Stephanie,

  First thank you for taking the time to comment. I know you don't do it that often. I feel sort of honored that 3 of your last 4 posts have been to me. Yes, I looked and I saw how few times you have posted since you joined us here. And yes you and I do share some of the same hurt and the depression it spawned. You as you say have found a way to push that pain off into a dark corner so you can function again. You have said you do not understand why your daughter felt she needed to shut you out and that I think makes  her action even more hard to understand. For me even though it happened months ago now it is still fresh and the pain of it still hurts. I haven't been able to put that hurt in a box and push it back into the dark shadows of my mind yet. Instead it has been the cause of fetching one of those boxes from the shadows that I shoved there more than 20 years ago. The one that had had me sitting under the trees in the midst of the sounds of life and peace surrounding me wanting to blow my head off. It brought me right back to that day wishing I had pulled the trigger. Some days I still wish I had.
  The antidepressant is working in that I am not actively thinking of suicide now but I would still welcome death if he came knocking. Therapy is continuing but now it dosen't focus just on my gender issues but has also brought out that my gender problems started so long ago and my self hate goes all the way back to childhood. I think it added to my depression and remains a sticking point keeping me from moving and depression keeps me from caring.
  One more thing that has added to my not caring if I live to tomorrow is my cancer history. It haunts me. I am not supposed to be here. Twice I was supposed to die from it. Yet I am here. Instead of joy I face an uncertain future. Three times I have fought with it. The forth will no doubt kill me if I even live that long. All of these contribute to my not wanting to be here and not caring if I were to die. it just doesn't matter... nothing else matters. Dying would be a blessing. If I don't wake up tomorrow I'm okay with that. My affairs are in order and there is no need for me to be here.
  Hell I've said what I wanted to say and more would just be rambling. I am sorry of the situation with your daughter Stephanie. It is horrible to feel that loss. (((Hugs))) And thank you for your thoughts.

Hugs,
   Laurie
 

[davina61]

Now if that was me I would be thinking still here there must be a reason behind it so make life count. Looks like your reason is to help folk on here. Big hugs and xxxs and go and make a curry

[Tessa James]

Ok Laurie,

If you have nothing left to lose then get off line, point your pickup truck NW and drive out here so we can throw rocks in the ocean.  Someone needs to fill all these S...Holes we keep hearing about.  It's sunny and almost 60 degrees and you could make it before sunset.  Dinner out, a warm fire and cozy bed are waiting for you.

Love and Hugs for real when you get here.....

[Laurie]

Laurie,

I am sorry you are hurting so badly right now. I would encourage you to read the words of those who have posted here, people whose love and admiration for you is expressed more beautifully than anything I can write. However, as your #1 fan, I consider myself the de facto leader of this ragtag bunch, and I think the message is very, very clear: we don't like you. We LOVE you. We REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOVE YOU! You are a treasure, and I am so grateful that you have outlived every prognosis so far. I beg you to keep fighting for yourself, Laurie. I love you.

Patty,

  I do read the replies I get here and I read every word though most of them wind up having to be read through a filter of tears. I appreciate every one of them. I know they and you love me though I can't understand why. Not with the way I see myself. The two are so far apart that it hurts to read how you and the others see and feel about me sometimes. But that is a problem of mine that I have had a long time and it is something I need to learn to deal with and probably long over due. So no one need stop posting what the feel or think.

Hugs Patty,
   Laurie

[Laurie]

Thanks Davina,

  Yes yes I need to get cracking on reading that book but tbh I haven't been much on doing anything for awhile. I need to get the oil changed (well over due) a pollution control device replaced and the 4WD fixed. I have to have a smog inspection passed  before I can re register the pickup before February and it still isn't done. Cooking supper hasn't been high on the radar lately.

Hugs to you Davina,
  Laurie

[Laurie]

Ok Laurie,

If you have nothing left to lose then get off line, point your pickup truck NW and drive out here so we can throw rocks in the ocean.  Someone needs to fill all these S...Holes we keep hearing about.  It's sunny and almost 60 degrees and you could make it before sunset.  Dinner out, a warm fire and cozy bed are waiting for you.

Love and Hugs for real when you get here.....

Hi Tessa,

   Thanks for the comment and the phone call. It was very nice to talk with you again. I thank you for the warm invite again. it is very tempting and I think I could visit again now that the antidepressant is working. Before it would have been and was out of the question. It is just a matter of when as I can't right now, but I will.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Jayne01]

Dying would be a blessing. If I don't wake up tomorrow I'm okay with that. My affairs are in order and there is no need for me to be here.

What kind foolish talk is that girl! I need you here as does everyone else. I am Jayne on this forum, but in the real world I am still John. I am a work in progress and have quite a long way to go. Who is going to set me straight, speak her mind and give me slap when I stumble. I say "when", not "if" because, well you know me, that's how I roll. You want a purpose? How about being the great supporting friend that you are to so many people on this forum. Most of us you have never met in real life and may appear as little more than a username on a screen, possibly with an attached photo. On the other side of that username is a very real person, often feeling very real pain. Your thoughtful and supportive comments go a very long way to ease that pain. So be kinder to yourself, learn to like yourself, everyone else here already likes you.

(((SHAKE)))
(((SLAP)))

I need my friend, Laurie! Don't give up on yourself.

(((HUG)))

Jayne

[Drexy/Drex]

Hi Laurie sorry to see you down ,i actally had this post written succintly hrs ago then i some how deleted it....ooh i hate that then i went and got lost in the subburbs
But  afew things i remmember  having known the depths of depressive despair
Was that it was cyclic and i just had to wait it out
another was something i read somewhere
" depression is living in the past "
"fear is living in the future "
theres not much i can add to what others have said
But i understand how you may feel
We had an incident while up at work someone decided to step out
the next day luke and i were sitting down having lunch it was beautiful balmy day almost idyllic
I turned to luke and said beaut day aye ,he agreed
and then i realised what if the person had just waited one night...what if
oh the thing i read was
" if you find yourself going through hell...keep going"
Best wishs we want you to stay😊

[Laurie]

Jayne and Markie,

  Thank you both for caring and posting to let me know that you do. I know some of my post cause you all some concern. I appreciate that.  But here I say what I am feeling and sometimes it isn't good. But it is what it is. I won't apologize for it  of you know who and her henchman will fight over who gets to slap me. Either that or they will take turns. I sure wouldn't put that past them.
  Anyway the yawning from the pills has been nagging me to go to bed so I will bid you all a good night.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Shy]

Morning Laurie, or is it bedtime or something else interdimentional in that strange country you live in.

Just wishing you a wonderful day, I'm off out shopping and for my monthly brow threading. It really is a caper because I'm too tall for any of the salon chairs and I end up contorted into all sorts of strange positions as the technician tries her best not to completely remove one them. Here later if you want a chat, but need to get girly stuff done.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Michelle_P]

Laurie, we're all just folks who care about you. 

Life can be hard, but that doesn't mean we can't try find happiness or joy.  I think that's all anyone wants for you, that happiness or joy.  I've seen that potential in many of your posts, along with your playful interactions.

With love,
Michelle

[Laurie]

  Again I find myself making a post in another thread better suited for here because my thoughts ran beyond the topic and into introspection instead. So it is here instead of there.

I find my time spent online at Susan's is both an obsession and medication. It is an obsession in that I am always online. For years, I spent that time playing a role playing game to the point of an obsession and past. Susan's replaced that obsession. Just to throw it out there my main characters were female. The male characters I made were done to keep my cover intact so others I played with didn't think I was weird. At Susan's I fit right in. And it allowed me to be me.I didn't have to hide how I felt or my thoughts here at Susan's. I have never been so involved with or had as many friends as I have here. These are people I care about and they try to care about me. In spite of my phobic efforts to keep you all at arms length, you have managed to slip by my defenses and saw my craving need for friendship and have fulfilled it. Thank you.
   But it goes beyond obsession because it is also a medication in that it does fill that need to be a part of something. And it fills that need to have friends who do care. It gives me a place to air my thoughts and give back some of what you all give freely to me. It allows me the opportunity to try to help others and that is something I have tried to do all my life.  And lastly it allows me, in my own thread, to let my hair down and be honest with myself. Good or bad I am in my thread. My heart is there as it is in no other place. It's there I can hurt or be happy, well somewhat happy, but what I'm trying to say is that I am my thread.
  Yes taking breaks for "Me" time is good. Everyone needs to get away and physically do something. Visit friends or get away from them. Sometimes I need that solitude I find on the road and the interaction of a friend in the flesh. I feel that need now and have had it for awhile, but life problems have been vetoing it. Driving it is my fear of the closeness with someone else and my fear of breaking down in their presence. I fight against that possibility because of the fear of making myself vulnerable. I want what Moni has. What she said in her post describing what it is to feel like a woman...

  Being a woman means having an intimate relationship with vulnerability.  It is the biggest factor in me feeling like a woman to allow and accept being vulnerable. It is one of the nicest things but also one of the scariest things. Yes that is the essence of feeling like a woman.
Moni

  I want that. But I can't get past my current issues, let alone embrace that thought.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Laurie]

Morning Laurie, or is it bedtime or something else interdimentional in that strange country you live in.

Just wishing you a wonderful day, I'm off out shopping and for my monthly brow threading. It really is a caper because I'm too tall for any of the salon chairs and I end up contorted into all sorts of strange positions as the technician tries her best not to completely remove one them. Here later if you want a chat, but need to get girly stuff done.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

  Well good on you Sadie for getting your "girly on" and taking care of your girly needs. When you are in the chair be careful your hair doesn't fall off like mine did. Hope you have been have a splendid day of iy.

Hugs,
  Laurie