Being followed...

[Aurorasky]

Hi people. I am a 20 year old trans girl, I pass, nobody ever clocks me but I have been worrying about something lately.

On 2015, when I was 18, I did volunteering on an orphanage and to get there I needed to catch the bus. A man there, with some mental disorder, took the same bus and he started looking obssessively at me. He would sit in the front while I would be in the back of the bus, and he would be all turned around in his seat just to watch me...when people start leaving, he would repeatdly switch seats to become closer to me. It got worse and he started saying hi, bye and trying to interact. He learned the stop I came down so I decided to switch the bus I took and never saw him again.
On November 2016, I took the train, which I always do to get to college. The creepy man entered at another station and he immediately saw me and fixated on me. He didn't stop looking. Suddenly he took a call and in this moment he was distract I quickly ran to another carriage. But he quickly followed. I freaked out and at the final stop was still being followed, so I hid first. He got confused and then I ran to the underground.

Same happened the other day but this time a middle aged woman sitting beside me helped me mislead him in the path I was taking. I told her the whole story and she confirmed he was following us. I don't know what to do. I am afraid he saw where I take the train this time, as he saw where I entered. But so far he hasn't threatened but he is so creepy. I don't know what to do.

Advice? I'm scared.

[Angélique LaCava]

Maybe you should just ask him why he's following you and if he try's asking you out tell him you have a boyfriend. You shouldn't be rude just because they have a mental illness. Depending on the illness he might not understand what he's doing is wrong. Now if he continues doing it after that then call the cops.

Also curious, why did you feel the need to post that you pass and no one questions it? Whether you pass or not has nothing to do with your question honestly.

[Angela Drakken]

If this man has made no effort to speak to you, and is simply following you, I would NOT approach them or confront them at all. Speak to the transit authorities, and if they are non compliant, the police. A friend of my mother's had someone stalking her in a similar manner once, the situation escalated to the man slitting her throat in the back seat of a cab when she was trying to escape him. Fortunately for her, the cab driver kicked the man out of the cab, immediately took her to the ER, and ultimately saved her life. His description of the culprit led to an arrest.

Protect yourself.

[Aurorasky]

Maybe you should just ask him why he's following you and if he try's asking you out tell him you have a boyfriend. You shouldn't be rude just because they have a mental illness. Depending on the illness he might not understand what he's doing is wrong. Now if he continues doing it after that then call the cops.

Also curious, why did you feel the need to post that you pass and no one questions it? Whether you pass or not has nothing to do with your question honestly.

So that everyone understands that being followed has nothing to do with him clocking me. Which scares me even more, as I am pre-op.

People who.helped me tried to tell him what he is doing is scaring me but he never stops

[big kim]

Learn self defence & take him out with extreme violence

[josie76]

If this is the same man from the bus riding, which it sounds like it is, I would at least file a police report. You might also try to find a subway officer/security and ask for help the next time you see this guy. He might at least get detained and a report with his identity on it made.

For those questioning why she would say she passes, one if she passes then it's not a trans hate situation, two, if she transitioned young she has not had decades of male copycatting behavior trained into her. While many of us can switch back on the aggressive identity we taught ourselves to be, the younger generation have had the blessing of skipping all that. However if she lacks the aggressive modality, she feels as any other young woman would. If this guy has been "coincidentally" riding the public transportation the same routes as her for two years she has every right to be scared.

[Angélique LaCava]

If this is the same man from the bus riding, which it sounds like it is, I would at least file a police report. You might also try to find a subway officer/security and ask for help the next time you see this guy. He might at least get detained and a report with his identity on it made.

For those questioning why she would say she passes, one if she passes then it's not a trans hate situation, two, if she transitioned young she has not had decades of male copycatting behavior trained into her. While many of us can switch back on the aggressive identity we taught ourselves to be, the younger generation have had the blessing of skipping all that. However if she lacks the aggressive modality, she feels as any other young woman would. If this guy has been "coincidentally" riding the public transportation the same routes as her for two years she has every right to be scared.

i transitioned at 17 lol. So yea, I wouldn't say approaching the guy is aggressive since I would do it and wasn't trained to have male copyxatting behavior, all my life my friends were female. It's being polite. I would approach him and ask him why he keeps following me. Chances are he's not going to hurt her. If your that scared have a friend come with you next time and you can approach him with whoever your with.

[josie76]

Angelique, I suppose what we each think she should do may depend more on how individually we understand her situation. My interpretation as she wrote it would indicate the situation more serious and possibly dangerous for her.

While in a single incident or two I could see your point of confronting the guy while in public. However I think based on the amount of time this guy has managed to ride the same route as her, his apperant escalation of attempting to narrow his physical proximity to her and his attempt to follow her from train car to train car, I would say it warrants a police intervention.

From my viewpoint having been near 5_11 and able to daily lift more than 100lbs for work, to just a few months of testosterone limiting with herbs and now just nearly a month of HRT, I have seen a significant muscle reduction. Just my overall body strength is much less. So I can truely imagine how someone of smaller stature would be threatened by an average man with creepster written all over him.

Aurorasky, besides trying the police, do you have any large male friends from school who can ride the same route with you? Also if you don't have any, get a can of mace. A small pocket knife can be kept in your purse. I hate to say it but you might consider moving to another area so you are riding different routes to school. Do whatever you need to do to feel safe.
I told my wife what you had written. She said if we were anywhere near you she would go Kathy Bates on the guy. I believe she would.

[Angela Drakken]

Angelique, I suppose what we each think she should do may depend more on how individually we understand her situation. My interpretation as she wrote it would indicate the situation more serious and possibly dangerous for her.

While in a single incident or two I could see your point of confronting the guy while in public. However I think based on the amount of time this guy has managed to ride the same route as her, his apperant escalation of attempting to narrow his physical proximity to her and his attempt to follow her from train car to train car, I would say it warrants a police intervention.

From my viewpoint having been near 5_11 and able to daily lift more than 100lbs for work, to just a few months of testosterone limiting with herbs and now just nearly a month of HRT, I have seen a significant muscle reduction. Just my overall body strength is much less. So I can truely imagine how someone of smaller stature would be threatened by an average man with creepster written all over him.

Aurorasky, besides trying the police, do you have any large male friends from school who can ride the same route with you? Also if you don't have any, get a can of mace. A small pocket knife can be kept in your purse. I hate to say it but you might consider moving to another area so you are riding different routes to school. Do whatever you need to do to feel safe.
I told my wife what you had written. She said if we were anywhere near you she would go Kathy Bates on the guy. I believe she would.

All very sound advice, except I would not bring a weapon, especially a knife, into the situation. When it goes poorly, and most times it does, that knifes ending up in their hands, and they may not have originally intended to use it, but their mind might change pretty quick with a few superficial cuts from a scared woman. One of the first things they teach in self defense classes is not to carry any weapon you don't want them taking away and using on you, because unless someones a short blade expert, they're going to over power you, and they're taking it away from you. (And they're going to be hella mad afterward. I'm pretty sure my anecdote where my mothers friends throat was slashed in the cab, SHE BROUGHT THE KNIFE.)

I still strongly urge speaking to the transit authority. And then the police. Seriously, you have years worth of 'following' from this individual. He should be barred from that bus line, and if that won't fly with him, involve the police. Keep him as far away from you as possible.

[josie76]

I see your point about the knife. I suppose I know how to use one to disable an attacker in one action. Scared flinging of the knife would definately enrage the attacker. Good catch.

Police /transit authorizes are the best.

[Wild Flower]

Oh my God. Please no violence, that would make this situation from "awkward" to "ugly"  like so fast. I don't think like he means harm like that based on what you said. 

But definitely like keep your phone on hand, if you like see him again. Definitely!

----
To be honest, I would just like confront him in public, I think that would like end it right there. Maybe he like thinks you're his lost daughter, and that's why like he went crazy. I don't judge people... that's like not my place.

[AutumnLeaves]

I would definitely contact the police, and please use extreme caution if you must travel alone. DO NOT speak to him or approach him in any way. You do not owe ANYONE "politeness" and it is not your job to ask them what they want or engage them. Maybe he's harmless, but his behaviour sounds disturbing and I can easily imagine it escalating.

[Angélique LaCava]

I would definitely contact the police, and please use extreme caution if you must travel alone. DO NOT speak to him or approach him in any way. You do not owe ANYONE "politeness" and it is not your job to ask them what they want or engage them. Maybe he's harmless, but his behaviour sounds disturbing and I can easily imagine it escalating.

wow don't owe anyone politeness? You must have so many friends.

[Angela Drakken]

wow don't owe anyone politeness? You must have so many friends.

I think the point we're missing here is this is not an isolated incident, and this individual has been creepily following her for YEARS..? It's long passed the point of being polite. I for one don't find eerie, malicious, stalker antics romantic in the slightest, even if 'no harm done.' Under any other circumstances, I'd be inclined to agree with you, speak to them, ask them; 'Hey, I've noticed you REALLY want to talk to me, why?'

Who knows, if this individual is in fact mentally impaired, they may not have that 'filter' that would allow them to discern 'odd' from perfectly acceptable behavior around others, and they deserve empathy. Unfortunately, there are a great many sickos out there who just can't and wont take 'no' for a hint and it makes any sort of interaction a very iffy situation to put ourselves into that are best avoided.

I like the suggestion of bringing a male friend along for a ride. Passive, but effective. Even if there ends up being a (hopefully) peaceful interaction, it may be just enough to clearly state 'I'm unavailable.'

Oh my God. Please no violence, that would make this situation from "awkward" to "ugly"  like so fast. I don't think like he means harm like that based on what you said.

I really don't believe anyone was truly advocating for violence. (Which should be avoided entirely, if possible, in all scenarios.)

[Wild Flower]

What if this creeper person was an elderly lady, would you react the same? I don't know. I haven't been stalked before. But he hasn't actually done any harm, he was trying to say "hi"/"bye".... doesn't seem to be a violent person.

I don't know... it indicates that this only happened 3x....

Maybe I am a little "fearless" when it comes to this kind of stuff, but I think some posts on this thread are a little drastic.

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But it is alarming that he is taking the same routes as you just to follow you. That's weird no matter what.

[alex82]

Don't go near the freak. And definitely don't start taking weapons because apart from the fact that it can and possibly will be used against you by him, in pretty much anywhere outside the USA, it's a crime to carry offensive weapons or mace - neither of those are considered reasonable force, and having deliberately armed yourself with them you won't be able to claim protection/self defence, but instead you'll be in the frame for premeditation.

The most you are allowed is a rape alarm or in a physical fight to fend someone off, your door/car keys. Or whatever else any civilian might reasonably have to hand, up to and including their car itself, or any heavy household objects. But NOT an actual weapon that you've been walking around the streets and transport system with.

I don't know where you are based, but the last thing you need is be on the end of criminal charges.

Just report it to the authorities.

[Aurorasky]

I feel like I need to clarify things. Guys, this hasn't been just three occurrences. In 2015, it happened SEVERAL TIMES. He would look at me from afar in the bus, even if I was sitting in the back and he wouldn't break eye contact. I tried to ignore. Then, he started trying to interact with me, which I too ignored. It got worse so I decided to switch trains. I thought I was free of him for a long time, then at the end of 2016 I started seeing him again and now on February he too showed up and followed me between carriages.

I'm sorry to those who think I should interact with him, you must have never been in  this situation, but I definitely WON'T talk to him. If I did, he would feel rewarded by it as he clearly knows no boundaries. Also, I guess it's easy to talk if you're bigger, but I am 5'5, light frame and feel scared. Just  because he's handicapped doesn't mean he's absolutely harmless. I have been lucky cuz he has only done this in public transportion but what if he learns my routines?

In my country, it's ilegal for me to carry any kind of weapon, so I can't use that. I just try to be wary. And whenever he shows up, I talk to the person sitting beside me regardless of who they are.

Wild Flower, I know him from nowhere. He just doesn't quit looking, I'm sorry, I have been in this situation and it's scary as hell when someone is watching and following you. Cause when I try to get away from him, he tries to come after me.

EDIT: I have notified the police! Thanks for the suggestion. I have their number and they said if it happens again, I can have a police officer with me for one day to look after me. And thankies, Josie76 for understanding. I think I definitely have at least the right to feel the way I do, even if he's not harmful. It's still harrassment.

[alex82]

I feel like I need to clarify things. Guys, this hasn't been just three occurences. In 2015, it happened SEVERAL TIMES. He would look at me from afar in the bus, even if I was sitting in the back and he wouldn't break eye contact. I tried to ignore. Then, he started trying to interact with me, which I too ignored. It got worse so I decided to switch trains. I thought I was free of him for a long time, then at the end of 2016 I started seeing him again and now on February he too showed up and followed me between carriages.

I'm sorry to those who think I should interact with him, you must have never been in  this situation, but I definitely WON'T talk to him. If I did, he would feel rewarded by it as he clearly knows no boundaries. Also, I guess it's easy to talk if you're bigger, but I am 5'5, light frame and feel scared. Just  because he's handicapped doesn't mean he's absolutely harmless. I have been lucky cuz he has only done this in public transportion but what if he learns my routines?

In my country, it's ilegal for me to carry any kind of weapon, so I can't use that. I just try to be wary. And whenever he shows up, I talk to the person sitting beside me regardless of who they are.

Wild Flower, I know him from nowhere. He just doesn't quit looking, I'm sorry, I have been in this situation and it's scary as hell when someone is watching and following you. Cause when I try to get away from him, he tries to catch up like he did when I was on the train.

Exactly. Call the authorities and let them deal with it.

There's a very good reason that carrying weapons as a civilian is banned in most places.

I also wouldn't dream of playing passive aggressive games by taking a male friend along for the ride. Why should they become collateral damage?

This is someone who is well out of line, and you don't need to be playing games with them on any level. Just call the police and explain that you are being intimidated. And call them every time it happens. Take up their offer of providing a guard.

[Raell]

I agree, Alex.

Due to my being partially transmale, despite resembling a tiny woman, I also tend to be macho, not take danger seriously and was nearly killed for it when I was ambushed from behind several years ago by a man I'd previously noticed seemed to be following me.

Ignore all advice to be confrontational, or polite, and tell the authorities, change routes, do what it takes to stay safe.
I now know that ANY male showing an interest in me, changing routes or behavior to keep me in sight is potentially lethal.

[alex82]

I agree, Alex.

Due to my being partially transmale, despite resembling a tiny woman, I also tend to be macho, not take danger seriously and was nearly killed for it when I was ambushed from behind several years ago by a man I'd previously noticed seemed to be following me.

Ignore all advice to be confrontational, or polite, and tell the authorities, change routes, do what it takes to stay safe.
I now know that ANY male showing an interest in me, changing routes or behavior to keep me in sight is potentially lethal.

Absolutely.

Safety is paramount. Being polite on public transport with people who genuinely instill fear is not.

And no male friend deserves to be drawn into a potentially dangerous situation to become collateral damage in some strange kind of one upmanship game you really don't need to be entering into.

Let the law deal with the stalker. Proper policing is something taxes are paid for.

Steer well clear. Leave the carriage at the next stop. And don't stop calling the authorities to build up a picture of exactly how unnerved you are, and what pattern (if any) this person is working to.