Seriously confused, considering halting everything!

[Krystina52]

I am so confused, I just had my one month on HRT and my Dr raised my dosage, so I was thrilled.
However, it turns out my wife, who is my life, my best friend, my other half, is having a much more difficult time dealing with me being Transgender, than she let on. She is supporting me, 100% in my transition as I have explained many times before but it appears she is no longer "in love" with me, She loves me and wants no one else but me forever. But it appears the tingle she used to get from my kisses has gone away. This started as soon as I told her I wanted to transition. She says it is because now she knows that I never really was her husband, but instead I have been a woman all along and she feels like she can no longer have a sexual relationship with me because I consider myself a female. This hurts me deeply as the entire mess is my fault, it was precipitated by me telling her that I was Transgender. So, I am going to find a psychiatrist close to us who may be able to A) help me deal with being Transgender without having to transition, essentially stuffing Krystina away forever or B) Help me deal with my wife's feelings so that we can continue to have a loving and happy marriage as I follow my path to womanhood. Any suggestions or comments, please I love being me, and the last thing I want is to halt my journey, but I love her so much that I will do anything to get back my wife, as she was before!

[JeanetteLW]

Krystina,

   I wish I could reach through this computer and give you a serious hug. (I'm told I am a very good hugger)

  When it comes to affairs of the heart I have no advice for anyone. I disqualified myself when I lost the love of my life after 21 years. It doesn't help knowing that it was likely the best thing she could have done for herself at the time. Still I was devastated by the divorce.
  I hope it does not ever come to that with you and your wife. I wish I had something that would help your heavy heart.  but, wishing you the best is all I can do. Sorry

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

[JoanneB]

My wife knew from Day 1 that I had "gender issues". Before/during our on/off relationship I had experimented with transitioning, HRT, you name it... Twice. Both times (obviously) utter fails. I had resigned to be "just a CD"

My wife is non-apologetic "Sexist". I cannot tell you how many times since I dropped the T-Bomb I heard I like what men have. I like how they make me feel etc..  And still to this day. 8 years almost later.

You and I turned our wives world up side down. Their entire image of a future BTS.  My wife is "supportive" of my efforts to be true to myself. Just as I believe, she says; "Who am I to deny you your joy... your happiness?" 

I am trying valiantly every day NOT to transition.... fully.. socially. I have lived part-time time as female. I live primarily, work and present as male. She is jealous of my breasts. She is also amazed and thankful of the personal growth I have obtained. I try to balance all all the conflicting needs and wants in OUR lives followed by my own. "The US" is my my top priority.

The "Tingle" she felt for me is gone... never to be had again. I am no longer a man in her eyes. I am no longer her husband. She also loves me more then she has in decades. Will she stay with me if I go all the way..... doubtful. I don't have the right to ask her to. I am the one to TOTALLY turn her world up-side-down, shattering all our shared hopes, wishes, and dreams.

My dropping the T-Bomb on her meant there I was desperate, and depressed enough to see that I had NO OTHER OPTIONS for ME but to actually dare to do something for me.... Or.... It was not a decision that came easily. For me I knew it was almost too late to tell her if I wanted any minor chance to safe the relationship.

It is a chance we all take

[Daniellekai]

I feel lucky that the only major considerations I had in making my decision were if I ever wanted children the natural way and if I wanted to take on the social stigma. I don't know how you girls balance an already established home life on top of it all, probably would've taken me another ten years if I had to worry about that!

[LizK]

This hurts me deeply as the entire mess is my fault, it was precipitated by me telling her that I was Transgender.

Hi Krystina52

It feels horrible when this kind of thing happens and your reaction is similar to many.

As long as you keep thinking you have some "fault" in this you will have difficulty gaining self acceptance...you will not gain that self acceptance while you are still full of guilt and blaming yourself.

Your wife is not responsible for you being Trans but neither are you. You are not responsible for this mess any more than someone born with one arm.

Let us take this one step further...remove the HRT, and the progress you have made so far, go way back 12 months before HRT? Why did you want HRT, after you first 2 weeks how did you feel? You sure you want to try and bury this... Imagine the internal pain that drove you here in the first place.

My therapist always quotes me the following about acceptance and it is so true

"What's in a name?
That which we call a rose
By any other name
Would smell as sweet"
William Shakespeare

It doesn't matter what you call it...it is still a rose...

What I am saying is you have not bought anything upon yourself, you are just trying to be you. The 30 year relationship between my wife and I has changed, so I hear what you are saying, but it is not your fault you are trans...if you had children and one was Trans would you blame them for it?

Why are all your dreams shattered...changed yes...but why shattered?  What can't you do after/during transition that you can do now. My wife and I have not changed our plans for our future. They may not "look" the same  as they used too...but that is alright too.

Hope that helps put things in perspective

Liz

[flytrap]

I am thinking couple's counseling with your wife might be really important? It's hard for a person to figure out a solution to a problem that affects another person with including them.

I am the only girl in our Multiple Personality (Dissociaitive Identity) Disorder System and struggle with this same problem with my primary alter's wife. She is nice to me because she knows I am part of her husband (Primary). But I'm not the person she married and she is not in love with me. She loves Primary and wants no one else forever. The tingle she used to get from kisses has gone away because now she knows she may not always be kissing her husband, and she cannot have a sexual relationship with him because I am female. It's hard for her but not so much for Primary. he can't have sex without triggering one of his young alters who remember when he was raped and has health problems that pretty make sex physically impossible.

We have been in couple's counseling for 7 years now. It's really hard but Primary's marriage could not have survived without it. His doctor says he has come amazingly far for a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Primary can kiss and spoon and cuddle now. But he and his wife are both almost 60, and Primary's health problems aren't going to get any better. Their marriage is no longer sexual but they share a wonderful intimacy in other ways. And that's an amazing blessing for anyone.