I think transition was the easy part....

[Asche]

Well, as I've probably alluded to a few times (or a few thousand ), I've been full-time for 2-3 months.  The transition process went about as smoothly as anyone could hope for.  A fair amount of Sturm und Drang inside, but that let up soon after I went full-time.

Now I'm finding that living as me feels a lot more complicated and confusing and uncertain than I'd imagined.  Externally, I think I'm doing okay.  At least, I'm still making it to work, I'm paying my bills and buying groceries and doing the laundry and such.  But inside, I kind of feel like the kitten that got put into the dryer.

Some of it's stuff from my childhood, which I won't go into because I think I've bored people here enough with it.  But another part is, as far as I can make sense of it, figuring out who "me" is, or perhaps who I want "me" to be.

Back when I was living as a man, I was struggling with all the xxx that men are supposed to be and trying to figure out how much of what I was feeling was what I thought I was supposed to be, how much was my rebellion against what I was supposed to be, where the "real me" was (if indeed there was a "real me"), and what sort of compromise between them I make that would be the least painful.  Now that I'm living as a woman, it's much the same, except that it's now the "what women are supposed to be" that I'm dealing with.  Except that I had 50+ years of experience dealing with the "what men are supposed to be" stuff.

There's probably more stuff, too, that I'm just not yet aware of.  Every time I think I've figured out what issue is roasting me over a fire, that issue goes away and a new one comes along.  Just a phase, just a phase -- feh!  My therapist says that my subconscious seems to be pretty good at only saddling me with stuff that I can handle, but it evidently doesn't seem to mind me feeling pretty uncomfortable.

Anyway, it feels like transition was just the warm-up, now I have to reconstruct my self almost from the ground up.

At least, that's what I'm thinking today.  Maybe next week it will be different.

Round and round the dryer drum turns ....  meow!  meow!  Let me out, I'll be a good girl!

[ainsley]

Sounds like puberty to me.  I went through that.  Pfft, I probably still am.  My wife used to comment that she was dealing with two pubescent girls because my daughter went through it with me.  It takes a while to figure out who you are and what you want to be and how you want to be perceived.

You are in an awkward stage until you settle into who you are... going to be ...want to be.  Enjoy the ride in the dryer!!

[Dayta]

Back when I was living as a man, I was struggling with all the xxx that men are supposed to be and trying to figure out how much of what I was feeling was what I thought I was supposed to be, how much was my rebellion against what I was supposed to be, where the "real me" was (if indeed there was a "real me"), and what sort of compromise between them I make that would be the least painful.  Now that I'm living as a woman, it's much the same, except that it's now the "what women are supposed to be" that I'm dealing with.  Except that I had 50+ years of experience dealing with the "what men are supposed to be" stuff.

Some of this sounds very familiar as I inch toward my full-time transition within the next couple of weeks.  It's been comforting for me to think about it in this way.  The "what women are supposed to be" is really just about how women are socialized, and how much of that each of us may or must take on in order to be accepted.  But I think that's more about the performance of gender than about one's identity.  For every woman who acts "like women are supposed to." there are thousands who don't.  Norms are about averages, and the truth is that maybe NO ONE fits the actual average of things, so it doesn't pay to get too wrapped around it. 

I try to focus more on the incredible lightness and brightness that has filled my spirit since I started in earnest toward completing the "transition" and starting just to live as.  This is almost certainly a result of estrogen, but also affected by my conscious choices.  I hope you can find the same kind of joy as you go on.  Congratulations to you on 3 months anyway.  Your 1st quarter report still sounds pretty optimistic! 

Erin

[FTMDiaries]

Yup. In my experience, transitioning is very much like getting married: everyone spends all that time, money and effort on The Big Day, and when you're leading up to the event you concentrate on it with every fibre of your being.

But the real work is the years & years after The Big Day that you spend adjusting to a new role, a new way of being perceived by others, and a new way of moving through the world. Just like a marriage, it has its good bits and its bad bits. And like a marriage, you may have thought you knew what you were getting into, but you'll find that you had no clue about the scale of the thing & you have to keep making adjustments as you go along.

(Also, like a marriage, it's likely that someone's going to change their name!)

[Asche]

I try to focus more on the incredible lightness and brightness that has filled my spirit since I started in earnest toward completing the "transition" and starting just to live as.

Oh yes, I certainly experience this from time to time.  Even on the days when I feel terrified and exhausted and confused and battered (which is most days), I also have moments when there's a spring in my step and I find myself almost involuntarily saying "I'm so glad to be me!"  And sometimes I just dance in the kitchen to a tune in my head or I sing a song that comes into my mind (and la-la-la throught the parts I can't remember.)  Or practice my Miss Piggy impressions, or flirt with and act coquettish towards imaginary people, or get silly and girlish in my head.  I find myself flipping from misery to euphoria (or vice versa) so fast it makes my head spin.

And I do enjoy my dresses!

[flytrap]

I am so sorry, Asche. This is exactly why our gender therapist's recommendation that my primary alter transition to live as a girl would have been a horrible horrible mistake for us. It just would have flip-flopped the problems we started having when I realized I was a separate person and never done anything to fix our Multiple Personality (Dissociative Identity) Disorder.

I am a pretty strong alter and went toe to toe with the primary alter (his name is Primary, he's a guy) for control of the body. It was an ugly battle!  He suppressed me for about a month until his head was ready to explode. I took over and was able to keep him locked away for about a week. Our Psychologist was furious when she found out what we tried to do. In the end we realized the Self cannot win when one alter wins at another expense.

Trauma therapy has helped alot. We feel safe now. None of us has to face the horrible things that happened when we were small alone anymore. Alot of people talk about alters going away during integration and fusion. I was really scared that meant I was going to die when we got better. But we have healed and integrated and I know now that it never going to happen. Primary takes good care of us and the other 5 of us help him the best we can. Each of us like being our own person too much for any kind of System fusion.

It took alot of give and take on things like hair and shaving, and in deciding who gets  to use the body and when, but it's been working great for about 5 years now. Most of the time I am happy to sit in the back seat and let Primary drive. But one day a week, a long weekend each month and a week every year I live my own life. I can express myself with my own voice and mannerisms, wear my own clothes and make myself pretty, go places and do things that are important to me. I know how hard it is being primary alter, keeping up with running our life and being all the things "women are supposed to be." There's NO way I would want to have to do that 24-7. It's great to be able to turn it all back to Primary.

[Kylo]

now I have to reconstruct my self almost from the ground up.

That's pretty much it. I struggled so much with my childhood self I was doing that on an almost six monthly basis. The good news is it's entirely doable and eventually becomes a natural mindset. It is possible to detach almost completely from the past self and no longer care about it, and feels like the memories of a stranger that no longer illicit gut feelings and reactions. You have to throw yourself 100% into the new you, though with faith and determination.

[Dena]

I think now you have somewhat of an understanding why RLE is often a requirement for surgery. The work is only starting when you have that first full time day however the good news is the surgery is  graduation exercise and after it, the life you spent all that time building will be ready to live in

[LizK]

I think now you have somewhat of an understanding why RLE is often a requirement for surgery. The work is only starting when you have that first full time day however the good news is the surgery is  graduation exercise and after it, the life you spent all that time building will be ready to live in

Isn't that just the truth...I feel like the proverbial kid in the candy store today. I know I have the hard work ahead of me...there is no where to retreat...not that I want to anyway. I want SRS more than I am ever willing to let on, being on my way seems good enough for now. But as I fix one thing bugging me I find another lurking in the background...today I love my life...tomorrow can take care of its self.

Liz

[Asche]

Sounds like puberty to me.  I went through that.  Pfft, I probably still am.  My wife used to comment that she was dealing with two pubescent girls because my daughter went through it with me.  It takes a while to figure out who you are and what you want to be and how you want to be perceived.

You are in an awkward stage until you settle into who you are... going to be ...want to be.

Well, Friday night a group of us from the UU fellowship were together and I mentioned that people here were saying that I was basically going through the teenage girl stage, and a couple of parents (the parents of girls, of course) just groaned and talked about how unbearable their daughters were during that stage.

One person later suggested that I read books written for teenage (13-14 year old) girls.  I guess I'll have to find some reading lists.

Anyway, it doesn't make things any easier, but there's some comfort in knowing that other people go through the same thing and most of them live through it.  Plus, now the people I talk to have a better idea of how I feel.  (Well, maybe not the C-PTSD stuff.)  One difference, though: teenage girls usually have a mother or someone in the mother role to help them through it.  My mother died 8 years ago, and wasn't the sort to be of any help even while she was alive.

Maybe I need to find an adoptive mommy to do the mother-daughter stuff with me.

Enjoy the ride in the dryer!!

Gee, thanks!  </sarcasm>


P.S.:  Do you think I could just hide out in my room until this stage is over?