Straight Male to Lesbian Transwoman?

[Tasha.McKenna]

Hi folks, I'm a MtF who just recently started HRT.

One of the things I'd like to ask folks about is their experience with relationships, both with women and men.

First, let me describe my situation: I'm 58 years old and have relatively little experience with relationships and dating - I've had a few girlfriends but none in the last 20 years. I don't expect my relationship status to change as a result of my transition - I fully expect to be single for the rest of my life.

The reasons for this are complex - my standards for both appearance and intellect are high, I'm not outgoing or good at putting myself forward, I've never been comfortable with being the "pursuer" when it comes to dating. There are many women that I'm attracted to, and many women that are available for a relationship, but at my age those two sets don't appear to overlap. I also have issues with hearing problems that make crowded environments such as bars and clubs difficult for me to tolerate, so a lot of social activities are uncomfortable for me, which in turn makes it extra difficult to meet new friends.

I'm not at all attracted to men, and I have a mild aversion to physical intimacy with male bodies (despite many years of going to intimacy workshops like HAI). I'm a little worried about guys hitting on me, but I think that I can handle that, and as long as they don't get too pushy I would probably be flattered by the attention.

One of the things I really enjoy about cross-dressing and presenting myself as female is the increased level of physical and emotional intimacy I get when interacting with other people. I notice that people are much more likely to touch me, give me hugs, or talk about their inner life - all of which are things I greatly crave. It seems like when I'm a man there's a wall between me and the rest of the world, there's this assumption that I am always armored and defended, when in fact I want to be as open as possible. (I'm not claiming that my experience is universal to all men, it has more to do with the way that I present myself as a man.)

In a way, my lack of attachments is a blessing - it means that no one is going to be hurt as a result of my transition.

I've been reading a lot of the stories here on Susan's, and I see that a lot of transwomen started out either as gay men, or straight men who are in a long-term relationship.

What I'd like to hear more about is stories from women who started out as straight single men. Did you find that your transition isolated you from people, or did it bring them closer? Are you happy with the way people treat you now? Do you find that being a girl who likes girls makes things extra difficult?

I realize that I have a tough road ahead, but it would be good to get a better idea of just how tough it's going to be.

[Greeneyes]

Congratulations on starting HRT!

I started out as a straight guy (though internally I always saw myself as a girl). I had never been in any relationship due to not being able to pursue women or even be a little aggressive. When in high school I had a girlfriend for a grand total of three weeks. As soon as it got to the point where we were making out, I broke it off the next day. I just could not be intimate as a guy, no matter how attracted to her I was. I could only see myself with a woman if I was a woman too. I remained single up to, and for a year after HRT (and a virgin as well). I started HRT at 28. The one thing I didn't expect to happen was that I slowly lost my attraction to women, and started being attracted to men. It's not that I wouldn't consider a relationship with a woman, but I prefer men. Before HRT I was extremely against intimacy with men. The very thought of it disgusted me. After about 6 months I noticed my thoughts drifting toward men as well as women. At one point I considered myself bisexual. Now I'm straight and intimacy feels 100% correct.

From what I understand, my experience isn't the norm, and most maintain securely orientation through HRT. Though it does happen from time to time. I also started out not wanting SRS, but that's about to happen in less than a month! Transition is a journey that nothing can prepare you for, but it's the most rewarding thing to rediscover yourself and learn who you are at your core. Some things change, some things don't, but in the end most people are far happier than they ever imagined. I hope your journey treats you well and you find true happiness.

Evey

[Tasha.McKenna]

Wow, Evey, I'm happy everything worked out for you!

[RavenMoon]

This is actually very common. One study shows that a large percentage (might have been like 70%? I forget) of mtf trans women are attracted to or in relationships with women. I know quite a few.

It does seem complicated if you look at it as being straight or a lesbian/gay, etc. but the better terms to use are androphilic and gynephilic, or attracted to masculinity or femininity.

Obvious a trans woman would be feminine, and that would include one that is pre-op.

Personally I'm gynephilic. In my case I'm attracted to anyone that *looks* female, even if they aren't. Lol. I've only ever dated women, including living with several (not at the same time!) and I was married for 10 years. But I have had "encounters" with trans women when I was still living as a man.

As far as relationships; I got divorced in 2011 and have been single since. I'll be 60 in November. Hope I meet someone before I'm too old!


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[Greeneyes]

Wow, Evey, I'm happy everything worked out for you!

Thank you! It hasn't always been easy, but it's been completely worth it. I'm sure things will work out for you too

[Maybebaby56]

Congratulations on starting HRT!
The one thing I didn't expect to happen was that I slowly lost my attraction to women, and started being attracted to men. It's not that I wouldn't consider a relationship with a woman, but I prefer men. Before HRT I was extremely against intimacy with men. The very thought of it disgusted me. After about 6 months I noticed my thoughts drifting toward men as well as women. At one point I considered myself bisexual.

I have had a similar experience.  I was not even remotely attracted to men before HRT.  Slowly, men got more interesting. I would catch myself thinking, "Wow, that guy is cute!", and then wondering "Where the heck did that come from?"

Transition for me has been difficult because I am very gender binary, but I seem to be evolving into a pansexual sexuality.  I even have a boyfriend, and I am pre-op. That was definitely not in my plans.  He is gender fluid, which is why, I think, he is able to be attracted to pre-op transsexuals. The bottom line for me is I am attracted to intelligent, articulate, self-aware people, in whatever form they come in, and my boyfriend fits that description. Plus, he is so sweet to me.  I told him no sex until after I am anatomically correct, and he is okay with that.  We both find non-sexual intimacy enough for now.  We share a bed when we see each other, and he will spoon me and put his arm around me, and while I still find it ever so slightly uncomfortable to be cuddled by a man, as it makes my genital dysphoria worse, I allow it because I consider myself his girl. I am oddly proud to belong to a man who will protect and value me. It's just so soon, probably too soon, but I am not going to turn down the chance of a relationship with a decent, loving guy just because it didn't fit my preconceived ideas of how my transition might go.

I don't know if that explains anything, Tasha, but I am still trying to figure it out myself.

With kindness,

Terri

[noleen111]

I have had a similar experience.  I was not even remotely attracted to men before HRT.  Slowly, men got more interesting. I would catch myself thinking, "Wow, that guy is cute!", and then wondering "Where the heck did that come from?"

It was the same with me. I attracted the women only before HRT, now I class myself as straight woman with bisexual tendencies. It was a little unnerving when i started dating my first boyfriend. I remember the first time he kissed me, I was thinking what this a guy, but kinda liked it. After SRS I dated a woman, it was great and she was amazing (she was 20 years older than me - she was my sugar mommy lol), but I found myself wanting to be held by a man. She I broke it off and later on met my current man. I have never been so happy.

[Daniellekai]

It was the same with me. I attracted the women only before HRT, now I class myself as straight woman with bisexual tendencies. It was a little unnerving when i started dating my first boyfriend. I remember the first time he kissed me, I was thinking what this a guy, but kinda liked it. After SRS I dated a woman, it was great and she was amazing (she was 20 years older than me - she was my sugar mommy lol), but I found myself wanting to be held by a man. She I broke it off and later on met my current man. I have never been so happy.

Straight man now, but I know how I'll react to being treated like a woman, I'll be a straight or bisexual woman whether I want to be now or not, and I'm ok with that, lol

[RobynD]

Congratulations on starting HRT!

I started out as a straight guy (though internally I always saw myself as a girl). The one thing I didn't expect to happen was that I slowly lost my attraction to women, and started being attracted to men. It's not that I wouldn't consider a relationship with a woman, but I prefer men. Before HRT I was extremely against intimacy with men. The very thought of it disgusted me. After about 6 months I noticed my thoughts drifting toward men as well as women. At one point I considered myself bisexual. Now I'm straight and intimacy feels 100% correct.

From what I understand, my experience isn't the norm, and most maintain securely orientation through HRT. Though it does happen from time to time. I also started out not wanting SRS, but that's about to happen in less than a month! Transition is a journey that nothing can prepare you for, but it's the most rewarding thing to rediscover yourself and learn who you are at your core. Some things change, some things don't, but in the end most people are far happier than they ever imagined. I hope your journey treats you well and you find true happiness.

Evey

You and i are pretty similar and this does happen. I always identified as bisexual but married a woman and dated way more women than i did men. After HRT my attracted to women declined and my attraction to men, particularly men that i had a strong emotional connection to increased a lot. Whatever the cause or result, the key is we love people and get the privilege of expressing that to others.

I always felt like the pursuer in the equation and many times i still do. I said recently to my boyfriend that i sort of freak out at that because part of me wants to be the stereotypical woman and wait to be pursued, to which he replied "sometimes the most attractive women are not stereotypical at all" , what a cool guy huh?

To me sex and sexual activity is far less about the thing itself as the expression of the emotional bond and so if i am bonded pretty much everything about that person is sexy to me and i give of myself pretty fully in that activity.

While i am a married (disclaimer: open marriage) girl to a woman, and i date a guy, i may not have a lot to impart to the original poster here but i will say be open to where ever love and attachment take you. Also at some point you have to make love happen and not wait for the other person to do it all of course but you also can do this while being the pursued as it were too as long as you are active in your response.

Finally whatever we do, we have the opportunity to make someone's life better by them associating with us and that more than what we get out of the relationship is to me one of the greatest things. I never fully grasped this until the last few years. When i find myself faltering in that in relationships, i begin to question why i am in it, or if i need to set the reset button and focus less on myself.

[Cecilia]

I'm bisexual and I've been bisexual since pre transition and I'm single. I didn't find my transition isolated me, I even made quite a few friends lately through transgender support groups. I had varying reactions from people I knew, none were too bad though. I'm really happy how people treat me now. I don't find liking girls has made it any more difficult, some people have found it surprising but it's never been that bad.

[Michelle_P]

Tasha, I'm pretty much in the same position as you are.

Before transition I was romantically and sexually attracted to women, and the thought of sex with a man was just not appealing.  After nine months of HRT and 5 months of RLE, nothing has changed. 

Now, over years I freely admit there is a chance this could change.  That said, my childhood experiences currently make this very unlikely.  I doubt very much that I could handle intimacy with a man.  This extends to the point where I am considering zero-depth GCS.  I freely admit that yes, I'm a mess in this part of my head.  I'm working on this with my therapist.

[pretty pauline]

I allow it because I consider myself his girl. I am oddly proud to belong to a man who will protect and value me. It's just so soon, probably too soon, but I am not going to turn down the chance of a relationship with a decent, loving guy just because it didn't fit my preconceived ideas of how my transition might go.

I don't know if that explains anything, Tasha, but I am still trying to figure it out myself.

With kindness,

Terri

You explained it so well, it was never in my plan when transition was complete to be married to a man, before transition I had zero interest in men, then when transition was complete and my new life as a woman, completely changed everything, it was a bit unnerving at first, this new attention from men, fast forward to the present day, I married a man 6 years ago, as my husband he does protect, value and respect as a woman, I belong to him as his wife, he is a decent guy, a gentleman and treats me as a lady.
In the past I can't believe I had absolutely no interest in men, but as a woman I love a cuddle with a strong man to protect me and take care of me, just makes me very secure, if that makes any sense.

[RobynD]

You explained it so well, it was never in my plan when transition was complete to be married to a man, before transition I had zero interest in men, then when transition was complete and my new life as a woman, completely changed everything, it was a bit unnerving at first, this new attention from men, fast forward to the present day, I married a man 6 years ago, as my husband he does protect, value and respect as a woman, I belong to him as his wife, he is a decent guy, a gentleman and treats me as a lady.
In the past I can't believe I had absolutely no interest in men, but as a woman I love a cuddle with a strong man to protect me and take care of me, just makes me very secure, if that makes any sense.

That is so great an answer and story. It goes to show you that you never say never, because we all change. I don't really share the "strong and protective" viewpoint of guys, possibly because it rubs some feminist element in me the wrong way, but i do see guys as so wonderfully different and amazing.

[pretty pauline]

It goes to show you that you never say never, because we all change. I don't really share the "strong and protective" viewpoint of guys, possibly because it rubs some feminist element in me the wrong way,

Robyn, when we start this transition journey we just don't know how things will turn out, I had a plan in my head, but things turned out completely different.
A very good friend who was very supportive of my transition I think was disappointed the way things eventually turned out, she was expecting me to embark on some great feminist crusade fighting for women's rights, particularly with my background and life experience from both genders and understanding the issues.
But as she saw it, I just turned out to be another typical woman that got smitten by a man, got married, now cook, clean and do housekeeping for a husband, I guess I'm not a feminist, to my friend, I betrayed the sisterhood, on the day of my wedding, she asked me did I really want that, well 6 years, nearly 7 years later, I'm still married to my husband and I've never been happier, things turned out the way I least expected, the normality of it all, I'm just a normal, average, ordinary woman, nothing special, just a housewife.

[RobynD]

That is great Pauline. You found what works for yourself and your honey. Marriages are all types and there are many of us feminists that cook and clean. I probably like cooking a bit more than i like cleaning up from that cooking though

[mac1]

Tasha I can relate to some of your views and concerns.  Some of my earliest reconciliations were that it would be nice if I could be a girl.  However, it was a much different time than now.  Transition was not even a known process.  If it had been, I would not even dared to discuss it with my parents.

Going forward I continued having the feeling that I should have been a girl.  I never had any intimate desires for either girls or boys.  My activities were centered with boys and boy's activities as that was the accepted behavior of the time.  I first dated a girl for a football game when I was 16 years of age due to the urging of my parents.  I next dated another girl for the senior prom.  My next date was with my "now" wife in the fall following my high school graduation.  We married when I was 21 and she was 19.

I still greatly love my wife and look forward to a continued loving and committed  life with her.  I still have the desire to live openly both privately and publicly with my wife.  However, her views are rather conservative and I don't know how much she might be willing to accept.  I know that she will be accepting of anything that is medically necessary or that appears to be natural.  However, she will not be accepting of voluntary SRS or HRT.  I don't know what I can do that will be acceptable to her, or how to proceed to gain as much as possible.  I do not desire to have any intimate relationship with a man or with anybody else.

I would like to have a few years to live openly both privately and publicly as a woman with my wife. 

[Sophia Sentiment]

It does seem complicated if you look at it as being straight or a lesbian/gay, etc. but the better terms to use are androphilic and gynephilic, or attracted to masculinity or femininity.

I have to disagree, RavenMoon. I think it's perfectly fair to class yourself as gynephilic but words like straight or gay are really affirming and clarifying terms in their own right. There isn't a better or worse term to use in general, it's about what suits the individual. I'm gay, I'm attracted to other women and would only want a relationship with another woman. It's very distinct to gynephilia in a lot of cases and certainly for myself.

[Harley Quinn]

Congratulations on your decision to transition.  Big step.

I have always been attracted to women.  I don't find the male form all that attractive.  Still don't...  You can say that "I had such little interest in men, that I never even wanted to be one".  lol...  I have had a few girlfriends, although I was never really outgoing or particularly lucky with the ladies.  I always seemed to attract the ones that would see dollar signs and keep me strung along...  I've found that I have more luck meeting women after starting transition.  I wouldn't say that it's a physical thing, but more of a confidence thing.  I feel better about myself and women pick up on that and that's more potent than any physical attraction.  So I wouldn't worry about it.

[ScarletRed]

Hi girls I'm kinda in a similar situation where I'm no longer sure about my sexuality. I transitioned January 1 of this year and am living full time as the woman I have hidden for so long. I don't find men physically attractive, but I find the idea of being desired and swept of my feet  by a man appealing. I also don't feel like I could ever have the emotional connection I desire with a man. I'm physically, emotionally and sexually attracted to other women,but I have never dated because know at some point sex will come up. That is not something I can ever do, not with the parts I was born with. So I have reserved myself to the thought that I will likely be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't want that. It just seems like the only outcome given the challenges of my sexuality. So yes if I sound confused in this post well that's because I am. I don't know if anyone reading this post has been in my heels, but if you have I would love to hear how it worked out for you.


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[Desire]

As mac1 said
"I still greatly love my wife and look forward to a continued loving and committed  life with her.  I still have the desire to live openly both privately and publicly with my wife."

I entirely relate.  Fortunately for us my Wife is not only supportive but has had the same desire for as long as I.  We both embrace the entire connection we share.  Emotionally we have always been close but are far closer now that we've expressed our innermost desires and we each are blessed that they match.

I've just never felt comfortable as a male and the effort required to maintain that "role".  As my T levels decrease I'm far more comfortable.  And we are closer.  Transition is more of being accepted for myself and not a facade.  We will share this between us as our relationship is what matters most to each of us.

It's very refreshing that no matter what reason each individual may have to transition that we all support each other.
Thank You
Desire