feeling like I'm never going to make it

[gwencook]

Hi all,
So it's been a while since I've last posted so here's a quick update on things. My friends are really supportive still about everything and my life is still being controlled by my stepfather (I'm currently 22).
Every day feels like it's getting to be more of a struggle. I'm still constantly treated like rubbish and that I'm only something to be trod kn. When other people are at the house he's ok but as soon as people lesve it's a case I'm threatened with being kicked out or having my head smashed in (doubt he would become physical but the verbal stuff is really getting to me. I mean who would really like being treated like nothing from a person they've always looked up to?).
I've tried to leave before and he threatened to commit suicide and now thst I moved back it's like he had total control of my life.
All I want to do is get a job, move out, transition and live my own life. Yet I know why he still lives he'll never let me go. Please tell me it gets better

[FTMDiaries]

You know he's abusing you.
You know he's using emotional blackmail to try to force you to stay.
You know the only way this will change is if you leave.

So leave.

He won't willingly give you what you want, so you need to grab it for yourself. You'll be a lot safer if you don't give him any advance warning of your plans: if you tell him you're leaving, he may try to hurt you so just make plans behind his back and calmly walk out of the house as soon as you're ready.

If you can't afford to move, contact as many LGBT, Domestic Violence and Homeless charities as you can until you find one that is willing to provide you with safe accommodation whilst you find your feet. Explain how he's abusing how, and how he threatens to attack you. Or ask your friends whether you can stay with one of them for a couple of months whilst you find a job. And if he threatens suicide? Frankly, that's nothing to do with you; it's 100% his decision.

It will get better. But only when you do what you need to do and get the heck out of there. And never go back, because it'll keep getting worse every time you give in to his emotional blackmail.

[gwencook]

I did leave once before back in December and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I did left at night and without warning and only left a single note. He contacted me constantly asking me to move back and he tried to commit suicide  (I saw the scars on his arm). He made so many promises about how things would change and he would be a better person, yet all of that changed new years day.
My friends warned me (and so did my mom) that he could be lying and trying to be manipulative, yet I did not listen as I desperately wanted it to be true and so I came back.
Yet things have gone to how they were before and as I say all I get from him is threats of suicide. I really wish I hadn't come back
The other problem that I have is that I know despite what he has done and is doing if he did commit suicide I would blame myself for not being strong enough to deal with it (I know that sounds stupid but it's the only way I can explain it)

[RobynD]

Sorry you are experiencing that. I agree with the others leave the abusive situation now and avail yourself of all resources to get a safe place to stay and from which to launch the rest of your life.

As to his well being and potential suicide, you cannot be responsible for that. Believe me i have been suicidal in the past and all others can do is help him get the help he needs. You cannot sacrifice your own safety for his at this juncture. Then once you are out and he reaches for help perhaps you can help him get that help, support him emotionally to an extent and repair the relationship but only if you are safe and he is non-abusive.

[gwencook]

What you speak of about leaving is what I want to do. Yet he is getting counselling in April so hopefully this will help? Or am I just being too hopeful about something which isn't going to happen?
The way that people suggest leaving make it sound so easy, yet my dilemma is that I owe him £500 my bank £2000 and have 4 dogs which he claims he can't look after by himself. Is it possible I'm just making reasons to hold on in the hopes something will change?  Very possible

[Kylo]

Threatening suicide to manipulate someone is despicable. I've had someone do it to me, so I know how much it sucks.

If you left before you can do it again. It might be the only way to change the situation, since staying didn't.

[Sno]

(Hugs)

Oh sweetie. That's a rough situation to be in. I'd like to reiterate the message that you are not responsible for his actions, but his actions are very telling indeed.

He wants to keep his step-daughter very close, and yet is doing everything he can to make her feel really bad...

When he attempted suicide, did he receive any form of counselling or therapy? Did he see a therapist? Is he ultra dismissive of anything feminine, or of anything that resembles emotion, or expression? Is he in some ways a paradox - hyper masculine, and yet have behaviours that stand out as odd in a male context? Does he have a social circle? Is he self medicating using alcohol?

From reading through your posts, I felt at first blush that he has a personality disorder (possibly narcissistic), but then I would be ignoring my transdar - which is screaming at me.

Either way, you have to look after your own safety, talk to the bank, see if you can secure the extra 500 to pay him off, and get somewhere safe. The bank won't care, as long as payments are being met

Take care - we're here to listen

Rowan

[gwencook]

Yeah I have the feeling that leaving would be easier the second time as I've already done it before. But it's like I keep finding little reasons to get me to stay (I.e my dogs).
And I can't help but feel that in some way I would be responsible. If I stayed he wouldn't do anything, if I left be would so therefore it would be because of my actions he retaliated and Sno your point about him seeming like he wants to keep me around but does everything g to make me feel like crap is bang on. It's like when I buy a new game for xbox, he'll borrow me the money yet then will say when I have it oh you can't play it because I don't want you upstairs so much or will use the electric too much (despite having over £30) on the meter. It's now got to a point in which I actually feel really grateful for the little stuff people my age wouldn't give no consideration to.
And I know without doubt that's he's at least bisexual (I'd rather not get into how I know if that's OK?). And yes he does hide this. He hates me not looking a male (I'm pre everything right now) so he will try to go mad at me for anything he doesn't agree with (for instance I'm currently trying to grow my hair out but I get told of for it and called every name under the sun)
And yes when he tried to commit suicide before he was until a mental health team (who in fairness didn't help at all).
And unfortunately the bank has already informed me I can't borrow any more money :/

[big kim]

Leave, wash your hands of him & if he commits suicide the cops can file it under DSAF (Did Society A Favour).I'd have chinned him long ago

[FTMDiaries]

Ah, now that you're using £ as your currency in your posts, I can tell that you're in the UK which is wonderful news! It always helps to mention your location because there's an automatic assumption here that you'll be in the US, and a lot of the advice is US-centric.

See, your local council is responsible for housing you. They can provide emergency housing to get you out of an abusive situation, and they can provide long-term housing so you'll have your own place to stay.

So all you need to do is to contact your Council's housing team, explain you're in an abusive situation with a step-father who's threatening to beat you up & to commit suicide. Tell them you're frightened for your own safety & that you feel you're in immediate danger. Also, tell them about the dogs and ask whether they have anywhere where you could take the dogs with you (you do call them 'your' dogs: are they yours, or do they actually belong to your step-father?). They'll arrange emergency accommodation for you & will get you on the housing list so you can have a place of your own.

Then go to your local Citizens Advice Bureau to get advice on other accommodation options; benefits; domestic violence assistance etc. Yes, you are currently being subjected to domestic violence: emotional abuse and blackmail, and threatening suicide if you leave, are all forms of domestic violence.

Then as soon as you find a new place, just walk out with your stuff without saying a word to your step-father. Block his numbers & social media so he can't try to blackmail you into returning. Tell the rest of your family that you've moved out because you can't stand his abuse any more, and tell them you don't want him to know where you are and you don't want any contact with him. It also sounds pretty ominous when you say you have reasons to know why he's bisexual & that he doesn't want you to look feminine. That suggests he's either sexually abusing you, or that he wants to.

He's not likely to change, and that counselling he's supposed to be going for in April is not likely to make things better for you. Don't hold on to false hope: please, get out as soon as humanly possible. Then if by some miracle he does change, you can always visit him on occasion to keep your relationship going. But never move back in with him, because it'll get worse every time you do!

[gwencook]

Oh right, sorry wants aware of that but thanks for clearing it up
I was advised about that when I left the first time because I have a good friend who works for victim support and gave me loads of information about the help that would be available. Yet I did not listen and instead came back :/
and that's new information to me cause my dad always said that the council won't do anything for a domestic problem :/ and my family have nothing to do with him. My mom and sister left 3/4 years ago and would probably encourage me to leave. I have no contact whatsoever woth any of my family because of him (yet when I say this to him he just retorts it's not his fault I'm too much of an annoyance for them to put up with).
As I say I really don't want to talk about it because that's something I'm really really not ready to deal with. And yeah the point that counselling may not help has been reiterated by my friends often tbh