If its so easy, why don't ya...

[HappyMoni]

Ever get tired of people saying to you that you shouldn't worry about what people think? Unless you pass really good, ya get looked at a little too long, double takes coming your way, Gosh, hopefully not a snicker. I was out at Friendly's  tonight eating with my partner. She is a great ally, very supportive. So, I got to thinking after talking about being 'noticed' that anyone who doesn't understand what RLE is like should get dressed up (crossdress) and go out for one trip in public. Just once! It isn't exactly the same, I know, they are pretending. I think it would open their eyes a bit.

On the way home, I challenged her to just talk in her best guy voice for the ride. She said it was exhausting and really hard. She did make me laugh though. When I was backing into our driveway, she boomed out in her best bass, "Watch where you're goin woman." Bout busted my bustle.
Moni

[Steph7]

Hey Moni -

I know the saying "you shouldn't worry about what people think" well.

I am just about to go full time myself and I am soo scared of the work component - even though I have already come out to my management.

The issue is I already get too much attention dressing as a male - so I am really hopeful it doesn't get worse. I really prefer to just walk around with out being noticed.

But Moni - you shouldn't worry what other people think

Take care
Steph

[FTMDiaries]

The issue is I already get too much attention dressing as a male - so I am really hopeful it doesn't get worse. I really prefer to just walk around with out being noticed.

I prefer to go unnoticed too, and to be honest I'm fortunate to have passing privilege now... but it wasn't always that way.

If we don't pass 100% then everyone seems to stare, and some snicker, and some can be confrontational. I found that I lost a certain amount of privacy in public spaces because all of a sudden everyone else thinks they have a right to an opinion on you; as if public spaces are their spaces and you're an interloper that doesn't have an equal right to be there. It's very unpleasant at the time but you do get used to it, until eventually you get to the point where you just roll your eyes at how pathetic and ridiculous other people are if they think their silly little opinions matter to you.

You'll develop a tough skin. We all have to.

[AlyssaJ]

I totally get what you're saying.  I think many of us say that to each other to try and be encouraging.  It takes a certain "Here I am, you'll just have to deal with me as I am" attitude to get out in public.  I'm learning this first hand right now. So I think a lot of trans will say that to each other as a way to build confidence.  Also, there is some truth in many cases to the concept that we build things up more in our heads than what they are in reality.  You go out shopping and you're nervous so your hyper-sensitive to everything.  Every glance or quick look from a stranger feels like they're staring and judging when in reality, they likely don't really care or if they do aren't going to say or do anything anyway.  So again, I think telling people to have that attitude is just trying to pump them up to get out there and just do it despite the fear.

Again, I totally get where you're coming from and as someone still building that confidence, it can get annoying having people constantly tell you how easy it should be to just ignore the opinions of others.

[Kylo]

No, because it's true, but I do get tired of people being people.

[laurenb]

For me it's like I can have two opposing thoughts in my head at the same time. One - total self acceptance and I just do as I will without regard to how I relate to others. Two - Oh My God I'm a freak and everyone knows it and is shunning me to be polite or *not*. Either thought can dominate at times. And I'm not even full time yet. My partner, she always acts cool like nothing is going on when Lauren and her are together in public, like we're two women just doing our thing. And all the while I've got this ongoing conflict going on inside me. It scares me to think about being full time. Not sure I can do it.

[HappyMoni]

Hi all,
   My thought for this post was more about the people on the sidelines, family or coworkers than about me. Without any concept of what reality is for a trans person, they throw out comments like, "Oh, you shouldn't worry what people think." (My partner is not really in this category.) I felt like these people have no clue what it is like, how could they get a feel for it, hence my 'try it for an outing' idea. What kind of person would I be to tell a person going out for the first time, "Oh don't worry about what people think." It isn't realistically helpful, and it is hardly empathetic. Today I would say something more like, "You are gonna have the thought that everyone is looking. It is normal to feel this. Its a tough stage to go through, but you can handle it. It will get better and better. The fear will subside and you will get to where you want to be."
   As for me, most times I don't agonize over what others think. Sometimes it bothers me especially when my unpredictable voice acts up. It brings to mind the old saying of 'having skin in the game.' If I am bothered by a look (or whatever) I don't need someone with no skin in the game telling me I shouldn't feel that way.
   To anyone thinking of going full time. You will regret letting fear stop you from getting to your true self. You will be surprised at what you can do. Truly living life means taking some chances, but it is possible to do this. At first you will think of all the negatives that could go bad, but there are positives that are hidden from you now that will blow you away with how good they are. Take a chance on the real you. If I could do it, you can! You're much more awesomer than me. 
Moni

[Rayna]

I'm still so new at this that I'm giving myself grace. I know I don't have anything dialed in yet: voice, walk, wig, makeup, etc. I know I won't come close to passing now. So when I do go out dressed, which is still the exception, I expect the looks and have hardened myself. I haven't yet had a negative interaction, so I know I'm skating by what many of you have had to endure.

I do think we over sensitize to other people's reactions. In reality most of them aren't expecting to see a trans person, so their glance at us isn't usually all that perceptive. They probably just catalog us as unusual and move on, unless there's time to linger. Now when there's time to linger, now that's much harder. So far I haven't been much in that situation except in supportive environments (gay/trans bar etc.). More learning ahead for me!
Love Randy

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[Angela Drakken]

I never understood the whole RLE thing, and thankfully, I'm told it's a pretty 'flexible' requirement here in the land of ice and snow.

'You shouldn't care what people think!' is a tired old cliché. I frankly don't care what people think, I care about what action their backwards thoughts causes them to take against me, if any. For most people, they're cowards, and would never dream of confrontation. Other times, people can be quite violent and hateful. That said, I became pretty desensitized to a lot f the jeers and stares and awful comments very early on, having always dressed like it's a funeral somewhere, even on a sunny spring day.

[HappyMoni]

'You shouldn't care what people think!' is a tired old cliché. I frankly don't care what people think, I care about what action their backwards thoughts causes them to take against me, if any. For most people, they're cowards, and would never dream of confrontation. Other times, people can be quite violent and hateful. That said, I became pretty desensitized to a lot f the jeers and stares and awful comments very early on, having always dressed like it's a funeral somewhere, even on a sunny spring day.

.
   Maybe I am naive. I don't see the reason for people not acting against me as cowardice. Maybe we have walked different paths. I am not directing this at you personally, but many people who say they don't care really do.
   I will be the first to admit I care what others think (to a point.) I am not ashamed to admit I want to be perceived as a woman. If I didn't care about the reactions of others, I could have cross dressed at home rather than transition.  Cross dressing was unsatisfying  to me (one of many reasons) because I need the social acceptance of being seen as the woman I am. So, that process means you try to harden yourself to some of the negative. I have done this. Sometimes negative things get to me though. There is no shame in that. My post was about those on the sideline who dismiss concerns I might have with, "Oh you shouldn't worry about what they think."  In what world is that a helpful comment. They have no clue what it takes to transition, yet I am foolish for feeling any distress.  It's almost like, "It's your own fault for allowing yourself to be hurt."
   Okay, so if anyone reading this thinks they don't care what people think, why are you posting your opinions on the internet. I'm sure you never read the posts in response to what you post, since you don't care what others think. I rest my case. Bailiff, release the accused.She has been found...human, after all.
Monica

[Angela Drakken]

.
   Maybe I am naive. I don't see the reason for people not acting against me as cowardice. Maybe we have walked different paths. I am not directing this at you personally, but many people who say they don't care really do.
   I will be the first to admit I care what others think (to a point.) I am not ashamed to admit I want to be perceived as a woman. If I didn't care about the reactions of others, I could have cross dressed at home rather than transition.  Cross dressing was unsatisfying  to me (one of many reasons) because I need the social acceptance of being seen as the woman I am. So, that process means you try to harden yourself to some of the negative. I have done this. Sometimes negative things get to me though. There is no shame in that. My post was about those on the sideline who dismiss concerns I might have with, "Oh you shouldn't worry about what they think."  In what world is that a helpful comment. They have no clue what it takes to transition, yet I am foolish for feeling any distress.  It's almost like, "It's your own fault for allowing yourself to be hurt."
   Okay, so if anyone reading this thinks they don't care what people think, why are you posting your opinions on the internet. I'm sure you never read the posts in response to what you post, since you don't care what others think. I rest my case. Bailiff, release the accused.She has been found...human, after all.
Monica

Trust me, I get it. I actually get it. One can only be so strong when people seem to be doing everything they humanly can to either get in our way, bring us down, or dismiss our feelings as irrelevant. 'Not caring what people think' doesnt stop someone from smashing a bottle on your skull and leaving you for dead at the side of the road, or from throwing garbage at you from the safety of their moving vehicle when youre walking home from work at night. It doesnt stop people from trying to run you down on your way to work with their vehicle. It certainly doesnt stop people from deliberately going out of their way to call you 'sir' when they're helping you at the checkout and so you primarily do your business via drive through or sneaking pictures of you with their smartphone to share with their friends the circus act they saw at the mall that day.

I never meant to say I didnt fully care what people thought. I'm dreading my own brothers reaction to my coming out even if he accepts me 'as I am' when theres no title or social stigma attached to it. My hair stands on the back of my neck still when a group of rednecks gives me the side eye and start walking closer and I go into full 'fight or flight' mode for a good while after.

Like I said, I care more what the thoughts make them do. How they make them act or treat me differently. And no one likes for their feelings to be dismissed entirely as being 'too sensitive.' I think the worst one I've heard yet was 'its the estrogen making you a cry baby. It wasnt that bad!'

The sad part of it is,  aside from deliberate misgendering, I can never really tell if its a trans thing or just because I like to dress like someone died.. =/

Theres nothing wrong with being human, or expecting to be treated as one, and in the correct gender. (And it's certainly not naive.)

[LizK]

I am striving to be in that place of self acceptance where I don't care what people do or say and become oblivious to it. I am getting better at being able to shut out the world around me when I go out as I need to. I have found that people are usually so bound up in their own lives that their fleeting encounter with me is of very little importance to most people...as it should be. The people with me notice the looks and comments more than I ever do...but its not as if I am off to work or clubbing either..LOL

Liz

[CharleeGrrl]

I get you completely. I've been RLE for 3 yrs now. I'm accepted by 2 of my 4 grown kids and most all of my 12 grands. The rest can just grow up. And so can the rest of the world. In try 261lbs, and I'm constantly told I look like a "real woman" all the time. No surgeries yet. All hormones, some OTC meds/herbal stuff, shopped online at nice places and I carry myself as a woman at all times.
   That's the key!!
So turn that key in the lock, AND DONT YOU LOOK BACK, GIRLFRIEND!!!
   All my love to you all, always!

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[laurenb]

   To anyone thinking of going full time. You will regret letting fear stop you from getting to your true self. You will be surprised at what you can do. Truly living life means taking some chances, but it is possible to do this. At first you will think of all the negatives that could go bad, but there are positives that are hidden from you now that will blow you away with how good they are. Take a chance on the real you. If I could do it, you can! You're much more awesomer than me. 
Moni

That's the most encouraging thing I've read in a while. In my heart I know you're right. Thanks!

As for the people who want you to just get over it and forget what other people think, it reminds me of when I was a kid. "Just get up off the ground and forget about that bully"... or better yet, "Just be a man". Maybe just ignorance and the inability for someone to put themselves in your shoes - or  - it's too easy for them to feel your feelings and it's frightening; not sure which.

[warlockmaker]

I am just dead set against anyone being forced to do RLE. Its totally barbaric. The new generation of TG with the growing public knowledge and with it will comes public acceptance. The new generation will not need to suffer and can live a normal life. I had no RLE, no depression, a super star male and now a superstar tg and proud of it. I can pass easily and I never been made but I make it a point to tell anyone I know I am Tg. Be proud of who you are.

[LizK]

At some point you have to overcome this fear of what and how people will react...in the most part they don't. In the most part they may glance but not even for the reason you may think. We bring all this extra baggage with us when we go out. If we are not careful that baggage is more likely to bring us undone that our presentation. It is easy to find a sneer or a bad word if you are constantly hunting and expecting it.

RLE should be a choice and done only when you are ready. I also think it is barbaric to force anyone to do RLE for what ever trumped up reason they may use.

I know the fear, the fear makes it seem far, far, more daunting than the reality. Being careful about your own personal safety is important and can easily be forgotten, so be safe and make smart choices. Anyone wondering should I shouldn't I...don't let fear rule your decision making

Liz

[HappyMoni]

If anyone took offense to my last post, I am sorry. Perhaps I was too intent on making my point and thinking it might be getting lost. Once a thread is launched, it goes in different directions depending on what the reader takes from it. Maybe I lost sight of that. I will now try to behave. lol
This topic though has made me more aware of the immense pressure we are under to not care what people think of us. It is well meaning to say, "Hold your head up. Don't let people bother you." Maybe it is worth recognizing that it is okay to be bothered sometimes. I have come a long way in my progress. Most times at work I don't think about being trans at all. I am good with people knowing I am trans. Sometimes I just want to be an anonymous person that gets no attention and when that is violated, it bothers me. If I need to vent or talk about someone staring, I don't want to be shut down with, "Don't worry about it." All of the people just starting to go public should know, "It is a tough thing to do at the start, it will get better, but talk about it if it bothers you. Don't feel guilty if you are troubled by people." This isn't a criticism of people giving the usual advice, but maybe a little recognition that, if you are bothered by something, it's normal  and okay.
Angela, I'm sorry for what you have been through. From what you described, you have had to deal with a lot that I haven't. Your point was a good one and I thank you for expressing it.
Moni
I hope I behaved. I need a ticker for the number of days in a row that I am good, one with a reset button. 🙂

[HappyMoni]

That's the most encouraging thing I've read in a while. In my heart I know you're right. Thanks!

As for the people who want you to just get over it and forget what other people think, it reminds me of when I was a kid. "Just get up off the ground and forget about that bully"... or better yet, "Just be a man". Maybe just ignorance and the inability for someone to put themselves in your shoes - or  - it's too easy for them to feel your feelings and it's frightening; not sure which.

Sorry I meant to respond to you Lauren,

   It is true. As you go forth, you will find strength you didn't know you had. Don't worry if it gets hard sometimes. The rewards are there.
   Maybe everyone should experience being trans or being bullied  for a brief time so the empathy has a chance to form in them.
Moni

[LizK]

"Maybe it is worth recognizing that it is okay to be bothered sometimes"

Totally agree

If we don't ever acknowledge we are bothered then it makes it much harder to find a working solution. People stare and comment and try to make us feel uncomfortable and quite often succeed. It is how we handle it that can easily either make our lives better or worse. To be flippantly told "Just hold your head up Don't let people bother you" doesn't help on any level, some practical advice to go along with it would be nice...

Liz

[Steph7]

And as the first responder in this thread I need to also highlight my personal fears for where I am at the moment (at the pinnacle of going full time ) likely spilled in to my interpretation of what the thread was about.

For that Moni I apologise for potentially highjacking your thread

Take care
Steph