I still wonder if I have come to terms with it or if I' m in some sort of denial. I' ve never really tried to be a woman, it's just not in me and nobody cared too much either. I always did everything I wanted, it's not like "being a woman" ever stopped me from things. Even though I' m not "out", people, especially men, do not treat me the same as they treat women. So do I have GENDER dysphoria? I' m not sure, my mother seems to be the only one who sometimes comment about it, like "You shouldn't unclog the pipe to the sewer because you are a woman, let the men do that, it's their job". However, my male neighbour who asked me to unclog the sewer didn't seem to have a problem with me doing it, infact he asked me to since he had a bad knee. So really, the only thing that "being a woman" is stopping me from doing is wearing ties in public (except for cosplay). I studied what I wanted, I' m in a relationship with a cis woman and we're getting married soon ... I' m not sure how things would have changed if I "acted like a woman" (whatever that might mean, I honestly don't know what it is to be a woman) or if I was born anatomically male.
Now, do I have body dysphoria? Yes, I do not look like I look in my mind. However, I cannot change that since I would have to grow considerably taller and change my body shape, which is not something that can happen with hormonal treatment or surgery. It is not the only dysphoria I have though, and although it might sound really weird... I feel like I also have "time period dysphoria" and I'm not living in either the time period or the country where I' m supposed to be, while one can be changed, the other can't.
To overcome all those dysphorias that I' ve had all my life (including the time period dysphoria, as I wrote about it when I was 10), I became super spiritual. I developed a really strong belief system that I still have today, where reality is just perception, and by changing that perception we change reality, since it doesn't exist outside ourselves. We are how and what we think we are, and time is not a linear progression. I consider everything that exists as a matter of vibrations, by changing our particular vibration we change that surrounding us.
I haven't abandoned it because it works for me, people perceive me spiritually (and sometimes physically, which is weird) how I think I am. At the same time positive thinking and taking action have changed my reality, turning around certain events. I haven't been able to do much in the time department yet, but I' m working on it.
Am I in denial and rationalizing everything because "reality" is too much to bear and accept? It's always a possibility, but I cannot stop feeling that there's more to life than what we see and commonly experience.
