Questioning

[statice]

Hello, everyone. I'm currently questioning my gender, and I've become kind of... stuck. I guess I'm looking for thoughts/advice. Apologies in advance for this being so long.

So, I started questioning my gender about two and a half years ago, from what I can remember. For most of that time, it's been the kind of thing where I think about it for a little while and then brush it off and shove it to the back of my mind. When I first started questioning I thought maybe I could be genderfluid. I think that was mainly because the thought of separating myself too much from being a cis woman was (and still is) terrifying. I'm not good with change in general and I've spent my whole life being treated as a girl. Then, when I realized genderfluid didn't seem right, I started questioning if I was agender. Somehow going from female to genderfluid or agender seemed like less of a "jump" than female to male, and it almost felt "safer" and less of a change in a way (and I know this is a ridiculous idea, it was just my brain trying to rationalize it). But agender didn't feel right either, and I kept gravitating back to the possibility of being male. About three weeks ago, I watched a youtube video of a trans guy talking about his transition, and then I ended up just binge watching a whole bunch of those kinds of videos, and since then I haven't been able to stop thinking about my gender.

The point I'm trying to get to here: there are three main things that are really causing a lot of doubt.

1) Depersonalization. I've had constant depersonalization for years. Like, it never goes away, and I don't remember the last time I actually felt grounded and connected to my body. I definitely remember having it from the time I entered college (my freshman year was when I finally googled how I was feeling and found the word for what I was experiencing) but I'm almost certain it started even before that and that starting college (which was a really rough time for me) just made it kinda worse. My freshman year of college was also the time when I first started questioning my gender. I just. Don't know how to navigate figuring out if I actually am a trans guy when I have very little connection to myself in general? Like maybe it's the fact that I'm constantly depersonalized and have little connection to myself that is making me question my gender, when maybe I'm just a depersonalized cis girl blowing this one particular thing out of proportion.

2) Tumblr and the Internet. I've been reading a lot of stuff online about being trans lately, and unfortunately that includes some transphobic ->-bleeped-<- from ""concerned"" parents being against allowing children/teens/young adults who come out as trans to transition because "it's just a phase and they'll regret it later in life." But one of the recurring points was about teens and young adults who go on Tumblr and binge-watch trans youtubers' videos (read right after I—you guessed it—just got done binge watching a ->-bleeped-<- ton of trans youtubers' videos!!) That binge-watching/reading these things somehow convinced them that they're trans when they're really not. And don't get me wrong, I would never think this is true about any other trans person, but because it's me questioning my own gender, like maybe they're right in my case and I just started really thinking I might be trans because I watched too many videos. It wasn't until I watched all these youtube videos that it really hit me. Like, it almost feels more Real to hear a trans guy verbally speaking about his experiences in a video than just reading a text post, idk. But on the other hand: maybe they're right and I've just spent way too much time on Tumblr/YouTube.

3) Daydreaming. Okay so, I daydream excessively. Like, maladaptive daydreaming kind of excessive, if you've heard about that. I've been doing it in excessive quantities since I was a little kid. I daydream from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, and it's to the point now where I can multitask daydreaming and doing most things. I mean there are plenty of times where I get caught up daydreaming and really space out and can't focus on anything else, but for the most part I can juggle doing that and other things at the same time. But the point here it that early on in high school I suddenly made my daydream self a boy. I never really questioned it, I'm not sure why I did it, but my Self in my daydreams has been a boy ever since, using a unisex nickname people sometimes use for me as his name. More recently, as I've been thinking more often about the possibility of being trans, he has also switched to being a trans guy (whereas before he was a cis guy) and uses a completely different, more masculine name, but is still supposed to be me. I'm torn between whether making my daydream character inexplicably a boy was a Sign that I'm trans before I consciously started questioning, or if daydreaming constantly about a male version of myself has just made me think I might be trans when I'm just a cis girl...

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Statice,

  I'm Jeanette and welcome to Susan's Place. It's a good place to be with lots of good people who want to help you by sharing themselves with you.  You wrote a lot about how you are questioning your gender. Whoa I think that is one thing most if not all of us here do or have done. I am MtF and have been doing HRT for abut 3 1/2 months now and just tonight was wondering what the heck I was doing?
   As a MtF I have no help with your particular gender problem but I am willing to bet there a many here that can help you.

  Jeanette

[LizK]

Hi Statice

Welcome and I hope you enjoy your time here at Susan's.

Lots of good questions. I think the things you are asking are common for many people who are finding out that they are trans...where do I fit...how do I fit...can I change...what to change. All sorts of questions and these all take time to sort out.

Maybe you were influenced by the video's on utube, maybe you recognised something about yourself...

I would be looking to find someone knowledgeable who can sit down and talk one on one to you about this tuff. Do you have access to a counsellors?

Regards

Liz


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[Daniellekai]

It's one thing for an impressionable mind to be exposed to YouTube videos and suddenly say they're the opposite gender for a week, quite another to have thoughts since high school and seek out those same videos years later. I'm not qualified to make any diagnosis, and I'm also MTF, but the story sounds very familiar, even down to exploring options that would be easier, like bi-gendered, and gender fluid (not saying no one is, but I've come to the conclusion I'm not, and it was just a convenient half measure).

Two questions I read in another thread that I'm going to steal...
If you could push a button to change gender immediately, would you?
If there was a 100% accurate trans test, and it said that you weren't, would you be disappointed?

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. What's the fix for to much internet? More internet. The trick is to look at the correct sites for information. This site is very useful for that however I have a couple of additional links you might find useful. The first is our WIKI where you may find something that describes what you feel. The second is "the transition channel" where a gender therapist will take you through some of the questions you might face in therapy. For now, just keep asking questions and the answer will come to you.

[David1987]

Hello Statice
I' m a transman (although I don't think I'm an FTM because I' m not transitioning). I personally never thought of myself as female, I don't even know what it is to be a woman, or how to be one. I just am the way I am and that way seems to fit in the male box.
As for the questions that concern you, is your depersonalization only towards your body or also towards your mind? If it's only towards your body, maybe then just take the time to explore your psyche better, since that's who we really are. Our bodies are just the car we are using at the moment, but they might not represent who is driving it.
I don't think that what you watched online is the cause of your gender questioning but the consequence. The mere fact that you are curious about it and binging on videos means that there's something in your mind. We don't spend hours watching stuff we are not interested in or don't connect with us at some level. Also, as others pointed out, if you would have just been influenced, it would have gone away in a week or so.
Daydreaming is not something to underestimate either, as they express our inner desires and the subconscious emerge.

I suppose nobody can tell you if you are transgendered or not, it's something you have to figure out yourself. There's also no universal definition on what it is to be a man or a woman, you are basically what you feel you are. 

[CrziCricket]

Hey statice,

I want to start by saying that I am sorry if this is wordy or do not make sense... proof-reading is outside of the capacity of my brain right now...

I get where you are coming from, I too have been in that place for a while and am constantly questioning myself and doubting how I really feel. One thing that has really helped is being here at Susan's Place. There are a lot of people who have experienced more of life than I have but have always felt something akin to my experience. It has shown me that it won't go away.

I feel most of my doubt comes from a place of fearing change. Whether that is what this change will mean for me or what this change will mean for those around me.

One thing my therapist talked to me about was that it is normal to fear for the loss of who you always have been and the titles that come with it. I too have only known being raised as a female, being addressed as a female, being treated as a female, yet that has never really seemed to fit. I spent the better part of the last 6-7 years trying desperately to make it fit.

As I have opened myself up to what I am feeling (through a lot of research and, like you, youtube and blog/vlog engagement plus self-reflection) I have noticed that these feelings have always existed in some way. Whether it was dreading puberty, being happy my chest didn't develop until HS, hating the growth after having a child, always working to be perceived as "one of the guys"....All while feeling very disconnected from myself. Especially as I have fought to fit into the role of 'woman'

Lately a lot of the things I have noticed in myself are what I want to look like and be perceived as but cannot achieve with my current set of hormones.... leg hair, chest hair, muscles, shoulders, little to no waist discernment, a sharper face, a deeper voice.... Not to mention a smaller chest.

Then I wonder...."what if I am just being weird right now...." "maybe I don't really want this..."  "does this mean I really want to be a guy..."  "maybe im just a manly girl...." the list goes on and on depending on what exactly I am looking at at the moment.

I cannot give you much solace... I cannot really help you make a choice, but I have gone back and forth on whether I feel more non-binary or transmale or transmasculine, something it seems you can relate to, and I think a lot of that back and forth is related to that same old fear of change...

Cricket

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Statice.  Having doubts is normal.  I am well on my way to transitioning, never turning back, and still I have occasional doubts.  I call them my WTF-am-I-doing moments.  But then I take a deep breath and remember what I am doing and why.  The point is that doubts are normal.

What might help to answer your main question is this: cis people do not generally question their gender.  So the fact that you are persistently questioning yours suggests that you probably are somewhere on the trans spectrum.

It would be helpful to talk to a gender therapist to find out just where on the spectrum you might be.

[Aspiringstar94]

It's one thing for an impressionable mind to be exposed to YouTube videos and suddenly say they're the opposite gender for a week, quite another to have thoughts since high school and seek out those same videos years later. I'm not qualified to make any diagnosis, and I'm also MTF, but the story sounds very familiar, even down to exploring options that would be easier, like bi-gendered, and gender fluid (not saying no one is, but I've come to the conclusion I'm not, and it was just a convenient half measure).

Two questions I read in another thread that I'm going to steal...
If you could push a button to change gender immediately, would you?
If there was a 100% accurate trans test, and it said that you weren't, would you be disappointed?

Wow this really put things into perspective for me.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Daniellekai]

I think I misquoted the first question, it's supposed to also indicate that no one would notice, they'd all think you'd always been the new gender.  (consequence-less gender change button), basically would you press it just for you.  If I could remember what thread I read it in I'd link it... I'll try searching! lol

No luck, I think it's a little off, as it only produced one page of results for a very general search (just the word button)

[statice]

Thank you everyone for your replies! It's quite reassuring to know that other people have similar doubts. I also have issues with depression and anxiety so I think I'm going to try to get an appointment with a counselor, finally, this summer once I'm home from college to deal with some of this mess...

This site is very useful for that however I have a couple of additional links you might find useful. The first is our WIKI where you may find something that describes what you feel. The second is "the transition channel" where a gender therapist will take you through some of the questions you might face in therapy.

Thank you for the links, I'll definitely check them out.

I don't think that what you watched online is the cause of your gender questioning but the consequence. The mere fact that you are curious about it and binging on videos means that there's something in your mind. We don't spend hours watching stuff we are not interested in or don't connect with us at some level. Also, as others pointed out, if you would have just been influenced, it would have gone away in a week or so.
Daydreaming is not something to underestimate either, as they express our inner desires and the subconscious emerge.

This, and similar comments a few others made, is definitely reassuring.

One thing my therapist talked to me about was that it is normal to fear for the loss of who you always have been and the titles that come with it. I too have only known being raised as a female, being addressed as a female, being treated as a female, yet that has never really seemed to fit. I spent the better part of the last 6-7 years trying desperately to make it fit.

Cricket, this sounds like me, too. I think the fear of change, because I've spent nearly twenty one years of my life being raised, addressed, and treated female, and the anxiety of "what if I'm wrong??" (felt even if the signs are all there and I basically know I'm not wrong) are holding me back.