So I've already told a friend about this bc he's trans and understands what I'm going through but I just want an outside opinion. Sorry if it's confusing to read it's just hard to articulate the thoughts in my head; this is basically a mess. It's a little disorganized and I apologize in advance. Sorry about my language as well, I just tend to curse a lot. 😅
I don't feel like a girl. Most of the time, I don't get any sort of crippling dysphoria, but idk if it's bc I just shove these thoughts away until I actually have to deal with them bc that's when it gets bad and I hate everything about myself. Most of the time it's mild, and I can deal with being female, like, it's just more subtle stuff like wanting to look/dress/act more like a guy and be seen as/treated as a dude. I've been jealous of guys purely bc they're guys. Like, I wanna look like them and be like them, but I don't wanna go to bed with them. I guess it started when I was younger, maybe; I'd play as a boy in a game/playing pretend sometimes, i loved playing in the dirt and getting dirty, and I liked masculine toys like cars and whatnot even though I eventually became girlier I guess. When I was about ten, I thought I was cool if I watched 'big kid' teen shows like Degrassi and there was a trans guy on there, and I wanted to be him. There's been times where I've dressed masculinely out in public bc I wanted to get mistaken for a boy. I'll wear sports bras for a flatter chest and occasionally shove a sock down my pants to make it feel like something's down there. I do feminine things like shaving my legs and wearing makeup bc I feel like I'm expected to as a girl, not bc I really want to. Dresses and skirts make me feel disgusting when I wear them. I've practiced deepening my voice so it's not as high. I can deal with having a vagina I guess, but whenever I masturbate (I'll do it when I need to get off like it's natural lmao), I feel disgusted with myself after and it's not because of the whole sex thing, that doesn't gross me out, just the vagina itself doesn't feel right. It's like something's missing down there. I mean I'd rather jerk myself off i guess. (I know it's a little tmi but I'm just trying to jot down everything I can think of I've been racking my brain for any sign of being trans to try to validate it or rule out the thought of me being trans) I hate my body, and it's more bc there's curves where there shouldn't be, fat where there should be muscle, it's not the omg-I'm-so-fat-and-ugly-comment-on-my-selfie-saying-I'm-not kind of body hate. It's more like I'd rather have a dick instead of a vagina.
If I could choose, I guess I'd start life over as a male. I've wondered what it would be like if I'd been a male for my whole life. Whenever I picture myself in the future, I always see myself as a male.
Each year, I just feel worse and worse about myself, and it's like I've just created this persona. Like I'm not really myself, and I don't know who I actually am. I just feel so numb and crappy. None of me feels real. When I refer to myself as 'he,' or 'Jay,' instead of 'she,' or my birth name, though, I feel instantly better and more like myself. I've been referring to myself as that lately, and I feel less like ->-bleeped-<-. It feels fake though since I still try to be feminine and I guess I don't realize how much I hate it until I'm not shoving my thoughts about being a dude away anymore and they hit me full-force and then I hate being feminine.
I thought that I was just gay for a while, but I think it's more than that. So, I don't really know what to think.
Sorry if this is a long post, but I promise I'm trying to get to the point. You know how I mentioned shoving away all the ->-bleeped-<- I don't wanna deal with into a corner until I have to actually deal with it bc it's been festering for so long? That's why this all feels fake to me. I feel like I'm faking these thoughts and that I'm just trying to be this to be special and different, especially with how obsessively I've been researching it and thinking about it lately. But I don't think it's some weird phase either, because I've kept researching stuff about being trans over the past couple years and it's not something I just questioned and dropped. I just question. And then I shove it away. Until I question again. And again. And again. It's just something that's kept coming back over the past couple years, like since maybe the beginning of high school. I just don't know what to do, bc I feel more certain than not that I might be trans.
I just need some opinions and some guidance, I suppose. Thank you to whoever actually read this, it's probably annoying.
Tl;dr: basically I'm just trying to figure stuff out with some help from objective readers after finding this website.
