I just hope it was worth it all

[Amoré]

Hi guy's I guess this is just a blow of steam post 

Well we have been at it for about year and a half now after she separated with me. Back and forth communication and fighting. I could not leave her alone and I would text her and fight with her about my views and reasoning and how we could have done it better and different and if she only took me back I would show her and be a man for her and a dad for my child. I knew nothing about break ups and the no contact rule! Well more than a year later after moving out I finally have the no contact rule in place. I think the contact drove her further away and that was my mistake I made. I should have just continued with life minding my own business.

The contact I think distorted and trauma from the breakup distorts reality and the past and it feels if I am still reliving my past. It is almost a week of no contact and it is so difficult.

Not only that I am going off meds and is suffering from withdrawal also.

I am in a relationship with someone new actually but this communication continued even in this relationship. I am obsessed with her and can't get her of my mind even in a new relationship. I dream about her every night also.

If it wasn't for me coming out as transgender and wanting to transition none of this would have happened. I sit and look at the woman in the mirror sometimes and have angry feelings towards her because she threw my world upside down. 

Just now with no contact it feels if I am reliving the breakup and divorce all over again. In my screwed up subconscious  I think my head still had a bond with her still a relationship with the communication even if it was bad.

I hope this all is worth it and becoming a woman is worth all this pain all that I lost.  It is my first love that I lost we have been together from high school. I should be over her by now after almost two years

[FTMDiaries]

If it wasn't for me coming out as transgender and wanting to transition none of this would have happened. I sit and look at the woman in the mirror sometimes and have angry feelings towards her because she threw my world upside down. 

Think if of this way: if it wasn't for your ex refusing to accept who you are and to love you for better & for worse, in sickness and in health - just like she'd vowed to do - none of this would've happened.

It's not the fault of the woman in the mirror. She has every right to exist. She's not the one turning everyone's world upside down.

[SailorMars1994]

You are going to hate me I know but I need to be blunt. Everything you have said about your ex points to her being very vindictive and has a lot of hate in her. It hurts, i can understand that but in truth, in the long road I think it is most healthy for you and her to avoid each other. She seems hell bent on hurting you.

[Amoré]

You are talking the truth she is hell bend in hurting me. I wanted to make it work for my daughter that is all. We had her at a therapist and the therapist told us she is suffering with my transition and the divorce and is very confused. I told this to my ex before we got divorced that all this is hurting my daughter. But she can only think about herself and not living with a transgender person. I may have done some stupid things in the relationship but I was willing to give up the woman in the mirror for them give up expressing and living out my life as a woman for her and my daughter.

Yes I do think transitioning was a coping mechanism also of distracting me from the divorce. I do sometimes feel that my divorce was a driver.


She still believes I had more in me to stay male well I had but I just said I am not going to suffer anymore I am free from her if she divorces free to become who I want.

[JeanetteLW]

My dear Amore.
    I understand completely. I went through much the same thing with my ex. Even after I was escorted from my own home by the cops and server with a restraining order I continued to love her. She outted me to all our friends and even came to my work to out me to my manager. But I continued to love her. I grieved for her for several years after. I was so hurt that I wished she had died instead of divorcing me. I felt that would have been easier to deal with. I was at the lowest point in my life and contemplated ending it to end the pain. I got close to doing it but could not make myself pull the trigger.  I moved away from her to Oregon and never spoke to her again. Even when my son died my daughter acted as a go between for the legal matters.
   It's been over twenty years now. I quit the drugs and alcohol, rebuilt my relationship with my daughter. I have never bad mouthed my ex to my daughter, instead I have let her draw her own conclusions. I now realize that my ex did the best thing she could do for herself by divorcing me. I still feel the hurt at times. But it more of a regret than anything else.
   You will eventually accept that she is no longer a part of your everyday life but it will take time. You'll learn to let go. Let go and let God as they say. I know I had to do just that.

   Hugs and sympathy,
   Jeanette

[Amoré]

My dear Amore.
    I understand completely. I went through much the same thing with my ex. Even after I was escorted from my own home by the cops and server with a restraining order I continued to love her. She outted me to all our friends and even came to my work to out me to my manager. But I continued to love her. I grieved for her for several years after. I was so hurt that I wished she had died instead of divorcing me. I felt that would have been easier to deal with. I was at the lowest point in my life and contemplated ending it to end the pain. I got close to doing it but could not make myself pull the trigger.  I moved away from her to Oregon and never spoke to her again. Even when my son died my daughter acted as a go between for the legal matters.
   It's been over twenty years now. I quit the drugs and alcohol, rebuilt my relationship with my daughter. I have never bad mouthed my ex to my daughter, instead I have let her draw her own conclusions. I now realize that my ex did the best thing she could do for herself by divorcing me. I still feel the hurt at times. But it more of a regret than anything else.
   You will eventually accept that she is no longer a part of your everyday life but it will take time. You'll learn to let go. Let go and let God as they say. I know I had to do just that.

   Hugs and sympathy,
   Jeanette

I have been threatened with restraining orders also. I just saw her when picking up my daughter and she was dressed up and all probably for a date and it was gut wrenching. My boyfriend could see it was bothering me also and he got upset because he could see she was on my mind.

I hope this feelings go away soon that I can get on with my life because I want her out of my head or else I am going to break down even worse. I already had thoughts about ending my life because of this woman I also tried I drove my car into a wall and survived. I tried after we seperated because I could take the pain anymore but I could not do it in the hope that we would have ended up together again. But now It just hurts like hell that is all after the no contact and seeing her again it just hurts like nothing I ever felt before.

[JeanetteLW]

My boyfriend could see it was bothering me also and he got upset because he could see she was on my mind.

I hope this feelings go away soon that I can get on with my life because I want her out of my head

But now It just hurts like hell that is all after the no contact and seeing her again it just hurts like nothing I ever felt before.

I look at those 3 lines and think - Yes, it hurts, it hurts a lot. But it isn't the end of all things. It is survivable. The feeling of hurt will diminish in time and if you "want her out of my head" You are the one that can make that happen. Then I look at that top line and see that your solution can be there. You have another person right beside you that is hurting too with your pain. Your boyfriend only wants to help you get on with you life. Your life "With" him. Accept his help, his comforting. Concentrate on your boyfriend instead of obsessing on your ex.  You have a new relationship to build. A new love of your life if you want it.
  Go for it. Let it happen.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

[Amoré]

I look at those 3 lines and think - Yes, it hurts, it hurts a lot. But it isn't the end of all things. It is survivable. The feeling of hurt will diminish in time and if you "want her out of my head" You are the one that can make that happen. Then I look at that top line and see that your solution can be there. You have another person right beside you that is hurting too with your pain. Your boyfriend only wants to help you get on with you life. Your life "With" him. Accept his help, his comforting. Concentrate on your boyfriend instead of obsessing on your ex.  You have a new relationship to build. A new love of your life if you want it.
  Go for it. Let it happen.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

You are right about that and I am trying hard it is for our relationship also why I decided to do no contact. Because I can see it is hurting him. It is only my brain still wants her in a way and desire her. I think it might be because I see her as the only way to have a family with my daughter under my roof. It is the way I always wanted to raise my child with both parents present under the same roof.

Well unfortunatly that can not happen anymore. In a way she loved me enough apparently to set me free because she could see I was hurting but now I am not hurting about being transgender anymore I am hurting because of the loss of my family and knowing my child is struggling because of my transition and the divorce. I think it is because of this that I am struggling to let go of my ex because she has something that my brain tells me is a need for me and that need is to have that family.

Me and my boyfriend is talking about starting a family when we are deeper into our relationship but it won't be complete without my daughter under my roof.

[TransAm]

Well... I'm going to toss in my two cents. It's a little harsh but hopefully it helps.

Even if you suddenly stopped transitioning and told her that you were going to live life as a male/be her husband/do all the manly things, your relationship (-if- she decided to give it another go which would be a long shot) would never, ever be the same. The damage to that part of your life is done. Holding on to the past is just clinging to a promise your mind is making that things could ever go back to the way they were. 

It's over. There's no point in trying to furiously rearrange deck chairs on the Titanic.

But now you're free. The woman in the mirror isn't someone else, it's you.

Relationships aren't constant and unwavering in the real world. Sometimes someone who's good for us in our twenties is toxic for us in our thirties because we evolve and change as people. The two of you were good for one another for a time and now that time has come to an end. That's okay.

There's nothing wrong with looking back and reminiscing as long as you keep your eyes to the road ahead.

[SailorMars1994]

Well... I'm going to toss in my two cents. It's a little harsh but hopefully it helps.

Even if you suddenly stopped transitioning and told her that you were going to live life as a male/be her husband/do all the manly things, your relationship (-if- she decided to give it another go which would be a long shot) would never, ever be the same. The damage to that part of your life is done. Holding on to the past is just clinging to a promise your mind is making that things could ever go back to the way they were. 

It's over. There's no point in trying to furiously rearrange deck chairs on the Titanic.

But now you're free. The woman in the mirror isn't someone else, it's you.

Relationships aren't constant and unwavering in the real world. Sometimes someone who's good for us in our twenties is toxic for us in our thirties because we evolve and change as people. The two of you were good for one another for a time and now that time has come to an end. That's okay.

There's nothing wrong with looking back and reminiscing as long as you keep your eyes to the road ahead.

Agree. Regarding that mirror, what you see is YOU!!! no body else <3

[Amoré]

Well... I'm going to toss in my two cents. It's a little harsh but hopefully it helps.

Even if you suddenly stopped transitioning and told her that you were going to live life as a male/be her husband/do all the manly things, your relationship (-if- she decided to give it another go which would be a long shot) would never, ever be the same. The damage to that part of your life is done. Holding on to the past is just clinging to a promise your mind is making that things could ever go back to the way they were. 

It's over. There's no point in trying to furiously rearrange deck chairs on the Titanic.

But now you're free. The woman in the mirror isn't someone else, it's you.

Relationships aren't constant and unwavering in the real world. Sometimes someone who's good for us in our twenties is toxic for us in our thirties because we evolve and change as people. The two of you were good for one another for a time and now that time has come to an end. That's okay.

There's nothing wrong with looking back and reminiscing as long as you keep your eyes to the road ahead.

Thank you for the input and I defenetly see your points. I am trying really hard but I guess it takes time also for some people years to get over someone. In my case my brain doesn't want to let go so bad that I am suffering anxiety so bad from that all this started and it is only getting worse. Thursday I thought was dying that is how bad I was from withdrawal of this and dreaming about her all the time.

I hope this ends soon because I am so frustrated with myself at this stage I am going to visit a therapist to help me also but I have been with one and still not let go.

[audreytn]

It is worth it, trust me.  I had an ex I was madly in love with that I wanted so bad. I wanted babies, house, mortgage, etc and she wouldnt have anything to do with me after we split.  She never knew to my knowledge that I was trans or at the time a crossdresser.

But I'd have given it all up if we could have worked through it.  She got married a few years ago and that was the knife through the heart. the final dagger. nothing else I could do.

I proceeded with transition and had my grs last month. Everyone tells me I'm glowing. I feel great. I'm happy. and emotionally relieved of the burden I once carried around being stuck between genders.

I dont think about her so much now that bottom and top surgery are done. Just happy to be me