I don't want SRS, but...

[Omnom]

Hey,
I wanted to talk a little about my feelings about SRS... I am MTF and on hormones. At the moment they are kept low, because of my depression. I'm feeling the rise of testosterone a little bit, but I want to go about that, when I'm emotionally stable again.
Anyways I'm thinking about SRS a lot recently. Actually I'm feeling pleased with my body how it is. I've never had the feeling of rejection about my penis. It was always a part of me, I don't hate it, and I also was satisfied when having sex (with men).
But there are some points which keep me thinking.
Of course there are the practically features. Hiding it sometimes is really annoying. Wearing a skirt is possible with proper underwear, but not comfortable. Also in the summertime, when wearing shorts or loose bottom it doesn't feel nice when sweating. Also I liked to swim, which I haven't done since living as a woman.
Then there is my tendency to perfection. I'm a perfectionist, which can also be really annoying sometimes. Like I said, I'm comfortable with my body, but when looking in the mirror, I like what I see, but there's this strange discrepancy because my body is really feminine, but my crotch area isn't.
At last, I said that I enjoyed having sex with my male parts. But I also have thoughts, about being penetrated by a man while having a vagina. I really enjoy that thought, and that's mostly what keeps me thinking. I'm just being honest now... I enjoyed having anal sex (being the bottom), but it's not like that it led to an orgasm or like that. But thinking about having a vagina, and being penetrated...it has something...I don't know...being connected with someone.
But then I have this weird... aversion against vaginas. I've never had contact with one, since I have none, and I'm not sexually interested in women. Also it.... I don't know. I really really don't want to be rude! Really! But it...has something that... I don't think that vaginas are beautiful. (I really don't want to offend anyone...That irony, feeling like a women, but not liking vaginas... maybe it's just because I was never "confronted" with one, besides when watching when someone puts on a baby's diaper) It kinda...English isn't my native language (as you surely noticed) and I can't find a nice and proper word for digusting. Again I don't want to offend anyone. I know that we are all humen, and that there's nothing gross about our bodies...but...
Also when thinking about the surgery, waking up after it's done, the penis is away and there's a bloody swollen mess left... That really scares me. But I know how it is for others, who whish nothing more than that surgery. For them there can't be anything better, to get it done.
So why do I keep thinking about all of this?

[SailorMars1994]

Breathe. Take your time. This isnt a race so you got that !! I would say surgery is there only if you are 100% sure. You may just need some more time. I know I would love to have surgery really badly. Even when I was living in a non-binary like state I still wanted SRS. You are thinking this through so I have little doubt you are a brash decision type. It is very healthy to think this through and have the concerns you do. Maybe take some more time and really think about it!

hugs-Ashley

[Omnom]

Thank you really much for your kind answer Yes I also think that you need to want it 100%. I'll take time

[Wild Flower]

I don't need the surgery. No one needs to know what's down there except my partner, and it's a package deal with being with me.

I don't see having a male organ, makes you unwoman. It's like Ariel and her fish tail, is she a woman or a fish... to Disney, she's still a Disney princess. So if a mermaid can be a Disney Princess with Aurora, Cinderella, Snow White (the basic "traditional" women).... then she's still a princess = woman.  It's all mental, she didn't have a fish head, but a human head/torso. Now, if she had legs of a human, but a fish head, then she's a fish. The brain is everything.

[Aurorasky]

I understand. However, I honestly really need it. So far, I haven't been dating but I want to (am attracted to men) and think this thingy really gets in the way. I also want to be able to go the beach, swimming pool, undress with my friends without worrying I have to hide something. And I owuld love to join a dancing class, and while I pass, I owuldn't feel good going to a locker and the danger it might attach.

Also, I think men are more disgusted and generally less flexible with their sexualities, I want to have a boyfriend and feel completely at ease with him to be intimate. That said, I'm glad you have found men who don't mind you being pre or non op at all! I really wish I could find such man.

[Wild Flower]

I'm not sure if that comment was directed to me.

Bisexual men are the only men I could truly date *maybe straight; but I fear he may look at me as an object *. But a masculine bisexual man. It's not that rare to be honest, I even been with straight guys (as a guy). Gay guys tend to be a one-night stand, never going to see you again type of guy. So I'm not into gay guys.

Male oriented guys aren't as needy as we think. They see healthiness/beauty in another human, and that's it, it's a wrap. Look out for the pupils, that's the key to finding a man who thinks you're attractive.

I also give two-rats-butts if the guy doesn't want to be with me, but don't play with my feelings, tell me up front before I care about you.

[Omnom]

@Wild FLower
Your comparisan with Ariel is more than beautiful :') Thank you really much for that <3

@Aurorasky
I know what you mean, but I don't want to have SRS because of it being easier for me to find a man who wants to be by my side. Even then I would always feel like... If I hadn't the surgery, would he still be with me? And that would really bother me. As long as I don't want it 100% for me, it won't work.
Yes I also think those men are rare. It's like Wild Flower said, the man has to be bisexual (or pansexual or sexually open minded, whatever). There are not less kind of that type. But the problem is, that we non-op girls are often sexualized and just a sexual fantasy. That's nice for a ONS, but not for a relationship...

Anyways. Maybe I should try to...see a real vagina in real life. For scientific reasons of course x)

[Wild Flower]

@Wild FLower
Your comparisan with Ariel is more than beautiful :') Thank you really much for that <3

@Aurorasky
I know what you mean, but I don't want to have SRS because of it being easier for me to find a man who wants to be by my side. Even then I would always feel like... If I hadn't the surgery, would he still be with me? And that would really bother me. As long as I don't want it 100% for me, it won't work.
Yes I also think those men are rare. It's like Wild Flower said, the man has to be bisexual (or pansexual or sexually open minded, whatever). There are not less kind of that type. But the problem is, that we non-op girls are often sexualized and just a sexual fantasy. That's nice for a ONS, but not for a relationship...

Anyways. Maybe I should try to...see a real vagina in real life. For scientific reasons of course x)

I consider Ariel a very underrated transgender role model in the Disney princess line. The book was originally written inspired by the author who is a man who loved a man, but he wanted to be a woman so he can be with the one he love. Tragically in the real novel, the Little Mermaid does die before she can be with her prince (that's realistic).

The original Author is Andersen: Andersen certainly experienced same-sex love as well: he wrote to Edvard Collin:[22] "I languish for you as for a pretty Calabrian wench ... my sentiments for you are those of a woman. The femininity of my nature and our friendship must remain a mystery."[23] Collin, who preferred women, wrote in his own memoir: "I found myself unable to respond to this love, and this caused the author much suffering."  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hans_Christian_Andersen

You remember the scene where Ariel is hiding all her thingamabobs? That's like hiding a stash of Barbies, and fearing that your father will see your secret items.



I also consider Ursula a magical Drag Queen because she was inspired by a drag queen for Disney. Divine was her name. It all makes sense, who else but a magical fairy godmother drag queen who can transform your body into a 100% human? I do not hate Ursula, in fact, I think of her less of an enemy but a tragic character who was suffering and was jealous of Ariel and her chance to find true love, where Ursula didn't have natural beauty and was alone in a cave with her pets (back then: this is comparable to women of an older generation who didn't had a chance to transition; too old, too late)... power was the only thing she had a chance in life, and that is why she wanted to rule Atlantica. She and Ariel had so much in common, they both didn't belong in the Ocean. Ursula a Drag Queen, and Ariel with her trans-species feelings, they both needed to be on land.


Ariel wanted to be on land before she met Eric... but I think Eric was the catalyst that made her desperate to be human that she was willing to anything. But, Eric was the second reason to go to Ursula, being human was first. It's like being a transgender woman who prefers men, but is force to marry a woman because of society (merfolk marrying merfolk)... and then you found your true love, and you only have 1 chance to be with him before it's too late (that's Ariel problem). Ursula didn't lie in the contract either, so give her credit for that.

This is Divine (she had no part in the Little Mermaid, and died in March 1988.






Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at this trove
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one cavern hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

[Wild Flower]

Disney could really make an epic film called "Ursula: Under the Sea", and feature a young Ursula suffering with her body, seeing all the mermaids getting married, and she was trapped as an Octopus-woman. She then look up to see the human world, and suffered so greatly because she knew no human man would want her.  No one, human or mer, would ever love Ursula.... Then she befriends another woman who is suffering but knows dark magick, she would later be known as Sorceress http://disney.wikia.com/wiki/Sorceress_(The_Little_Mermaid) . The animated series has a character name Sorceress who was trapped in a cave by King Trident for crimes she has done. It should have a young King Trident flirting with Ursula, and asking her the 'Mer Ball', and then he and his friends start tossing 'fish eggs' at Ursula, saying she is too dark, fat, and has tentacles, and will never fit in with the mermaids at the Ball. Ursula was in love with King Trident, but her heart was shattered, and she ran into the ocean searching for something to help her. That's when she meets Sorceress.

Sorceress would be an older beautiful woman who teaches Ursula how to manipulate the oceans and channel dark energies, but later King Trident traps Sorceress for breaking the most unbreakable law of all (leave that up to Disney). Ursula escapes, but she cries over losing her only friend in the whole world, and then she vows to take revenge against King Trident.

She learns the art of 'poor unfortunate souls', and in her sick mind, she feels better destroying merfolks and turning them into slimy creatures, by promising something in return that will most likely never happened.

[Omnom]

The last time I saw the movie was ages ago. Maybe I consider watching it again ^^
Your thoughts about the intention of the author are brilliant. It really makes sense. Also your thoughts about Ursula. When looking at the picture of Divine, Ursula is really the first thing that comes to my mind!
I can see your passion about it, maybe it's your turn to write down young Ursula's tragic story? Also your idea about Sorceress fits really good

[Daniellekai]

I'll want it, mostly for the practical reasons, get that thing out of my panties, it's somewhat more practical for dating too

[Wild Flower]

Oh.... wow... I didn't realize we "transgender folks" are considered unfortunate souls!!!!

[warlockmaker]

I have some beautiful TGs  in Bangkok, where I live, who have kept their penis. I have beautiful TG friends that have had SRS. But all my friends are proud to be TGs. We think we are the lucky ones to live two lives in one. Many old transitioners and I notice many TG that are younger, especially in the USA, depict a life of misery. For many old style TGs the misery is a badge of honor and they feel that unless you have paid your dues of misery you cannot join the club. They still endorse the compulsary need for RLE, which I find to be barbaric.

[LizK]

........ They still endorse the compulsary need for RLE, which I find to be barbaric.

+1

Just started RLE so I can have surgery here in good old OZ. I don't actually care that much I went fulltime because I wanted to go fulltime and not because I wanted surgery...but even still it is a requirement.

Liz

[AnonyMs]

Just started RLE so I can have surgery here in good old OZ.

Not sure about Australia, but you can get around that overseas.

[Omnom]

I have some beautiful TGs  in Bangkok, where I live, who have kept their penis. I have beautiful TG friends that have had SRS. But all my friends are proud to be TGs. We think we are the lucky ones to live two lives in one. Many old transitioners and I notice many TG that are younger, especially in the USA, depict a life of misery. For many old style TGs the misery is a badge of honor and they feel that unless you have paid your dues of misery you cannot join the club. They still endorse the compulsary need for RLE, which I find to be barbaric.

I envy those people...I kinda...Sometimes I think without the whole transgender thing (so if I was born with the right body) I would be a total different person. Because of that I'm... I kinda accept it being my way. But I just can't accept it as being "normal". I still feel like a freak. Even if my passing is okay, I feel more connected to women, but I still feel like I am not a "real" one. I think that's because the surgery is still in my mind. But as I described: surgery maybe isn't the right thing for me. I feel like I push myself to something I don't want, but maybe I want it. Also I feel kinda...I am not enough for men, which is even harder since my last and first break up, from the one I thought who is my soulmate. The straight ones would miss something, the gay ones like men and I am too feminine for them (what I actually want to be, so that is okay). Yes there are still bisexual or open minded men but... I just feel like I don't suffice. I just want to be normal. But not in this life...

[herekitten]

I envy those people...I kinda...Sometimes I think without the whole transgender thing (so if I was born with the right body) I would be a total different person. Because of that I'm... I kinda accept it being my way. But I just can't accept it as being "normal". I still feel like a freak. Even if my passing is okay, I feel more connected to women, but I still feel like I am not a "real" one. I think that's because the surgery is still in my mind. But as I described: surgery maybe isn't the right thing for me. I feel like I push myself to something I don't want, but maybe I want it. Also I feel kinda...I am not enough for men, which is even harder since my last and first break up, from the one I thought who is my soulmate. The straight ones would miss something, the gay ones like men and I am too feminine for them (what I actually want to be, so that is okay). Yes there are still bisexual or open minded men but... I just feel like I don't suffice. I just want to be normal. But not in this life...

You are not a freak. What you are is a very very special woman. I know how you must have felt when your love left. I've been there, so I know more or less how and what you are feeling. Men are so unique in themselves that you will meet the 'right' one.  He is out there and he is looking for someone just like you (and he may not even know it till he meets you or you meet him). I think you are normal, even in this life --

If this life can be good to me, then I know it will be good for you.

[Omnom]

You are not a freak. What you are is a very very special woman. I know how you must have felt when your love left. I've been there, so I know more or less how and what you are feeling. Men are so unique in themselves that you will meet the 'right' one.  He is out there and he is looking for someone just like you (and he may not even know it till he meets you or you meet him). I think you are normal, even in this life --

If this life can be good to me, then I know it will be good for you.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate them and try to internalize them.Thank you :')

[kelly_aus]

I'm a happily non-op trans woman. Except that I rarely refer to myself as such. I live the life of a boringly normal Aussie lesbian.

To my friends, I'm just another one of the girls. I've had a successful relationship with another woman.

Here's a thought for you, OP.. If you view being trans as something weird or abnormal, then you will most likely feel weird and abnormal. View being trans as simply a medical condition - like diabetes or asthma. This has always been my approach and I've never felt fake, weird or anything else - I also refuse to carry any quilt or shame for being trans.

[Wild Flower]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate them and try to internalize them.Thank you :')

I haven't even transitioned, but a lot of men find transgender women their "favorite". I wouldn't worry so much about men not liking you, but I would be concern of them loving you in public; friends, family. Just because they love you, doesn't mean they are brave enough to show it in front of others.

I wouldn't care what other people think, as long as you don't think you're a freak; you're fine. You are not hurting anyone.