Detransitioning FtM after an orchiectomy ... help

[AnonyMs]

I'm not sure I've managed to follow this, but I'd be tempted to reserve judgement on being trans or not at this point. It's quite possible to combine being trans with other issues. Wait until you see how you feel after going back on testesterone.

[R R H]

I have yet to see a single detransitioner over 21 years who was completely open and honest with their therapist in my personal opinion. In Rachel's own case they admit to doing this. "But over a phone I could of course block and evade;" trust me you can do it in person too. You had a goal and were not going to let anything get in the way.

I also have yet to see any that I can recall that accepts that they made specific and concrete decisions to proceed at each step of the way. Instead others are always responsible.

Many also shortcut the systems, (counseling, RLT, Letters from multiple doctors, etc) in place designed to prevent situations like these from occuring in the first place.

If PTSD was a disqualification very few trans people would ever be allowed to transition.

The political right in the U.S. loves to use stories like this one to try and paint us all as mentally ill and thus to deny us our human rights.

I am sorry you feel this way about what to me has been a wonderful and life changing experience.

Thanks Susan and others for latest reflections.

It's a very tricky situation for me on a number of levels and I ask you to 'bear with.' Certainly my use of legal language was unhelpful, for which apologies.

It's certainly the case that getting together with a straight cis woman has affected things but, then, I only told her I loved her once I landed in Thailand for my orchiectomy. She said the same, which I knew, was prepared to accept me and boarded a flight to be with me. Therein lies a tale.

I'm not sure where things will land but today I reached a better place with my counsellor than I was in yesterday, so that should be a good thing.

Much love to you all

x

[R R H]

I'm not sure I've managed to follow this, but I'd be tempted to reserve judgement on being trans or not at this point. It's quite possible to combine being trans with other issues. Wait until you see how you feel after going back on testesterone.

Yes very much my counsellor's position too.

xx

[SailorMars1994]

Although you still got a road to go, I am glad you are getting better <3.

[Susan]

Rachel, I hope you find the right path for the rest of your life, no matter where it ends up leading you.

My sole disagreement hasn't been that you decided that this wasn't the right path for you, it's the responsibility issue. Nothing personal hon, it just a personal peeve of mine.

[staciM]

I'm not sure I've managed to follow this, but I'd be tempted to reserve judgement on being trans or not at this point. It's quite possible to combine being trans with other issues. Wait until you see how you feel after going back on testesterone.

Rachel, my heart goes out to you.  I'm extremely sympathetic for the history you have had to endure....I can't begin to imagine what impact nursing and burying your children would have on your soul.

I'm in agreement with the above statements.....I think a "confusing" relationship and your past traumas could certainly make you reconsider your decisions but they are not necessarily mutually exclusive with being Trans.  Take care.  Big hugs.

[Ely-chan]

Rachel I am gonna be blunt here.

So the only person YOU should be suing is YOURSELF.

Put on your big boy or girl panties, and deal with the repercussions of YOUR decisions, choices, and actions. Don't try to place fault with others, when it all started and ended with YOU.

That sound like my therapist and doctor said

I´m the only one choice in my live but i don't know what i want

[Ely-chan]

Rachel, my best wishes to you
Your history touch my heart
Keep doind your best

[mac1]

I agree with Susan.  Lawsuits have been abused and all they do is make the attorneys rich at a great cost to the general public through increased prices for goods and services.

[Janes Groove]

I know I'm just some person on the internet who doesn't know you but sometimes strangers can see things that others who are passionately involved in the passion of the moment might miss.

After reading thru a couple of your threads I note that about a month ago you said you are reclaiming richard and seeking testerone HRT.  But I also note that you are still posting under the name Rachel and still haven't changed your Susans.org gender marker from F as it still reads F.   Also, I note that your avatar hasn't changed either.

Are you having second thoughts about detransition?  Are you sure this is right for you?  I really wouldn't be so bold as to ask this if I didn't see these disparities that are to me really are quite striking.

[R R H]

Nope. No second thoughts. Just haven't been on this forum.

much love,

Richard x

[Debra]

I am sorry you feel this way about what to me has been a wonderful and life changing experience.

And that's the key really. It's easy for us to 'take offense' when someone says transition didn't work for them because the news gets ahold of it or the detransitioner turns it around on the whole community with the attitude 'if it didn't work for me, it doesn't work for anyone.'

Doesn't seem like you're taking that stance Rachel so that's good. Do what's best for you. I'm sorry you've been through what you have but I hope you are on a road to a better life, one that's right for you.

[R R H]

That's so sweet of you Debra. I just posted this on another thread: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=219370.new;topicseen#new

I massively admire those for whom transitioning is not a choice but an ontological truth: a state of being. I will always have nothing but admiration for those brave enough to see through their own inner and outer truth.

much love to you and all,

xxxx

[Chris8080]

Much soul searching reading this thread. I didn't pick up on it at the time but thinking back on each session with my counselor she asked questions that were perhaps trick questions to see where I was really at and coming from. Things like the same question but asked in a different way. I was always as honest as I could be with her and she referred me to an MD who thinking back asked many of the same questions. She then wrote scripts for HRT and set up the appointment with the Urologist for orchi which should be this summer.

So could I be making a mistake? This is a question I have asked myself literally thousands of times throughout my life and not once did the answer ever come back as "could be" or "maybe". Reading this thread is an eye opener and I asked the question again several times and being as honest with myself as I can I truly don't think so. So should what is the unthinkable happen and it does turn out to be a mistake is my counselor to blame? My MD? The Urologist? Or me? Should orchi be a mistake would I sue any of them? Not a chance in h*ll, the most they would hear from me is thank you cards for their caring and sincere effort to help me.

I agree with Susan in post #7 and the other poster that said the only ones to gain from most lawsuits are the ambulance ->-bleeped-<-s and everyone else suffers.

[R R H]

I'm clearly going through a huge upheaval and would have loved to have remained on here despite my confusion. This is a place and a space where, for the most part, I receive little judgement. I'm sure that someone like me can be a source of questioning for others, but that's never my aim. I'm going through intense counselling at the moment: serious sexual abuse as a child and the deaths and burial of three children. Last year I fell in love with a heterosexual cis female. Her daughters, as well as some others, rejected me to the point of utter despair and desperation. These are all things which have led me to massive self-questioning and to the brink of suicide. But I'm hanging on, just, by the fingernails.

I'd love to be back, preferably as 'me' and with some gentle guidance not heavy handedness. There's enough judgementalism in the outside world. I don't yet know where I'm at, or who I am. But I clearly have a strong feminine core. Could my old account by reopened?

Oh, and for the record, I haven't stopped taking estrogen for one single day. Does that tell its own story?

Much love and a huge thank you to Chris and SailorMars for your lovely comments.

Rachel Richard

p.p.s. no lawsuits I promise. I'm all over the place and need to hold a mirror to my face. When I do as Rachel I love myself. When I do as Richard I hate it.

Admin Note: Modified to comply with TOS 2.

[LizK]

I am so glad you are OK.., dam doesn't life serve us up some crap sandwiches..I hope you find your peace, whatever form that takes and I think your experience is invaluable wether you eventually continue to transition or not your insights in to what bought you to where you are will be really useful.

Liz

[JillianC]

RR, I have been following your story and I am glad your back.  I am sorry you are going through a really tough time.  I hope you find some relief soon.  Be well.

--
Jill

[R R H]

Hi Dena,

Thanks for replying. I'm not sure I totally understand much of that (in a foggy frame of mind after another counselling session).

much love and thanks,

Rachel

[jentay1367]

I hope you and your girl can find a way to be happy, RR. Obviously, the daughters play some serious role in  your life's plans. If there's something I would be introspective about, it would be you and the woman you love letting people play you for marionettes puppets and interjecting themselves into your happiness. Because it would seem if they weren't in the picture, the rest of these problems would just cease to be an issue. Their transphobia is contagious. You appear to have caught it.  Keep that in mind and see if you two can't mitigate the source of this infection in some productive, constructive way. They don't need to be in every loop.  If you both can do it.... and create a united front, realize these people will go on to have their own lives very soon. I suspect you'll find at this point, you will never be 100 percent accepted by them and most likely are and will be sabotaged by them at every available opportunity. And this, regardless of your future presentation at this point. As has been said before "you can't un-see this".
...I think the answers you seek and need will present themselves with alacrity..... sooooooo good luck, sweetie! And please know that my advice is given from concern, not some pontificating Dais. I just would like to see you find some much deserved happiness. I think you may only be a few more epiphanies away. I have the greatest hopes for you! J

[R R H]

Oh my gosh, what an utterly gorgeous message Jentay. Thank you so much.

The love on here is overwhelming and incredible.

I'm going to allow your words to percolate through my being this evening. Thank you.

Rxx