Told my Parents, and other stories

[Artesia]

Well, I finally broke down and told my parents, with a ton of prodding from my wife as I was in the process of chickening out and she knew it.  Mom took it in stride, and didn't show her feelings on it either way, dad focused on my relationship with my wife, but is not entirely accepting of the changes to come.  He said he will eventually come around, but it is a tough thing to deal with.  At least they're processing it, and still love me.

My wife told one of her friends, who basically said if you love him, stay with him.  My wife loves me and uses both male and female pronouns for me.  I'm not going to fight her on it right now, but I really prefer the female ones.

My wife also told our niece.  Our niece is my age as my wife was the youngest in her family, and I the oldest in mine.  Anyway, she said that my niece said that I was having a midlife crisis.  I am afraid that she may be right, but I feel so much better now than I ever have before, I feel like that's not it.

[Denise]

Congratulations on a number of things, moving forward, feeling better and better understanding yourself.  Everytime you tell someone you will probably learn something about yourself.

[Artesia]

Told my sister today over the phone.  She was very happy for me and very supportive.  I would have preferred talking to her in person, but a trip to Ne York City is a bit much for now.  Called me sister right away, felt real good.  Next step is my brother, when he comes back from his Florida Vacation.

[Daniellekai]

There isn't really such a thing as a midlife crisis... It's a myth with a drop of truth, it's just that midlife is where people tend to decide to do big things like this, when they can afford to buy that sports car they always wanted, or what have you. Certainly you can think of your own mortality around then too, but it won't make you do anything you don't want to.

[Artesia]

Told my cousin yesterday.  She was very supportive.  She also told me of her sometimes male feelings, though she still prefers female pronouns, but prefers masculine clothing.

[LizK]

Well, I finally broke down and told my parents, with a ton of prodding from my wife as I was in the process of chickening out and she knew it.  Mom took it in stride, and didn't show her feelings on it either way, dad focused on my relationship with my wife, but is not entirely accepting of the changes to come.  He said he will eventually come around, but it is a tough thing to deal with.  At least they're processing it, and still love me.

My wife told one of her friends, who basically said if you love him, stay with him.  My wife loves me and uses both male and female pronouns for me.  I'm not going to fight her on it right now, but I really prefer the female ones.

My wife also told our niece.  Our niece is my age as my wife was the youngest in her family, and I the oldest in mine.  Anyway, she said that my niece said that I was having a midlife crisis.  I am afraid that she may be right, but I feel so much better now than I ever have before, I feel like that's not it.

Hi Artesia

Well done, that was a huge step you took and since this one, I can see you have also told a few more people. it gets a bit easier as you go along only in respect that you have what you want to say in your head and not just winging it so much. 

Your parents and sister will take time to fully digest what you have told them and may then have some more questions as they process everything. So don't be surprised if you get hit with a heap of questions a couple of days later. You may also detect slight changes in their behaviour/demeanour as they begin to make the mental adjustments you are trying to get them to make. People are weird creatures and trying to predict how someone will react is just hopeless.

If I could make a suggestion in regard the Pronouns...if your wife is already using female pronouns half the time then you have half the battle won. I still cannot get any of my family to use she/her pronouns but as was so expertly pointed out to me...my family love me unconditionally and the words will come. Pronouns hurt I understand that, but relish the joy of hearing her use it when she does. Your wife sounds to me like she loves and really accepts you unconditionally...that is an amazing thing for her to do...when I try and put myself in my wife's shoes I can't honestly say I would handle it as well as she does. These are remarkable people we are married too.

The "experts" are always quick to look at the pop culture argument. It is a throw away line and I am sure if you asked her to explain it she couldn't. It 's a verbal knee jerk reaction. As an x Psychiatric Nurse I can tell you there is no such DSM categorisation as a "midlife crisis". I was asked the same and I am over 50 so well past the mid life. LOL

If you don't have one, can I suggest you find a therapist or someone whom is knowledgeable and you trust, to talk through some of this stuff. It may also help you through some of the more difficult stuff.

Sounds like your wife is fabulous woman who loves you immensely...you are doing great

Hugs

Liz

[Raell]

Sometimes when people come out, they find that everyone sort of thought of them as the opposite gender anyway and some relatives are even relieved to change pronouns.

US Christianity mostly forces everyone into two gender boxes, but it's not that way in many other cultures, and what people think they believe isn't always what they believe subconsciously.

I.e., I was dainty, pretty female as a child, yet was treated as a boy, because that's how I behaved.

[Artesia]

Yeah, I should give an update on the family reaction.

Mom is internalizing.  She won't discuss it with dad at all, she still talks to me as if nothing has changed, but she is currently avoiding all pronouns directly to me.

Dad has called and discussed things with my wife several times.  He is also avoiding pronouns when talking to me, he use to say "love you son" now he just says "love you".

My sister has continued using female pronouns when talking to me, and only slipped up a couple times.

My brother called me after a few days with a lot of questions.  He was questioning pronouns, and other more personal questions.  He was surprised at how far back my fantasies/dysphoria went, but to tell the truth so did I.  The more I talk with my therapist, the more I learn how deeply they went.  It's amazing how much we can hide from ourselves.

My friend just uses my name directly, and avoids all conversations about it, and all pronouns.

My niece and my wife's friend haven't talked to me yet.

[Raell]

Luckily, each successive generation is more tolerant, and knowledgeable in the gender issue area.

Hopefully, gender pronouns will be phased out of English.
Seems silly to announce one's current genital configuration with a label, when people can get operations and change it. Similarly, female marriage status prefixes, such as Mrs. or Miss should be abolished.

Just using our names should be enough, and perhaps use plural pronouns for either gender, as is partially the case now.

[Kendra]

Artesia you are an inspiration - I am going to be doing the same thing, have been wrestling with how I will get this information to my parents (both are 86 and politically very conservative). 

[Artesia]

Artesia you are an inspiration - I am going to be doing the same thing, have been wrestling with how I will get this information to my parents (both are 86 and politically very conservative). 

I'm glad I could help.

[Artesia]

update

Both my sister and brother have asked how to refer to me now.  I told them I prefer the female, but accept both.  I am a pragmatist and know it would sound/look weird to people outside those who know referring to me in the feminine when I so clearly look like a male.

My Mother avoids gender pronouns, and uses you or my birth name.  Still haven't settled on a permanent me name.

My Father uses "son" more frequently now than before.

My parents are supposed to be coming down this weekend.  I'm sure I'll get more questions then.  They both avoid talking about it on the phone.

[Kendra]

Best wishes for this weekend Artesia - hope your parents visiting goes well as possible. 

[Charlie Nicki]

Keep us updated!

[Artesia]

The weekend held no conversation.  My parents came over, but the transition never came up.  Maybe because it was my wife and I's anniversary.  There were a couple times where I thought my mom was going to ask about it, but my dad would change the subject anytime it seemed that that was the way the conversation was going to go.  I think I'm going to call her one day this week, and just talk to her without dad being nearby.

[Artesia]

Called my mom today, and discussed things a bit.  She told me about the time she found the female portion of the sale adds selling clothing, and undergarments.  She also told me about a point I haven't remembered by myself yet.  It was about when I was potty training, apparently way back then I refused to learn to stand to go.  She said there are other things that make more sense now, and even said she wishes she had taken me to a therapist back in the 80's when my demeanor changed.

[Kendra]

WOW.  I can imagine your surprise when your mother said that today. 

I'm building up the confidence to have similar conversations with my parents.  As you have shown, my predictions of how one or both parents will react might be incorrect, and won't be as bad as feared.

[Artesia]

Actually....yes, completely surprised.  Also surprised when she told me that her and dad both thought I appeared happier.  She did say that dad is having a hard time giving up the boy I use to be.

[Artesia]

My wife told her oldest sister yesterday.  She wasn't surprised in the least, and said I always was a little girly.  She was always the one my wife and Mother in Law would go to for advice.  My wife is, despite helping me, having a hard time accepting me.  She always tells me "live for yourself not anyone else, not even me" and has been supporting me, even though it's making her unhappy.  I'm unhappy that I can't make us both happy at the same time, but I'm happy that I know what was making me a miserable, insufferable, and angry Jerk; and that the HRT has made that mostly go away.

[LizK]

My wife told her oldest sister yesterday.  She wasn't surprised in the least, and said I always was a little girly.  She was always the one my wife and Mother in Law would go to for advice.  My wife is, despite helping me, having a hard time accepting me.  She always tells me "live for yourself not anyone else, not even me" and has been supporting me, even though it's making her unhappy.  I'm unhappy that I can't make us both happy at the same time, but I'm happy that I know what was making me a miserable, insufferable, and angry Jerk; and that the HRT has made that mostly go away.

It can be such a horrible no win situation for everybody. Your wife is a wonderful person to0 be able to say "live for yourself......" But I guess you want her to be happy and perceiving she isn't makes you unhappy? I know it makes me unhappy when I think my wife is unhappy unfortunately I used get that wrong on a regular basis...It is so great that you are happy and making progress