Can anyone assure me that this is worth it?

[AlyssaJ]

Last night I spent the first night no longer sleeping in our bed, no longer sleeping along side my wife. After a few days of discussion, outlining each of our needs, I've agreed to move out of our bedroom into a spare bedroom we have in the basement.  My wife is trying hard at this point to deal with the loss of her husband.  To make that possible, she needs to avoid situations where I still feel like the male me (since I still at this point look like him) which lead to false hopes on her part.  We've talked it out and I understand her position and she understands mine and we came to many agreements.

For now since the bedroom is not really ready to be a bedroom (it has musical instruments in it, no bed, etc.) I've agreed to sleep on the couch until we're able to properly furnish it. At that point I'll move all my things, male and female, into that room.  But last night was my first night sleeping out there in the living room and it was the hardest night I can remember. I'm an emotional basket case right now.  Only 5 days into HRT I don't even think the emotions are a result of hormones yet, so I'm worried about how much worse this can get.

I'm struggling this morning very mightily with my decision to transition. Even the best case scenario at this point, one in which we remain married and co-parenting but in an open marriage, is still an irreparable change to our relationship. I knew the potential costs when I decided transition was the right thing but now that the pain and complete realization of what that means has set in, I'm having MAJOR doubts. I keep thinking to myself, I could stop this all right now, tell her I've decided not to transition, and it would make both of us immensely happy (at least for the moment).

I'm trying to remind myself of the resentment I had been feeling toward my wife before I came out to her. Trying to compare the feelings of depression I had then versus what I feel now. I just don't know if I can do this. I'm so scared I've made the wrong decision and that I won't realize it until it's too late. I'm sure much of this is fear of the unknown. I've been with her since High School, I've never really known a life without her since childhood. But while I can tell me that others have done this and that major changes in my life can be good, I still can't escape the urge to shut this down and just go back.

We were very happy in so many ways. This transition is destroying such a great thing we had.  Our friends were jealous of the life we had together. Everyone was so impressed that we survived teen pregnancy, job struggles and every thing else life threw at us. And I feel like I'm throwing all that away now. I just need to know that when I've transitioned I'll be able to look back and say this hurt like hell but it was worth it.  Can anyone offer any re-assurance??  I really need something to grasp onto right now.

[SadieBlake]

I think only you can answer that. My ex and I split for different reasons and ultimately I'm better out of that relationship.

How long have you known? How long since you told her? Even though I presented sexually femme on our first date my gf of 18 years felt very threatened when I broached the subject of transition 2 years into the relationship and when I decided 18 months ago i had to transition there were a couple of difficult weeks and it took a couple of months to really talk things through.

Today she knows that the femme identified person she cares for isn't compatible with staying externally male. We're lucky to have been open to other partners the entire time but that doesn't mean that she doesn't want the partner she loves most to also be good for her sexually. It's taken more than a year to get here and I know she harbors some social transphobia and some personal homophobia.

Yes it's been worth it. We've been fortunate that I've always presented femme to her so she's got less of a hurdle there, still it's not been easy and I can't say for sure what the relationship will look like post-op.

I will say I would not accept the loss of intimacy, or being relegated to a separate bedroom, however our math is at least on the surface different.

[Dani]

We all had to make our own decisions, especially when a long term relationship comes to an end. In my  case, we just sort of drifted into separate lives with different interests, different expectations, and most importantly, no longer much of any commitment to stay together in daily matters.

We still live under the same roof, but we are in separate bedrooms. The bedroom is a minor issue. The major issue is that respect has left many years ago for reasons other than my transition. My transition has just given her another reason to pursue her own interests which do not include me.

No drama here. We just drifted apart and we cannot find (or do not want to find) our way back.

[Denise]

Alyssa,

   Your post sounded very similar to my story at 2 months into HRT.

   My story is still developing and my marriage is still up in the air.

   Without all the details...
     * Started Hormones May 26 '16 - Stopped Hormones July 1 '16
     * August and September were increasingly hellish.
     * Resentment towards my wife and life (although mostly sub-conscience) increased daily.
     * I almost lost everything - job, wife, family, life (yes, I seriously considered it.)
     * Restarted Estrogen November 2 '16
     * Full time March 2 '17

    One thing that pushed or helped move me forward but at the same time made me sad was my wife's comment of "Once you came out I lost all physical attraction to you.  I see only the female side and I don't like it.  I didn't marry a woman."

    Even when I stopped hormones things didn't change between us other than my resentment/anger/... increased.  It took EVERY ounce of energy to not direct it at her.  Unfortunately it came out at work and I was almost fired.

    We have a lot in common - PM me if you just want to chat 'privately'.

- Denise.
   
P.S.  We still live together as house-mates.  There is still a lot of tension but as time goes on it seems to get less and less.  If we can make it the rest of the year, I'm hopeful our +31 year marriage will survive.

As I was posting Dani posted this - This mirror's where I/we are now.

We all had to make our own decisions, especially when a long term relationship comes to an end. In my  case, we just sort of drifted into separate lives with different interests, different expectations, and most importantly, no longer much of any commitment to stay together in daily matters.

We still live under the same roof, but we are in separate bedrooms. The bedroom is a minor issue. ...

No drama here. We just drifted apart and we cannot find (or do not want to find) our way back.

[Jerri]

Hi Alyssa,
there is no way for me to answer your questions or try to give you advise on how to move forward in your life.
I also tried to stay involved in my 26 year family as I began to transition. The harder I tried to make things work the harder it became for me. I found that I wanted to continue to self destruct. Thankfully I was strong enough to let myself follow what was best for me. sure I have lost a lot but in letting go of those material and emotional things I found freedom, happiness, and true joy in living. I am so very great full for the path I chose to walk and where it has me at today. My spiritual guides are what I depend on to lead me in my right path. ( and a good deal of therapy lol ). Life can be hard no matter what choice we make. there are things I miss about my other person but mostly not many of those things. for me I would not ever want to be back in those shoes again. has it been easy HELL NO not with family issues work issues financial issues nothing... I do know that anything worth doing is worth fighting for and that is what I do without regret or remorse. I am sure this is just making you question even more what path to follow, which is really good. I would say the best suggestion from me is to find a really good therapist and have a few sit downs with them so they can walk you through some some of your thoughts on what is going on in your life. it is to much to try to grasp from a few texts messages and it will have a great influence on your life.

best wishes for you
Love Jerri

[treeLB]

While my wife and I tried for several years to live together in something like a roomate situation in the end it just could not work. I don't know of very many relationships that have survived over the long term.

Transition is often very hard. People lose a lot and have a lot of struggles. When you get to the other side your a woman but also a trans woman. that life can be challenging with relationships, employment, money. Many end up very lonely and feeling defeated. Many still never really figure out  who they really are. Is it worth it? I don't feel like I had much choice in it really, so I don't know how to answer. It is what it is.

[AlyssaJ]

    One thing that pushed or helped move me forward but at the same time made me sad was my wife's comment of "Once you came out I lost all physical attraction to you.  I see only the female side and I don't like it.  I didn't marry a woman."

....

As I was posting Dani posted this - This mirror's where I/we are now.

Thanks everyone for the responses. Denise your comment above is very similar to where my wife is right now.  Since I've started HRT, in her mind the male me is dead and I'm now the female me even if I still look like the male. She's struggling to accept that there is no hope of keeping that man, and she has some denial.  So to help with that, she's asked me to leave our bedroom permanently.  It's too easy for her to fall back into denial behaviors if the man is still laying next to her.

That's a bitter pill to swallow.  I'll never again sleep in the same bed as her, never again have sexual intimacy with her ever again. She's not a Lesbian, obviously can't become one, so I need to get to my own acceptance of this is the life I have now.

She can't afford to move out and I wouldn't just toss her to the curb.  At some point, we may divorce and she will leave and perhaps that would be easier than this situation.  Another possibility is that we continue to live separately in the same house, possibly as "roommates" maybe even in an open marriage/co-parenting situation.  Right now we're not making any goals for a specific end state, just seeing where the feelings and the experiences take us.

We worked with a very good mutual friend of ours to set ground rules, to lay out each other's needs, find good compromises and most importantly established rules for ongoing communication.  In our case at this early stage, there is still a lot of respect.  We both understand that we're making mistakes because this is uncharted territory for both of us. While there are hurt feelings quite often, we are talking through them and really trying to consider each others' viewpoints.  That form of empathy is hard but we're both really focused on doing it. I think that might be a key to this being a livable situation.

Mornings are emotional times for me in particular, especially when I don't sleep well like last night.  So this morning the doubts did hit really hard. I appreciate all the support here. I'm hoping that the first night is the worst, since it's all new and final, but we'll see.  For now, I need to go find a bed for my new room so I can get off the couch and stop feeling like I'm being punished.   

[Michelle_P]

This is a rough thing to go through. When I came out, I discovered that my wife was transphobic. Well, I had some clues. When the 20/20 special on Bruce Jenner immediately before Caitlyn was revealed was being promoted she glanced at the TV ad and said, "Freak!"

I had a breakdown shortly thereafter and came out. She immediately became very withdrawn and emotionally distant and started laying down rules and procedures I was to follow so she and the neighbors would never see Michelle. This got worse, I had another breakdown, and my therapist started asking pointed questions about our life together and whether or not I was actually safe or better off in or out of the marriage.

My wife asked for a divorce and told me to leave last October. I've documented this in another thread.

Unfortunately for those of us who are older, marriage does not often survive our coming out. This is a very real possibility we must all face.

The good news is that her prediction has not come to pass. I was not rejected by everyone, just her and her immediate circle of friends, and an on-off set of issues with my 26 year old daughter that lives with her.

I've made new friends, built a social life for myself, and as I continue HRT and my RLE I find that I have not been this happy in a half century. That is a long time to spend with depression and anxiety.  I still have plenty of issues, but I am much happier overall and am getting better.

I fought against taking control of my life and finally putting my health before the discomfort of others.  The thought that all that pain and effort would just win me an epitaph "At least he didn't make us uncomfortable." underscored what my denial was doing.

I've accepted myself and I lived through the pain of losing my old life, and now have the joy of building my new life.

This is difficult, but finally I have a path forward, a path to find joy.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Kylo]

I see more vocal success stories online than I do stories of "failure"... if the gist had been that everyone who transitioned led an awful life and there was no light at the end of the tunnel, I'd probably have had some serious reservations myself but that's not what I see.

[HappyMoni]

Alyssa,
   Like others said, I can't judge your life or your circumstances. There are many things that are affected by the transition that is not the transition itself. The consequences to your current life sound pretty intense. It can really be kind of a 'Sophie's choice.' The transition itself, for me, has been extremely good. I have to pinch myself that I am living my dream. Peace of mind, being treated as myself and not being a pretender, it's wonderful. If I had to lose what you are talking about losing, I don't know how I would feel. I just know that for me and others, going on without transitioning was something I just couldn't do. People do move on from relationships and make new lives. Can you live with not moving on to find your real self?
Moni

[DawnOday]

Love does not know gender. Continue telling her how beautiful she is. What a wonderful mate she is. Why she is important to you. Show her the inner self that she fell in love with is still there. Show her your change will not endanger your sex life and you can work through it. Remind her that sex will probably be better because you wont be rushing through it because you have learned it takes time. She has allowed you the couch and did not kick you out. That indicates to me she may be expressing disappointment but she is still willing to work with you. Don't make demands, just go with the flow for a while. You've given her lemons. Let her learn to make lemonade.

[vicki_sixx]

OP,

I don't think you're going to find many who haven't asked themselevs the same question. For the married ones, it's questioning if it's worth losing what you have and for those who are unmarried and without kids, like me, it's a question of 'is it worth giving up the chance to ever have that and to consign yourself to a lifetime of being alone?' It's an even tougher question to ask if your dysphoria isn't driving you to the point of insanity/suicide. At least those people know what the answer is even if the don't like it: transition or go under.

Even when you've come to terms with transition, the next 'is it worth it?' question is 'is it worth it if I don't end up passing and keep getting clocked?' Then it's 'is it worth the cost and pain of surgery?' And even if you allay these fears and become totally convincing the next question is 'is it worth it to have to to tell future potential future partners you're trans and risk driving them away?' And even if you don't drive them away there and then, they may not be able to come to terms with your trans and are unable to face their family and so you break up - prompting the next 'is it worth it?' question to be 'is it worth it if partners are too ashamed to be open about dating me?'

Only you can decide if it's worth it but whether you do or don't, you're taking a step into the unknown. Going TS may be the freedom you dreamed of but it may also bring unrivalled pain and loneliness. Staying as you are may be a more palatable alternative but you may also reach old age and be constantly looking back with regret and of wasting your one and only life. You are Neo and you are being given the choice of the red pill or the blue pill. You have no assurances as to what happens next. And we are all in the same boat. If you ever get an answer to your question let me know so I can maybe answer mine.

[vicki_sixx]

Love does not know gender. Continue telling her how beautiful she is. What a wonderful mate she is. Why she is important to you. Show her the inner self that she fell in love with is still there. Show her your change will not endanger your sex life and you can work through it. Remind her that sex will probably be better.

Unfortunately, while this may be true for you, it isn't a universal truth. Her wife fell in love with a man. Her wife wants a man. Her wife doesn't want a woman. Her wife isn't sexually aroused, interested or intrigued by a woman and the thought of making love to one will repulse her as the idea of making love to man repulses me. Every one of her senses - sight, smell, sound, touch, taste - will confim the very opposite to what she and I are attracted to and aroused by. In my case it's the sight of the body hair and all-round masculinity, the musky scent of a man, the deep voice, the firm muscles - all of this rails against every fibre of my being and the same will apply to others, including the wife, and you can't bypass that by being told how much you're loved or that you're the same person on the inside.

It's even harder for a woman to accept her man becoming a woman because of the implied failure at being a man. As a society, males are teased with being called girls, female names, sissies, big girl's blouses in an attempt to emasculate and the understandable deal breaker for the overwhelming majority of women is a man 'giving up on his manhood' and his implicit failings. When a woman is hard-wired through millenia of survival instincts to crave (sexually and domestically) a hunter-gatherer that can provide, protect, fight and dominate - all the essence of 'a real man' - and to be attracted to all the traits that she lacks - then it's not fair to expect her to be won round by affirmations.

[Maybebaby56]

Hi Alyssa,

Forgive me if I am unsure if you are at a crossroads, or your discussions with your wife mean you have irretrievably broken your marriage. If you have burned your bridges, then little of what I can offer you will be of value.

With that caveat, I present these thoughts:

You don't mention children, so perhaps that is not a factor. I do not know exactly when you made this irreversible decision to fully transition or why, or why you believe the "male in you" is dead, but I think it bears re-examining.  The male in you is you. We are all a blend of male and female, yin and yang.  Your gender identity is what you identify as, but it is a preference and a social frame of reference, not a set of rules on how you must look or behave. I lived as a male for 56 years.  It is part of who I am.  It is how I got here. You can be on low-dose HRT and still live and function as a male, without the intense dysphoria, if that is what you desire.

Is your gender dysphoria worse than the intense anguish you now feel?  If it is not, then I would be all means stop and re-examine what you are doing.  Transition does not come with a guarantee of happiness. Transition does not solve all your problems.  It solves only one, and that is presumably be the biggest one you have, namely the pain and misery of feeling like your body does not match who you are.  If this is not the biggest problem in your life, you need to reconsider what you are doing.

Transition simply means change. For some, like me, it means full transition - my physical appearance, my name, my legal gender, everything. There was a price. I kept most of my friends, and my career did not suffer, but I am now estranged from my children. I don't include the loss of my marriage, because it was already broken when I decided to transition.  For some people transition can be as simple as accepting you are transgender, and being okay with feeling feminine or girly at times, and masculine and manly at other times.

I recently met another member of Susan's Place, and she identifies as transgender, but presents fully as male, will absolutely not risk her career, and has no intention of leaving her wife. She is coping by simply acknowledging who she is and participating in forums like this one. I'm not saying that fits your needs, but it is an example of a transition that involves much less trauma than what you are experiencing now.

Tell me this: What is your goal?  What will make you happy, in your mind? What do you imagine your life will be like after you are divorced and no longer with your wife?  I was never in the transition-or-die club, but I was prepared to lose everything I worked my whole life to achieve.  I had a lifetime of male privilege.  I had a good career.  I was willing to risk it all for the chance to be an ordinary middle-aged female. I'm not saying it makes it any easier, but it does remind you why you are doing what you are doing.

I wish you all the best, whatever you decide.

With kindness,

Terri

[AlyssaJ]

Wow, so many awesome responses and so much to reply to.  I'll try to hit on all of them.

I fought against taking control of my life and finally putting my health before the discomfort of others.  The thought that all that pain and effort would just win me an epitaph "At least he didn't make us uncomfortable." underscored what my denial was doing.

Michelle your story actually helped me a lot.  I mean one main difference is that my wife isn't transphobic and is trying to support me while also trying to figure out how to be OK herself. She actually internalizes some guilt and self loathing that she can't just be 100% accepting and OK with my transition.  But in the end your finding the light at the end of the tunnel is exactly what I was needing to hear.  This quote about your possible epitaph really hit home for me.

Love does not know gender. Continue telling her how beautiful she is. What a wonderful mate she is. Why she is important to you. Show her the inner self that she fell in love with is still there. Show her your change will not endanger your sex life and you can work through it. Remind her that sex will probably be better because you wont be rushing through it because you have learned it takes time. She has allowed you the couch and did not kick you out. That indicates to me she may be expressing disappointment but she is still willing to work with you. Don't make demands, just go with the flow for a while. You've given her lemons. Let her learn to make lemonade.

Dawn I am trying to be as affirming of her as I can while still respecting the limits she needs.  She however will never enter into a sex life with me again, that's already been made very clear. She is not a lesbian, I cannot expect her to become one. At some point I'll be a woman with a penis, she doesn't want that in her bed either.  I might some day even have a vagina of my own, that won't work for her. She wants/needs a man. She needs the feeling of big strong arms around her and such.  She's told me as much.

Staying as you are may be a more palatable alternative but you may also reach old age and be constantly looking back with regret and of wasting your one and only life.

This is something I keep trying to focus on too.  My whole transition centers around this. Ultimately I'm going down the path of transition because I can't bear the thought of reaching the end of my life and realizing I lived the whole thing in pain and discomfort rather than finding true peace and comfort in myself.  Thank you for the reminder.

I do not know exactly when you made this irreversible decision to fully transition or why, or why you believe the "male in you" is dead, but I think it bears re-examining. 
...
Tell me this: What is your goal?  What will make you happy, in your mind? What do you imagine your life will be like after you are divorced and no longer with your wife?

Terri, those are really good questions.  First, the male in me being dead is not how I feel but how my wife looks at it.  It's a coping mechanism to some extent to help her deal with the loss. Ultimately, the day I started HRT was the day she felt I was officially no longer the man she married. She has labeled him as dead and now is struggling to accept that. I think it's the right path for her own mental health.  Long term, if we stay living together, perhaps she'll come to accept an image of the woman who still embodies that man, but right now she's not in that place.

My goal is a harder thing to put my finger on.  Ultimately, I need to rid myself of the dysphoria.  I need to be able to dress, feel, interact and be perceived as a woman. I searching for that ability to stop staring at women wishing I were one of them and finally actually be one of them in body and social interaction the way I already am in my own mind. I'm not in a transition or die state necessarily but I do have to believe that over the next 5-10 years I might have gotten to that point.  I also know that I was starting to feel strong resentment toward my wife as I stayed in the closet so there's a good chance my marriage was headed to failure anyway.

When divorce does come along, I envision I'll probably never have another significant other. My wife was my High School sweetheart, she's all I've ever known. I'll be hitting 40 this year so I can't really see being able to develop any form of relationship that would come close to what we had and thus I don't see I could ever be happy in another marriage.  Right now I'm still attracted to women, that certainly makes it even less likely that I'd ever find anyone I wanted to finish my life with who felt the same for me.  Maybe as the hormones do their job, I might experience that shift in sexual orientation that some do, but even still I'm not sure another marriage is for me.  I'll probably enjoy dating for as long as I can into my elder years but dying single is a likely reality for me.

This is why I would love to find a way that my wife and I can stay friends through this and beyond. Even if I can't be with her romantically, she has always been my best friend and I don't want to lose that. That's what's making this really hard right now. She's said on a number of occasions "I love Tony forever but I hate Alyssa for taking everything from me". I'm hoping she can resolve that some day and allow Alyssa and Tony to be one and hold on to some of that love after I've transitioned.  It seems like a long shot right now, but all I can do is take it day by day.

[aaajjj55]

Looking through the before & after posts on this forum, it's very easy to form the view that transition is the answer to all of our problems and a course of hormones & a bit of FFS will change us into the woman in/of our dreams.  We will then live happily ever after.

The truth, of course, is very different and this thread lays bare the impact it can have on those we love most.  Yes, there are some whose relationships not only survive but strengthen through transition but, for the majority, the reality is very different.  The choice, because it is a choice, usually boils down to which is the lesser of two evils - live one's own life in a permanent state of dysphoria & frustration or hurt the person one loves more than anyone else in the world.  Sadly, as many have found, being transgender is often a lose-lose situation.

Alyssa - I really feel for you in this situation as you clearly love your wife and she clearly loves you.  In many respects, I would like to advise you to do what I have done - promise to cease all TG actvities (and, in your case, treatment) and concentrate on rebuilding bridges with your wife.  However, I don't think this would fix anything - you'd still be transgender and your wife would still know that you had transgender feelings to the point where you started to transition and I suspect that neither of you would ever be emotionally able to regress to the point where you were before the cat was let of the bag, so to speak.  Outwardly, you could both put on a brave face but would your wife be truly comfortable in the marriage on this basis or would it just be a case of going through the motions for the sake of the marriage itself? 

More than anything, I think that your wife needs support now.  This means helping her through what is a very difficult time for her and letting go, if that's what she wants.  Both physically and emotionally, you are going to go through a seismic change over the next few years and, as the man gradually disappears and the woman emerges, she may come to terms with everything and be happy to treat you as a sister.  Equally, she may find the whole thing too upsetting to bear and want to part company.  And, let's not forget the possibilty that she may question her own sexuality as things progress and want to rekindle your relationship.  No-one, not even your wife, knows what will happen but your priority now must be to help her with what she wants.

You both sound like lovely people and I am sure that, if the worst does happen to this, you will each find others to love and be loved by.

[2.B.Dana]

Alyssa,

My mind has raced and my heart has ached since I first read this posting yesterday. I found it very difficult to sleep last night and spent so much time thinking about your situation.  While the details are not perfectly the same, our situations are very similar.

I came out to my wife of 25 years just about two months ago. In the initial talking I found out that she has known something was off since our first year of marriage but neither of us knew how to put words to it.  I guess what stings the most is that while I have done my very best to be the man she needed. I was never mentally equipped to complete the task. I could be a close facsimile in body but the mind was never fully male. I just knew it as me but she knew the difference.

My femininity had grown to the point that sexual intimacy had become virtually non existent and that creates its own burden.  I struggled to "be" the man and she longed for the man she thought she married.  Now I realize it just wasn't working due to the female wired brain but it is still disheartening to live with the knowledge.  I asked along the away if I got a voice in the matter of our sex life ending. There was no good answer but also no sex. I have always had a very strong private sex life and it became stronger through this ordeal and was part of what led me to realize just how female I was internally.

We had planned to sell our small farm this summer anyway and now that is even more needed to convert to cash so we can make better decisions. She can't see staying with me and she can't see leaving, more balancing on the sharp edge I guess. We still have our youngest at home, she's 13. We would certainly like to find a way to remain together to parent her through school. My wife accepts that GD is something you are born with and I didn't decide one day I was a woman inside, it was always been there. I just need to figure out what I can do with it. While we remain in the same bed, its just for sleeping. Nothing ever happens and hasn't for quite awhile. I have asked that if we buy another house together that I have my own room so I can more fully develop , me.

As you, we also have to take it awkward day by awkward day. Trying to find what a new normal is and what marriage will look like. While I love my wife with what seems like every fiber in me I don't see myself sexually attracted to her or any other woman at this point. I see myself sexually with men now but really have no emotional attraction to them, too neanderthal for me Not sure where that will lead but time will tell.

One of the things I have enjoyed about this world on Susan's is just how many places around the world the women come from. To me it validates somehow just how universal this situation is, and not just me. I was surprised and pleased to see that we are actually from the same state. Feel free to PM me if you want to see if we are close enough to possible meet one day. To have an understanding sister nearby would be a treasure.

[FTMDiaries]

Last night I spent the first night no longer sleeping in our bed, no longer sleeping along side my wife. After a few days of discussion, outlining each of our needs, I've agreed to move out of our bedroom into a spare bedroom we have in the basement. 

This is awful. I've been in a similar situation, except after my husband rejected me due to my coming out, I eventually had to kick him out of our bed because I no longer felt comfortable sleeping in the same bed after the abominable way he'd treated me. Still, having spent all those years sharing a bed together, it's very jarring indeed to have to stop that arrangement. I'm not surprised you're an emotional basket case; it took me many months to adjust. If you can, try to re-decorate your new room to make the most of it. Make it into a gorgeous, welcoming retreat for yourself; a place where you can relax & pamper yourself when you need a bit of TLC.

I keep thinking to myself, I could stop this all right now, tell her I've decided not to transition, and it would make both of us immensely happy (at least for the moment).

Sadly, this is unlikely to ever happen... because the cat's out of the bag, so your wife will never treat you the same way again even if you tell her you're not going to transition. It'll always be hanging around in the back of her mind, and she'll be on tenterhooks looking for he slightest sign of femininity in you. She'll keep wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. There are plenty of ladies here (and quite a few of us guys too!) who've experienced this. I'm sorry, but no matter what you do, things will never be the same again. So if things have already permanently changed between yourself & your wife, you might as well keep moving in the right direction.

I'm trying to remind myself of the resentment I had been feeling toward my wife before I came out to her.

If you were to try to shut this down & go back to male mode, that resentment would eventually escalate to irreparable levels. And then you'd probably wind up transitioning anyway, but several years older than you already are, and with a lot more baggage to deal with.

We were very happy in so many ways. This transition is destroying such a great thing we had. 

The transition, in and of itself, is not what's destroying the great thing you had. It takes two to tango, remember? You have a genuine medical condition that is making your life a misery, and the only medically proven treatment is the one you're undergoing right now. Your wife - who promised to love you for better or for worse, in sickness or in health - cannot currently accept your medical condition and is ostracising you because of the medically necessary treatment you're undergoing. Just like my husband did with me. Your wife is breaking her marital vow to stand by you in sickness & in health, so she is at least 50% responsible for what's happening right now.

Our friends were jealous of the life we had together. Everyone was so impressed that we survived teen pregnancy, job struggles and every thing else life threw at us. And I feel like I'm throwing all that away now.

How are you throwing it all away? You didn't choose a teen pregnancy. You didn't choose those job struggles. You didn't choose to be trans. This is just another one of those struggles. Transitioning is no more (or less!) a struggle than a teen pregnancy or struggling to find work. All of these things are challenges... and hey, look at you surviving yet another challenge right now. Go you! But if your marriage can't survive this challenge, that's not solely your fault: marriage is a 50/50 partnership, so your wife is equally responsible for your marriage's ability to survive this new challenge.

I just need to know that when I've transitioned I'll be able to look back and say this hurt like hell but it was worth it.  Can anyone offer any re-assurance??  I really need something to grasp onto right now.

I lost my husband. I lost my kids. I even lost my dog. And I don't regret transitioning for a second. I only have two regrets: that I didn't do it sooner, and that my family turned out to be douches about the whole thing. The first regret is on me, but the second one is on them.

Right now I'm still attracted to women, that certainly makes it even less likely that I'd ever find anyone I wanted to finish my life with who felt the same for me.  Maybe as the hormones do their job, I might experience that shift in sexual orientation that some do, but even still I'm not sure another marriage is for me.  I'll probably enjoy dating for as long as I can into my elder years but dying single is a likely reality for me.

It's quite rare to experience a shift in sexual orientation, but it does happen in a few cases so it's good to keep an open mind. It's far more likely that you'll remain attracted to women. One of the wonderful things you could experience as you transition is the companionship of other women. Not every relationship has to be sexual, but once you're more comfortable in your own skin, your self-confidence will get a boost and you may well find that there's some romance in your future.

This is why I would love to find a way that my wife and I can stay friends through this and beyond. Even if I can't be with her romantically, she has always been my best friend and I don't want to lose that. That's what's making this really hard right now.

I felt the same way about my husband at first: we've been best friends for more than 2 decades & I'd hoped we'd be able to remain friends at least. However, the way he treated me during my transition has changed my mind about it: I have no place in my life for someone who has treated me so badly. So at the moment we have cordial, civil interactions between us, and only because of our kids. Other than that, he can go swivel for all I care. 

She's said on a number of occasions "I love Tony forever but I hate Alyssa for taking everything from me". I'm hoping she can resolve that some day and allow Alyssa and Tony to be one and hold on to some of that love after I've transitioned.  It seems like a long shot right now, but all I can do is take it day by day.

This is something that some cisgender people seem to struggle with: they perceive us as being two separate people before & after transition. But the truth is that we are in fact the same person - the one who was always there. Tony was just a mask that Alyssa had to wear so she could get through her day. But you're still there, and you're still you - right? You've simply stopped pretending to be something (and someone) you're not.

If I had any clue about how to help your wife get her head around this simple fact, I'd be more than happy to share it. But sadly, this aspect of the cisgender mind tends to mystify me. One of my kids actually accused me of being a murder who killed her mother (pretty cruel, especially since I lost my own mother before she was born). I simply replied: "I'm still alive, and I'm still right here". It takes time for them to get it through their heads.

[JoanneB]

.... I'm having MAJOR doubts. I keep thinking to myself, I could stop this all right now, tell her I've decided not to transition, and it would make both of us immensely happy (at least for the moment).

..... I still can't escape the urge to shut this down and just go back.

It's not much of a rescue bag.... I can say if I had a dollar for every time I thought or said "I can stop this..." I'd be very rich.  It took quite a few times with my wife responding back "We both know you can't. You need to see where this leads" before I kinda sorta stopped saying or thinking it a lot. Even today, almost 8 years in I still wish I can, even try to in little ways.

Dealing with being trans at 50 something was not a life neither myself or my wife wants. We both know I am a far better person for the effort. No matter how often I try slacking off a bit on HRT, I very shortly pay the price with depression and even anger. My worse fear for about 6 years now is reverting back to that "Angry" thing I was.

I know for me, so far, dealing, for real, with the Trans-Beast has been worth it. My bear and pillow were often soaked with tears. Many days were spent on the verge of crying over the pain of an unknown future, the pain of knowing how this is hurting the one person in the world that means everything to me. My two oldest friends Shame & Guilt often screaming into each ear as they sit on my shoulders.

It did get better. It does take work. Having a TG support group helped me a lot. So did reading a ton of self-help books and therapy. I had a few tons of emotional baggage that needed shedding and new ways and tools to see myself and and the world as it really is. It takes work to believe you actually do deserve to have joy in your life, a joy all of your own. A joy of doing something for you, rather then what was expected

[DawnOday]

Alyssa  It was not my intention to peave you. Of course we all have different situations and my second wife has accepted my choice to begin HRT. Having said that, I am considerably older than you are. My first wife left me when she found out I was sneaking around in her makeup. I can't blame her and I still love her to this day. But she moved on and has now been married to her doctor husband for 34 years. It hasn't been easy for me or my second wife because I can't let it go. I promised before God I would love honor and cherish until death do us  part. I am so disappointed my troth was broken. I have to say if we had gone to therapy at that point we would still be together today.  I told my second wife early on that I was a crossdresser and it really has not been an issue. I do it when she is at work as I am home by myself all day. I know it makes her uneasy but she has been very understanding. She knows I have been through a lot in my life. She also knows it may not be my fault as I believe I was a DES baby. It's ironic that the symptoms of DES poisoning also cause my heart disease, diabetes, and genital defects. Our sex life has been dormant for 25 years due to the very drug we joyfully take to reduce the volume of testosterone in our bodies. I have been taking Spiro for CHF since 93. It is used in cardio care as a diuretic. So all I have to share with my wife is our mutual love and respect for each other. We have always been there for one another. For this I feel blessed. I'm sure my wife does not believe she is a lesbian. I have not changed. I still have the one inch penis I always had. I did not leave her when I found out her vagina was too big. No we found other ways to pleasure ourselves. I studied tantra sex as it is more of a whole body experience than the missionary position. All things considered our love life is better than ever. No, not everyone is as fortunate as I am. I don't expect you or anyone else is. But I still remind my wife every day why we are together. We have two great children, I do love her with all my heart. She is still attractive at 60 years old. My sexual confusion perplexes me and it has been part of me for as long as I have a memory. I didn't have many answers until a year ago. All I knew is that my body parts were the wrong ones. No she is not a lesbian. She is a human being who fell in love with me in spite of my proclivities. Like I said. Love does not have a gender. Sex maybe, Love definitely not.  At least in my experience.