Dysphoria has hit hard

[Saira128]

    Hi everyone. This site has helped me a lot. I have been writing here on and of for the past few months.
    I have been feeling dysphoric about my body since many years, but that dysphoria has grown in magnitude in the past few days.
     I am unable to look at myself in the mirror, I can't face looking at my hairy body, I hate my huge size, I'm 6ft 1 inch tall and heavy, I hate my extra large feet( uk size 12-13). I am also very uncomfortable with my voice.
     I cry every night, and keep feeling miserable. I have suicidal thoughts, though I have stopped cutting myself. I have this intense hatred for my body.
      I'm tired of living like this. I just want to feel happy again. When I smile, its just the muscles moving, I don't feel anything inside. I'm tired of faking it.
       I don't know if I can take it anymore.

[SailorMars1994]

Take pride in one big victory. You have stopped cutting, and I aswell as every single member on this forum is very proud of you  <3

Now, to the other thing. Dysphoria tends to get worse in time, not better. I would suggest seeing a gender therapist asap. They can talk to you about a way forward in the best way. You could also start living part-time to ease dysphoria or if it is possible, go full time if you know in your heart this will help you and of course, if it is safe! My advice may not be as good as others here, but that my 2 cents and once again awesome stuff on the stopping of cutting

One big *HUG* for you sis

-Ashley!

[Denise]

Moving forward, even slowly, may (it did for me) help with the dysphoric feelings. 

Moving forward at the beginning means seeing a gender therapist.  If you can't find one who can see you in a relatively short period of time see any therapist.

There are things you can do personally like:
   Shave off the hair
   Start Laser/electrolysis hair removal
   Start Voice training
   Let your hair grow (this is not something you can do over night - duh)
   Find someone who you trust completely and ask them to be your 'unpaid therapist'.  It helps to talk to someone.
   Try to relax - do something fun that keeps your mind occupied.  Idle minds do bad things.
   Post questions/comments here - it's was a HUGE form of therapy for me.  (That's why I donate - Thanks Susan)
   
What not to do:
   Dwell on that which you can't change.  Height for example - I have short legs - there are a ton of outfits I can't wear.... for example.

[Chris8080]

I feel quite ill equipped and inexperienced to be giving advice but I can tell what helped me and in huge ways. I was at the end of my rope, a lifetime (I'm 68) of depression, being alone and feeling completely helpless and hopeless.

I had a discussion with myself every day for the last several years, it went like this:
Self - Just lay those horrid things on a chopping block and be done with them.
Other self - Don't be a fool, you will bleed to death.
Self - yeah, your no doubt right.

That went on for several years and then one day the conversation changed and went this way:
Self - Just lay those horrid things on a chopping block and be done with them.
Other self - Don't be a fool, you will bleed to death.
Self - yeah your no doubt right but at least I will die without them.

Scary and sobering thought that was, dying is the last thing I want. Scared me enough to take my head out of my hieny and find a therapist. There aren't any in this area and the one I found was 3 1/2 hours away, 7 hours round trip. I made an appointment and through the entire drive I had such profound hopelessness, what possible good could come of this? How could I possibly explain anything to her? In 68 years I had never spoken a single word of any of this to a single soul, always on my guard and in disguise. Now I'm not only gonna open up but make sense? Doubt is such a weak word.

I arrived for the appointment and she immediately put me at ease, she was so understanding and patient with me. The first session lasted an hour and a half and I found myself talking about things that I wouldn't even let myself think about. Later she recommended an MD for me and discussed my situation at length with the doctor before my appointment. MD turned out to be another kind, understanding and helpful professional, we talked for a half hour and I left there with scripts for HRT plus she recommended a Urologist and discussed my case with him. Appointment there in June.

Those two women saved my life. Literally! I was/am completely shocked by the amount of help I got from them. All of those years so miserable and it was so simple in hindsight to get real help, real improvement and mostly real hope for the future.

Saira128 I implore you to find a qualified counselor. They are trained professionals and I think you will find that they care about you and they can help in so many ways.

[Saira128]

I am already seeing a therapist. She is very kind. I feel better after talking to her. Its a 6 hr drive from my house, 12 hr round trip, but its worth it. But till now, she has just been prescribing me anti depressants. She says, she wants to first bring my depression under control, and then she will talk about my gender issues.
     But for me, my depression arises from my gender issues. Don't know how she is going to treat my depression separately.

       Currently, I need some happiness in my life. I just sit, doing nothing in my house. I'm 21, I have taken a gap year from my college, I feel like I'm wasting crucial years of my life.
      I just wish this nightmare will be over soon, and I start on hormones.

[Saira128]

Take pride in one big victory. You have stopped cutting, and I aswell as every single member on this forum is very proud of you  <3

Now, to the other thing. Dysphoria tends to get worse in time, not better. I would suggest seeing a gender therapist asap. They can talk to you about a way forward in the best way. You could also start living part-time to ease dysphoria or if it is possible, go full time if you know in your heart this will help you and of course, if it is safe! My advice may not be as good as others here, but that my 2 cents and once again awesome stuff on the stopping of cutting

One big *HUG* for you sis

-Ashley!

Your advice was great as always sister.

[Saira128]

Moving forward, even slowly, may (it did for me) help with the dysphoric feelings. 

Moving forward at the beginning means seeing a gender therapist.  If you can't find one who can see you in a relatively short period of time see any therapist.

There are things you can do personally like:
   Shave off the hair
   Start Laser/electrolysis hair removal
   Start Voice training
   Let your hair grow (this is not something you can do over night - duh)
   Find someone who you trust completely and ask them to be your 'unpaid therapist'.  It helps to talk to someone.
   Try to relax - do something fun that keeps your mind occupied.  Idle minds do bad things.
   Post questions/comments here - it's was a HUGE form of therapy for me.  (That's why I donate - Thanks Susan)
   
What not to do:
   Dwell on that which you can't change.  Height for example - I have short legs - there are a ton of outfits I can't wear.... for example.

I know, I'm thinking about things which I can't change. I'd have just felt comfortable, if there were more tall girls around here.
     I haven't personally ever seen a 6 ft girl here in India.
      I cannot do the little things that you mentioned, because I'm still in the closet. But I'll start growing my hair out. [emoji2]

[Saira128]

I feel like crying everyday. I don't know whats gonna happen when I start hrt.

[LizK]

Hi Saira,

Feeling like you do is a tough place to be and I do hope you have someone you can chat to off line when you need it. Maybe a little pampering might make you feel better....I don't mean dressing or makeup (unless that helps)...simple stuff like giving yourself a pedicure or manicure, maybe getting some fresh air. Reading a favourite book or listening to some favourite music, maybe as nice meal...what ever makes you feel good. When you feel really dysphoric is sometimes the time when you really need to take that bit of extra care for yourself...better still if someone will help you

You can go on and it is the dysphoria that is making you feel this way...you won't feel that way forever...it sucks when it happens, you will be better...

Liz

 

[Saira128]

I have started feeling better since 2 days. I don't know what changed, but my self confidence has taken a boost. I guess, its me who's changed.

[Saira128]

Hi Saira,

Feeling like you do is a tough place to be and I do hope you have someone you can chat to off line when you need it. Maybe a little pampering might make you feel better....I don't mean dressing or makeup (unless that helps)...simple stuff like giving yourself a pedicure or manicure, maybe getting some fresh air. Reading a favourite book or listening to some favourite music, maybe as nice meal...what ever makes you feel good. When you feel really dysphoric is sometimes the time when you really need to take that bit of extra care for yourself...better still if someone will help you

You can go on and it is the dysphoria that is making you feel this way...you won't feel that way forever...it sucks when it happens, you will be better...

Liz

I know, I'll get better. I have already started feeling a bit better.

[Chris8080]

I feel like crying everyday. I don't know whats gonna happen when I start hrt.

If I am an example the HRT effect was much more than breast development, while that is certainly both wonderful and needed the biggest and more important effect is an overall relaxed and at ease feeling plus a mentally relaxed at peace feeling. I just feel better both physically and mentally. If the breasts stopped growing today that would be kinda sad, I would like more but I would continue with HRT for the more important benefits I get. YMMV of course but that kinda sums up HRT for me.

[finallyheeled]

I have a bad case of dysphoria as well, especially when I have to go back to boy mode.  At times, I can have a lot of anxiety about it.  If I catch a glimpse of the beard shadow or look at my hands without my nails done right, I feel extremely self-conscious.  It's such an odd, foreign feeling.  I'm also 6' without heels, which is bothersome to me, but I feel so much better when I'm not dressed as a guy even if I resemble an Amazon when fully dressed.  It is SO therapeutic to me; helps ease my mind.  These things seem to really nag at me lately, so I'm going to have to accelerate my transition pace.  I am doing what I can (and can afford), by keeping my body and facial hair at bay, keeping my nails painted, and growing my hair out (which is now just below my shoulders—YAY!).  For me, these are baby steps, but I keep at these things in preparation for hrt.
I love what ElizabethK said as it rings true to me: "it is the dysphoria that is making you feel this way, but you won't feel that way forever".  I look forward to that day.

Vera

[CarlyMcx]

I have started feeling better since 2 days. I don't know what changed, but my self confidence has taken a boost. I guess, its me who's changed.

Or the anti depressants started working.

[Saira128]

Or the anti depressants started working.

Yeah, maybe.

[SadieBlake]

Sara, from what you've said the abuse you've told us about is almost certainly a factor in your depression, so yes I think it's important for your therapist to focus on that. However, proceeding to address gender doesn't necessarily need to wait. Have you talked about the abuse issues with her?

In my therapy, ultimately I'm in charge and I address what I need to and with her help we address both sides of it. It was nearly a year and a half into therapy before I realized I needed to seriously consider transition, though our work had been moving in that direction for a few months.

Sometimes we need to be dealing with immediate issues, things that are hurting too much in the here and now and at other times we focus on the larger picture. For my part I greatly value that she's an MD and can talk about the biochemistry behind bith depression and gender. I've worked with therapists who weren't scientifically literate and this approach has been better for me. This said, I don't mean that there are easy answers or certain knowledge because of course the mechanisms aren't fully understood.

Best wishes and I could certainly suggest making small steps toward transition and also understand the effects abuse has on the body. Also remember, anyone can pass (and I've known some very tall Indian women); some of us choose not to pass. I chose not to transition medically fortwo decades and yet I transitioned socially in that time and I like to think of it as a very long start to RLE.

Hugs, SB

[Saira128]

Sara, from what you've said the abuse you've told us about is almost certainly a factor in your depression, so yes I think it's important for your therapist to focus on that. However, proceeding to address gender doesn't necessarily need to wait. Have you talked about the abuse issues with her?

In my therapy, ultimately I'm in charge and I address what I need to and with her help we address both sides of it. It was nearly a year and a half into therapy before I realized I needed to seriously consider transition, though our work had been moving in that direction for a few months.

Sometimes we need to be dealing with immediate issues, things that are hurting too much in the here and now and at other times we focus on the larger picture. For my part I greatly value that she's an MD and can talk about the biochemistry behind bith depression and gender. I've worked with therapists who weren't scientifically literate and this approach has been better for me. This said, I don't mean that there are easy answers or certain knowledge because of course the mechanisms aren't fully understood.

Best wishes and I could certainly suggest making small steps toward transition and also understand the effects abuse has on the body. Also remember, anyone can pass (and I've known some very tall Indian women); some of us choose not to pass. I chose not to transition medically fortwo decades and yet I transitioned socially in that time and I like to think of it as a very long start to RLE.

Hugs, SB

I have tried bringing up the topic of my abuse, but everytime, I hesitate, I feel ashamed to talk about it. I know, this should be the topic of priority with my counsellor, but I haven't been able to bring myself to talk about it.
     I haven't even tried talking about it with my parents. I thought my parents' initial reaction to me coming out to them was positive, but for the past month, they have been trying to talk me out of this. I don't know, how they plan to convince me I'm not trans. We haven't been talking much in the past few months. Our conversations are filled with uncomfortable silences. Its like, they want to care about me, but don't want to accept the reality. I don't know how they will react to my abuse.
   I have been remembering more about my abuse. I have always known what happened, I just didn't want to accept it. I remember the woman used to beat me after using me. It makes me feel worthless, like a piece of trash.
     I have been trying to stay happy as much as I can. I try to watch something on the tv, play some video games, I go to the gym daily. But nothing seems to make me happy anymore. Most of the day I'm depressed, feeling down all the time.
     It feels nice that atleast someone cares about me.
     
   

[Michelle_P]

Saira, the folks who love us and care for us often have a strong attachment to what they remember us as, and the changes after we let the know our true nature take time for others to accept.  When your parents try to convince you that, well, you aren't YOU, they are just trying to express their concern for you.  That doesn't make it easier to take, but try to reassure them that you still care for them, but what is happening for you is real, not transient, and something that won't change.

Eventually they will come around.  It's a long slow healing process.

I wouldn't bring up any abuse issues with your parents for a while.  They might seize on that as a rationale for your being transgender and see it as a path to a 'cure'.  Just concentrate on working through the past issues with your therapist for now.  I know it can be hard to bring some things up even in the confidence of a therapy session.  I've used a trick for myself in the past.

When I had trouble bringing up something in therapy, I would write it on a sheet of paper.  Just a sentence or perhaps two.  I'd fold the paper and carry it in my hand into the session.  If I couldn't speak the words aloud, they were at least on the paper, and it was obvious to the therapist that I was carrying something.  If I didn't hand her the letter, she would see it and ask what I was holding.  This provided other ways to introduce the subject without my having to work up the courage to speak it aloud and unprompted.

[SadieBlake]

Sara, yes you have to talk to the therapist about it -- I would consider talking to family optional, I don't talk to my family about these things. Maybe you need a framework for that, for instance, tell her you have to discuss something difficult, that you may need help just to vocalize .... whatever you need from her I'm sure she'll try hard to deliver the support.

Hugs

[Daniellekai]

I'm finding dysphoria is increasing the more I start to undo all the emotional barriers I've given myself over the years, I'm not on estrogen yet, it's coming though. Today for the first time my gut reaction to being called "sir" was annoyance, I was presenting male so it should've been expected even by my gut.