Hello everyone:
I'd like to begin by simply saying hello. My name is Vera, I'm 42, MTF. I've known for more than 20 years that I'm a woman, but I still feel so lost.
I'm so very thankful to you all for your vast and knowledgeable input here. I thoroughly enjoy reading all your posts as they have been very informative and helpful in carving out my own plans and transition timeline. A timeline moving at a snail's pace largely due to lack of income and FEAR. I have yet to start HRT, but I've been taking small steps like looking for another therapist that I like (I just left #4), using a no-no device for beard removal, having long hair, painting my toenails (fuchsia today), and replacing the undesirable male wardrobe for more feminine garments, just so I can feel better about myself. I'm at such peace just putting my bra on every day. Am I silly?
These small steps I can control have taken me years to accomplish and yet I still can't move forward. Let me explain further...
Even though I am still making firm transition plans that scare me to death, I intend to carry out these plans one day, but I still struggle to take action on my physical self (start hormones, go F/T, etc), due to such paralyzing fear. I've had some electrolysis work done with much more to go, so I am proud of myself for that. However, I read or hear how yet another trans woman has been murdered somewhere; how trans folks seek insurance coverage, only to be denied or turned away from services; how bathroom bills and other trans issues are essentially being erased or faded out of society; etc. This hurts me when my sisters are being targeted and then I wonder, am I next?
I have so many thoughts to share, it's hard to know where to begin except that I am very scared & overwhelmed today, I was even having palpitations. Lately, this uncertainty seems to lead me down a constant path of dark depression. It was so bad earlier today that I left work to come home to dress in my own clothes and heels, reapply my press on nails--TRAGIC!, just to calm down, but it isn't working. I am bitter than I'm not in a salon having my nails DONE, but I digress. When I reached in my purse for my lipstick, I felt such a sense of hopelessness and being trapped. Sometimes I wonder if I'm too old to transition now. My hopes and dreams are dying as I type this.
I admire each and every one of you for your bravery to take on your incredible journey! In time, I sincerely hope to meet and cultivate new friendships with other women like me as courage builds.
I guess my feelings of fear are somewhat normal (also from what I've read here and there), but how does one ever overcome this? I don't know what I'm asking for or how I'm to feel now. I just needed to get that out. Sorry for my mad rambling.
Thanks for reading,
Vera