anyone else feel being trans makes them so depressed?

[ana1111]

I'm so tired of it I hate being t with a passion...so much do I wish I could be a regular girl whos life wasn't so complicated and wasn't deprived of so much due to this awful condition... I really hate being trans, I hate how I look, I hate people and society as a whole...theres so few things that make me happy like my boyfriends one of the only things that does and I went through hell dating trying to find him...I feel so jaded and bitter with life. I'm so tired of seeing peoples hate on the internet everyday, being terrified to try to get a job, feeling self conscious going places, feeling ugly, feeling like people are judging me or I'm a mistake or a burden....im so broken really... I don't regret "transitioning" in the slightest...to me its like a cancer patient regretting chemo therapy even though there cancer went in to remission...ya I'm "better" but I don't have the determination or strength to save up for surgeries yet I'm still not happy or confident...I have zero real life friends and just ugh I don't understand people on here who are "happy" to be trans at all....

[Wild Flower]

They are happy because they accept it for what it is, and by accepting it, they can feel happy.

To me, being transgender is no different than cancer, Xtreme diabetes, a mental handicap.... but the difference is society accepts those conditions, whereas transgender is look *sometimes* as a fault of the person like it's a mental illness, when it's not a mental illness, but a biological defect no different than being born with down syndrome.  It's not a perversion.

But really accepting it is the only solution for happiness, otherwise we would all be locked up in our rooms, drinking our lives away, watching soap operas, and reruns... then the landlord knocks on the door and we have to pay our rent.... and you keep eating away, as the kittens in the cupboards purr away... and you keep eating, and then they open the door and put you in a crazy home.

Acceptance is the only thing.

----
Life does suck... just got to look for the good moments in it, otherwise, I would be a fat non-passable cat woman on disability waiting for an early death, and maybe find some fat-old *he still got to be tall* husband who does the 9 to 5, and still loves me when I'm ugly, and I'm like 30-something and he's like 55 to 60 to give a reason to be with me. And we just live in some rundown trailer in the boonies, and live happily ever after...  **actually I would be happier living that life than the one I am living right now lol**

[findingout]

I was and still am depressed because of the opposite. I hid who i was. Then I came out to my wife and started wearing women's clothes. When I'm dressed I feel so happy. I feel i am who I'm meant to be. However my wife is threatening to leave if i tell anyone or go out dressed. But now i have felt how i feel there is no going back. If she leaves she leaves. Its not a condition btw, its just a different form of gender.

Sent from my Moto G (4) using Tapatalk

[Dani]

Anna,

Self acceptance is so very important. It must be number 1 on your to do list!

In my opinion, my being trans is just a state of my mind. Nobody else can read my mind. If I don't tell people my trans history, they do not know.

Many people live single lives and many times being single is much better than a bad relationship. I understand the need for younger people to feel connected. As we get older, other things such as work or family take over. Just decide what you want to do and do it. There will be other people there as well.

[Yuusui]

Since I realized I was trans, my life couldn't be any happier.

[p]

Being in the early stages of my transition, I totally feel you, Anna. Sometimes I just think I am out of effs to give. Not sure where you are in your transition, but talking with older T friends makes me think that it can sometimes take years, even a decade, to feel truly comfortable in your own skin again. It's definitely a long journey. FWIW, you look absolutely STUNNING and I wouldn't be surprised if that's at least part of the reason you might be getting some lingering looks that you are interpreting as judgment. I'm rooting for you, Anna! 

[Inarasarah]

On happiness:

I have spent many years being depressed about who I was and the fact I was not born female.  I spent years praying that god would change me, or hoping that there was some magic in the world that could undo what nature made.  But the reality of it is, this is how I was born.  The only way I could not be depressed any more was to address the cause of the depression--the fact that I was not living my life as me.  So I opened the closet door and came out.

Do I regret not having been born female, or not having the experiences of growing up as a girl...I did, but I have accomplished so much in my life, that I would not be where I am at today without the experiences I have gone through thus far in my life.  It reminds me of an old saying:

          "If I could change one thing about my life, it would change so much I could not call it 'my life'."

So am I happy being a trans-woman?  I actually don't think of it much.  I am happy being me.  I am happy with my life.  I am happy with the things I have, the people I know, my family, and most importantly my friends.  So when it comes to being happy, all I can say is I am happy because I choose to be happy.  I choose to not let the awful, horrible things that some in society say or do affect me, because I am a good, decent, and caring person.

By no means do I wish to portray my life as perfect.  There are of course things I wish to change and make better.  Some of these things directly relate to me being trans, some do not.  Ultimately, the sum of everything makes me human...and I want to be a happy human.

[kittenpower]

I am happy being me, and being trans is only a small part of who I am; I don't let it define me as a person. If you dwell on negativity that is all that you will see.

[somewhat]

Not my forum, but I feel exactly how you describe it. Being trans is suffocating. I also have zero real life friends. At least we are not alone.

[KathyLauren]

Being trans doesn't make me depressed.  It is just the way I am, neither inherently good nor bad. 

What makes me depressed is feeling stuck.  I was stuck for several decades.  When my progress feels like it is too slow (It is actually pretty quick by some standards, though often it feels like wading through molasses), I try to force some progress.  One of my little mind games is, "Who can I come out to today?"  At the moment, I have some actual progress happening (going full time later this month), so I'm feeling good. 

[KayXo]

I honestly wish I was born a normal girl, things would have been so much simpler but in some ways, we are lucky. We control what hormones we take, no cycles with PMS, no bleeding every month and just this journey in general, kind of proud and happy to have gone through it, it was a special experience that I value.

[Harley Quinn]

I think the "happy about being trans" is a little off. I believe that more people are happy that trans is recognized and that it's better than not having any course of action to correct your own body to some degree. It's not a real fix, but better than nothing.

[Angela Drakken]

I am happy being me, and being trans is only a small part of who I am; I don't let it define me as a person. If you dwell on negativity that is all that you will see.

I couldnt agree more. :3

The only depressing thing I find with my trans identity is that I spent so many years denying it.
I get to keep living, theres nothing wrong with that. I get to see the sun rise, being trans doesnt ruin that for me. I get to laugh, smile, cry, and it has little to do with my being trans. Perspective means everything.

[Kylo]

Yes, there's not much I can see that's positive about it. It's like trying to find the positives of a deformity.

But at some point you also have to let go of the depression and just get on with living.

[Angela Drakken]

But at some point you also have to let go of the depression and just get on with living.

YUP.

[finallyheeled]

Hello everyone:

I'd like to begin by simply saying hello.  My name is Vera, I'm 42, MTF.  I've known for more than 20 years that I'm a woman, but I still feel so lost. 

I'm so very thankful to you all for your vast and knowledgeable input here.  I thoroughly enjoy reading all your posts as they have been very informative and helpful in carving out my own plans and transition timeline.  A timeline moving at a snail's pace largely due to lack of income and FEAR.  I have yet to start HRT, but I've been taking small steps like looking for another therapist that I like (I just left #4), using a no-no device for beard removal, having long hair, painting my toenails (fuchsia today), and replacing the undesirable male wardrobe for more feminine garments, just so I can feel better about myself.  I'm at such peace just putting my bra on every day.  Am I silly?

These small steps I can control have taken me years to accomplish and yet I still can't move forward.  Let me explain further...

Even though I am still making firm transition plans that scare me to death, I intend to carry out these plans one day, but I still struggle to take action on my physical self (start hormones, go F/T, etc), due to such paralyzing fear.  I've had some electrolysis work done with much more to go, so I am proud of myself for that.  However, I read or hear how yet another trans woman has been murdered somewhere; how trans folks seek insurance coverage, only to be denied or turned away from services; how bathroom bills and other trans issues are essentially being erased or faded out of society; etc.  This hurts me when my sisters are being targeted and then I wonder, am I next?

I have so many thoughts to share, it's hard to know where to begin except that I am very scared & overwhelmed today, I was even having palpitations.  Lately, this uncertainty seems to lead me down a constant path of dark depression.  It was so bad earlier today that I left work to come home to dress in my own clothes and heels, reapply my press on nails--TRAGIC!, just to calm down, but it isn't working.  I am bitter than I'm not in a salon having my nails DONE, but I digress.  When I reached in my purse for my lipstick, I felt such a sense of hopelessness and being trapped.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm too old to transition now.  My hopes and dreams are dying as I type this.

I admire each and every one of you for your bravery to take on your incredible journey!  In time, I sincerely hope to meet and cultivate new friendships with other women like me as courage builds.

I guess my feelings of fear are somewhat normal (also from what I've read here and there), but how does one ever overcome this?  I don't know what I'm asking for or how I'm to feel now.  I just needed to get that out.  Sorry for my mad rambling.

Thanks for reading,

Vera

[Wild Flower]

Hmmm.... my post was edited, but I stand even stronger by my original post *if you were lucky to read it*, since they all proven why I was right lol. (except for one)

[Angélique LaCava]

I'm with you. Everything you stated sounds like it was coming from my mouth. I hate it so much. I complain about it everyday because everytime I leave the house I wonder if anyone knows.

[Janes Groove]

It's been said before but that's for a reason. Just be you.  Realistically who else can you be?  There aren't a lot of other options (zero in fact).
I know beautiful cis women that are such a trainwreck I wouldn't want to be them in a million years. I know non passing trans women the size of linebackers with a personality so big they can suck the oxygen out of a room.   Edgar Cayce once said, "The mind is the builder."  If you keep building  "I hate being trans" ideation then it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

[CarlyMcx]

Good heavens, no!  I had to live 53 years as a boy and then as a man, and I spent the last 10 of those years suffering massive, debilitating panic attacks featuring chest pains, arm pains, neck pains, jaw pains, and irregular heartbeats and near fainting spells.

I didn't transition with any particular notions of "being a woman."  I transitioned because I was on my knees praying that going on hormones and transitioning would put an end to the near constant chest pains, irregular heartbeats, high blood pressure, and the overwhelming fear that I was going to suddenly die from a heart attack without doing something that I was supposed to do with the rest of my life.  And I was so deep in denial I did not know what that something was until a good 9 years after the panic attacks started.

At 53 I did not expect much from the hormones.  Anything feminine that happened to my face and body was gravy.  Now I cannot pass a mirror without smiling at myself, and if I look too long and think about what I've been through and how far I have come, I start to giggle like a teenage girl.

I have several close friends in my support group, and I just came out to two women I've known since high school, and I can now count them as close, real life cisgender friends.

It is not all peaches and cream.  Men are starting to stare at me, and I got sexually harassed in the drive through at McDonald's by the guy in the car behind me, but that is part of life.  I've been bullied plenty of times while living as a man, and if this is the female version of it, so be it.

Until I was 19, I never knew that gender transition actually existed.  I thought I was stuck forever living as a boy/man and dreaming about being a woman.  And it took me another 34 years to actually make it happen, but I did it!  I am here!  Me!  I made it out of the darkness and into the light and that is worth celebrating.

My facial hair removal is currently stalled for lack of funds, but I am going to go out and earn the necessary money.  It just takes time and work.

I still have to scrape up the money for FFS, but somehow I will make it happen.  Even if I have to earn it five dollars at a time and stick it in a coffee jar until I have enough, I will do that.

But I will not give up and I will not feel depressed.  I've worked too hard and waited too long for this.