Transition Without Gender Marker Change?

[BeerBurpGirl]

So, for some reason I have been hesitant to post this, mainly because I worry about my transness coming into question, which is really something I shouldn't worry about at all, but we all do to some extent I imagine.

I don't know why my gender marker change is such an issue for me, so I figured I'd lay it out here and see what feedback I get.

I'm 38 and I've been on HRT and living full time for a little over a year as MtF. But for some reason I'm hesitant to change my gender marker to F. I've come from the view that I'm not a full man nor a full woman. I view myself as non-binary if a label is required. I can't say where on the spectrum I exist for sure, but I do know I lean more on the female side in summation. I've had a lot of facial hair removed, but I'm not done and I just recently had a lot come back when I switched my HRT regimen. My mustache is especially stubborn (despite 5 laser treatments thus far) and some days I just go to the store no make up and dress more androgynous. I do want to remove it and have already paid for two more laser sessions, but there are moments that make me wonder if I might stop at one point someday and let a very light amount of it grow in from time to time... probably not, but there is a small possibility. I live in a very progressive city that has a robust gender variance  accepting nature. Nobody has ever said or questioned me in any way even when I've clearly had better days presentation wise. But while stealth might not be required in this city, the wife wants to move to Asheville, NC someday.

So what does that mean for me? Do I just change my name for now an deal with the gender marker down the road? But then I ask myself why deal with all the work and cost I'm about to put into a name change and not bother to do the gender marker as well? To be quite honest I really want NB as my gender marker but as far as I know that is not an option.

I guess I really don't care about stealth as a full means to an end. Stealth when I can pull it off is great, but my hairline and voice will probably always make it hard for me. My kids call me dad still and I don't ever see that changing. I actually like having a public presence as transgender. I want to show the world who we are and that there's nothing to fear. In fact I hope to inspire others to pursue their dreams and overcome their hurdles. Some days I wonder what if I just leave the marker as M and continue to try to pass as F as much as possible? I watched a documentary on Pete Burns once and he looked very passable but never claimed to be a woman. I like that approach because it really removes the anxiety of always wondering if I'm passing or not. Sometimes I use my feminine voice, sometimes I slip, sometimes I'm just lazy and don't bother, sometimes I need to yell or talk loudly and it's hard to have the voice pass in that scenario. Sometimes I'm in the bathroom with my daughter and the echo of the room only enhances the depth of my voice. She has also called me dad in the bathroom and once went up to a woman and child and introduced me as her dad (ugh, boy was that awkward).

In the end I view this as just another label and quite frankly I'm sick of labels. But if I just ask myself "what bathroom do you want to pee in", then that can be a whole other story and having a F will be what I want in some circumstances such as when I travel down to NC this summer for a visit to scope things out.

I welcome all thoughts and feedback.

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi BeerBurpGirl! You shouldn't be ashamed to ask this since you're not the only one wondering. I wonder the same myself. I'm pre everything but I've given it some thought and I'm more worried about my name than the gender marker. If I go to the doctor or to the bank or whatever I'd be super embarrassed if I looked like a girl but they called me by a boy name. I tend to think that if I transition I'll just change my name and not the gender marker...since in some way it also feels like denying the past (which I wouldn't want to).

So you're not alone in this and it definitely doesn't make you "less transgender".

[BeerBurpGirl]

Update: So I just went to the grocery store and before I went in I noted how horrible I did on covering up my mustache today, but went inside anyways since I was on my lunch break and just wanted to get my stuff and get back to work. When I was about the check out the cashier called me to his line when I walked by and I was Sir'd (Ok, I'm used to this I think to myself, just smile and checkout). I then get to thinking how it did annoy me and it felt like he used the wrong pro-noun. I then get to thinking that if I feel that way what does that say about my gender marker woes that I've just posted about. Realizing at that point that I more or less tolerate my facial hair now and almost even manage convince myself it doesn't bother me when in reality it does. It's a little trick I think I've learned in order to survive. So the whole thing is noted and I move on to pickup my Chinese food. The staff is very nice and when I leave and walk outside I almost bump into a couple of teens walking down the sidewalk. I can hear them snicker about me. So I give them a big smile and the sexy eyes look (which I've found is lot's fun to do with the uncomfortable folks). In the end I get in my car and think about how much contrast I've just experienced compared to what I just posted here only moments ago. It also goes to show that even in very accepting cities there are plenty still that will be uncomfortable for whatever reason and let you know. Now this just has me off today and longing for some sort of external validation to compensate. I know, I know acceptance and beauty comes from within, but isn't there something to be said for external acceptance? I mean it's pretty normal for me to feel this way right now. If I was born a woman I certainly would be feeling down right now if I was just gendered wrong and had teens snickering at my looks. Anyways in a way I feel like this outing clarified a few things for me long term, but I still have to figure out what to do about my gender marker in the mean time.

[KathyLauren]

I am in a situation where my birth certificate is going to be very difficult to change.  So I may have no say in the matter.  I am going to try to get them to change my gender on my driver's license without doing the birth certificate. 

I don't see why you can't have any gender you want on your birth certificate.  Some jurisdictions now allow an X for non-binary folks. 

[AnonyMs]

If you don't really care which on it is I'd look at the practical aspects of it. Most of the time you don't need to use your legal gender for anything and you don't need to tell anyone what it is. But what about when you do? Like if you ended up in hospital, arrested by the police, airports, etc. I think in many situations female might be safer.

[Rachel]

You should not worry about not being trans enough. You are who you are.

Gender marker is important in few instances. Social interactions is where the majority of people try to gender. If you are comfortable in your presentation and current gender marker then do as you want and do not worry about others. If in the future you want to change the gender marker you can do it later.

I was in Charlotte and Pinetree NC in March for Hair transplants. I wish I passed better, I would have felt better.