Hello to all. I'm Jan, 63, and just finally putting it all together. A late bloomer. I'm FTM.
All my life I've had more testosterone than was acceptable in a female. I started growing a mustache when I started growing breasts. I lost my place in the school chorus when my voice dropped from soprano to tenor. Talk about hairy arms and legs; well I didn't want to talk about them back then. I was embarrassed by my body because I was supposed to be a female. I was attracted to men so I was supposed to be a female. When a friend taught me bodybuilding, I bulked up fast. But that wasn't supposed to happen because I was female. Or was I? Back when I was growing up in the 60s, it was the "liberated generation" with "free love". Uh, free love between male and female couplings. It was also a time of extreme ->-bleeped-<- bashing. My older brother was a regular in the Saturday night ->-bleeped-<- bashing club.
My mother, in her religious zeal, instilled in me a great deal of guilt and shame. I spent many years trying to live up to her expectations. I have been baptized 5 times; 2 flavors of Baptist, 1 Mormon, 1 Worldwide Church of God, and 1 Seventh Day Adventist. Finally at the age of 43, I had had enough. When I finally decide on something, I can be rather quick about acting. So, zero to atheist in less than 6 months. That doesn't mean I'm a bad person. It just means I'm tired of trying to figure out the universe, but I still seem to spend my life for others; do no harm.
After two marriages and one child, at the age of 53, I decided that living alone was best. One thing led to another in this ten year journey of discovery. I'm still sexually attracted to men, but realized I was not proud of my "junk" and didn't want to be intimate with a man. There was also the movie, "Broke Back Mountain" and something in me shifted. I started watching more gay love stories and thought I'd like to be that man in the story. For several years I joked about being a gay man stuck in a woman's body.
But, when no one was looking, I did research on the computer and found out it's not a joke. I found out a long time ago that it's important to belong to community, I just didn't know what community. Now I do. I have made contact with a couple of local organizations and the first meeting with one in next week. I'm excited. And I'm happy.
I know there are going to be rough times. I have family that will never understand. I'm going to have to move slowly because of my job, but at least I can retire in a bit over a year. The most important people in my life know and are supportive. That's what matters. I still have a lot of decisions to make on how to go about the transition.
I'm Transgender! I'm FTM! I've got a new haircut! I've got a "boob-flattener"! I'm on my way "out"! I'm fabulously happy!!!
Jan
