Triggers - Aaaargh!

[aaajjj55]

For the sake of my family life, I've decided to live with my dysphoria and, for the most part, it is manageable - just nagging thoughts here and there.  In particular, I've come to the understanding that wishing that I was born a girl is not the same as wanting to spend the rest of my life as one and also, understanding that, deep down, I am who I am.  Overall, I guess that I've been able to draw a distinction between wishing that I could slip on a dress and a pair of heels, do my makeup, style my hair and step out into the world as a female and being able to envisage actually doing that in the future.

So I live my life in a sort of equilibrium.  And then along comes a trigger!

Yesterday, I was getting into my car when a woman arrived to visit my neighbour.  Nothing particularly special about her - long dyed blonde hair, not unattractive with plain makeup, a long grey cardigan, light blue denim jeans and light tan mid-heeled suede ankle boots.  Crucuially, she was very different to the woman I was trying to be when cross-dressing (dresses/skirts, heels etc.) but seeing her really knocked me for six and my dysphoria is now sky-high again.

I suppose that this boils down to achievability; yes, I'd love to be the woman in the dress and heels with immaculate makeup but, in truth, I'm never going to be 30 again and the effect of half a century of testosterone is an awful lot to undo.  Furthermore, if I'm honest, I'm not sure that I would feel emotionally comfortable attempting a transition into that sort of person.  However, in the neighbour's visitor, I saw something that was attainable - I could be similar to her and, emotionally, don't think that I would feel out of place in her lifestyle.

But then I come back to reality.  I do not wish to transition and will continue to live my life with the dysphoria (which, hopefully, will subside again in a day or two).  People have to live their lives with far worse conditions than a bit of (usually) low level gender dysphoria and while it's not easy, neither are the alternatives.

Thanks for listening and keep on inspiring me!

[VeronicaLynn]

Have you tested how far you can get away with? It's likely more feminine than you are currently presenting.

I say this because you might be surprised how much you can without anyone even saying anything. You could at the very least find some light blue jeans and suede ankle boots even in the men's department.

I have my own reasons for choosing to transition very slowly, and I got to say by doing this, most people don't notice. I just slowly push it further and further, rather than do some sort of abrupt change.

[aaajjj55]

Have you tested how far you can get away with? It's likely more feminine than you are currently presenting.

I say this because you might be surprised how much you can without anyone even saying anything. You could at the very least find some light blue jeans and suede ankle boots even in the men's department.

I have my own reasons for choosing to transition very slowly, and I got to say by doing this, most people don't notice. I just slowly push it further and further, rather than do some sort of abrupt change.

That's an interesting thought!  In fact I do possess a pair of light blue jeans and suede boots, albeit not very feminine in appearance!

However, what really struck me about the neighbour's visitor was that I could actually envisage myself being comfortable in her body.  I've done the crossdressing thing with heels and skirts but looking at women dressed this way on the street, deep down I've never really felt that I would feel truly at ease in that role on a permanent basis.

I'm just hoping the dysphoria blows over soon or things could get complicated!

[Denise]

You might find your Dysphoria coming back with vengeance.  I started HRT, two months in I stopped for the same reason as you, health of my family.  Three months I was out of control with anger.  I was angry with every little thing.  I almost lost my job, my family and my life (suicidal thoughts can change your mind really quick).

Now that you have given a little bit, even thinking about transitioning, gives your Dysphoria an opening to express itself.  Be careful.

I tell you this to be in the lookout for destructive thoughts, actions or plans.  Please make sure someone close to you is aware of your struggles.  Continued therapy might be a good idea.

- Denise

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Amanda,

I'm Jeanette and a life long crossdresser. For many many years I convinced myself that dressing was enough. Then I look back on all those years of dressing and purging, of joining the navy for the education but also to become a man like my dad, of my getting married and raising a family and untimely failing at both being a dad and a husband. And through it all I dressed. Why all these issues of trying and failure at being a man if I always returned to my dressing. I eventually came to the understanding that crossdressing was not enough. That I was lying to myself. That's when I started HRT to become the person I really want to be. No it isn't easy, but I'm working on it. I will lose some friends and some family over it I am sure. But what is my life worth if I cannot realize my one life long dream?
  At 64 and after 3 rounds with cancer I fear I may not have much time left to fulfill this dream but I am going to try.
Pretty and passing doesn't really have that much to do with it. I will likely never be either but I will be a woman and living as one eventually. My dream will come true if it kills me.

  I think you will eventually come to find this true for you. The earlier you get started the sooner you will be that woman you want to be. Don't do as I did and lie to yourself. If you find this true for you accept it and get started.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[Daniellekai]

I tried for a while to be a more stylish man, did the equivalent activities to female shopping, just stuck to the men's department. It helped well enough, bought some nice shoes, button down shirts, pants that aren't blue jeans, I really wanted a hat that wasn't a ball cap for a long time, but couldn't find a style that suited me. Your choice of stores for this is very limited though, most places have a tiny corner of a men's department and the rest of the store is women's, so just going to the wrong store would trigger me sometimes, like finding something would be easier if I had all those choices...
So that technique turned out to be a double edged sword. I'm "lucky" enough that I don't really have a family life to worry about, everything else is just getting over my fear of changing the way people see me.

[aaajjj55]

Daniellekai, JeanetteLW & Denise - thanks for your insights.  Since joining this community, I've learned 2 things - firstly that I'm most definitely not alone & many others have similar, if not identical, thoughts/urges/feelings to me and, secondly, it's not easy being transgender.  I've also come to realise that all of those little signs over the years were connected - wanting to play with the girls at school, frequently being a girl in my night-time dreams, fascination with gender transition, crossdressing etc. etc.

For me, I'm not (and never have been) at the transition at any cost point.  I'm not a woman trapped in a man's body and I can function adequately in a male role for the vast majority of the time.  Importantly, the dysphoria is just a minor annoyance for most of the time - from time to time, though, it does boil over as happened with the incident I related at the top of this thread.

As I write this, I still want to be that woman I saw two days ago or, to be more exact, to experience being that woman.  However, I know that those feelings will almost certainly subside (they always do) and then I'll be able to go on living my life in some form of equilibrium - until I encounter the next trigger and the whole cycle starts all over again!

I wish you all well in your journeys and thank you again.

[vicki_sixx]

OP, what you describe is what we all go through. I have had it on my mind 24/7 ( I kid you not) for the past 12 months - everytime I look at a woman it's with jealousy, analysis, appreciation and frustration first and sexual interest second. For the longest time it was always with a sexual eye yet when I let Vicki out of the closet in a meaningful way, this switch happened to where she became ever-present. I am still going through it now as I contemplate transition. I am exceptionally proud of the photos I post but am still riddled with fear and doubt that I'll just be a man in a wig. This has been fuelled by my lack of fooling people into thinking I am a girl at first sight. To my knowledge only one man believed I was female - then I started to speak and his eyes bugged out and his lower jaw flapped open. In other words, worry not.

However, I believe you have got it wrong. It's not that your dysphoria subsides but that you repress it. We all go through it. It hits you in waves, you give in to it for a bit, then you usually end up getting rid of all your girly stuff out of shame/fear/a belief that the feeling's gone. Over here we have a word for it: purging. I have lost track of the number of times I believed the urge had gone for good (and I was happy to be a ->-bleeped-<- so I wasn't consciously repressing the desires) yet it came back. It always came back. And as you get older, it comes back harder and stronger. You will find this, too.

Thing is, it's not a fetish, it's not like ordering food ('I've not had Italian for a while, I think I'll have an Italian'') and it's not a whim. It's you. Whatever way your psyche and subconscious deals with it, it is you. You are transgender and you are dysphoric. Thus you will get this part of you coming to the fore. Chances are insanely high that this is the 'real you' because what comes from deep within is usually the real you. The real you is often suppressed though fear, society, family, religion but it comes to the fore every now and then before you push it back down and carry on with your life. It's up to you whether you let the real you breathe or keep it hidden save for the occasional coming up for air but as I say to everyone: you only get one life and this is the real you trying to escape its prison. This is the real you trying to be heard, trying to speak, trying to catch your attention, trying to breathe. Not waving but drowning. Even if transition isn't for you - you really ought to give this inner you full room to manoeuvre and play. it is the only healthy thing to do. Repressing it, doing what society and heartland America expects, is unhealthy.

Whether you come to be at peace with this inner you is your choice but I guarantee you two things:
1) it will never go away, never dissipate, never end.
2) if you indulge this inner you - indulge properly such as meeting others, nights out, daytime ventures - y'know, real world stuff - and not just sneakily dressing whilst the wife is out - then you will amaze yourself at just how potent this inner person is and you may well come to understand that this is the real you (a part of you that is just as valid as any other) and that to deny them is to deny who you are.

Curiously, my only triggers are the overly-sensitive types (of which there has been an explosion of in the past decade) who talk about triggers lol. The most head-shakingly depressing being someone triggered by applause and so campaigned to have it banned on campus and replaced with, I'm not joking, jazz hands. I despair for the world.

[Kylo]

If you are going to choose not to free your body then by all means try to free your mind and be comfortable allowing it to envisage things you like.

[aaajjj55]

Kylo - thanks very much for your simple but thought provoking sentiment.

Vicki.  As always you are wonderfully insightful:

OP, what you describe is what we all go through. I have had it on my mind 24/7 ( I kid you not) for the past 12 months - everytime I look at a woman it's with jealousy, analysis, appreciation and frustration first and sexual interest second. For the longest time it was always with a sexual eye yet when I let Vicki out of the closet in a meaningful way, thi switch happened.

I know exactly what you mean by this and have very similar feelings myself - the 24/7 thoughts and the sexual interest in women becoming secondary both resonate with me.  In fact I do wonder whether what I felt to be sexual interest when I was younger was in fact a desire to be able to live my feminine desires through a partner (i.e. seeking someone who dressed as I wished I could). 

I am exceptionally proud of the photos I post but am still riddled with fear and doubt that I'll just be a man in a wig. This has been fuelled by my lack of fooling people into thinking I am a girl at first sight. To my knowledge only one man believed I was female - then I started to speak and his eyes bugged out and his lower jaw flapped open. In other words, worry not.

This came as a real surprise to me as you always seem to have it all together.  I've seen your photos on another thread and you look fantastic.  HRT would, I am sure, quickly erase any vestiges of maleness in you and,if you choose to go down the transition route, it will undoubtedly be spectacularly successful.

However, I believe you have got it wrong. It's not that your dysphoria subsides but that you repress it. We all go through it. It hits you in waves, you give in to it for a bit, then you usually end up getting rid of all your girly stuff out of shame/fear/a belief that the feeling's gone. Over here we have a word for it: purging. I have lost track of the number of times I believed the urge had gone for good (and I was happy to be a ->-bleeped-<- so I wasn't consciously repressing the desires) yet it came back. It always came back. And as you get older, it comes back arder and stronger. You will find this, too.

Guilty as charged on all counts!  I've been through quite a few purging cycles which are always punctuated by the euphoria of being free of the T-shackles and then, a day or two later, a feeling of abject loss.  Whilst I think you are right about repression, some days the dysphoria is easier to repress than others.

Thing is, it's not a fetish, it's not like ordering food ('I've not had Italian for a while, I think I'll have an Italian'') and it's not a whim. It's you. Whatever way your psyche and subconscious deals with it, it is you. You are transgender and you are dysphoric. Thus you will get this part of you coming to the fore. Chances are insanely high that this is the 'real you' because what comes from deep within is usually the real you. The real you is often suppressed though fear, society, family, religion but it comes to the fore ever now an then before you push it back down and carry on with your life. It's up to you whether you let the real you breathe or keep it hidden save for the occasional coming up for air but as I say to everyone: you only get one life and this is the real you trying to escape its prison. This is the real you trying to be heard, trying to speak, trying to make themselves heard, tryng to catch your attention, trying to breathe. Not waving but drowning. Even if transition isn't for you - you really ought to give this inner you full room to manoeuvre and play. it is the only healthy thing to do. Repressing it, doing what society and heartland America expects is unhealthy.

Again, you are absolutely right. I do feel that, in the UK, we have a more liberal and accepting approach to TG issues than in other parts of the world but, sadly, the tolerance frequently ends at the front door.  It's therefore easier to repress and drown as a result than to live truthfully.

Whether you come to be at peace with this inner you is your choice but I guarantee you two things:
1) it will never go away, never dissipate, never end.
2) if you indulge this inner you - indulge properly such as meeting others, night out, daytime ventures and not just sneakily dressing whilst the wife is out - then you will amaze yourself at just how potent this inner person is and you may well come to understand for yourself that this is the real you (a part of you just as valid as any other) and that to deny them is to deny who you are.

Agreed.  I confessed my crossdressing to my wife a few years ago and one of the things I said to her was that I'd love to go out as a female.  However, things didn't go well following the confession (in particular, her realisation that I'd kept it from her for so long) and, to cut a long story short, I agreed to conform to her view of the husband she'd married.  Am I happy?  Not really, but this is the choice that I made and which I now struggle to a greater or lesser degree to manage.  It would be great for this whole business to have a fairytale ending but the reality for most of us is that being transgender is a millstone round our necks and we have to compromise in the best way we can.

Curiously, my only triggers are the overly-sensitive types (of which there has been an explosion of in the past decade) who talk about triggers lol. The most head-shakingly depressing being someone triggered by applause and so campaigned to have it banned on campus and replaced with, I'm not joking, jazz hands. I despair for the world.

What about people who are triggered by jazz hands (LOL)?


Thank you again for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts.  I hope I don't come across as too negative as the reality is that, for the most part, my dysphoria isn't debilitating and is something I can live with.

[vicki_sixx]

Vicki.  As always you are wonderfully insightful:

Thank you. I am just glad you found my comments helpful.

I know exactly what you mean by this and have very similar feelings myself - the 24/7 thoughts and the sexual interest in women becoming secondary both resonate with me.  In fact I do wonder whether what I felt to be sexual interest when I was younger was in fact a desire to be able to live my feminine desires through a partner (i.e. seeking someone who dressed as I wished I could). 

I've recently come to a similar conclusion re: sexual interest. I would always gaze adoringly at women, analysing their curves, heels, features etc. I'd be entranced for ages. Many an album cover would intoxicate me and I assumed back then it was just sexual appreciation but now I've begun to realise it wasn't just that. My friends never stared as long or as lovingly as I did. I always knew there was some other reason why I was so bewitched but I could never put my finger on it but I now honestly believe I was recognising not only sexual interest but also what I wanted to be. Now it makes sense analysing the album cover of the woman in the mini-dress and heels sat on the floor leaning against the wall, intricately studying her and noting the tip of her little finger slipped between her red, luscious lips; the dress strap that slipped off her delicate shoulder; the contours of her breasts; her long silky smooth legs etc.

With regards to your former point, that is the real you pushing harder and harder to come out a time goes on. If you were under water having to hold your breath, the longer you were down there and running out of air the more desperate you'd get and the more you'd thrash about, trying to make it to the surface.

I've seen your photos on another thread and you look fantastic. 

Thank you.

Again, you are absolutely right. I do feel that, in the UK, we have a more liberal and accepting approach to TG issues than in other parts of the world but, sadly, the tolerance frequently ends at the front door.  It's therefore easier to repress and drown as a result than to live truthfully.

The tolerance factor is never as bad as we think it will be. I'm not saying you won't get a few s->-bleeped-<-s or comments but by and large: people respect your choice, people are too polite, people are fascinated by us (and we're so rare that they've probably never seen another before). So yeah, you may get some cocky lads having fun at your expense but the same can happen if you wear 'dad' jeans, wear a 70s prog rock t-shirt, trip over a raised pavement, get splashed by a car driving through a puddle.

As for easier to repress: not as life goes on. That's why most trans come out in their late 40/50s. They can't live the lie anymore, they realise (consciously or subconsciously) that time is running out and that they, like anyone, deserve to be happy. Many realise they can't look their kids in the eye and tell them 'you can be who they want to be', 'ignore bullies', 'stick and stones', 'be true to yourself' etc. And the ones that keep it repressed? they're the sad old birds who brave a night out (in drag or en femme) and go all misty-eyed and melancholic, saying things like 'if only I had my time again'. And perversely, some make it out, dressing appropriately as a mid-50 woman, and eyeing the younger girls with jealousy because all their life they wanted to be pretty and in skimpy outfits like them but now they're too old.

Just remember this: the biggest two regrets of the dying (as recorded by nurses) is: 'I wish I'd been true to myself' and 'I wish I'd allow myself to be happy'.

Agreed.  I confessed my cross-dressing to my wife a few years ago and one of the things I said to her was that I'd love to go out as a female.  However, things didn't go well following the confession (in particular, her realisation that I'd kept it from her for so long) and, to cut a long story short, I agreed to conform to her view of the husband she'd married.  Am I happy?  Not really, but this is the choice that I made and which I now struggle to a greater or lesser degree to manage.  It would be great for this whole business to have a fairytale ending but the reality for most of us is that being transgender is a millstone round our necks and we have to compromise in the best way we can.

But consider this truth: you are not the man she thought she married. You will never be a 'real man' in her eyes ever again. Even loving partner who accept their trans-partners never see them as 'real men' ever again. It's not their fault and they're not being bigoted. It's just the way it is. All around the world we mock and tease men via comments that strip their masculinity, eg:  'sissy', 'big girl's blouse' and calling them female names.

So she will have lost respect for you. You cannot rewind time. Pandora's Box is open and just because he refuses to look at it doesn't mean the lid has stayed shut. Bear this in mind next time you think it's all water under the bridge. That is good because it means your trans is never truly off the table and can be brought up by you whenever you want. It also means you're kidding yourself if you think things are 'as they were' and you're both happy and that means for both your sakes it's best to address it and allow each other to be content, even if that means starting new lives separately.

Yes you have made your choice and if you stick with it you will only get wore You may always be able to manage it but you will always be unhappy. You will be condemning your true self to imprisonment. Without light. Without warmth. Without any chance of getting out. In many people, that unhappiness leads to depression and even suicide. In others it lead to the aforementioned separation and desperate (but extremely happy) attempts to make up for lost time as the women they truly are. And for others, they appear fine on the outside yet their dying moments will be filled with regret that they wasted their one and only life.

I am not advocating you split up but the truth is just because you have made a choice doesn't mean you have to stick by it. If your daughter was crying on the phone that she doesn't love or want to marry her fiancé after all but feels obliged to anyway, you'll be urging her to cancel, to live her life and to not give a damn about the feelings and opinions of the would-be wedding guests. And if you'd do that then why would you ignore your own advice?

If you have kids then becoming a woman and separating does not mean you will love them any less and does not mean you will not be there for them. Similarly, it doesn't mean you stop caring for the woman you've raised them with. As there is no other lover involved most relationships stay amicable. And better yet, a number of marriages survive - maybe not sexually but when you've dropped kids and are middle-aged that's not usually on the agenda anyway lol. But the years of love and history, as well as financial comfort, means many stay together.

But even if going trans means losing your wife, your home and 24/7 access to your kids, so be it. I know it's hard to contemplate now but I bet you also found it hard to contemplate splitting up with a girl in high school, I bet it seemed like the end of the world when you went your separate ways, but you got over it all the same. Remember: the night is always darkest just before dawn and what seems like the death of your world is actually the birth of a new one.

You have made your choice but only an idiot (no offence, just talking generally) would believe they have to stick to that choice. Only an idiot would deny their true self out of fear or for keeping someone else happy (even though their happiness is an illusion - sticking their head in the sand to avoid the truth they know is real) and only an absolute, bona fide idiot would not at the very least indulge, explore and accept their true self - even if that means doing it without your wife's knowledge. I'm not talking about cheating on her - just some 'you' time that she doesn't need to know about (especially if she will react badly). Don't for one minute think she tells you everything lol.

You say you can live with your dysphoria - cool - but let me as you: why should you? I can live without drinking tea ever again but I love it so why should I? Why should you live with a degree of unhappiness? A degree so strong as to make you tell your wife, join a site like this, and engage in a vicious cycle of buying and purging? If you had a similar yearning for water would you ignore it or would you drink water?

When you give in to your trans fully, as I did, and go out in the big, wide world - getting in the car and driving to the trans-friendly bars, ordering drinks, dancing with friends, getting hit on etc - then you realise that life up until that point was 2-D and not 3-D and so why would you choose to live in 2D? I comment on this in my video interview which you may find useful:
<Link Removed>


You only have one life. When it's gone, it's gone.
Nothing is more expensive that regret.
Every once in a while say 'WTF!'. 'WTF' gives you freedom. Freedom brings you opportunity. Opportunity makes your future'.


Moderator Edit:

[vicki_sixx]

Let me just say, I am a crossdresser, I am proud to be a crossdresser. I started HRT and then I came off it. I wrote an article standing up to certain members of the community deriding cross dressers and I posted my video in which I make it clear there is no inherent value to being further up the trans spectrum (the spectrum as I see it) and yet despite all this, some think I am looking down on cross dressers. To clarify, my scale is a measurement of wanting to be a woman - therefore cross dressers who are happy being men and non-binaries will never be at the top and nor would they want to be.

[SailorMars1994]

Sounds like you are going to live in a prison. Are you sure your family wont accept you as you are or even live in a non-binary state?

Hugs-Ashley

[Charlie Nicki]

You know I saw myself agreeing with some parts of your statement @aaajjj55 , especially when you said some days it's easier to "ignore" the dysphoria. But I've come to realize that it only comes back with a vengeance...This is the second time that I try therapy in the last 3 years and I can honestly say that the dysphoria will only get worse if you don't do something about it. As one of my teachers used to say "el eterno retorno de lo reprimido", "the eternal return of what is repressed".

[CarlyMcx]

Being over 50 is no reason to give up transitioning.  I started hormones at 53, and within months, I had the body of a teenage girl -- size 11, and sometimes size 9.  Admittedly even before transitioning I subjected myself to a pretty rigorous diet and exercise routine in order to keep my body in shape to fit all the cute clothes, but the transformation has still been miraculous.

My face is pretty much what you see in the profile pic, but that photo is entirely without makeup, no wigs, hairpieces, extensions, falls or help.

I am currently plotting and planning for FFS.  I figure for the price of a used sports car, I can get enough work done to make me look pretty passable.

Bear in mind with me the dysphoria was not only strong, it was crippling.  Because I was in denial it manifested as panic attacks, in the form of chest pains and irregular heartbeats.  And they got so bad that in the last months before I started transition, I was almost housebound.  So I had really run out of alternatives.

If you are looking for something short of transitioning, consider this:  I crossdressed for a year before I started hormones, but I mostly stealthed it.  I wore women's skinny jeans, womens flat shoes, and usually a men's T shirt or sweatshirt on top, but I had a few women's T shirts that looked androgynous.  I carried a Coach man bag.  I went all over town like that and no one ever said anything.  It is totally a non issue.  If you want to wear skinny jeans, don't even bother with the men's store.  Just get some women's jeans and wear them.  No one will notice.

[aaajjj55]

Vicki - thank you again for your advice.  I am touched that you have invested so much time and energy into guiding me and, in my heart, I know that everything you say is spot on.  I loved your point about the album covers - my favourite cover was 'For Your Pleasure' by Roxy Music as it had Amanda Lear looking absolutely gorgeous and that was in the days before FFS!  The seeds were well and truly sown at that stage - was it really possible for a guy to become a girl and look that good?  You also highlighted the Pandora's Box issue and I know that any belief on my part that, by ceasing and desiting, I have wound the clock back to the time before my fateful confession is completely delusional.  Finally, thank you for providing the short-lived link to your interview.  I had already seen it on YouTube but will listen again when time and privacy permits.

Ashley - first of all, thank you for sharing your before and afters with us on another thread, you look amazing.  I know what you mean about the prison but I am certain that my wife wouldn't accept any change and, to be honest, I very much live in a binary world so, for me, it's all or nothing.

Charlie Nicki - absolutely true and I'm finding this out the hard way too.

CarlyMcx - you are a great advert for mature transition!  As I said to Ashley, it's really an all or nothing thing for me - I did once venture out wearing panties and tights under my jeans and it felt good (well, to be honest, it felt fantastic!) but I know that, over a longer term, this would soon become unfulfilling.


I did have the opportunity to wear lingerie for a short time yesterday but, to be honest, found it unfulfilling - none of the 'this feels right' feelings I used to experience when crossdressing a few years ago and I took them off after a few minutes.  At this stage, it would be very easy to think that I'm barking up the wrong tree but the dysphoria is still there, as strong as ever and I still madly envious of my neighbour's visitor which started this thread off.

Would love to ramble on but time for work.  Thank you all for your advice and insight.

[vicki_sixx]

You're welcome aaajjj55, i'm just glad that it didn't bore you to death LOL.

With regarding to you not getting the sensation that it feels right to dress, do not beat yourself up - not only do you have a lot of stress and guilt on your mind ( leading to denial)  but you may simply find that you are evolving. As you said, you are jealous of your neighbour in her everyday clothes. It could simply be the case that, as with me, as with most of us, you no longer get a thrill out of wearing lingerie. You have probably simply just moved to the next level.  I used to get the most wonderful sensation when wearing tights, it was heavenly, but my body has become used to it and it is longer sensual and  amazing as it used to be. Similarly, I used to only want to wear evening dresses but then I too wanted to do the every day look and do the normal things that girls take for granted.

Thanks for your kind words about my video 🙂