Running On Empty!

[jessicariddhi]

Hi everyone, I have a question for you all; have you ever felt empty or a void that couldn't be filled by anything or anyone before transitioning? Was it part of dysphoria? Did it go away after transitioning?

I ask because my entire life I felt empty, lonely, like half of me was missing and no matter what I did I couldn't feel whole. With time ticking away it has gotten worse and I want to know if that's because of dysphoria. Thank you.

[ImSomething]

I don't know if transitioning solves it because I haven't actually transitioned yet, but I know the feeling you're describing. I usually blamed it on my depression but I'm not sure what is to blame for it anymore. It could have just as easily been caused by dysphoria and I just didn't realize until recently that I had dysphoria.

[Charlie Nicki]

Yeah I get what you're saying. I haven't transitioned either but my entire life I've felt boredom, apathy and some sort of regret for a lot of things...even feeling like I hate I was ever born. I tend to think it has a lot to do with my dysphoria, it's just that it's so repressed that I can't bring myself to link both situations.

[Raell]

I only found out I'm nonbinary and partially transmale in 2013, but when I did, I began researching to catch up on gender issues and reading transgender autobiographies.
I was surprised that most-if not all- talked about an emptiness and incredible loneliness that nothing seemed to fill. even when they were married, had children, and a job they loved.

That was my case, and even though I'm currently unmarried and nontransitioning, acknowledging my male side and allowing him to be himself without suppression, as well as taking a local Thai herb, derris scandens, which relieves both dysphoria and dyslexia symptoms, has given me relief from depression/loneliness. But when I go several days without taking the herb, I can feel some of the sadness and sense of feeling lost coming back.

But perhaps those who transition and take hormones get complete relief.

[jessicariddhi]

Thank you all for answering me. It seems that I'm not alone in this. For a long while I had a suspicion that my depression and extremely loneliness was caused by dysphoria because my life has not been bad at all. I had my ups and downs but still had family that loved me no matter what, my school experience was ok, but never trully felt complete. At first I blamed it on being 'gay' but even when I came out as such it didn't feel right and like an outcast. Now, my loneliness has increased to dangerous level and that voice in my head tells me it's because of being transgender and not transitioning.

[Charlie Nicki]

Thank you all for answering me. It seems that I'm not alone in this. For a long while I had a suspicion that my depression and extremely loneliness was caused by dysphoria because my life has not been bad at all. I had my ups and downs but still had family that loved me no matter what, my school experience was ok, but never trully felt complete. At first I blamed it on being 'gay' but even when I came out as such it didn't feel right and like an outcast. Now, my loneliness has increased to dangerous level and that voice in my head tells me it's because of being transgender and not transitioning.

I added you to my buddy list and feel free to PM me if you want to talk! Seems like we're in similar situations, I also identified as a gay man (I officially still do).

[Kylo]

Some of it in my case, yes, was down to not being able to have the same experiences as cis people in the same way. I was wondering what the fuss was about some things "normal" people aspire to and why I felt like something was holding me back from them.

But I also think loneliness in itself is part of the human condition and I'm not sure that can be fixed permanently with anything. I can be in a room full of people I know well and feel isolated from all of them. I can count the number of people on one hand in life who have ever made that feeling go away for a short time. It always returns. I don't think it has anything to do with transition or dysphoria or gender for me and everything to do with the fact human beings don't actually communicate well (or even want to, most of the time).

Maybe your feeling is down to needing to transition but maybe it isn't. You'll have to find out. But gender dysphoria and its issues is a big contributor to feeling outcast and a "misfit" in life, imo.

[findingreason]

I think what you're experiencing is very common among us. It's hard to not feel empty when you are not living as who you are in your heart. I know I felt empty for years. That's part of why my username is findingreason---I've been soul searching for something to fill an empty void inside me. Transition helped me, yes. I live with issues these days feeling empty, but that could very well be situational and depression speaking, rather than dysphoria.

But I think it's important that while we transition, we don't get so occupied that that is the only thing in life. There are multiple pieces that make up the whole of who we are, and gender is only one part of the mosaic. Sometimes those pieces are found in different places and times in life, and we find ourselves missing them without knowing what they are, because we have not found them yet. But surely, at some point or another, I believe we come across them and the picture gradually becomes more clear as the mosaic is put together.

[The Flying Lemur]

I'm pre-surgery and pre-HRT, so it's hard to say how the medical aspects of transitioning will affect me.  That said, in my case a newly-developed antidepressant took care of about 80% of my lonely, empty feelings.  I still have some of course, because a certain amount of loneliness is just a part of life.  I no longer feel continually overwhelmed by those emotions, though.  Just from your post I can't tell whether your feelings of emptiness are "human condition" ones or a sign of depression.  If you feel like these emotions have been significantly impacting your life for some time, there's no harm in looking at a depression screening tool.  It won't give you a diagnosis, but it might give you an idea of whether you want to talk to a professional about the problem. 

http://healingheartscc.com/docs/first_steps/FS_DepressionQuiz.pdf

[Brooke]

I can't say transitioning has completely alleviated that feel, but it certainly did help. The big things that I noticed after transitioning was how much less mental and emotional work it took to get through the day. I also noticed how much more connected to myself and others I felt. I think the best comparison is when you're trying to get through the day sleep deprived everything is hard, whereas when you're at the top of your game had A great night sleep and are full of energy feels like anything is possible. The feelings of running into you didn't go away immediately but all of a sudden I have the energy and motivation to connect to the world in ways that I couldn't before.


~Brooke~

[jessicariddhi]

Thank you all once again for replying to my post. Kylo, I have considered what you wrote many times in my life but Findingreason and Brooke touches a point that correlates to your opinion. I have, indeed, isolated myself most of the time because I tried hiding who I am - out of shame, guilt and fear - that makes it hard to connect even when I wanted to do so very badly. The world tend to see us different and common ground is hard to find when other people's perspective is distorted. Many think I'm one way or suppose to be what the media dictates. Maybe all my hiding these years has made me inept to connect. Someone also pointed out that people don't want to really communicate and that's also true. Right now I've made a decision (probably the smartest one I've made in a long time) to connect with myself completely - really commit myself to do so. But one thing I know is that my underlying issue is not one I am suffering alone and that not being able to be your true self could be the culprit or at least the accomplice for my emptiness and depression.

[Charlie Nicki]

Some of it in my case, yes, was down to not being able to have the same experiences as cis people in the same way. I was wondering what the fuss was about some things "normal" people aspire to and why I felt like something was holding me back from them.

I can totally relate to this. I still crave a "normal" cis heteronormative life sometimes...For example when I'm at a family event and I see my straight cousins with their significant others just having fun while I feel like a weirdo and an outcast. And of course I never imagine myself being a straight man with a girlfriend, always think it would be great if I was a straight girl with a man.

[Raell]

The trouble with antidepressants is that they are are toxic and have side effects http://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/what_are_the_real_risks_of_antidepressants.

Best to take the most natural paths possible...morning walks, outdoor exercise, sunlight, fresh organic food, watching hilarious Netflix shows, reading great books, playing a musical instrument, doing art, getting together with friends and having fun, taking B complex vitamins
and of course transitioning, or least acknowledging your opposite gender side.

[Sno]

Hi everyone, I have a question for you all; have you ever felt empty or a void that couldn't be filled by anything or anyone before transitioning? Was it part of dysphoria? Did it go away after transitioning?

I ask because my entire life I felt empty, lonely, like half of me was missing and no matter what I did I couldn't feel whole. With time ticking away it has gotten worse and I want to know if that's because of dysphoria. Thank you.

Hi Jessica,

dysphoria is a funny beast, especially social dysphoria. It can be socially expected roles, but it can also be social interactions too.
This can be from your side (not knowing), or from the other folks side, where they are expecting you to behave in a specific social role, and you are not.
That can lead to a perception of unreliability, and 'unease', and lead to social exclusion rather than inclusion, and loneliness ensues.
That loneliness may lead to depression, if you are an extrovert or relief if you're an introvert, as the separation and bridging between expectation and your personality is emotional work, and hard work it is too.

Personally I describe it as 'the void' as it feels so isolating and claustrophobic - nothing seems to burst the bubble, especially when I feel I need human connection. Susan's has helped enormously with that, for me.

Many have said that this improves with transitioning, but I have no experience of that...

Rowan

[jessicariddhi]

Charlie Nicki, I know how you feel. I felt that one ever since I could remember. Oh the jealousy at those gatherings. I wanted to be there feeling normal with my own male partner but because I knew I couldn't those family events which were suppose to be fun were very depressing, leaving with a void inside my soul. They still do.

Raell, I agree with you. I was on them for a while during my early to mid twenties. They help a bit but they are very toxic and have side effects. My doctor was going to prescribe me some the other day and I told him no although I felt crappy. It [the antidepressant] would only mask the issue. I need to go at the root of this seemingly suffering situation and pull it out completely.

Sno, you've left me speechless as this is exactly how I felt and still feeling. A void. unfortunately for me, I am balanced [extrovert and introvert but leaning more to the latter]. But I do wish I had close friends and relationship but like you said: they seem unreliable and not genuine. This just makes me back away early before I could get hurt.

[Sno]

Sweetie, you're welcome, and you're not alone.


Rowan